Emerson World Cup venue ‘not ready’

Union Tavern
Venue menu snafu: As it stands, the Union Tavern is not ready for the Emerson World Cup auction (photo: Ian Alexander Martin)

THE date is set, squads are being announced and managers are scratching their heads to think of amusing team names.

But with two weeks to go until the hammer goes down on the first player at the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction, the venue is still not ready.

The Union Tavern on Lloyd Baker Street, Clerkenwell, was selected to host the Emerson auction for its roomy upstairs bar, impressive range of premium lagers and gastropub food offer.

The Victorian architecture was viewed as an excellent setting for managers to spend the four-hour auction buying their 11 players for the tournament, and enjoy the opening match between Brazil and Croatia.

Instead arrangements have been thrown into disarray when it emerged during a spot inspection from Emerson officials this week that the pub food menu has not yet been decided.

The landlord said dishes will not be confirmed until at least 10 days before the auction.

The revelations will be yet more egg on the face of organisers, although they were unable to say how that egg would be cooked and with what it would be served, if at all.

For managers trying to Skype into the second transfer window in February, this fresh display of ineptitude from league authorities will come as no surprise. The broken promise of wifi in The Enterprise in Holborn as they tried to buy players from the Alps is still a painful memory.

“The chairman blatantly doesn’t know what he’s doing,” chuntered the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager, ever ready to put down the incumbent league leadership.

“There will be at least 15 people turning up in the evening who won’t have eaten since lunchtime, and as we stand they don’t know whether they can order pappardelle pasta with New Forest mushrooms, rocket, parmesan & truffle oil or lamb rump, sweet potato purée, caramelised shallots, minted peas & jus.

“Kenna HQ? More like Clusterf*ck HQ. It’s an utter disaster.”

In the face of criticism, the chairman remained confident the situation would be resolved and urged people ‘don’t pay attention to the prawn sandwich brigade’.

“Whatever’s on the menu, we know from previous events that any self-respecting manager will opt for a Cornish pasty on the way to the pub followed by several pints and a traditional ‘crisp buffet’ if someone decides to buy three bags of Phileas Fogg to open up on the table,” he shrugged.

A source at Kenna HQ said it was no longer policy to arrange a formal buffet for league events ever since a sharp learning curve in the cellar bar of The Golden Fleece two years ago.

“One thing managers won’t need to bring is cigarettes,” smiled the chairman.

“We know from previous auctions they can just crash from the Young Boys manager.”

The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through

Soul Glo Darryl Jenks

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Kenna winner makes ceremony demands

Yaya Toure
Where the cake at? (photo: Angel Tapia)

YAYA Touré isn’t the only person in football this week to make demands about how things should be presented to him.

A memo leaked from Kenna HQ has revealed the FC Testiculadew manager, whose side won the league and cup double this season, has made a series of requests about how he would like his prize giving ceremony to go, most of which were turned down by a cash-strapped league administration.

First of all the FCT manager, known around the Kenna as the Tactical Brambler, asked for a novelty cheque as he’d ‘never received one and it’d be a great photo opportunity for the league’.

The manager continued: “Regarding the trophy presentation, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this, is there any way this can be done as the top of a flight of steps at the pub rather than on the ground floor on a small stage with confetti cannons?”

In turning down many of the FCT manager’s requests, league authorities were quick to point out the fiscal constraints placed upon them by failure of the Dulwich Red Sox manager to pay his £25 entry fee.

The official response said: “When contacted the FA were polite but reluctant to give the green light for a Wembley presentation, and a potential sponsorship deal with Mumm champagne also fell through when talks were at advanced stages.

“Added to that are financial difficulties at the Kenna HQ because one manager didn’t pay his subs.

“In short, the league can provide a pub staircase, handover ceremony and a two-litre bottle of White Lightening, but you’ll have to bring your own cheerleaders.

“We regret to inform you, however, that a novelty cheque is out of the question. The office printer is out of ink.”

The ceremony is due to take place ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction at a London pub next month.

The Dulwich Red Sox manager’s pecuniary disinclination has also led to a reduction in prize monies this season.

A Cockney chalkstripe from the Kenna HQ speculations department confirmed: “Manager of the Month awards, which were set at £12.50, have been reduced to an Ayrton.

“The Wenger Trophy has also been reduced from a pony to a Bobby Moore. Considering the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s untimely visit to the Frank Zapper, that makes it the most expensive pony he’s ever had!” he quipped.

FC Testiculadew: £270
Kenna League champions: £150
Canesten Combi Cup winners: £100
Manager of the Month in January and April: £10 x2

Piedmonte: £85
Kenna League runners up: £75
Manager of the Month in November: £10

Bala Rinas: £50
Kenna League third place: £50

Judean Peoples’ Front: £20
Wenger Trophy (4th place): £20

Other Manager of the Month awards: £10 each
August: Sporting Lesbian
September: Headless Chickens
October: Hairy Fadjeetas
December: This is Sparta…Prague
February: Pikey Scum
March: Just Put Carles
May: Still Don’t Know Yet

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart - Kenna League 2013/14
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart – Kenna League 2013/14
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Amusing Brazil team names a fantasy

Alan Brazil
Big and unfunny: Brazil

EMERSON World Cup organisers have admitted funny fantasy football team names will be harder to come by this summer than previous tournaments, and launched an appeal for ideas.

Talking to assembled journalists outside league headquarters this morning, the chairman said despite Brazil’s rich culture and history Emerson boffins had failed to come up with anything as amusing or inappropriate as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros tournament two years ago.

“We’ve had our top minds putting their heads together for the last three days and the best they’ve come up with is ‘Copa Lallana’, ‘Kappa-Wearers’ and ‘Just Like Watching Alan Brazil’. It’s a bit embarrassing really,” lamented the chairman.

Other names to come out of the Emerson think tank include: ‘Christopher Samba School’, ‘Man or Manaus’, ‘Rio de Mistrugstessed’ and ‘Just Like Watching Savile’ – the last a reference to the childhood innocence of many Emerson managers in the 1980s.

“Two years ago Poland and Ukraine had the social shortcomings and unfortunate 20th Century history which meant inappropriate team names were easy to come by,” reminisced the chairman. “And the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup, well, I can tell you our lawyers are very happy those weren’t published online.”

The admission has led to fears the Emerson will simply not be as irreverent as previous tournaments.

The chairman this morning launched an appeal for anyone with a sense of humour to come forward with team names ahead of the Emerson auction, which is scheduled to take place in a London pub on Thursday 12 June, the evening of the opening game.

The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through.

Soul Glo gif

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Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’

Chocolate hostage
Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)

THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.

Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.

The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.

As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.

The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.

“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.

“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”

This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.

Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.

The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.

Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.

Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.

Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.

Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”

In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.

“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”

The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.

Kenna table – final standings

Kenna wk 37 - 20 May 2014
Kenna wk 37 – 20 May 2014

Weekly scores





Pikey Scum Jack  8   1 


Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden  7   1 


PSV Mornington El Pons  7   1 


KS West Green Stix  4   1 


Team Panda Rules OK George  4   0 


FC Testiculadew James N  2   0


Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge  2   0 


Sporting Lesbian Ben M  2   0


Judean Peoples Front Sholto  1   0 


Just put Carles Carles  1   0 


Newington Reds Dudley  1   0 


Northern Monkeys Hugo   1   0 


St. Reatham FC Mike   1   0 


Bala Rinas Lewis  0   0 


Dynamo Charlton Alex  0   0 


Headless Chickens John N  0   0


Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S  0   0


Dulwich Red Sox Luke  0   0 


Piedmonte Phil  0   0 


Spartak Mogadishu Abdi  0   0 


Still Don’t Know Yet Pete  0   0 


This is Sparta…Prague Rich  0   0 


Young Boys Denney  0  0 


Player of the week


Quinn, S – HUL – MID


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Emerson: Like Merson after an E

Emerson sticker
Rare sticker: In an 18-year career, Emerson never made more than 86 appearances for a single club

DODGY hair and Brazilian flair in the most unlikely of places are what most people recalled when former Middlesbrough midfielder Emerson was announced last week as the figurehead of this summer’s fantasy World Cup contest, but what is really remembered of the 1990s powerhouse on Teesside?

In this fascinating insight, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager recounts life in the smog during those sledgehammer strikes and unusual nightlife habits:

It was 1996. Heady days. Gina G was riding high in the charts, Tony Blair was seen as the potential saviour of the country rather than a warmongering poodle with a taste for Far Eastern women, and, at Middlesbrough’s Rockcliffe Park training complex, Bryan Robson was busy plotting how to build a side which could lose two cup finals and get relegated in a single season.

Already the pieces were beginning to fall into place. In Chris Morris he had the heir to a successful Cornish pasty making dynasty, in Nick Barmby the world’s most unlikely gambling addict, and in Juninho he had signed, pound-for-pound, the best player in the league.

But he needed something more. His Brazilian star playmaker’s problem of not being able to see over the ball and being blown off course by a gust of wind from the wings of a passing butterfly, meant he needed to strengthen his midfield.

Swigging gently from his ninth can of Carling (admittedly it had been a slow day, he had yet to sign Paul Merson) Robson believed he had come up with a solution.

Emerson – a man with all the flair, touch, passing ability, and shooting technique of his diminutive fellow Brazilian, but actually human size. Prizing him away from from his former England manager at Porto should have been an near impossible task if it wasn’t for Bobby Robson’s already advancing dementia, similarities in surname, and the corrupt nature of Iberian administrative staff.

Soon everybody knew that there was a new force on Teesside (except for Bobby Robson, who only found out that Emerson had left two weeks later during a conversation with the kit man about how he’d parked his Seat Leon 10 days ago and had been unable to find it since).

Emerson had the two ingredients necessary to be a foreign star in the Premiership in the 1990s – unlike domestic players he could control the ball in less than three touches and he absolutely despised the club and area where he was contracted to play. But having grown up on the beaches of Rio de Janeiro there was one thing that attracted him to Teesside – the resort town of Redcar.

The similarities may not be obvious, where Rio has Christ the Redeemer, Redcar has one of the world’s largest blast furnaces. While crowds flock to the Brazilian city’s famous beaches, the biggest petrochemical complex in western Europe largely drives away the tourist trade from the Teesside town’s sands.

Emerson, though, had a taste for slightly different delights. He was a creature of the night, and when it came to clubs and pubs Redcar could hold its own with any international rival. You want to see people dancing in cages? Head to Sharky’s. Triple vodka and coke for £1.80? That’ll be Leo’s. Want to try supping your pint whilst starring at the floor because if you look up you’re guaranteed to get punched? It’s The Hyrdo.

But it wasn’t even one of the three corners of Redcar’s legendary ‘Triangle of Death’ that attracted Emerson. He preferred the unique ambiance of Klub Kudos, a sparkling gem of night spot that insisted on the best of everything except for music, hygiene, and effectively checking people’s date of birth at the door.

Emerson loved Kudos so much he had his own special room there, and what went on inside is a matter between him and the members of Operation Yewtree.

That no action was taken at the time is probably down to the long standing incompetence of Cleveland Police and the fact that if you score against Sunderland in back-to-back seasons people on Teesside will forgive most things.

Juninho on the other hand settled for a few drinks at Guisborough Quoit Club (sadly, now a shadow of its former self) and went on to win the World Cup. A salutary lesson perhaps for any budding young footballers.

The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through

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FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered

Tour De France Champagne Chris Froome
Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory

DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.

Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.

Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.

A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.

Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.

Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.

In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.

In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.

Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vym3HNLDkIc]

Kenna table

Kenna table week 36 - 13May14
Kenna table week 36 – 13May14

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 55 6
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 47 3
3 FC Testiculadew James N 37 3
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 36 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 36 0
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 31 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 31 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 31 0
11 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 1
14 Young Boys Denney 28 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 24 0
17 KS West Green Stix 20 1
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 0
19 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 10 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF
Club Dynamo Charlton
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2014 Emerson World Cup announced

Silky: Emerson appeared for 14 professional football clubs in an 18-year career

LONDON’S best pub-based fantasy football World Cup competition will be named after former Middlesbrough Brazilian flop Emerson, it was announced today.

Best remembered in England for his two-season stint on Teeside in the 1990s, Emerson’s unfulfilled potential, meandering CV, failure to appear for his national side and dodgy haircut were key factors in the Kenna HQ committee’s decision to make him the contest’s figurehead.

For the first time the traditional auction will be held on the opening day of the tournament, Thursday 12 June. The match between Brazil and Croatia will kick off halfway through an auction experts predict will last around five hours.

“The 2014 Emerson World Cup auction will be a continuous, high intensity affair that will test managers’ skills to the very limit,” enthused the chairman.

“Players will be auctioned thick and fast, and among distractions like the opening tournament game on a pub TV in the background and regular round-buying we can expect entrants to find themselves falling foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling,” he said, with a nod to the Horn of Africa manager’s unprecedented resignation during the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.

As with the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup in South Africa before it, the Emerson will limit managers to buying no more than one player of any nationality.

Managers will also be required to set their teams out in a rigid 4-4-2 formation, a proven formula at international level.

The Emerson winner will receive an estimated £150 cash prize, with the two runners up also getting their mitts on some dosh.

In a move away from previous international tournaments, there will be no prize for the best individual player. Instead a radical new system will see the team with the worst disciplinary record winning the Emerson Unfair Play award. It is hoped the award will keep wider interest further into the competition.

In unrelated news, the official partner of the 2014 Emerson World Cup has been confirmed as Soul Glo – a Jheri Curl product: Let Your Soul Shine Through.

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‘Kurwa’ suds

Toucans in the park: Standard procedure for Polish customers of Kenna HQ’s neighbourhood off licence…and now the Piedmonte manager too.

TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.

Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.

During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.

What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.

First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.

It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.

Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.

It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).

Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.

Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.

In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.

Kenna table

Kenna week 35 - 6 May 2014
Kenna week 35 – 6 May 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Dudley 38 2
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 38 1
3 Piedmonte Phil 36 1
4 Pikey Scum Jack 32 2
5 Just put Carles Carles 30 2
6 FC Testiculadew James N 28 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 28 0
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 27 1
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 1
11 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 1
12 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 22 0
13 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 1
14 KS West Green Stix 19 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
16 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 0
17 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 18 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 13 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 11 1
23 Young Boys Denney 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Weimann, A – AVL – STR
Club Unsigned
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