Bala Rinas win league, Fadges win cup

TWO Kenna managers began their trophy collections on the weekend after a combined 21 seasons of trying.

Bala Rinas confirmed their league title having comfortably topped the table for 29 weeks, picking up the October, December, and March manager of the month awards on the way.

The Kenna treasurer’s big money auction signing Sir Marcus (£29m) was among the season’s top ten performers, and will be drinking for free in the pubs of Bala now local parents have a bit more money in their pockets.

Pikey Scum, the 2018 champions, put in a spirited performance but have been in no danger of catching Bala for weeks finishing second.

The Norris Bros make up the rest of the top four. With three relegations and a highest previous finish of ninth in eight seasons, Piss Poor excelled themselves to come third.

Coming into the season trophy-less since his league, cup, and Emerson World Cup treble in 2014, the tale of the fallen (Death) Star continues for the Dark Lord, who just lost out on the Covid Cup to Hairy Fadjeetas.

Fadges toiled in the league finishing in 14th, but the luck of the knockout cup draw saw them face the only two teams lower placed than them in the league – in the quarter finals (Lokomotiv Leeds, 16th) and semi finals (Craft Beer Wankers, 17th) – before a first proper test in the final.

‘I’m cock-a-hoop, but I’m never buying Donny van der Beek again,’ said the Fadges boss.

The top six places in the league were occupied by managers ‘on the phones’, who dialled into the September auction remotely.

The rule of six managers in ‘the garden’ finished in 7th, 9th, 10th, 12th, 13th, and 15th, boasting one manager of the month award between them.

‘Midtable,’ tweeted Opta Joe.

Attentions now turn to next Saturday’s Euros Super League auction, or at least the attentions of five managers, who are the only ones to confirm attendance.

Covid Cup final result

Hairy Fadjeetas 50 – 46 The Dark Lord

Kenna week 34

Kenna League week 34 – 24 May 2021 – Final standings and MOTMs

Prize money

Bala Rinas – £180 (Champions: £150, MOTMx3: £30)

Hairy Fadjeetas – £75 (Cup winner)

Pikey Scum – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTMx2: £20)

Piss Poor – £35 (Third: £25, MOTM: £10)

FC Testiculadew – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTM: £10)

Test Team (Please Ignore) – £10 (MOTM)

Thieving Magpies – £10 (MOTM)

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Police hunt for Bala double hopes in Dark place

Excavation work is to begin at a cafe where police have been searching for the Bala Rinas’ double hopes.

The league treasurer‘s chance of winning the Kenna title and cup went missing last week and police have been searching the cellar of the the Dark Lord‘s premises.

Officers were called to FC Testicualdew on 7 May following suggestions a cup run may have been buried there.

There is enough evidence for excavation work to take place, police said.

Bala Rinas had hoped to win a maiden league and cup after 11 seasons in the Kenna League, but will have to settle for the title with an unassailable 98-point lead.

FC Testiculadew face long-time rivals Hairy Fadjeetas in this weekend’s Covid Cup final.

The Fadges manager has had a lacklustre season in the league but is hoping for his first piece of Kenna silverware.

The pinstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are massively favouring the Dark Lord, who despite not winning a trophy for seven years has two doubles to his name.

Covid Cup semi final results (from last week)

Bala Rinas 28 (54) – 31 (61) FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 26 (43) – 27 (35) Craft Beer Wankers

Final this weekend: Dark Lord v Fadges

Kenna week 32

Kenna week 32 – 11 May 2021

Kenna week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 33 – 18 May 2021
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Dark Lord threatens Bala double

BALA Rinas inexorably march on to a maiden Kenna title, but the Dark Lord threatens their double hopes.

FC Testiculadew come out of the Covid Cup semi final first leg with a four-point advantage over the league treasurer‘s eleven.

Deciphering how the Dark Lord’s team is playing so well proves difficult. Anthony Martial hasn’t made an appearance for five weeks and is set to miss at least another two.

Clean sheets from Eric Dier and Gabriel headline a workmanlike week from the FC Testiculadew side.

Bala put in a similar performance, in the Kenna equivalent of a no score draw. The only individuals of note Hugo Lloris and Joao Cancelo with seven points apiece.

Nevertheless, the treasurer will be very pleased with the 100-point cushion between him and 2018 champions Pikey Scum in the league.

He will also be delighted at having picked up Cancelo for £0.5m in the September auction, a terrific piece of pot-luck business every title-winning Kenna manager will appreciate.

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 30 FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 17 – 8 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 31 - 5 May 2021
Kenna week 31 – 5 May 2021
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