Xhaka: the mean talk

GRANIT Xhaka has told police he was the victim of racial abuse just 24 hours before being brought in for questioning over allegations he himself racially abused a Heathrow Airport worker.

In the aftermath of his red card in Sunday’s match, the midfielder claims his Kenna League manager called him a ‘chocolate Swiss’.

Xhaka, an ethnic Kosovo-Albanian, says the emotional distress caused during the heated post-match exchange with the Adam Johnson Fan Club manager led him to call an airport worker a ‘f***ing white b****’ on Monday evening.

The AJFC manager fiercely denied the allegations of racism made to him during a press conference yesterday.

“What I was trying to tell Granit was if he’s always suspended through ill discipline he’s as much use to me as a chocolate Swiss Army knife,” said the manager.

“I’m not racist. I’m not a Nazi. Gold – that’s the standard I set at this club for diversity and inclusion.

“Granit’s flown off the handle before I’ve had a chance to finish the sentence. I’ve managed a lot of foreign players and they tend to do that, but if he thinks he can explain away the Heathrow incident using my post-match comments he’s cuckoo.

“There’s more holes in his argument than a lump of Alpine dairy product.

“He needs to watch it.”

Narcozep Cup – final group standings and playoff fixtures

Sleptember XI v Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party v Wandsworth Window Lickers

Narcozep Cup - 24 January 2017
Narcozep Cup – 24 January 2017

Kenna League table – week 21

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 21 - 24 January 2017
Kenna table week 21 – 24 January 2017


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English football under threat from ‘Yellow Peril’

The Kenna League has warned against football talent being drawn to Chinese wealth after the chairman bumped into a manager travelling to the Far East end of the Jubilee Line.

The encounter happened in the Friday morning rush hour when a furtive Lokomotiv Leeds manager was spotted by the chairman at Canary Wharf.

The Lokomotiv boss was forced to make a shifty admission he was ‘going all the way to Stratford’.

By lunchtime Kenna HQ had issued a explosive press release entitled ‘Lured to the Riches of The Orient’, and packed with provocative, xenophobic, racially-aggravated jingoism such as ‘The Yellow Terror’, ‘The legacy of Fu Manchu’ and ‘Brexit means Brexit’.

“The enormous wealth of China is leading to a ‘Sino-The Dotted Line Mentality’ and is the biggest challenge to London pub-based fantasy football since the 2006 smoking ban,” read the release, which claimed Kenna HQ is now on ‘Yellow Alert’.

Astronomical wages in the Chinese Super League has thrown preparations for the second Kenna transfer window next month into disarray

This weekend saw Islington Sports Islam & Leisure striker Diego Costa compound his manager’s problems by being unavailable for selection until interest from Asia is resolved.

The chairman’s own team, Adam Johnson Fan Club, has been left with a hole in midfield since Oscar moved to China in an audacious £60m deal.

It is widely believed this move has got the league apparatus in a particular paddy over the Lokomotiv manager’s oriental tube ride.

But Lokomotiv Leeds supporters have welcomed a move abroad for their manager, and questioned the Kenna’s description of him as ‘football talent’.

The editor of fan blog BellendRurdFurrever.com tweeted: “Lokomotiv Leeds? More like Special Leeds! 14th last season, 16th today. Couldn’t give a Peking duck where he goes #SackTheJew”.

Kenna League table week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 20 - 17 January 2017
Kenna table week 20 – 17 January 2017
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Kenna title race more exciting than hotel room

FOR the first time in history the Kenna League title race is more exciting than an American industrialist’s Moscow hotel room.

Thieving Magpies reestablished their position at the top of the table, cutting short the FC Testiculadew tenure of first place to just one week.

Many feared the FCT manager’s accession to the Kenna summit would mark the end of a competitive season but ‘Pies midfielders Pedro (15 points) and Yaya Toure (10) quickly struck back.

There was further league woe for Islington Sports Islam & Leisure, who dropped down to fourth place thanks to a surge from debutants Sleptember XI.

But the Pirates manager – a former cup winner – secured his place in the knockout phase of the Narcozep Cup.

A round of fixtures on the weekend guaranteed all the top half of the league progression, with the exception of Wandsworth Network Solutions and Burqini Pool Party.

WNS and ‘The Burqs’ will be duking it out in two weeks time to see who will avoid an unwanted playoff match to get out of group B.

Elsewhere those struggling in the league are also experiencing Narcozep squeaky bum time.

The Pikey Scum manager’s sphincter may be more resigned than others. Having completed all his cup games, he must rely on the side above him in group D losing by more than 20 points to the group leaders.

And in what situation could you imagine Young Boys being whipped by Two Goals One Cup in a haze of Narcozep?

Other than in an American industrialist’s Moscow hotel room?

Kenna League table – week 19

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 19 - 10 January 2017
Kenna table week 19 – 10 January 2017

Narcozep Cup – results and standings

Narcozep Cup results and standings - 10 January 2017
Narcozep Cup results and standings – 10 January 2017


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Tactical Brambler moves top

IT was only a matter of time before the Kenna’s own pussy-stroking villain went top of the league.

Having hovered around the top four for the first half of the season, FC Testiculadew saw Tom Heaton, Kyle Walker, Christian Fuchs, Alex Iwobi and Eden Hazard score in the teens in a bumper week over New Year and Zlatan rack up 25 points.

Known as the Tactical Brambler for his ruthless interpretation of league rules, the FCT manager was also in the winning tag team of the inaugural Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup.

“Pathetic earthlings!” Ming the Mercilessed the Tactical Brambler to journalists outside the club’s Death Star training facility.

“Hurling your fantasy football teams out into the void, without the slightest inkling of who or what is out here. If you had known anything about the true nature of the Kenna League, anything at all, you would’ve hidden from it in terror.”

But there was unwelcome turn of events for the FCT manager.

This evening Kenna HQ issued details of the Christmas Cup prize and confirmed only the weaker half of the winning tag team – in this case mid-table Walthamstow Reds – would gain free entry to next season’s Kenna League.

Reds face Christmas Cup tag team partner FCT in Narcozep Cup group A this weekend, which is now being touted as a grudge tie.

Ironically, the dip in form in the last month that saw Islington Sports Islam & Leisure fall from first to third place is the only Christmas catastrophe to which ISIL have not laid claim.

Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

1. (was 1) Testicureds 431 (FC Testiculadew 260 / Walthamstow Reds 171)

2. (was 4) Leeds Burqini 404 (Lokomotiv Leeds 172/ Burqini Pool Party 232)

3. (was 3) Lesbian Panda 403 (Sporting Lesbian 226 / Team Panda 177)

4. (was 2) So Good They Ate Pies Twice 373 (Thieving Magpies 215/ So Good They Named Him Twice 158)

5. (was 5) Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 367 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 230/ Adam Johnson Fan Club 137)

6. (was 6) Charlton Towers 357 (Sleptember XI 232/ Dynamo Charlton 125)

7. (was 10) The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 311 (Cowley Casuals 179/ Judean Peoples’ Front 132)

8. (was 9) Bala Monkeys 287 (Bala Rinas 146/ Northern Monkeys 141)

9. (was 11) Two Pegs One Hook 271 (ISIL 171/ Two Goals One Cup 100)

10. (was 7) Pikey Network Failure 181 (Pikey Scum 98 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 83)

11. (was 8) Just Piss Poor 178 (Piss Poor 111 / Just Put Carles 67)

Kenna table – week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 18 - 5 January 2016
Kenna table week 18 – 5 January 2016

Narcozep Cup fixtures


Walthamstow Reds



FC Testiculadew





Lokomotiv Leeds


Northern Monkeys



Sleptember XI


Wandsworth Network Solutions



Thieving Magpies


Team Panda



Burqini Pool Party


Piss Poor



Bala Rinas


Just put charlie



So Good They Named Him Twice


Cowley Casuals



Dynamo Charlton


Young Boys



Pikey Scum


Adam Johnson Fan Club



Two Goals One Cup
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