Free to a good home

Two potential future Kenna chairmen. Hardly witnessed any substance abuse and content to watch Polish satellite television Premier League multi room for limited periods before demanding badly-written, dog-themed American animation show. Promising careers beckon but feud over Kenna top job ascendancy possible. Would love to keep them but seriously hinder administration of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

February, March, April season highlights

  • Molesey Massive have clung onto lead at the top of the table, despite surge from Walthamstow Reds which sees the sides within a point of each other at the end of April
  • Top six positions remained unchanged for three months until Barry Town edged ahead of Thame Network Solutions last week
  • Thieving Magpies have twice climbed out of the relegation zone before twice sliding back in
  • Clotted Cream First reach third Covid Cup final in four seasons. Cream beat two times cup winner the Chairman in the semi final
  • Cream face Pikey Scum in the final next weekend. Whoever wins will be the first manager in the history of the Kenna to win three cups

Kenna week 30

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna week 26 – 26 April 2022

Kenna week 29

Kenna week 29 – 19 April 2022

Covid Cup semi final second leg

Chairman 21 (56) – 41 (82) Clotted Cream First
Reds 31 (52) – 22 (57) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 28

Kenna week 28 – 12 April 2022

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Chairman 35 – 41 Clotted Cream First
Reds 21 – 35 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 27

Kenna week 27 – 5 April 2022

Covid Cup quarter final second leg

Chairman 23 (67) – 23 (52) Dynamo Charlton
Clotted Cream First 28 (69) – 30 (65) Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 29 (54) – 28 (71) Reds
Barry Town 16 (52) – 32 (61) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 26

Kenna week 26 - 22 March 2022
Kenna week 26 – 22 March 2022

Covid Cup quarter final first leg

Chairman 44 – 29 Dynamo Charlton
Clotted Cream First 41 – 35 Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 25 – 43 Reds
Barry Town 36 – 29 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 25

Kenna week 25 - 15 March 2022
Kenna week 25 – 15 March 2022

Covid Cup last 16 second leg

Chairman 59 (86) – 16 (44) Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton 38 (61) – 27 (36) Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor 34 (80) – 48 (87) Clotted Cream First
TNS 45 (84) – 37 (92) Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 50 (90) – 29 (41) Daggers
Cowley Casuals 46 (105) – 53 (110) Reds
Barry Town 42 (70) – 7 (17) Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv 31 (62) – 39 (63) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 24

Kenna week 24 - 9 March 2022
Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2022

Covid Cup last 16 first leg

Chairman 27 – 28 Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton 23 – 9 Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor 46 – 39 Clotted Cream First
TNS 39 – 55 Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 40 – 12 Daggers
Cowley Casuals 59 – 57 Reds
Barry Town 28 – 10 Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv 31 – 24 Pikey Scum

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Chairman’s keynote address to the 17th Kenna transfer window

The Colton Arms, West Kensington, Saturday 5 February 2022, 1pm

Welcome to the Kenna transfer window, the first in-person transfer
window for two years.

And what a couple of years it’s been. Looking around at the faces gathered here today I can see lockdown, the anxiety, the stress, it’s really taken its toll.

I look in the eyes of managers and I can see they’re emptier than Anfield when Liverpool won their first Premier League. Emptier even than 10 March 2001 in Woking Pizza Express.

But salvation is here. The Kenna transfer window is upon us and your wellbeing is restored. At least until you start signing players.

Over the last two years the world has changed in many ways, but one phenomenon of particular note is the traditional elites becoming more accountable for their personal conduct.

No longer does enormous wealth, fame, or political power insulate your ethical failings.

The prime minister can’t have a drink at work.

Novak Djokovic can’t get into Australia.

Harvey Weinstein can’t get laid.

Prince Andrew can’t not sweat all over a teenage girl, even a teenage
who’s procuring more teenage girls for him not to sweat over.

Idris Elba can’t even get into this pub.

So amongst all this moral consternation you had every right to arrive today concerned.

Concerned that with many traditional power structures being uprooted the Kenna executive may not be beyond reproach.

As your chairman I’m her to tell you those concerns are completely unfounded. The Kenna League is here to stay.

The admin errors, the vague rules around the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, the vice chairman not pulling his weight. Everything you know about the Kenna remains untouched.

But I bring a stark warning. Now I’m not the kind of autocratic, fear mongering leader who would create an enemy out of thin air to further legitimise my own iron grip on the regime, but the Kenna has emerged from the pandemic with a new enemy: Autofillism.

Too many managers are leaving the fortunes of their team to the autofill. Too many managers are not coming to the pub. Too many managers are not buying a round.

Let’s take one of the biggest proponents of autofillism, the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

He hasn’t turned up to a Kenna event for so long I was beginning to take it personally.

But then I checked his social media accounts. I saw the classic car rallies in Italy, the auctions in Pebble Beach, the hobnobbing in the south of France, and I realised Breivik is just as absent a father as he is a Kenna manager.

And there you have it: the worst insult that could possibly levelled at anyone in the league, and Breivik isn’t even here to respond.

Because it turns out he’s just as absent a Kenna manager as he is a father.

Nevertheless, to counter the rising threat of autofillism next season rules will be introduced to punish those absent and reward those present.

The rules are likely to involve buyout clauses at the February transfer window for autofilled players. The rules are likely to be draconian. The rules are likely to be ill-conceived and easily misunderstood.

But that’s the Kenna. That’s why you keep coming back. Most of you certainly don’t come to win anything.

Let the transfer window begin.

Covid Cup quarter final first leg fixtures this weekend

Chairman v Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton v Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor v Clotted Cream First
TNS v Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive v Daggers
Cowley Casuals v Reds
Barry Town v Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv v Pikey Scum

Kenna League week 23

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 23 – 22 February 2022

Kenna League week 22

Kenna week 22 – 15 February 2022
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SUE Gray has completely exonerated the chairman of any wrongdoing in her report filed this week.

The inquiry found the vice chairman guilty of touching several children in his club’s academy, and Sue Gray has reported him to the police.

The vice chairman’s side was ditched out of the Covid Cup this week ahead of the knockout round, along with Judean Peoples’ Front, Thieving Magpies, and Test Team (please ignore).

“When I arrive at the transfer window on Saturday the chairman’s going to get both barrels,” fumed the vice chairman while loading his colonial cosplay elephant gun.

Even though the window promises to be a special event, with many league members not having seen each other in person for at least two years, the managers of Reds and Casuals maintain they’ll be drinking nothing stronger than coffee on the 10.34 from Oxford.

Transfer window schedule this Saturday

11.37am – Idris Elba tries to get into the Colton Arms but is turned away

12pm – managers gather in the Colton Arms

12.45pm – window opens

6pm – window closes

Free agents scoring at least three points a week this season

Rudiger – 101
Ramsdale – 99
Kilman – 91
Emmanuel Dennis – 86
Fornals – 85
Saiss – 82
Norgaard – 79
Smith Rowe – 79
Mbuemo – 78
Regulion – 75
Edouard – 75
Rice – 75
Canos – 71
Odegaard – 71
Josh King – 69
Kovacic – 69
Gundogan – 68
Townsend – 67
Hojbjerg – 67
Tomiyasu – 66
Krul – 65
Buendia – 63
McTominay – 63
Mac Allister – 63
Moder – 62
Janelt – 61
Jacob Ramsey – 61

Released players and war chests

Managers may release one additional wildcard player at any time during the window

ManagerReleasedBramble tiedWar chestGaps
Bala RinasCedric, Hendo, Thiago, Savile70.5DF, MFx2, ST
FadgesBertrand, Holgate, Taylor, Ndombele, Jensen70DFx3, MFx2
Test TeamAurier, Cahill, Bailey, GreenwoodDigne/Bailey57.5DFx2, MF, ST
Lokomotiv LeedsPVA, Holding, Havertz, Rodri, Martial51.5DFx2, MFx2, ST
PirateBen Davies, Ryan Fraser42DF, MF
Piss PoorPereira, Traore B, Maitland-Niles39DF, MFx2
Vice chairmanAreola, Mendy, Zouma, J Rod, Burn, Gil, Barnes36GK, DFx3, MFx2, ST
DaggersFred, Doucoure, Nketiah36MFx2, ST
Pikey ScumLo Celso35.5MF
Cowley CasualsLeno, Fofana, Doherty26.5GK, DFx2
Barry TownBoly, Bellerin, Young, Eze, Joelinton26DFx3, MF, ST
CreamF Torres, A Traore25.5ST, MF
Reverse CowboysAbraham25ST
Dynamo CharltonWan-Bissaka, Wilson C23.5DF, ST
Molseley MassiveShaw, Targett, Pulisic, Ayoze14.5DFx2, MFx2
Dark LordAuba, Chilwell14DF, ST
RedsGodfrey, Pepe, Benteke14DF, MF, ST

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 25 January 2022
Kenna week 20 – 25 January 2022

Kenna League week 19

Kenna week 19 - 18 January 2022
Kenna week 19 – 18 January 2022

Covid Cup group stage final standings

Covid Cup - 25 January 2022
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Bala Rinas win league, Fadges win cup

TWO Kenna managers began their trophy collections on the weekend after a combined 21 seasons of trying.

Bala Rinas confirmed their league title having comfortably topped the table for 29 weeks, picking up the October, December, and March manager of the month awards on the way.

The Kenna treasurer’s big money auction signing Sir Marcus (£29m) was among the season’s top ten performers, and will be drinking for free in the pubs of Bala now local parents have a bit more money in their pockets.

Pikey Scum, the 2018 champions, put in a spirited performance but have been in no danger of catching Bala for weeks finishing second.

The Norris Bros make up the rest of the top four. With three relegations and a highest previous finish of ninth in eight seasons, Piss Poor excelled themselves to come third.

Coming into the season trophy-less since his league, cup, and Emerson World Cup treble in 2014, the tale of the fallen (Death) Star continues for the Dark Lord, who just lost out on the Covid Cup to Hairy Fadjeetas.

Fadges toiled in the league finishing in 14th, but the luck of the knockout cup draw saw them face the only two teams lower placed than them in the league – in the quarter finals (Lokomotiv Leeds, 16th) and semi finals (Craft Beer Wankers, 17th) – before a first proper test in the final.

‘I’m cock-a-hoop, but I’m never buying Donny van der Beek again,’ said the Fadges boss.

The top six places in the league were occupied by managers ‘on the phones’, who dialled into the September auction remotely.

The rule of six managers in ‘the garden’ finished in 7th, 9th, 10th, 12th, 13th, and 15th, boasting one manager of the month award between them.

‘Midtable,’ tweeted Opta Joe.

Attentions now turn to next Saturday’s Euros Super League auction, or at least the attentions of five managers, who are the only ones to confirm attendance.

Covid Cup final result

Hairy Fadjeetas 50 – 46 The Dark Lord

Kenna week 34

Kenna League week 34 – 24 May 2021 – Final standings and MOTMs

Prize money

Bala Rinas – £180 (Champions: £150, MOTMx3: £30)

Hairy Fadjeetas – £75 (Cup winner)

Pikey Scum – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTMx2: £20)

Piss Poor – £35 (Third: £25, MOTM: £10)

FC Testiculadew – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTM: £10)

Test Team (Please Ignore) – £10 (MOTM)

Thieving Magpies – £10 (MOTM)

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Police hunt for Bala double hopes in Dark place

Excavation work is to begin at a cafe where police have been searching for the Bala Rinas’ double hopes.

The league treasurer‘s chance of winning the Kenna title and cup went missing last week and police have been searching the cellar of the the Dark Lord‘s premises.

Officers were called to FC Testicualdew on 7 May following suggestions a cup run may have been buried there.

There is enough evidence for excavation work to take place, police said.

Bala Rinas had hoped to win a maiden league and cup after 11 seasons in the Kenna League, but will have to settle for the title with an unassailable 98-point lead.

FC Testiculadew face long-time rivals Hairy Fadjeetas in this weekend’s Covid Cup final.

The Fadges manager has had a lacklustre season in the league but is hoping for his first piece of Kenna silverware.

The pinstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are massively favouring the Dark Lord, who despite not winning a trophy for seven years has two doubles to his name.

Covid Cup semi final results (from last week)

Bala Rinas 28 (54) – 31 (61) FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 26 (43) – 27 (35) Craft Beer Wankers

Final this weekend: Dark Lord v Fadges

Kenna week 32

Kenna week 32 – 11 May 2021

Kenna week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 33 – 18 May 2021
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Dark Lord threatens Bala double

BALA Rinas inexorably march on to a maiden Kenna title, but the Dark Lord threatens their double hopes.

FC Testiculadew come out of the Covid Cup semi final first leg with a four-point advantage over the league treasurer‘s eleven.

Deciphering how the Dark Lord’s team is playing so well proves difficult. Anthony Martial hasn’t made an appearance for five weeks and is set to miss at least another two.

Clean sheets from Eric Dier and Gabriel headline a workmanlike week from the FC Testiculadew side.

Bala put in a similar performance, in the Kenna equivalent of a no score draw. The only individuals of note Hugo Lloris and Joao Cancelo with seven points apiece.

Nevertheless, the treasurer will be very pleased with the 100-point cushion between him and 2018 champions Pikey Scum in the league.

He will also be delighted at having picked up Cancelo for £0.5m in the September auction, a terrific piece of pot-luck business every title-winning Kenna manager will appreciate.

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 30 FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 17 – 8 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 31 - 5 May 2021
Kenna week 31 – 5 May 2021
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‘Bramble Six’ breakaway league collapses

Bramble Super League proposals withdrawn after huge global backlash.

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THE football world exploded on Sunday evening when six clubs in the Kenna League announced they were forming a breakaway Bramble Super League.

The so-called ‘Bramble Six’ tried to create a midweek competition where tactical Brambling is acceptable, but unbridled global outrage forced them to shelve the plan.

The splinter group were led by the manager of FC Testiculadew, known in the Kenna as ‘the Tactical Brambler’ for his shocking exploitation of the auction forfeit process in 2012.

Upon announcing the BS League, the Tactical Brambler told media ‘legacy managers’ were holding back football with their traditional views of fair play.

Known habitual ‘Bramblers’ at Kenna auctions are among the other breakaway managers. They include:

Reaction to the BS League announcement was unequivocal.

UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin said: ‘Gentelmen [sic], you made a huge mistake. There is time to change your mind.’

FIFA president Gianni Infantino said: ‘There is a lot to throw away for maybe a short-term financial gain for some. Either you are in or you are out.’

Alan Shearer said: ‘This league is plain simple and wrong [because it doesn’t include Newcastle].’

The Kenna chairman claimed the Bramble Six plans were simply a red herring, devised by the Tactical Brambler to gain concessions and be made guest organiser of of the Euro 2021 auction.

‘You think these people care about the fans? You think they care what you, or the media says about them?’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.

‘They’ve all come out and apologised now, but they never wanted to create the BS League from the start. They want more power over the structures already in place, and they’re trying to flex their muscles to get it.’

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 27 (53) – 19 (31) Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 15 (37) – 27 (51) The Dark Lord
Fadges 8 (27) – 17 (21) Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 13 (36) – 27 (49) Craft Beer Wankers

Semi final fixtures (4 May first leg, 11 May second leg)

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 29

Kenna week 29 - 20 April 2021
Kenna week 29 – 20 April 2021
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Cock block

THE Suez Canal was blocked for several days by a draft Kenna update about rumours of James Rodriguez’s gender reassignment.

So inappropriate it could be seen from space, the post attempted to make ironic observations about society’s attitudes to diversity, but only led to huge delays in maritime shipping.

‘It was obvious there was nothing in the Rodriguez rumours and they were ripe for the kind of biting satire for which the Kenna has come to be known,’ began the chairman brightly.

‘We started a list of potential headlines, but at some point we wrote down ‘J Rod-less’ and we began to suspect our insightful metaphor could be taken out of context.

‘We’re football administrators but we’re not completely out-of-touch blazers. We know a fantasy league won twice in the past by a side called Sporting Lesbian is not in the best place to make wry comment on gender and sexual orientation,’ he said, as two men with an excavator made a futile attempt to dig the chairman out of the hole he’d created.

Pressure from international shipping concerns eventually led to the Kenna abandoning the draft post.

Maritime routes reopened and the Craft Beer Wankers manager returned from his snap visit to the Red Sea.

Kenna HQ is now left with nothing to include in the latest league and cup updates.

‘There’s not much happening at in the world at the moment,’ said the chairman.

‘After all it’s not like the Pikey Scum manager’s brother in law has been arrested for grand theft auto and possession, or Frank Lampard’s sex tape has been published online.’

Covid Cup – group stage results

Covid Cup - 19 March 2021
Covid Cup – 19 March 2021

Kenna League week 27

Kenna week 27 – 6 April 2021

Kenna League week 26

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26 - 23 March 2021
Kenna week 26 – 23 March 2021

Kenna League week 25

Kenna League week 25 - 19 March 2021
Kenna League week 25 – 19 March 2021
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Remains found in search for missing Kenna title defence

DYNAMO Charlton have given up hope of winning a second consecutive Kenna League title after police found remains in a Kent woodland.

Police chief Desdemona Johnson said it will take time for formal identification and added this was “every Kenna manager’s worst nightmare.”

The Dynamo manager reported his championship defence as missing last week, but many claim it was gone the moment he signed Sebastian Haller at the pre-season auction in September last year.

Dynamo dropped to 10th place in the league this week, but there is a glimmer of silverware as they sit second in the Covid Cup group A with a game to play.

However, their final group-stage tie is against Bala Rinas who presently sit 200 points above Dynamo at the top of the Kenna League table.

A man with a ginger beard has been arrested.

Covid Cup

Top two teams qualify

Covid Cup - 9 March 2021
Covid Cup – 9 March 2021

Kenna League week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2021
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Sean Dyche’s Kenna lookalikes

KENNA League managers have all been assigned lookalikes after a gang turned up at Kenna HQ and assaulted the chairman with soggy marine life.

The incident happened following a press conference in which Sean Dyche – although it could have been Mick Hucknall – said any footballing body who does not fully embrace lookalikes should be ‘slapped with a wet fish’.

The Kenna chairman admitted while there were already pockets of managers identified as lookalikes, adopting this as policy across the league was long overdue.

‘We’ve long recognised the Judean Peoples’ Front manager as our very own Anders Breivik, and the vice chairman is regularly reminding everyone I look like Jamie O’Hara, but to date there has been no concerted effort to find lookalikes for every Kenna manager,’ said Jamie O….the chairman.

‘Now every manager, for better or for worse, has a lookalike on their team profile page.

‘We understand some managers may be unhappy with their lookalike choice, and there is a process to challenge it.’

Any manager who wishes to appeal to get their own or another manager’s lookalike changed must present a better alternative to Kenna HQ for consideration.

‘We’re looking forward to hearing the appeals,’ said the chairman.

The Chairman – Jamie O’Hara
The Barry Town manager – Thomas Tuchel
The Walthamstow Reds manager – Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager – Gael Clichy

The Piss Poor manager – Vladimir Putin

TV and radio
The Hairy Fadjeetas manager – Tony Livesey
The Bunch of Kuntz manager – Dale Winton
The Pikey Scum manager – ‘Dave Hedgehog’
The Dynamo Charlton manager – ‘Gareth Keenan’

Children’s characters
The Clotted Cream First manager – Bungle
The Thame Network Solutions manager – Badger
The Thieving Magpies manager – Skeletor
The Treasurer – Bitzer

The Daggers’n’Redbridge manager – ‘Don Logan’
The Test Team (please ignore) manager – Stanley Tucci
The Dark Lord – ‘Hugo Drax’
The Craft Beer Wankers manager – ‘Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse’

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager – Anders Breivik
The Vice Chairman – Vincent Tabak
The Cowley Casuals manager – Stuart Hazell

Covid Cup results and standings

Top two teams qualify.

Covid Cup 2 March 2021
Covid Cup 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 23

Kenna week 23 - 2 March 2021
Kenna week 23 – 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 22 - 24 February 2021
Kenna week 22 – 24 February 2021
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