Walthamstow Reds 2015/16

Dudley profile pic
English food: The Walthamstow Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.4 – 5th
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

Season preview in one sentence (on 31 August): This was a good team last term.

Schmeichel, K (TW1) LEI £0.5m
Targett, M (TW2) SOT £?m
Cresswell, A WHM £5m
Stones, J EVE £6m
Darmian, M MUN £7m
Coutinho, P LIV £23m
Brady, R (TW1) NOR £6m
Townsend, A (TW2) NEW £?m
Ozil, M ARS £17m
Walters, J (TW1) STO £0.5m
Defoe, J (TW2) SUN £?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

Schmeichel, K – Leicester goalkeeper – £0.5m (from Northern Monkeys)
Brady, R – Norwich midfielder – £6m
Montero, J – Swansea midfielder – £0.5m
Walters, J – Stoke striker – £0.5m
Murray, G – Bournemouth striker – £0.5m

Courtois, T – Chelsea goalkeeper – £0.5m (to FC Testiculadew)
Anya, I – Watford midfielder – free
Nasri, S – Manchester City midfielder – free
Bojan – Stoke striker – £2m (to FC Testiculadew)
Austin, C – QPR striker – free

Remaining budget: £13.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

Targett, M – Southampton defender – £?m
Townsend, A – Newcastle midfielder – £?m
Defoe, J – Sunderland striker – £?m

Vertonghen, J – Tottenham defender – free
Montero, J – Swansea midfielder – free
Murray, G – Bournemouth striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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Dynamo Charlton 2015/16

Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name@alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.627 – 19th
2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts musicThe Gladiators TV theme

Season preview in one sentence (on 30 August): Strong start to the league season from the cup specialist, who yet again prepares for the October transfer window with the largest war chest.

Foster, B (TW2) WBA £?m
Fonte, J SOT £7m
Kolarov, A MCY £0.5m
Bellerin, H ARS £5m
Muniesa, M STO £0.5m
Shelvey, J SWA £0.5m
Ritchie, M BOU £1m
Zaha, W CRY £2m
Albrighton, M LEI £0.5m
Benteke, C LIV £37m
Martial, A (TW1) MUN £41m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

Martial, A – Manchester United striker – £41m

Defoe, J – Sunderland striker – free

Remaining budget: £10.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

Foster, B – West Brom goalkeeper – £?m

Krul, T – Newcastle goalkeeper – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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Thieving Magpies 2015/16

Phil profile pic
England till he dies: Thieving Magpies manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.519 – 11th
2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts musicThe Great Escape – the England Band

Season preview in one sentence (on 29 August): Is this enough to finally break his duck?

Hart, J MCY £ 10m
Lescott, J (TW2) AVL £ ?m
Johnson, G STO £ 7m
Clyne, N LIV £ 12m
Fuchs, C (TW2) LEI £ ?m
Bolasie, Y CRY £ 8m
Ox-Chamberlain, A ARS £ 10m
Noble, M (TW1) WHU £ 10m
Eriksen, C TOT £ 17m
Afobe, B (TW2) BOU £ ?m
Kone, A (TW1) EVE £ 0.5m
£ ?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

Naughton, K – Swansea defender – £0.5m
Noble, M – West Ham midfielder – £10m
Kone, A – Everton striker – £0.5m

Baines, L – Everton defender – free
Fellaini, M – Manchester United midfielder – free
Wilson, C – Bournemouth striker – free

Remaining budget: £10.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

Lescott, J – Aston Villa defender – £?m
Fuchs, C – Leicester defender – £?m
Afobe, B – Bournemouth striker – £?m

Naughton, K – Swansea defender – free
Amavi, J – Aston Villa defender – free
Falcao, R – Chelsea striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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Cowley Casuals 2015/16

Stu manager pic
Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2014/15

Kenna Index rating: N/A (managers must compete for three seasons to get a rating)
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 2nd

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

Season preview in one sentence (on 27 August): Last year’s league runner up and cup winner looks to have auctioned well, with four wing backs, a strong midfield and an in-touch Cech, but despite a strike-force from the region formerly known as the ‘Dark Continent’, the side looks light up top.

Cech, P ARS £ 0.5m
Terry, J (TW1) CHE £ 0.5m
Jenkinson, C WHM £ 4m
Davies, B TOT £ 0.5m
Rojo, M (TW1) MUN £ 4m
Henderson, J LIV £ 17m
Shaqiri, X (TW1) STO £ 14m
Mane, S SOT £ 17m
Redmond, N NOR £ 0.5m
Rondon, S (TW1) WBA £ 18m
Gestede, R AVL £ 0.5m
£ 76.5m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

Terry, J – Chelsea defender – £0.5m (from Young Boys)
Rojo, M – Manchester United defender – £4m (from Hairy Fadjeetas)
Shaqiri, X – Stoke midfielder – £14m
Rondon, S – West Brom striker – £18m

Shaw, L – Manchester United defender – free
Mings, T – Bournemouth defender – free
Deulofeu, G – Everton midfielder – free
Bony, W – Manchester City striker – free

Remaining budget: £7m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £7m

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Young Boys of Vauxhall 2015/16

Quenelle: The Young Boys manager

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name@andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Kenna Index rating: 0.3 – 4th
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Season preview in one sentence (on 26 August): Pedro, Mahrez, Lukaku and Lens have all started the season in fine fettle, but question marks hang over John Terry and Diafra Sakho for all the wrong reasons.

Forster, F (TW2) SOT  £                ?m
Dawson, C (TW1) WBA  £             8m
Monreal, N ARS  £                0.5m
Wimmer, K (TW2) TOT  £                ?m
Smalling, C MUN  £                6m
Ibe, J (TW2) LIV  £                ?m
Pugh, M (TW2) BOU  £             ?m
Mahrez, R LEI  £                5m
Lens, J SUN  £                0.5m
Lukaku, R EVE  £             30m
Emenike, E (TW2) WHM  £             ?m
     £             ?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

Dawson, C – West Brom defender – £8m

Terry, J – Chelsea defender – £0.5m (to Cowley Casuals)

Remaining budget: £3.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

Forster, F – Southampton goalkeeper – £?m
Wimmer, K – Tottenham defender – £?m
Ibe, J – Liverpool midfielder – £?m
Pugh, M – Bournemouth midfielder – £?m
Emenike, E – West Ham striker – £?m

Stekelenburg, M – Southampton goalkeeper – free
Zabaleta, P – Manchester City defender – free
Grealish, J – Aston Villa midfielder – free
Pedro – Chelsea midfielder – free
Sakho, D – West Ham striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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No way, Pedro!

GLOATING was inevitable.

Having signed Pedro while rumours of his move to England hovered over the auction, the Young Boys manager was thrilled to see the Spanish forward pick up a goal and assist in his first game.

“And Pedro scores…” he tweeted above the din of the chairman cursing his decision to sign Wesley Sneijder a few years ago when everyone had said it was a done deal.

It’s the first time since the Sneijder incident a Kenna manager has seen such instant success buying a player hors d’oeuvre. But second place in the Kenna after three weeks masks concerns at Young Boys.

Many believed that with Pedro on the pitch, defender John Terry got himself sent off in deference to the Titus Bramble ruling. It turns out the former England captain had other motives.

A few minutes after seeing red, Terry appeared in the Young Boys wags section of the stand and asked Pedro’s wife if he could park ‘ [my] open-top bus up [your] King’s Road’.

Eager to extinguish murmurs this was some sort of club initiation for players’ wives, the Young Boys manager held an informal inquiry into the matter, calling forward those connected with the club to give evidence.

The plan backfired when striker Diafra Sakho was found to be intimidating witnesses.

Kenna table – week three

Kenna table - week 3 - 25 August 2015
Kenna table – week 3 – 25 August 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 52 2
2 Young Boys Andrew D 50 2
3 Thieving Magpies Phil 36 3
4 Team Panda George 32 1
5 Newington Reds Ben D 28 1
6 Carles Carles 28 0
7 Headless Chickens John N 26 1
8 KS West Green Stix 25 1
9 Judean People’s Front Sholto 25 1
10 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 0
11 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 0
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 20 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 0
14 Uncertain Pete B 16 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 1
16 FC Tescticuladew James N 14 0
17 ISIL Abdi 10 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 8 0
19 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Wilson, C – BOU – STR
Club Thieving Magpies
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The treasurer gets debriefed

HAVING missed the Kenna League auction the Saturday before, the treasurer was keen to get up to speed on matters. It would be a busy day.

To begin he kept an appointment with his auction second. The treasurer had left detailed instructions with his trusted associate on who to sign and who to avoid. In particular, the treasurer had told his second to ensure only players likely to make plenty of appearances were bought.

They met for coffee.

It is was a painful latte. But leaving the coffee shop and walking in the summer air the treasurer began to feel more optimistic about his side, Bala Rinas. Andre Ayew, Graziano Pelle and Dimitri Payet had all made good starts to the campaign. Perhaps things weren’t so bad after all.

Entering the lobby of Kenna HQ, the treasurer even felt genuine enthusiasm about his chances. Passing the door of the speculations department he saw the chalkstripes inside busy working out the odds on the season’s outcomes. In between lines of hurry up.

He decided to pop in and test his confidence in Bala Rinas. He approached the head chalkstripe.

His biggest rival! Despite consistently acting the buffoon, the Anders Breivik lookalike and manager of Judean Peoples’ Front had auctioned enviously well.

It was only the second week of the campaign, but it was difficult not to get despondent.

The treasurer composed himself. His next meeting was with the chairman. A financial review of the auction. Bean counting, his true speciality. In his control. Fully. An excellent way to take his mind off things.

When he entered the Kenna executive suite, the chairman was in superb spirits. Literally. The executive cocktail cabinet was heavily disturbed.

The treasurer launched into review.

Kenna table – week 2

Kenna table - week 2 - 18 August 2015
Kenna table – week 2 – 18 August 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 36 3
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 1
3 Thieving Magpies Phil 34 0
4 Cowley Casuals Stu 32 1
5 Team Panda George 31 1
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 3
7 Judean People’s Front Sholto 29 1
8 KS West Green Stix 28 2
9 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 26 0
11 Newington Reds Ben D 25 0
12 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
13 Uncertain Pete B 23 0
14 Carles Carles 23 0
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 0
16 ISIL Abdi 18 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 16 1
18 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 13 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 12 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
Club Young Boys


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Judean Peoples’ Front 2015/16

Sholto profile pic
Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Twitter name: @sholtoGH

Since: 2008

Home ground: Wetsuit Way

Training facility: The Island

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.411 – 6th
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Dr Dre – Bang Bang

Season preview in one sentence: Despite the bluster, the Anders Breivik lookalike has assembled a side capable of another podium finish, unless he gets caught short at another transfer window.

Boruc, A (TW2) BOU £ ?m
Azpilicueta, C CHE £ 16.00
Skrtel, M LIV £ 9.00
Shawcross, R STO £ 1.00
Alderweireld, T TOT £ 3.00
Barkley, R EVE £ 10.00
Toure, Y MCY £ 20.00
M’Vila, Y (TW2) SUN £ ?m
Lingard, J (TW2) MUN £ ?m
Valencia, E (TW2) WHM £ ?m
Austin, C (TW2) SOT £ ?m
£ ?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £9.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

Boruc, A – Bournemouth goalkeeper – £?m
M’Vila, Y – Sunderland midfielder – £?m
Lingard, J – Manchester United midfielder – £?m
Valencia, E – West Ham striker – £?m
Austin, C – Southampton striker – £?m

Speroni, J – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – free
Cazorla, S – Arsenal midfielder – free
Herrera, A – Manchester United midfielder – free
Cisse, P – Newcastle striker – free
Rodriguez, J – Southampton striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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The Hoop and Grapes, Farringdon

A KENNA manager embezzled money from classic car sales to bankroll his team, it has emerged.

Five players from the Judean Peoples’ Front team were bought using £11m made from flogging a well-known, carrot top’s collection of Ferraris and Jaguars.

“It’s poppycock to suggest I’ve used the credit from classic car sales to buy Jay Rodriguez (£6m), Papiss Cisse (£0.5m), Ander Herrera (£0.5m), Tony Alderweireld (£3m) and Ryan Shawcross (£1m),” said the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, picking a ginger pube from between his teeth.

The controversy is the only blemish on an otherwise superb fantasy football auction held at the Hoop and Grapes in Farringdon on Saturday.

For nearly six hours, 16 managers battled it out. The auction was augmented by silent bids from a further three absent managers.

The Titus Bramble forfeit ruling was enforced just twice in the afternoon. The absence of the Somali manager of ISIL was largely agreed as the reason why Titus made such few appearances.

Full week one scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table

Kenna week 1 - 11 August 2015
Kenna week 1 – 11 August 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 43 4
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 42 3
3 FC Tescticuladew James N 37 2
4 Team Panda George 36 0
5 Cowley Casuals Stu 34 2
6 KS West Green Stix 33 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 2
8 Young Boys Andrew D 32 2
9 Thieving Magpies Phil 31 0
10 Newington Reds Ben D 27 1
11 Uncertain Pete B 26 0
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 24 1
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 1
14 Headless Chickens John N 22 1
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 17 0
17 ISIL Abdi 17 0
18 Carles Carles 14 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 Albrighton, M – LEI – MID
Club Dynamo Charlton
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Bala Rinas 2015/16

Day release: The Bala Rinas manager

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name@jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.47 – 7th
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts musicC.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Season preview in one sentence: Unable to attend the treasurer sent a second, who despite instructions otherwise took great pleasure in signing David de Gea.

de Gea, D MUN  £                0.50
Dier, E TOT  £                0.50
Pieters, E STO  £                1.00
Mangala, E MCY  £                6.00
Lescott, J WBA  £             12.00
Ramsey, A ARS  £             18.00
Payet, D WHM  £             10.00
McCarthy, J EVE  £                2.00
Ayew, A SWA  £             10.00
Pelle, G SOT  £             15.00
Sturridge, D LIV  £             20.00
     £             95.00

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £15m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £15m

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