Month: May 2015

Lesbian shaves it for Casual encounter

SPORTING Lesbian all but secured their second Kenna League title in three years despite a late rally from Cowley Casuals.

A goal from Leonardo Ulloa and assist from James Milner were not enough from Casuals to overturn a 17-point deficit. It would take shockers of historical significance from Sporting’s Alexis Sanchez and Ashley Westwood at Wembley this Saturday to reverse their 11-point lead.

“It was very close at the end so we had to shave it,” said the Sporting Lesbian manager, expounding the kind of attitude that makes him a champion and Hairy Fadjeetas mid-table also rans.

Graziano Pelle (39 starts), Raheem Sterling (39) and Sanchez (38) have been the stand out performers behind Sporting’s success, but the rest of side all put in near-weekly appearances to contribute.

October transfer window recruits Nathan Dyer and Ahmed Elmohamady were consistent rather than amazing, although the manager will never let the chairman forget that derogatory assessment of Elmo.

Missing out on the league, the Casuals manager can take solace in his Canesten Combi Cup final victory over Dynamo Charlton.

Dynamo’s February transfer window signing Harry Kane levelled the score, so the tie was decided on the controversial points system. The Young Boys manager is unlikely to be impressed.

Looking at the gaps between teams in the rest of the top four, it’s unlikely Saturday’s match will change much unless Lokomotiv Leeds’ Kieron Gibbs can bother the referee more than Walthamstow Reds’ Theo Walcott.

For after 10 trophyless years the Reds manager is leading the inaugural Unfair Play league table.

“We’ve got a nice glass cabinet ready, but we’re not letting Erik Pieters near it!” quipped the Reds boss.

The chairman reminded managers to attend tomorrow evening’s – slightly premature – Kenna end-of-season awards evening at The Duke of York in Mayfair.

“Since the event’s in Mayfair we’re going all out on the Champions League final first goalscorer sweep entry: it’ll be raised to £5,” moneybagged the chairman.

There will also be a £1 first goalscorer sweep in tomorrow’s Europa League final.

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup – final result

Cowley Casuals 1 – 1 Dynamo Charlton
Casuals win 26-20 on points

Kenna table week 37

Kenna week 37 - 26 May 2015
Kenna week 37 – 26 May 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 44 4
2 Piedmonte Phil 36 1
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 34 3
4 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 0
5 Young Boys Denney 32 1
6 Pikey Scum Jack 32 1
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 29 2
8 FC Tescticuladew James N 29 0
9 Judean People’s Front Sholto 28 0
10 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 23 0
12 Just Put Carles Carles 23 0
13 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 22 1
14 Fat Ladies Ted 20 2
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 1
16 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 0
18 KS West Green Stix 19 0
19 St Reatham FC Mike 12 1
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Walcott, T – ARS – MID
Club Walthamstow Reds
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A cheeky Livermore

JAKE Livermore may be suspended but it didn’t stop the heart palpitations at Lokomotiv Leeds.

A lightening hat-trick and two assists from Sadio Mane saw the club moved into the top four of the Kenna League in the penultimate week of the season.

Lokomotiv move ahead of an increasingly weary Judean Peoples’ Front. The latter side has failed to register more than 16 points in a week for the last month.

Second-placed Cowley Casuals will be hoping Mane’s hat-trick madness is contagious as they head into the final week of the season challenging for the title.

A goal and assist apiece from James Milner and Romelu Lukaku, and a clean sheet and assist from Jolean Lescott, move Casuals to within 17 points of league leaders Sporting Lesbian.

Those wondering what the highest score amassed by a side on the last day of the season need look no further than two years ago.

Spartak Mogadishu chalked up 42 points in May 2013 after hat-tricks from two players: Kevin Nolan and – whaddayaknow – Lukaku.

Those heroics led the Spartak manager to his first ever Kenna silverware as his side smashed Just Put Carles 7-1 in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

Today those managers are a far cry from glory. Just Put Carles hover just above the relegation zone, probably safe from a toothless Still Don’t Know Yet who seem destined for the drop.

The Spartak manager is now in charge of Hoxton Pirates, but it won’t be long before a P45 is pinned to the captain’s table with a dagger. The Somali manager’s team is so far adrift not even Ross Kemp is trying to milk a new season of Sky’s In Search of Pirates out of it.

Fresh humiliation was poured on the weekend as Hoxton Pirates won the Go For Broke Cup having lost 1-0 to Judean Peoples’ Front, and therefore won the season’s mark of knockout infamy.

Looking ahead Cowley Casuals face Dynamo Charlton in the Canesten Combi Cup final this weekend.

The double is still on.

Kenna table – week 36 of 37

Kenna week 36 - 19 May 2015
Kenna week 36 – 19 May 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 49 3
2 Cowley Casuals Stu 41 2
3 FC Tescticuladew James N 38 4
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 28 1
5 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 3
6 Judean People’s Front Sholto 25 1
7 Just Put Carles Carles 23 2
8 Young Boys Denney 23 1
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 20 1
11 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 19 0
12 Piedmonte Phil 19 0
13 Fat Ladies Ted 17 1
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 15 1
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Team Panda Rules OK George 13 1
17 KS West Green Stix 13 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 0
19 St Reatham FC Mike 12 0
20 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Mane, S – SOT – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Dynamo and Casuals secure cup final meeting

DYNAMO Charlton secured a maiden Canesten Combi Cup final appearance when goal line technology awarded Bafetimbi Gomis a notch last night.

The goal saw Dynamo beat defending cup holders FC Testiculadew 4-2 on aggregate.

Even though the ‘Tactical Brambler‘ failed to show up to the pre-season auction, many were not surprised to see FCT get so close to the final. The ‘Dark Overlord of the Kenna’ is reigning World Cup holder even though he didn’t turn up to that pre-tournament auction either.

Dynamo will face Cowley Casuals in the Canesten Combi Cup final on the last day of the season after semi final opponents Team Panda Rules OK failed to arouse themselves sufficiently to overcome a three-goal advantage from the first leg.

The James Milner goal for Casuals, as well as a Leonardo Ulloa assist, also edged them closer in the title race to league leaders Sporting Lesbian.

At 30 points adrift, a Casuals league and cup double looks a long shot, but Sporting hotshots Graziano Pelle and Alexis Sanchez failed to make an impact this week, leaving the door ajar.

Should Cowley Casuals miss out on both the league and cup, critics will point to poor morale at the club due to their use of zero hours contracts.

The manager maintains temporary contracts give his players more flexibility, but Casuals midfielder Yanick Bolasie has broken ranks.

“They say it allows us to choose our hours, but I haven’t felt this insecure about my job since my loan spell at Rushden & Diamonds,” said the Democratic Republic of Congo international.

“We all feel that whatever happens we’ll all be dumped at the end of the season and put back on the free market in the summer, like we’re all in some sort of fantasy football league or something.”

Meanwhile, after seven consecutive weeks in fifth place St Reatham FC dropped one place in the table.

The manager has denied any link between his side’s change of league position and the discovery of a suitcase containing the body of a dead girl in the Grand Union Canal in Little Venice.

Metropolitan Police are keen to speak to the Surrey man, who was forced to flee the UK two years ago when the battered corpse of Natalie Sawyer was found on Chobham Common.

 

Cup news

Canesten Combi Cup semi final second leg results 

Cowley Casuals………………………1 (4)
Team Panda Rules OK…………..1 (1)

FC Testiculadew……………………..0 (2)
Dynamo Charlton…………………..1 (4)

Go For Broke Cup final – this weekend

Judean Peoples’ Front v Hoxton Pirates

Kenna table – week 35 of 37

Kenna week 35 - 12 May 2015
Kenna week 35 – 12 May 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 2
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 1
3 Young Boys Denney 30 2
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 28 1
5 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 25 0
7 Fat Ladies Ted 24 1
8 St Reatham FC Mike 23 1
9 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 22 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 0
11 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
12 KS West Green Stix 17 1
13 Just Put Carles Carles 17 0
14 Team Panda Rules OK George 15 1
15 Piedmonte Phil 15 1
16 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 15 1
17 Pikey Scum Jack 12 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 12 0
19 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 11 0
20 FC Tescticuladew James N 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Aguero, S – MCY – STR
Club Unsigned
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Analysis: The Adam Johnson football chants

ADVICE from the Crown Prosecution Service was clear.

When Adam Johnson was charged with three counts of sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl last month, the CPS said: ‘there should be no reporting, commentary or sharing of information online that may prejudice proceedings in the case.’

Unfortunately for the Sunderland winger’s reputation, this hasn’t stopped fans of rival clubs drawing their own conclusions about his actions through football chants and posting it on YouTube.

Appearing in the Kenna League this season for Still Don’t Know Yet, Johnson finds his suspected transgressions at the centre of two equally inappropriate ditties.

Let’s take a look at them in more detail.

The Toon Army chant

Catchy, original and easy to sing over and over again, Newcastle United fans have come up with an enduring terrace mantra.

The use of Slade’s Come On Feel The Noise allows even the most limited vocalist to revel in the P-word, and its simplicity means the lyrics can be picked up quickly by a match goer of little intellect.

Not for the first time in a football song poor grammar – here employed turning the slang verb ‘nonce’ into a noun – can be overlooked. The word ‘fiddling’ could be substituted without threatening the meter.

What cannot be ignored is the legal thin ice on which the chanter stands. The video was uploaded to the internet on 5 April, in between Johnson’s initial arrest (2 March) and his charge (23 April). Publicly pre-empting his sentence and calling him a sex offender could end in litigation if he’s innocent.

Conversely, should Johnson be found guilty this versatile chant can by updated by changing the start of the second line to ‘You’ve been sent down…’

The Red Devils chant

At once more intricate and involved, this chant bears all the hallmarks of an away coach workshopping session.

Again Johnson is labelled a sex offender, but this time there is more detail about the nature and geography of his infringements. Again the same legal pitfalls present themselves.

The chant has two shortcomings. First, although there is comedy value in presuming these misdemeanours occur at Sunderland’s home ground, in reality it doesn’t work.

The Stadium of Light’s city centre location and proximity to the Wearside Audi dealership means it’s likely to be covered with surveillance cameras. If Johnson really wanted to perform these murky deeds on club premises he would be better off in a more secluded spot, like the club’s training ground in the countryside, The Academy of Light near Cleadon.

The second drawback with this chant is despite the obvious time and effort that went into its conception, it fails to capitalise on the full melody of Yanky Doodle Went To Town. There is room for another four lines. Here are some considerations.

1. Since there is already legal compromise, they could take the scenario a little further:

Sticks his digits up their arse
Makes them smell his finger
It’s the only time he’ll score
‘Cos he’s a goal-shy winger

The first two lines are a dangerous supposition, but not even Fleet Street’s finest defamation lawyer could convince a judge that Johnson was prolific in front of goal.

2. The chanter could backtrack on their introductory slander with some qualification:

But we shouldn’t judge too soon
He’s only been arrested
We’ll refrain from saying more
Till DNA’s been tested

That would be one hell of a Jeremy Kyle Show.

Conclusion

Perhaps one day a footballer will be standing outside the Royal Courts of Justice having just won a landmark defamation case against everyone seen singing an inflammatory song in an internet video. Until that day people in a situation like Adam Johnson’s will find the schadenfreude of fans ever ready to make light of matters, always in poor taste but sometimes in a catchy and amusing way.

One thing is clear. At 18th in the Kenna League and staring down the barrel of relegation, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s ongoing fantasy football auction strategy of buying ex-Boro players is not paying dividends.

Cup news

Canesten Combi Cup – semi final first leg results

Team Panda Rules OK 0 – 3 Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 2 FC Testiculadew

This weekend – semi final second leg

Kenna table – week 34 of 37

Kenna week 34 - 5 May 2015
Kenna week 34 – 5 May 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 45 3
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 44 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 3
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 34 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 33 1
6 KS West Green Stix 31 0
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 30 1
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 30 0
10 Young Boys Denney 27 1
11 FC Tescticuladew James N 26 2
12 St Reatham FC Mike 26 1
13 Fat Ladies Ted 26 1
14 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
15 Just Put Carles Carles 19 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 16 0
17 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 12 0
19 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Albrighton, M – LEI – MID
Club Unsigned
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