Boumsong declares war on ‘clipboard managers’

LONDON’S most prestigious Euros fantasy football competition will eradicate what it calls ‘clipboard management’, according to organisers.

More penalty drinks, variable formations and a mystery player draw are all being introduced to the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup auction to create an environment where ‘managers must fly by the seat of their pants’.

“Managers should be making impulse decisions, bidding on instinct and relying on their wits alone. I wouldn’t say they’ve become too wily – no one could make that accusation of any of this shower – but they have become too cautious,” said the chairman at a press conference this morning, in reference to a growing trend which prompted crisis talks in the upper echelons of Kenna HQ in February.

A marked decrease in managers triggering the league’s draconian forfeit procedure – the Titus Bramble ruling – has been observed over the last few domestic Kenna League events.

New rules announced for the Boumsong are being seen by many as a way of bringing more entertainment to the competition.

“The last two domestic auctions have seen slow bidding as managers hold up the auction checking stats on their cursed clipboards. Few managers are Brambling themselves and ‘Bramble Hour’ has disappeared completely,” continued the chairman in reference to the stage in an auction when alcohol begins to get the better of people’s judgement.

“Just compare that to the Olisabede.”

One manager Brambled himself so many times he resigned halfway through the evening, another began Brambling himself on purpose and everyone nearly came to blows. The chairman was, of course, referring to the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction that took place four years ago yesterday.

He was eager to point out he was not condoning the dark art of tactical Brambling. League legislation since 2012 has seen the practice all but wiped out.

Nevertheless, those present at the last Euros auction recall how the atmosphere changed after everyone downed a shot of tequila.

“We will introduce more official shot drinking to the Boumsong to impede decision making,” decreed the chairman, slamming both his fist on the table and a glass of Mezcal.

In addition to a round of shorts just before the start of the auction, organisers confirmed everyone present will neck another drink when England striker Jamie Vardy is introduced to bidding by the random player generator.

“He’s having a party,” explained the chairman, refilling his glass.

Further rule changes dictate anyone Brambling will have to buy a shot for themselves and for the manager who bought the preceding player. Both managers cannot take part in the auction again until they’ve seen off those draughts.

Another source of confusion will be the introduction of variable team formations.

Having traditionally prescribed a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 formation, organisers have finally bowed to the tactical flexibility that sees many international sides play with less strikers.

Managers will now have the choice of 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-5-1, 5-3-2, 5-4-1, 3-5-2 or 3-4-3. Formations do not have to be declared in advance, but participants should remember only one player of each nationality is permitted in each team.

There must be enough in the £100m managerial budget to spend at least £0.5m on each signing too.

Finally, there were hints at the press conference of a mystery player draw. Details are scant, mainly because the chairman was beginning to lose his grip on the day.

“Yous jusss have to way nnn seee. Kuntz, facking Kuntz,” slurred the chairman, in what everyone politely took as a nod to either the auction dress code or the international meanderings of Jack Wilshere.

The auction will take place on the evening of Friday 10 June in the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, scene of last August’s Kenna auction.

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Season review – Welsh flag on top for second time

CHRIS Smalling did his best to rain on the parade but in the end Young Boys of Vauxhall cruised to their second Kenna League title.

A red card for the defender was a rare blot on an otherwise excellent season for the Welshman’s side, which saw him join Young Boys Riyad Mahrez, Romelu Lukaku and Nacho Monreal in breaking individual scores of 150 points.

Lukaku broke 200 points some weeks ago before taking an early summer, which left the door ajar for Walthamstow Reds.

A Midlands Miracle was unforthcoming, and the Wulfrunian manager contrived to lose out on the title while beating a strong spring showing from the Bala Rinas side of the treasurer – MOTM in March and April.

Or should we say the Bala Rinas of the treasurer’s auction second? With no transfers made at either window, the decisions made on that warm August afternoon on the balcony of the Hoop & Grapes, including the insubordinate signature of David De Gea, made the difference.

At the helm of his own club, the treasurer’s second promises to be a formidable foe next season.

Another one to watch carefully is the defending Euros champion and manager of Dynamo Charlton, who ploughed their usual furrow of consistency to claim fourth. The manager’s preference for keeping a low profile and a longer-term strategy bore fruit.

Seven of his August signatures broke 100 points, and his dependable and unglamorous recruitment policy saw only £15m spent on six of those, leaving enough in the bank to cherry pick Anthony Martial at the October window.

Pikey Scum won their second cup, but lost out on fifth place on goals scored in the last week to the mercurial rise of Just Put Carles.

Sitting 15th in January, Harry Kane’s 234 points, more than 150 each from Alexis Sanchez and Cesc Fabregas, and tons from Alberto Moreno and Patrick van Aanholt saw the red and yellow Senyera flying higher in the Kenna than it was in the Vicente Calderon.

On the subject of flags, the Jolly Roger of the league’s Somali representative is planted above the relegation zone for the first time in three seasons.

An all-too-common diary mix up in August saw the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager make seven changes to his automatically-generated side at the October window.

A rare administrative error at Kenna HQ saw ISIL field the wrong goalkeeper until January, when Heurelho Gomes was rightfully restored. The backlog of points saw ISIL jump seven places in the league. A further six transfers in February had the club in a familiar tailspin for the rest of the campaign.

Hairy Fadjeetas, Headless Chickens and Uncertain failed to capitalise on such incompetence. Their absolute lack of transfer activity in February hints at situations too dismal to contemplate.

In particular Headless Chickens, whose manager saw fit to field Sergio Ramos for the duration of the season.

An honourable mentions goes to the Wandsworth Network Solutions manager, who scooped three MOTMs in a row over winter with Ayoze Perez up front.

Prize money

Young Boys – Champions (£150), October MOTM (£12.50) = £162.50

Pikey Scum – Narcozep Cup winners (£75) = £75

Bala Rinas – third place (£25), September, March and April MOTMs (£37.50) = £62.50

Walthamstow Reds – runners up (£50) = £50

Wandsworth Network Solutions – December, January and February MOTMs (£37.50)

Dynamo Charlton – Wenger Trophy (£12.50), August MOTM (£12.50) = £25

Just Put Carles – May MOTM (£12.50) = £12.50

Judean Peoples’ Front – November MOTM (£12.50) = £12.50

Final Kenna table and form guide – 2015/16

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League table and form guide 2015/16
Kenna League table and form guide 2015/16

Weekly scores

Weekly scores 38 - 2015/16
Weekly scores 38 – 2015/16
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Smalling own goal form Reds’ only hope

WILLIAM Gallas once made the infamous threat to pump balls into his own net unless his transfer request was granted.

It would take Chris Smalling to perform a similar stunt 12 times on Saturday for Young Boys to be denied their second Kenna League championship by Walthamstow Reds.

Coming into the last couple of weeks of the season with an outside chance of winning the double, Reds also lost their Narcozep Cup final with Pikey Scum by three points.

“F*ck b0ll0cking b0ll0cks,” said the Reds manager outside the club’s ground The Old Dog Track.

Both Young Boys and Pikey Scum win their respective silverware for the second successive time.

Young Boys won their maiden league title in 2011. Pikey Scum won the Canesten Combi Cup in 2008.

“If I was coming to the pub tonight to watch the Europa League final I would mainly be gloating,” said the Young Boys manager, silently concerned about Smalling’s form after a second own goal of the campaign last night.

The treasurer looks set to take third place in the league, overcoming his deep misgivings of his August auction second’s policy.

With one match remaining of the season, most managers have already turned to preparations for the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction next month.

Narcozep Cup final – result

Walthamstow Reds 23 – 26 Pikey Scum

Pikey Scum win the Narcozep Cup

Kenna League table – week 37

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 37 - 18 May 2016
Kenna table – week 37 – 18 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 40 2
2 Uncertain Pete B 40 2
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 29 3
5 KS West Green Stix 28 1
6 Team Panda George 26 4
7 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 2
9 Carles Carles 25 1
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
11 Newington Reds Ben D 23 0
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 20 1
13 Thieving Magpies Phil 17 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 14 1
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 1
16 ISIL Abdi 13 0
17 FC Tescticuladew James N 12 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 11 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 9 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Team Panda
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As unpredictable as Macedonian taxis

TWO assists from Philippe Coutinho and a Jermaine Defoe goal put Kenna title challengers Walthamstow Reds to within 25 points of leaders Young Boys this week.

The smart money is very much still on Young Boys, who have a superior goal count and the only likely starter next weekend of the two sides: Chris Smalling.

The Walthamstow Reds manager will have likely resigned himself to another league second place considering the club have more chance of silverware elsewhere.

The Narcozep Cup final against Pikey Scum, whose manager along with the Reds boss is another Kenna co-founder and committee member, promises to be a ding dong battle.

The Scum manager is looking for his second cup win, having claimed the Canesten Combi Cup in 2008. Whether Memphis Depay, Emmanuel Adebayor and the rest of the team can outperform Reds like they did by two points last weekend remains to be seen.

Taking time from his official visit to the Balkans, where it turns out the Hairy Fadjeetas manager really has been checking for teeth, the chairman said: “As many players already have one foot on the beach or one eye on next month’s Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros, the only thing we can predict about Sunday is it will unpredictable. A bit like trying to book a taxi in the Skopje.”


Narcozep Cup final this Sunday

Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna table – week 36

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 36 - 12 May 2016
Kenna table – week 36 – 12 May 2016

Weekly scores

Kenna weekly scores - week 36 - 12 May 2016
Kenna weekly scores – week 36 – 12 May 2016
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Chairman organises piss up in brewery. Twice.

BEAVERTOWN Brewery could become the new Kenna HQ local after the chairman was spotted drinking there two weekends in a row.

The unorthodox choice is thought to stem from the delicious, cheap beer, which helps visitors overlook they’re spending the best Saturday weather of the year so far in an industrial estate carpark in Tottenham.

Sources close to the chairman say he’s tempted to make the craft beer warehouse a regular haunt.

News the chairman’s head has been turned will come as a blow to Kenna August auction venue hopeful The Westbury in N22.

Just 10 minutes’ walk from Kenna HQ and serving well-kept Brooklyn Lager, The Westbury was widely tipped to become the first pub outside zone 1 to host the auction.

Beavertown’s unusual opening hours – Saturdays only from 2pm to 8pm – are a perfect fit for the Kenna auction, but the lack of rain cover, lack of Sky Sports, lack of hooks under the bar, lack of optics and lack of Scotch egg options are all negatives.

The chairman’s successful organisation of two piss ups in a brewery is being seen as a poke in the chest to those in the Kenna committee who question his abilities to run the league.

“So long as that’s the only place he’s poking us,” said the Young Boys manager.

The chairman refused to be drawn on the subject at this morning’s press conference.

He would only confirm this week’s points would be counted on Thursday, to leave Sunday’s matches alone deciding the Narcozep Cup final between Pikey Scum and Walthamstow Reds.

The latter club made no dent in Young Boys’ lead over the weekend. Reds striker Jermaine Defoe’s performance on Wednesday night is now being touted as the manager’s final throw of the dice in his hunt for a maiden Kenna title, and possibly The Double.

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The chairman’s new clothes

ENTRANTS to a fantasy football Euro 2016 auction should turn up in replica football shirts celebrating the competition, it was announced today.

At a press conference this morning, organisers of the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction said managers should wear shirts ‘recognising players and teams who have enhanced our experience of the European Cup’.

“As for my shirt, for me, when I think of Germany winning the Euros in England 20 years ago, I think Kuntz,” the chairman told stunned journalists.

The comment was part explained when the chairman unveiled the shirt he would be wearing to the auction in early June: the number 11 Stefan Kuntz Germany shirt from Euro 96.

“Everyone has a Kuntz,” he went on oblivious. “A player, a team, a moment which has shaped their memories of the competition.

“You say to me: van Basten’s volley, Poborsky’s scoopZidane’s control, Gazza’s magic, Villa’s hat trick, Zlatan’s flick, Pirlo’s pinpoint accuracy, Figo’s comeback and Suker’s lob.

“And I say to you: Dutch Kuntz, Czech Kuntz, French Kuntz, English, Kuntz, Spanish Kuntz, Swedish Kuntz, Italian Kuntz, Portuguese Kuntz and Croatian Kuntz.”

When one reporter asked if managers at the auction – decked out in all these different football shirts – would end up looking like ‘a bunch of Kuntz’, the chairman looked slightly bemused.

“Well, that’s a pretty crude way of putting it, but yes, I suppose in that sense they will,” he replied, warming to the analogy. “But not a bunch of Kuntz, I’d say it’ll be more like a festival or carnival of Kuntz.”

Taking place on the evening of Friday 10 June at the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, the Boumsong auction will see up to 20 managers battling it out to sign their eleven players for the tournament.

Managers can only sign one player of each nationality. They will have the added challenge of the opening match of the tournament France v Romania being played on television at the same.

In the domestic league this week, Andros Townsend and Jermaine Defoe both found the net to help Walthamstow Reds cut Young Boys‘ lead by another eight points to 38.

Kenna table – week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 35 - 3 May 2016
Kenna table – week 35 – 3 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 39 3
2 Pikey Scum Jack 39 0
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 36 4
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 2
7 Uncertain Pete B 24 3
8 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
9 FC Tescticuladew James N 24 1
10 Young Boys Andrew D 23 1
11 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 2
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 1
13 Carles Carles 18 1
14 ISIL Abdi 17 2
15 KS West Green Stix 17 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 13 0
18 Team Panda George 13 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mane, S – SOT – MID
Club Cowley Casuals
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