The end of an ignominious Korea

AS soon as liquid was sprayed in his face in departures he knew something was seriously wrong.

Eight months of freedom. Eight months since leaving his position as manager of Real Brexit, his last posting in the so-called ‘world’s greatest London pub-based fantasy football league’.

Now he was sinking to his knees, a wave of nausea sweeping over him.

Contemplating his untimely demise at gate two of Durham Tees Valley Airport.

And when he heard another passenger innocently enquire ‘was that Emanuel Pogatetz dressed like a lass?’ his worst fears were confirmed.

Only one organisation used former professional footballers as assassins: the Kenna League’s manager experiences department.

It could be waking up with the barrel of Michael Ballack’s Mauser thrust into your mouth or Clint Dempsey threatening to extract a tooth with a pair of pliers.

Cross the manager experiences department and the outcome was far from pretty.

It was no fluke they had chosen Pogatetz as the trigger man. While managing Still Don’t Know Yet in his first season he had signed the Austrian for £3.5m in the February transfer window.

The 14th-place finish was nothing to do with it though.

It was the beginning of that season, his first in the Kenna, where he had made an enemy for life.

He realised it now as the darkness intensified and a woman who smelled strongly of Superkings Menthol wheezed ‘you alright, pet?’

He had called the Kenna administration ‘out of touch blazers’.

An enemy for life.

An enemy for death.

From that moment his time was up.

You never really left the Kenna. You went through life thinking you’d left, as he’d done since the summer, but they always caught up with you.

And as his life ebbed away, his head resting on the flabby thighs of a morbidly-obese airport worker, he thought of the strapline on the Durham Tees Valley Airport website.

‘It’s a small world.’

Kenna table week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 - 14 February 2016
Kenna week 24 – 14 February 2016

Kenna table week 25

Kenna week 25 - 21 February 2017
Kenna week 25 – 21 February 2017
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Everyone wants to **** with the Jesus

GABRIEL Jesus will be top of many shopping lists ahead of the final Kenna League transfer window tonight.

The Brazilian striker has made a big impact following his move to England a few weeks ago.

Of the top four teams in the table, only Islington Sports Islam & Leisure can sign Jesus without triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

The managers of Thieving Magpies (Yaya Toure), FC Testiculadew (David Silva) and Sleptember XI (Raheem Sterling) would all have to release a high-value player as a wildcard tonight to bid for the Brazilian.

Peter Crouch and Jay Rodriguez are the other most notable strikers currently without a Kenna club.

League leader ‘Pies released Dimitri Payet ahead of the window, but there are slim pickings in midfield, where Victor Moses looks the most attractive available player.

With only one wildcard permitted, the ‘Pies manager is taking a long hard look at Pedro.

Another Chelsea player, Marcus Alonso, will captivate interest for managers after a defender. Chambers, Ward, Prodl and Rojo lead the ragtag alternatives.

At 20th in the table, the Piss Poor manager is yet to release Adam Johnson.

Fifteen-year-olds, dude.

The available player list and managers’ remaining budget are available from The Rub.

Clubs – players released – remaining budgets

Sleptember XI – none – 32.5

SGTNHT – Terry, Success – 31.5

Burqini – Bill Cosby, Perez – 29.5

Dynamo – Butland, Nolito – 27

Reds – Amat, Shaw, Khazri – 24.5

AJFC – Rodwell, Oscar – 22

ISIL – Iheanacho – 20.5

Leeds – Albrighton – 19

FCT – Boufal – 19

Sporting – no bonus – 17

Bala – Bravo, Ogbonna, Cazorla, Fer – 14

Magpies – Payet – 16

WNS – none – 13.5

JPF – Otamendi, Zouma, Studge, Rooney, Diouf – 11

Young Boys – Bolasie, Pereya, Defour, Diomande – 10

JPC – no bonus – 9.5

Panda – no bonus – 7

Piss – no bonus – 6.5

Scum – no bonus – 4.5

Cowley – no bonus – 4

2G1C – no bonus – 2.5

Monkeys – no bonus – 2

Cheerio – players who moved in January

Thieving Magpies

Payet to France

Young Boys

Patrick van Aanholt from Sunderland to Palace (not Bramble tied)

Dynamo Charlton

Snodgrass from Hull to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Two Goals One Cup

Ivanovic to Russia

Adam Johnson Fan Club

Oscar to China

Fonte from Southampton to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Piss Poor

Berahino from West Brom to Stoke (not Bramble tied)

Kenna table week 22

Narcozep Cup playoff results

Sleptember XI 9 – 19 Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party 19 – 14 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table week 22 - 31 January 2017
Kenna table week 22 – 31 January 2017

Kenna table week 23

Kenna table week 23 - 7 February 2017
Kenna table week 23 – 7 February 2017
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