The chairman said:

“I think the phrase rhymes with clucking may God.”

Covid Cup results

Bala 29 – 14 Dark Lord
Dynamo 39 – 36 Reds
Scum 27 – 44 Pies
Casuals 34 – 18 Kuntz
Chairman 36 – 32 Cream
TT 13 – 18 Fadges
PP 26 – 21 TNS
Barry 35 – 47 Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 21

Full scores available in The Rub.

Kenna week 21 - 18 February 2021
Kenna week 21 – 18 February 2021
Share Button

Black Country ‘f-yow-ry’

FOUR football managers from Wolverhampton have filed a class action lawsuit against the Kenna League for alleged discrimination at last week’s transfer window.

Running the window auction on video conferencing for the first time in the history of the Kenna, the chairman kept mistaking which Black Country manager was bidding for players because ‘they all sound the same to me’.

‘Usually we’re in the pub and I can tell who’s who because of where they’re sitting and where the low sort-of-growly noise is coming from. Last Friday it was a wall of tiles on the screen,’ said the chairman this week.

The Wulfrunian managers were outraged, and have not accepted the chairman’s explanation, instead choosing to pursue legal action.

The Wolverhampton-born manager of Walthamstow Reds detailed exactly why they were taking this issue so seriously: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam just laayzy stereotoiping.

‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam hyowman roights infringement.’

The Thieving Magpies manager, another plaintiff, was clearly furious: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam don’t all sound the soime. It’s a disgroice.’

The Cowley Casuals boss told the Express and Star: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam soigned Benrahma not Royan Bertrand.’

The fourth Black Country manager to file the class action suit, the Bunch of Kuntz gaffer, is in his debut season in the Kenna. He added a touch of metaphor to his comment on the situation: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam Ebangks-Blaayke in Roileys on Broad Street.’

Covid Cup draw

Group A – Bala Rinas, The Dark Lord, Dynamo Charlton, Reds, Vice chairman

Group B – Pikey Scum, Pies, Casuals, Bunch of Kuntz, Daggers

Group C – Chairman’s XI, Clotted Cream, Test Team, Fadges, The Pirate

Group D – Piss Poor, TNS, Barry Town, Lokomotiv, Breivik

This weekend

Bala v Dark Lord
Dynamo v Reds
Scum v Pies
Casuals v Kuntz
Chairman v Cream
TT v Fadges
Barry v Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 11 February 2021
Kenna week 20 – 11 February 2021
Share Button

Five things to watch out for at tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window

THE Kenna League’s first fully remote transfer window starts tomorrow at 6pm.

This is the only window of the season – the Kenna usually has two – and presents the sole chance for managers to set up their teams for the campaign finale.

Here are five things Kenna managers will have a keen eye on tomorrow.

The Bala Rinas manager

The Bala Rinas manager has come a long way since signing Carlos Edwards in the upstairs bar of the Black Horse on Rathbone Place 14 years ago.

Not only did he become league treasurer, this season he’s flying at the top of the table, but his previous best is three third place finishes between 2014 and 2016, and he is unaccustomed to entering a transfer window at this altitude.

Will his fledging membership of the mile high club come to a premature end even before the stewardess opens the flaps on her drinks trolley?

Bala Rinas released ballast Saed Kolasinac and Oliver Norwood earlier this week, and Trent Alexander-Arnold ends his loan spell.

The manager needs to sign a midfielder and two defenders, a big ask with just £2.5m in the bank.

Tomas Soucek (87 points), Kurt Zouma (80), Jan Bednarek (78), and Thiago Silva (71) will be top of the Bala Rinas’ shopping list, but the manager could be in for a long evening.

Edison Cavani

Chiselled from marble and deadlier from close range than a Covid-contaminated queue outside Greggs, Cavani is a world-class striker.

Despite only making seven starts in 20 game weeks, the neo-classical goal threat has already racked up 56 points and is now a regular starter.

Rodrigo, McGoldrick, Welbeck and Benteke are the highest-scoring alternatives from the available forwards. The Uruguayan will come at a premium.

The Test Team (please ignore) manager – the window’s richest club with £34.5m at his disposal – may decide to wildcard Chris Wood to make way.

The other most affluent managers are all Bramble tied too. Could we see the likes of Victor Lindelof, Ivan Cavaleiro, David De Gea, or Obi Wan-Bissaka released on wildcards?


August 2018. That’s the last time Jesse Lingard was signed by a Kenna manager.

Since then his stock as a midfielder has fallen almost as low as Adam Johnson’s.

But then he moved south this week and scored two goals in one game.

Could he be a replacement for Mason Greenwood at Test Team (please ignore)? Or Dele Alli at Barry Town? Or Bill Cosby at Walthamstow Reds?

The Dark Lord’s wildcard

No stranger to controversy or a title challenge, the FC Testiculadew manager is set for another window of smoke and mirrors to cut the gap on league leaders Bala Rinas.

Releasing only his loan player Matheus Pereira, foremost in his thoughts will be Ross Barkley or Pascal Gross to fill the gap in midfield.

It’s hard to predict where FCT can improve a team of steady points accumulators, but every Kenna manager knows (and every Kenna administrator dreads) ‘the Tactical Brambler‘ will spend the next 24 hours deep in scheme.

The Pirate’s Bramble

Second from bottom in the league, the Craft Beer Wankers boss is the lowest-ranked manager not to have his team recruited completely by autofill.

Having released Glenn Murray, Felipe Anderson and Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Nilsen, the Pirate has just £1.5m to sign three players.

The question in every manager’s mind is: even knowing he can only spend point five on each player, will the Pirate drink enough of his home brew to Bramble on the likes of Cavani or Zouma? Or even buy a crocked Raul Jiminez?

Like a 100-year-old Second World War veteran admitted to hospital with Coronavirus, you know the writing’s on the wall.

Player releases and remaining budgets

ManagerLoan playerReleasesBramble tiesWar chest (£m)
PaulGreenwoodEgan, Dubravka34.5
MackayAlli, VVD, Batshit27
JackJack O’Connell, Gary Cahill25
DudleyD Sanchez, Basham, Neves, Bill Cosby, Martinelli18.5
ChairmanRyan, J Rod17
AidenRodrigo LeedsDonny VDB15
StuBarkleyBryan, Ake, Barnes, JiminezBarkley, Grealish14
Vice chairmanRobson-Kanu14
SilverThiagoDean Henderson, Mustafi, Austin, Dwight Gayle14
SadlerJoelintonGomez, Long, Havertz, Vinagre, Mitrovic, Rice13
OliGrossCaballero, Cyrus Christie9.5
Dark LordPereira West Brom7
John NorrisFred7
PhilVertonghen, Trezeguet3
LewisTrentNorwood, Kolasinac2.5
AbdiGlenn Murray, Denis Nilsen, Felipe Anderson1.5

Kenna League week 19

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 19 - 2 February 2021
Kenna week 19 – 2 February 2021
Share Button