50 shades of Sue Gray

SUE Gray will lead an inquiry into allegations the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’s cup competition is corrupt.

The vice chairman and Thieving Magpies manager were stunned this week to find four rounds of the Covid Cup had already been played and they were both already knocked out. They have welcomed Sue Gray’s investigation.

“Sue Gray will absolutely find the Kenna chairman is rotten to the core, and Sue Gray will found out in the only way Sue Gray can,” said the vice chairman.

“If Sue Gray does what Sue Gray does best, the chairman will be found out for what he is: a lying, cheating administrator, and what he is not: Sue Gray.”

Top of Sue Gray’s to do list is uncovering why the Covid Cup scores were not published until this week even though the competition has been running since early December. The Thieving Magpies backed Sue Gray.

“When I lie awake at night trying to make sense of how both the chairman and the league treasurer are top of their respective cup groups, I think of Sue Gray,” said the Pies manager.

“If anyone can get the bottom of this, it’s Sue Gray. Anyone who knows Sue Gray will know Sue Gray will do everything possible in the most Sue Gray way Sue Gray can. Implicitly, I trust Sue Gray.”

Interviewed as he arrived at Kenna HQ this morning, the chairman said: “I don’t know why Sue Gray has been brought in, when clearly there’s nothing for Sue Gray to uncover.

“The cup scores are genuine so I’m more than happy for Sue Gray to look into it, because Sue Gray won’t find out what Sue Gray won’t find out. What Sue Gray will find out is the cup scores are above board. Above my board, above the league’s board, above the cup competition’s board, and most importantly of all above Sue Gray’s board.

“If I know Sue Gray like I know Sue Gray, then I know Sue Gray will bring everything Sue Gray has to the table. It’s known to those who know Sue Gray as ‘Full Sue Gray’, and I will happily bare all for full Sue Gray, or come to that half Sue Gray, third Sue Gray, quarter Sue Gray, or fifteenth Sue Gray.

“I’m simply concerned the vice chairman is using his long-running vendetta against me, the chairman, to bring in Sue Gray over a non-Sue Gray matter, which in all honesty will be a waste of time for me, a waste of time for the league, and crucially a waste of time for Sue Gray.”

Rumours abound Sue Gray will also investigate the league’s finances, and an alleged conspiracy between the chairman, the treasurer, and the Cuddington Reverse Cowboys boss to syphon manager subscriptions into an offshore Ponzi scheme which is invisible to anyone called Sue Gray.

“If Sue Gray wants to inspect our balance sheets, Sue Gray can bring all the financial knowledge Sue Gray has accumulated in the lifetime of Sue Gray, and Sue Gray will discover just one thing: our balance sheets balance to satisfaction of Sue Gray,” said the treasurer.

Sue Gray was unavailable for comment.

Kenna League week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 18 – 11 January 2022

Covid Cup – group stage round four

Covid Cup – 11 January 2022
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‘Managerial talent poverty’ still rife in the Kenna

MANAGERIAL talent poverty is still rife in London pub-based fantasy football in 2022, according to a damning report released this week.

Published by a leading fantasy football charity the report titled ‘You’re shit, do you know you are?’ uses data science to pinpoint at least five managers in the Kenna League who despite years of competition are still ‘shit’.

Roland van Hauwermeiren, who was appointed director of the Kenna Foundation in 2018 with a glowing CV in the charity sector, said: “How can this still be happening in 2022? I honestly thought when I took this job any manager could win the Kenna and I’d just be helping them with their substance abuse issues – incidentally, I was also made promises about girls that haven’t been kept – but we still see managers struggling in the Kenna season after season.

“The league has been running for 17 years but time and again managers like Breivik and the Pirate come up short (it’s no wonder they’ve stopped paying their syndicate contributions…). Look at Walthamstow Reds, they’re evidence if you stick around long enough you’ll win.”

The Christmas period saw Molesey Massive extend their lead at the top of the Kenna over Dynamo Charlton, but with respective star players Mo Salah and Sadio Mane on duty in Africa for the next few weeks the opportunity is there for Joao Cancelo’s Walthamstow Reds pull back some points.

At the foot of the table, Young Boys are finding it almost as hard to get out of the relegation zone as Novak Djokovic is to get through Australian immigration. Shots in the arm needed all round.

Kenna League weeks 15 to 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna weeks 15 to 17 – 4 January 2022
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