Kenna League rocked by historic alcohol abuse scandal

FANTASY football has been hit by shocking allegations of historic alcohol abuse going back over a decade.

Alcoholic drinks have begun to come forward to tell of their mistreatment at the hands of ‘diabolically drunk and out of control’ Kenna League managers. Victims could run into their thousands.

Throwing off the legal mantle of anonymity, one pint of lager told the media nothing was done to address irresponsible drinking, and in some cases it was actually promoted by ‘senior figures at Kenna HQ’.

“I remember being in the Old Bank of England one night in August 2005,” recalled the pint on daytime television.

“It was Wednesday when usual punters were genteel and enjoyed their drinks at a reasonable pace. We were completely unprepared for what would happen next.”

The pint said eight men entered the bar and crowded around a table to begin ‘drinking at a rather alarming pace’.

“There was ribald laughter and strange references to someone called Tomas Repka,” said the pint. “They were literally tearing through us without a second thought for our flavour or centuries-old Belgian brewing tradition.

“All they cared about was who would sign Frank Lampard. Dozens of us were left feeling used and empty afterwards.”

Emboldened by their actions, which remained unchallenged by witnesses, Kenna managers continued to abuse a multitude of alcoholic drinks with abandon over the next 10 years.

The harrowing experience of a pint of cider at a transfer window night in October 2012 shows just how unchecked the wild behaviour went.

“Oi remember being in the upstairs bar of a south London pub when one of the managers – a loud, braying, unpleasant man who looked like the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik – shoved a large coin inside me.”

The cider told how all of a sudden another manager – ‘a Kenna committee member’ – tossed the drink back in one.

“No one spoke up about it. There was a culture of silence. It was like a Taboo. Or an Archer’s or a Barcadi Breezer. It wasn’t something people would ever consider talking about. You just had to ‘man up’ and get on with it.”

Fast forward to this summer, and tales of abuse were now intertwined with something far more sinister – trafficking.

A Czech bottle of absinthe who claims to have been abused at the auction this August said: “They make abduction me Prague, input me dark suitcase for long time.

“I very confused and disorientate. They take me dark cellar in London and leave me months.

“Then one day they take me pub. All people drunk but not yet 3pm.”

Continuing in recklessly inappropriate broken English, the absinthe told how it was poured into shot glasses and downed by managers with ‘Godless’ faces who showed no interest in its distilling process or its botanicals.

“No sugar. No spoons. They just tip down me like water. I simple feel shame.”

Confronted with allegations of historic abuse outside Kenna HQ this morning, the league chairman stonewalled the scandal.

“I’ve been at every single auction and transfer window since the Kenna was founded and I have never seen anyone so much as touch a drop of alcohol. We’re a responsible fantasy football league.

“We’ve always organised league activity in public places for the convenience of managers. If they were pubs I’m the last to know about it. I think some of the venues had bars, I really can’t recall.” said the man in charge of the self-proclaimed ‘world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’.

“I can tell you now these allegations being reported are categorically untrue. There’s no way the Kenna League would encourage such abominable activity as punishment shots for breaking auction rules, all-day drinking sessions, all-night drinking sessions, pub crawls or champagne binges during a heatwave.

“Of course, we will be commissioning an independent inquiry to find out where these stories are coming from. That is if this intense media scrutiny doesn’t blow over in a few days.”

Eric Bristow was unavailable for comment.

Kenna table week 13

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 13 - 29 November 2016
Kenna table week 13 – 29 November 2016

Narcozep group stage – after three rounds

Narcozep Cup - 29 November 2016
Narcozep Cup – 29 November 2016





Share Button

Kenna’s first ever cash-plus-player deal

MANUEL Lanzini and Stewart Downing became the first footballers in Kenna League history to be part of a cash-plus-player deal, it has emerged.

Two managerial debutants unwittingly made the transaction at last month’s transfer window to set a new precedent, which has left one of them is left with egg on his face.

Attending his maiden transfer night the Two Goals One Cup manager rung the changes releasing five players including the 1.5-points-per-week Lanzini.

The So Good They Named Him Twice manager couldn’t make the window so released the 2.75-points-per-week Stewart Downing and bid via broadcasting app Periscope.

While So Good signed Lanzini for £8m, Two Goals picked up Downing for twelve.

They have effectively conducted the league’s first cash-plus-player deal – Lanzini plus £4m for Downing.

Since then ‘makeweight’ Lanzini has pulled up his socks to score at 2.7-points-per-week.

Downing has slowed considerably to an average of 1.9.

“Well, well. This is troubling,” said the Two Goals One Cup manager this morning outside the club’s Rimmer’s Way stadium.

Downing: his sorrows

For Kenna veterans, it was little surprise to see Stewart Downing become the first player take part in such an arrangement.

Managers under pressure or looking for quick wins at transfer windows regularly use Downing as a scapegoat.

In just over five years, the winger has been signed on 10 separate occasions by Kenna managers.

That includes a term when he was unavailable in the second tier, and another when his August employer naffed off around the world for a few months without bothering to conduct any transfer business for the rest of season.

It’s also not the first record Downing’s set. In the 2013/14 season he is believed to have become the first player to appear for three different clubs.

Narcozep Cup group stage – after two rounds

Narcozep Cup standings - 22 November 2016
Narcozep Cup standings – 22 November 2016


Kenna table – week 12

Full scores and tables can be downloaded from The Rub.

Kenna table week 12 - 22 November 2016
Kenna table week 12 – 22 November 2016
Share Button


PROTESTS have erupted all over London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league after growing discontent with its leadership boiled over.

Under the hashtag #NotMyChairman and burning blazers in a mark of dissent, managers in the Kenna League are trying to oust the chairman, claiming the need to ‘Make The Kenna Great Again’.

“He’s out of touch. It used to be you got a weekly update which was witty and relevant. Now it’s just whatever chaff comes into his head too long after the event,” said the Lokomotiv Leeds manager at a demonstration outside the club’s Bellend Road stadium.

“There’s been no news on group fixtures for the Narcozep Cup. I’m 17th in the league and I still have convicted paedophile Adam Johnson in my midfield. I need a decent cup run,” said the Piss Poor manager from the rolled down passenger window of a Range Rover parked behind a Chinese restaurant.

“He hasn’t even updated the teams after the October transfer window. If Duncan Watmore or Sofiane Boufal gets an assist I’m looking at the Kenna site, I haven’t got a clue who’s signed them. I’m in a mid-table dogfight, for crying out loud,” chanted the Burqini Pool Party manager before assuring Dubai police his protest was nothing to do with UAE authorities.

“Last week the chairman posted a report about looking for dick in the Polish forest. That really isn’t my kind of thing. I’m a classy guy,” said the manager of Two Goals One Cup.

Factions in the Kenna HQ boardroom were quick to use the unrest to intensify an ongoing power struggle for the top job.

“The chairman has been in charge for too long,” said the Young Boys manager, who is also league vice-chairman.

“Times were any murmurs from managers were quickly put down by a wet team from the league’s fearsome manager experiences department. But these days the chairman is losing his grip.

“The Kenna HQ Fritzl Suite once struck terror into the hearts of any manager. Now the chairman’s using it to make homemade quince vodka.

“Quince! I ask you! The time to strike is now!”

Kenna table week 11

For more detailed scores visit The Rub.

Kenna table week 11 - 8 November 2016
Kenna table week 11 – 8 November 2016
Share Button

The ‘dzik’ of it

ASTERIX is to blame for my fascination with hunting wild boar.

But with neither the resources nor connections, converting the Gaul’s exploits remained a daydream since childhood. Until I married a Pole.

It turns out my wife’s cousins in northern Poland are big hunters, so while visiting on the weekend I was invited along as an observer in their search for wild boar, or ‘dzik’ (pronounced ‘jeek’ in English).

Joining the party at 7am, the guns and beaters lined up to go through formalities, draw cards from a hat to decide where they would stand for each drive and be serenaded by a hunting horn.

The first couple of drives were dry, but the weather was bright and the lack of prey was small concern to anyone being fed shots of Jagermeister in the back of an Opel Frontera.

Then on the last drive before lunch standing on a track with cousin we heard a rustling ahead in the brush. All of a sudden five ‘dzik’ scurried into view 30 yards to our right. Dark, wet, hairy and not quite fast enough.

A quarter of an hour and much excitement later the whole party was standing around a wild boar being gutted. A fir branch placed in its mouth. Its blood ritually smeared on cousin’s forehead.

After an appropriate repast of ‘dzik’ and cabbage stew the second half of the day was more lively. Cries of ‘dzik! dzik!’ from beaters far off in the undergrowth. More scurrying swine. A short ceremony to celebrate the day’s victories.

Then the real drinking started.

Anyone who has played a drinking game called Centurions will be familiar with the format of a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. It felt like we were playing that with vodka.

Having polished off two bottles between six people we went to drop off the day’s haul in the town cold room.

The time it took to hang the meat was ample to see off another bottle.

Things get hazy after that.

Kenna table week 10

Kenna table week 10 - 1 November 2016
Kenna table week 10 – 1 November 2016
Share Button