Wednesday deadline for transfer submissions

The window
Peeping through the window

Managers have until 12pm on Wednesday (1 February) to submit their unwanted players.

Submissions can be made directly to the Chairman or by emailing [email protected].

Bidding will begin for available players next Friday at the second, and final, transfer night this season at 7.30pm.

The rules remain the same as for the first transfer night.

“This is the first ever Kenna event on a Friday and we’re excited,” said the Chairman, before dismissing claims that television scheduling had forced the administration’s hand.

“I must remind you that any manager found re-signing someone who has previously played for them this season will incur the Titus Bramble ruling. We look forward to finding someone who didn’t read this far.”

A clutch of top-scoring available players can be found below.


S Morison (Budgies) – 93
The Yak (Yakburn) – 90
Danny Graham (Swans) – 87
Holt (Budgies) – 78
Helguson (QPR) – 77


Richardson (Mackems) – 62
Ryan Taylor (Toon) – 62
J Allen (Swans) – 54
Formica (Blackburn) – 52
Jordi Gomez (Wigan) – 51


Heitinga (Everton) – 49
Bardsley (Mackems) – 44
Hibbert (Everton) – 43
Senderos (Fulham) – 43
McAuley (WBA) – 43


Lindegaard (Man U) – 39

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Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Final group standings
Final group standings

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January
Cup results – 24 January
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Mouldy Balls!

Edin Dzeko struggles to shake his marker

Even with Rooney and Dzeko doing their best Shrek and Donkey impression up front, FC Testiculadew dominate the Kenna.

The club now enjoy an 82-point lead atop the league.

Attacking midfielder Clint Dempsey was the hip hop superstar a fortnight past.

‘Deuce’ the goal robot popped up again with another player-of-week hat-trick.

Two assists from Shaun Wright-Phillips, one from Marouane Fellaini and a John O’Shea clean sheet completed the rout.

“I’ve put off this kind of talk so far, but now I’ve got one hand on that tax-free prize money come May,” said the FCT boss, or ‘Monsieur Pickles Quarte-vingts’ as he’s known at the gaming tables of the principality.

Weekly scores - 24 January 2012
Weekly scores - 24 January 2012


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Polonia ire at ‘flaccid’ performance

Battleaxe: Polonia need to sharpen up

The Polonia Forsyth manager has issued a startling battle cry after her team dropped to their lowest ever Kenna position.

Since they entered the league in 2008, the term ‘dropzone’ was only used at the club as players’ slang for the manager’s office.

Defensive worries have left them one spot off the bottom.

“I’m not going to stand here and get pummelled in the rear every week. I’m tired of these flaccid performances. You lot need to stiffen up and start pumping them in,” innuendoed the Polonia gaffer through an open trapdoor at the club’s Roger Hole training ground.

As part of an unorthodox training schedule, the Polonia first team spend all their time except match days locked in a soundproof ‘recovery’ area underneath Roger Hole wearing nothing but polyester, leopard-print thongs, stiff collars and bow ties.

“Food. We need food,” said Verdan Corluka.

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Clucking banker

Cock: the Chickens boss has answered critics

Barely 19 days since a two-footed lambasting from these very pages, Headless Chickens have answered critics on the pitch.

Leon Best, Shane Long and Gamst Pedersen were singled out for their meagre contribution to Chickens’ trifling goal tally.

All three players scored this week.

Theo Walcott also netted, putting Chickens one rung up the golden boot league to third from bottom.

“People view me now as a competent Kenna manager and at the end of my tenure here when ever that might be I would like to think they will think of me as a great Kenna manager,” flapped the Chickens boss, sounding remarkably like a Welshman in Queen’s Park.

Struck by African absenteeism, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds both lost ground to FC Testiculadew.

Helped by a returning-to-form Edin Dzeko goal, the leaders moved 40 points clear of the mêlée.

Weekly scores - 17 January 2012
Weekly scores - 17 January 2012


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Magpies manager admits he can’t go out locally

A thieving magpie
One for sorrow: Thieving Magpies have been bottom of the league for weeks

The Thieving Magpies manager has admitted that he can no longer go out in the local area because of the fear of meeting some of the club’s disgruntled fans.

With ‘Pies currently sitting bottom of the Kenna and facing the prospect of making more signings like Gabriel Obertan in the transfer window, supporters have vented their anger at the manager for most of the season.

Despite showing loyalty to the club since the Kenna began in 2005, the ‘Pies boss admitted that possible clashes with angry supporters has kept him from going out socially around the outfit’s Tin Foil Street ground.

“It’s sad really,” said the ‘Pies gaffer. “I live in the area but I don’t go out there because I can’t. You just never know who you might run into. I hope the situation changes and over Christmas it did feel like things were improving.

“I don’t go anywhere feeling any fear but, unfortunately, you never know where a flashpoint might occur,” he told Jeff All News.

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Cannestan Combinations

Groups after four rounds
Only five teams know their cup destiny

Two teams qualified to the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup with a game to spare.

Dynamo Charlton and Headless Chickens progressed from their respective groups this week after winning all three of their opening fixtures.

Just Put Carles, Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu have all been eliminated. The latter two without scoring a single group-stage point.

The last group game results will be published in a fortnight. Here are the permutations:

Group A

Vasco De Beauvoir rely on the small miracle of beating Hairy Fadjeetas by 15 points and hoping Lokomotiv Leeds lose to a strongly-placed Young Boys of Kilburn.

Group B

Bala Rinas or Polonia Forsyth can go through, but only if one of them wins by a country mile and Newington Reds lose by one to Headless Chickens.

Group C

Having played all their games, Superfuzz will be hoping PSV Mornington lose to Dynamo Charlton. The Dan Terry Seduction need to slay Spartak Mogadishu to have any chance.

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front need a Herculean effort against Lurliners and in-form FC Testiculadew to be taken to task by Pikey Scum.

Tie break
Tie breaker: What better way?

Rules clarification

If two teams finish the group stage on equal cup points and points difference, then whoever won the game between those two teams will go through. If that game was a draw, then the team with the most points ‘For’ will be deemed to be ahead.

If two teams finish with the same cup points, points difference, ‘For’ points and they drew their fixture, a tie break at the transfer night will decide the winner.

How fast can you neck a pint?

Round 4 results
Round 4 results
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What the Deuce!

FCT press conference
Testiculadew: health concerns marred post-match celebrations

A Clint Dempsey hat-trick put FC Testiculadew back on top of the Kenna in spectacular fashion.

Known as ‘Deuce’ during his keepy-uppy, rapping forays into the American ‘hood, Dempsey’s dope performance has left the FCT manager trippin’.

Commenting on his team’s emphatic week from a drop-top Cadillac full of b1tches driving at 5mph, da gaffer said: “FCT is the wickedest. Kenna say I’m pussy? I dare you to stick your dick in this.

“If I was pussy I’d be filled with syphillis, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, gettin rid of ya.”

A considerably less-than-fly week for Lokomotiv Leeds has left them 33 points off the lead.

Weekly scores - 10 January 2012
Weekly scores - 10 January 2012
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The big mid-season review

Bush review
“It’s the Kenna mid-season review, sir. It won’t bite.”
  • Manager of the month awards

  • Player of the week tallies

  • Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Like the initial police investigation into the murder of Stephen Lawrence, the Kenna season’s only half done.

This leaves an opportunity to look back like over the last five months and consider the consequences of that heady night in August.

A bit like someone serving time for looting a bag of Tesco Value rice.

So before Jesse Jackson turns up to call for a more integrated Kenna, let’s get get this show on the road.

Manager of the Month awards

FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.

Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.

After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong

Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.

And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.

MOTM - August to January
Managers and turkeys

As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.

Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.

As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.

Player of week tallies

Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?

Answer: Literally, none of them.

Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.

Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?

7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)

2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)

1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen brings his brand of punditry to the Kenna:

“Pace. Power. Determination. Lokomotiv Leeds have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…..”

Okay, Alan, that’s enough. Back to the bar for you.

Performance guide August - January
Compare overall month-by-month performance with other clubs
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Lokomotiv steam into 2012

Assault weapon: Titus Bramble

The momentum at Lokomotiv Leeds showed no sign of easing over the festive period.

The side’s midfield engine room came up trumps as Victor Moses, Rafael van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all netted, while Elliot Bennett picked up two assists.

However, it’s thought that Touré’s impending African duty could threaten the balance of the side.

“I do not know how it is going to work. I always said we could have a problem in January. Yaya is an important player for us,” platituded the Lokomotiv boss.

Meanwhile, Judean Peoples’ Front defender Titus Bramble faces a third $exual assault charge.

“This is ridiculous. You should never go out with a loaded weapon,” said an almost-too-relaxed looking JPF manager. “Why can’t the guy just whack off at home before hitting town?”

Weekly scores - 5 January 2012
Weekly scores - 5 January 2012
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