BACK in the days when only highwaymen wore masks and before Kenna HQ installed a Batphone to the local Majestic, Kenna League managers went to pubs.
Since the Kenna was founded in 2005 there have been many Kenna managers who have each visited many pubs.
Even if you just count the number of pubs visited by Kenna managers competing this season, that’s 22 managers and hundreds, probably thousands, of pubs between them.
They will have seen and experienced every type of pub.
City pubs, country pubs, gastro pubs, craft beer pubs, hipster pubs, old man pubs, dog on a string pubs, pubs masquerading as private clubs, (mainly faux) Victorian pubs, pubs that used to be theatres or train stations which have stopped selling Jagerbombs for political reasons, pubs with yesterday’s hand dryer in the gents, pubs with tomorrow’s hand dryer in the gents, pubs with no hand dryer in the gents, ‘bridge and tunnel’ pubs, rough pubs, theme pubs, wannabe gangster pubs, pubs on ring roads serving overcooked slices of beef, foreign pubs run by questionable Englishmen, pubs where pints are discounted during live football matches, LGBT pubs, mews pubs, pubs with mock chalkboard point-of-sale marketing, après ski happy hour pubs, council estate pubs, pubs where the quality of the beer in no way warrants the price yet still you put more pound coins into a handled pint glass circulated by women with exactly five items of clothing including each shoe, and last but not least London pubs.
But there’s one pub across whose threshold a Kenna manager has never passed.
It has all those pub features which either endear or annoy the tippler, depending on how many pints down.
On the outside there are misted windows, which would give the pub a conspiratorial air if it wasn’t for two men swaying by the door whose total collection of clothes is worth less than the pouch of contraband tobacco from which they’ve made rollies to smoke.
One of the windows is decorated with the logos of sports broadcasters who have long passed into receivership.
The door is so heavy anyone arriving with a friend inadvertently slams it in their face upon entering. There’s a small glass entrance box on the inside so all the regulars can watch you and your friend make a pig’s ear with the door.
There are no hooks under the bar to hang coats. There are stools by the bar, but the regulars perch on them even during Friday night and Saturday afternoon peak times – when there should really be one more member of bar staff on – so queuing for a drink is as much fun as digging your own grave at gunpoint.
Out back is a bigger room which doesn’t know if it’s catering to disciples of Super Sunday or families eating Sunday lunch so it’s an unsatisfying experience for all involved, particularly when two men start shooting pool at the table in front of the big screen during a match.
The ‘craft’ option was brewed in the same premises as the mass market beers also on offer. Gin and tonic is served in a Paris goblet with a slice of lemon stored in a viscous substance. No one drinks the wine.
Like most of the locals, the Warner Howard in the gents has developed emphysema. And it’s not the best place to wear flip flops.
But there is one feature of this pub no Kenna manager has ever experienced before.
It’s the only boozer ever in the ken of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league where a genuine trio of league title chasers has emerged at the tail end of the season. This pub is called….
The Three Horses
|Dynamo (1,205 points)
|Test Team (1,192)
|Pope – 9
|Pickford – 9
|Patricio – 9
|D Sanchez – 8
|Alderweireld – 8
|Schar – 0
|Coleman – 5
|Ogbonna – 2
|Cathcart – 0
|Pereira – 0
|Zinchenko – 4
|Diop – 2
|Gomez – 1
|J Ward – 2
|Mee – 0
|Deulofeu – 0
|Grealish – 4
|WILLIAN – 7
|Almiron – 4
|Pereyra – 2
|Bruno F – 15
|KDB – 10
|Salah – 2
|Buendia – -1
|Bowen – 5
|Ward-Prowse – 3
|Tielemens – 2
|AUBAMEYANG – 15
|Jiminez – 12
|DCL – 3
|Samatta – 4
|Rashford – 12
|King – 4
|Week – 61
|Week – 60
|Total – 1,205
|Total – 1,192
|Total – 1,188
Kenna League table – two weeks to go
Full scores available from The Rub.
Coronavirus Cup final this weekend
Cup holders Clotted Cream First (275 points) have had the edge in form over Bala Rinas (234) in Project Restart, with loan players Raheem Sterling and Andrew Robertson proving useful additions in the February transfer window.
Bala Rinas look to Matt Doherty, Enda Stevens and Son Heung-Min to continue their streaks and compete for the league treasurer’s first piece of silverware.
No one’s every retained the cup, but the chalkstripes in the Kenna HQ speculations department are tipping the Clotted Cream manager to become the first.