Scum skim off the riches

THE Pikey Scum manager scooped the Kenna champions prize pot and his fourth manager of the month award winning the season on the weekend.

Walthamstow Reds took the Krakow Cup winnings due to two factors, his manager of the month performance in April and a dodgy decision by an independent inquiry panel.

Having won the Kenna twice before, the Sporting Lesbian manager could not rally his side sufficiently to win again but did take runner up spot and three manager of the month awards.

Two Goals One Cup, Lokomotiv Leeds and Piss Poor complete the cash prize winners.

“At this time of year it’s customary to remind those with new-found wealth the Kenna Foundation relies on donations to support managers with their substance misuse,” said the Kenna chairman over a tube of polystyrene cement.

The domestic season over, all eyes now turn to the Dmitri Kharine World Cup auction scheduled to take place on Tuesday 12 June.

For the first time the vice chairman is taking the reins of the auction, and gossip is rife about his plans for the event.

One rumour maintains he plans to ‘poison’ managers with spiked drinks in reference to the recent attack on a former Russian national in Salisbury.

Although should it come to pass, one suspects the vice chairman would make would be less KGB and more Bill Cosby.

Prize money

Pikey Scum – £190 (Champions: £150, MOTM x4: £10 x4)

Walthamstow Reds – £85 (Cup winner: £75, MOTM: £10)

Sporting Lesbian – £80 (Runner up: £50, MOTM x3: £10 x3)

Two Goals One Cup – £35 (Third place: £25, MOTM: £10)

Lokomotiv Leeds – £10 (Wenger Trophy: £10)

Piss Poor – £10 (MOTM)

Kenna League – week 37 – final standings

Kenna League - 22 May 2018 - Final standings and MOTM
Kenna League – 22 May 2018 – Final standings and MOTM
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Reds manager wins first trophy in 13 years

WALTHAMSTOW Reds beat Wandsworth Network Solutions by nine points in one of the poorest-quality cup finals in living memory.

A goal from Wilfred Zaha and unremarkable appearances from Butland, Ake, Pogba, Redmond, Carroll and Mounie were enough for Reds to beat off a WNS side missing six players.

A promising Krakow Cup campaign ended with a whimper for the runners up. Aubameyang scored, but Pereyra (2), Sissoko (2), Depoitre (1) and Morgan (-2) left spectators wondering how the team got there in the first place.

An even dimmer view is being taken of the Reds manager’s road to the final, the outfit having lucked through a controversial independent panel review at the semi final stage.

The hashtag #HollowVictory was trending on Twitter for much of Sunday night and continued into Monday morning as the lucrative Far East market awoke to the news.

‘I don’t care how hollow this victory is…TROPHY,’ posted the Reds boss on the Kenna Whatsapp group earlier today after confirmation came through of his first piece of silverware since entering the Kenna League at its beginnings in 2005.

‘I’d like to thank the independent panel members for their wise decision.’

That sideshow over, all eyes now turn to this week’s top scorers and champions elect Pikey Scum who extended their lead at the top of the Kenna to 52 points thanks to a brace from Harry Kane (12) and all sorts of heroics from Andrew Robertson (15).

A maiden Kenna title for the Scum manager after 12 seasons of trying is expected to be ratified after the match at Wembley on Saturday.


Krakow Cup final – result

Walthamstow Reds 19 – 10 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna League – week 36

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 36 - 14 May 2018
Kenna League week 36 – 14 May 2018
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Scum try best to screw up maiden Kenna title

DOCTORS were conferring in hushed urgency over The Pikey Scum Title Hopes Life Support Machine on Monday as the club emerged from the weekend with their 40-point lead cut by eight points.

It had been another barren weekend for Scum with only Poacher Kane making an impact.

Scum rallied during the weeknight fixtures to increase their lead over Sporting Lesbian to 38 points.

Lesbian star man Mo Salah could produce fireworks on Sunday.

Even then it would still take considerable heroics from his teammates Antonio Valencia and N’Golo Kante seven days on at Wembley to win the Lesbian’s boss a record third Kenna title.

“I’m bricking it,” said the Scum boss, who’s seen the form of Andros Townsend, Marcus Rashford, Sofiane Boufal, Marc Albrighton and Jordan Ayew evaporate over the last few weeks.

Elsewhere, eyes turn to Sunday’s Krakow Cup final showdown between mid-table treadwaters Walthamstow Reds and Wandsworth Network Solutions.

WNS will be looking to goals from Aubameyang and Depoitre, having given up long ago looking for them from Wilfred Bony.

Paul Pogba, Wilfred Zaha and Son Heung-Min are the danger men for Reds, who used an administrative error and a lucky independent panel review to even find themselves in the final.

Kenna League – week 35 (Monday)

Kenna week 35 - 8 May 2018
Kenna week 35 – 8 May 2018

Kenna League – week 35 (Friday)

Kenna week 35b - 11 May 2018
Kenna week 35b – 11 May 2018
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Panel beaters

WALTHAMSTOW Reds survived an independent panel review to qualify for the Krakow Cup final, but winning the trophy will be a hollow victory.

The Reds manager’s best ever chance of silverware in 13 years was under threat after an appeal of scoring errors earlier in the tournament was lodged with Kenna HQ.

While the independent three-man panel found there had indeed been an inaccuracy, they voted two to one in favour of Reds against the chairman’s side Adam Johnson Fan Club.

Should the scoring have been accurately recorded, AJFC would have replaced Reds in the semi final against Pikey Scum.

“If the Reds manager goes on to win it’s never going to sit well with him, it’s never going to sit well with anyone really. He’s got there by bureaucracy rather than merit,” said most of the rest of the league.

“It’s a shame because he’s one of only three managers to enter every season of the Kenna but he’s the only one never to win anything.”

Reds comfortably beat Pikey Scum after the second leg of the Krakow Cup this weekend.

Scum were in the hunt for a double, but will now happily focus on the league where they look to defend a 40-point lead for the next three weeks to secure a debut title.

As for Reds, they go on to face Wandsworth Network Solutions in the final, another side never to have won a trophy.

“Everyone’s rooting for WNS,” said the rest of the league.

Krakow Cup – semi final second leg results

Walthamstow Reds 48 (83) – 26 (55) Pikey Scum
WNS 28 (60) – 13 (31) Don’t Know Yet

Krakow Cup final – 15 May
Walthamstow Reds v Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table – week 34

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 34 - 1 May 2018
Kenna week 34 – 1 May 2018
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