Killing time in West Pomerania

THE Berlin to Poznan train was fully booked.

Rather than shelling out for first class the next morning, the Kenna League chairman opted for a more roundabout route through Szczecin (or Stettin if you’re Teuton) and a maiden voyage into the region of West Pomerania.

The journey included onward travel so of course, the big question was: how do you kill 90 minutes in West Pomerania?

One of the nearest pubs to the Szczecin station was Irish.

It was the Friday before Christmas. Unlike Godless Brits, Poles view advent as a time of reflection rather than Prosecco and photocopied private parts. It was late afternoon and the majority of West Pomeranians were soberly going about their business.

The street was called Kaszubska, named after a region in Pomerania to the east. A few steps descent into the Irish Pub Dublin, the chairman walked into decor straight from the Guinness catalogue.

Dark wood, low lighting and mirrors with stout brands. The barman wasn’t Irish, a surprise to result in a clumsy exchange which left the barman quite certain the customer was English.

This may account for what happened next.

Settling down at a table with his pint of Pomeranian-brewed Kasztelan, the chairman all of a sudden heard the music stop. What would they put on the welcome the leader of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league?

‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ sang a rabble to the five punters in the pub. Then a beat, then lots of men effing and jeffing about West Ham. Oh dear, it was a Hammers CD.

The chairman sipped his Pomeranian beer, wondered what the reaction should be in West Pomerania and decided to do nothing.

Halfway through the second Hammers song the bar gave up and put Christmas music back on.

The chairman finished his pint, put on his hat and coat, and left the pub wondering if he’d been mistaken for a Green Street casual.

Krakow Cup – group stage round two

Krakow Cup round 2 - 19 December 2017
Krakow Cup round 2 – 19 December 2017

Kenna League table week 16

Kenna table week 16 - 19 December 2017
Kenna table week 16 – 19 December 2017
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Puncheon above his Bony Kante

THE Christmas party at Kenna League club Puncheon the Bony Kante has been cancelled due to a culture of dressing room violence, it has emerged.

The side’s poor form and the manager’s strange choice of team name has led to macabre bust ups between players after matches.

A source at the club said: ‘Early in the season the manager walked into the dressing room to find Ashley Williams holding Mamadou Sakho in a headlock while Danilo hit him in the head shouting “I’m Puncheon the Bony Sakho Shit”.’

The manager had to intervene but the incident has led to players ganging up on each other to come up with the best word play on the team’s name, claimed the source.

Shortly after the initial incident, a young Nigerian playmaker needed hospital treatment when someone coined ‘Puncheon Iwobi Kante’.

Then young English striker Lingard suffered a black eye when a teammate cracked ‘Puncheon the Jesse Kante’.

During the Rainbow Laces LGBT awareness weekend in November, striker Andre Gray found himself the unfortunate victim of ‘Fisting the Bony Kante’.

The striker was attacked again alongside midfielder Demarai Gray as teammates quipped ‘Puncheon two shades of Gray out the Kante’.

The situation came to a head last weekend when goalkeeper Caballero received life-changing injuries after his Gatorade was spiked with Viagra to tee up the punchline ‘Puncheon the Bony Willy’.

Languishing third from bottom in the league and losing the opening group game of the Krakow Cup, the pressure is on the mysterious debutant manager.

He’s responded by pulling the plug on the fairy lights and is rumoured to be taking advice on the issue from the England Cricket Board.

Krakow Cup group stage – results and standings

Kenna cup results - 12 December 2017
Kenna cup results – 12 December 2017

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 15 - 12 December 2017
Kenna table week 15 – 12 December 2017
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Disappointing turn out for Krakow Cup draw

FIFA blazers are being blamed for the low turn out at the Kenna’s Cup draw in London, because they held the World Cup draw in Russia six days later.

Just three people, including the Kenna League chairman and former Bramble player Eric Djemba-Djemba, attended the Krakow Cup draw two weeks ago in the Pressure Drop brewery in Tottenham.

“We invited the cream of world football society – Maradona, Gordon Banks, Fabio Cannavaro and the like, the media and Zurich blazers but they turned us all down to get to the fleshpots of Moscow a week early,” said a downcast Kenna chairman to no journalists outside the brewery on the Lockwood Industrial Park.

Sources at Kenna HQ say in the end the chairman got desperate and called former Bramble players to drum up some numbers.

Christophe Berra had a crucial home game for Hearts against Hamilton Academical, Adam Johnson was otherwise detained and Eric Djemba-Djemba only showed up to demand £20k in cash to pay off some loan sharks,” said the Kenna deep throat.

Nevertheless, the Krakow Cup draw went ahead with holders AJFC drawn into six-team group C. The first fixtures take place this weekend.

In the league, Pikey Scum retain a slender 22-point lead over a surging Two Goals One Cup.

Tuesday 12 December
Tuesday 19 December
Tuesday 2 January
Tuesday 9 January
Tuesday 16 January
Group A
Bala Rinas
Dynamo Charlton
Cowley Casuals
No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta
Group B
Wandsworth NS
So Good Twice
Pikey Scum
Burquini Pool Party
Young Boys
Group C
Piss Poor
Puncheon the Bony Kante
Lokomotiv Leeds
Two Goals One Cup
Don’t Know Yet
Group D
Sporting Lesbian
The Brambler

Kenna League table – week 14

Kenna table week 14 - 6 December 2017
Kenna table week 14 – 6 December 2017

Kenna League table – week 13

Week 13 - 28 November 2017
Week 13 – 28 November 2017
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