Rob Green signed as tour guide

ROB Green has signed for Chelsea to introduce the club’s new foreign signings to English culture.

The 38-year-old goalkeeper isn’t expected to take part in any football matches, just show new players famous London landmarks and introduce them to British cuisine.

Chelsea’s £50.4m signing Jorginho was the first to go on Green’s induction and spoke about his experience.

“Yesterday Rob take me Tower of London. I say to him ‘Rob, what are these men in the red facking uniforms?’

“He tell me they are Beefeaters. You English crazy. How they going catch crooks stealing the crown jewels in that stupid facking outfit.

Green then took Jorginho on a Thames Clipper cruise before the pair went for lunch.

“I tell him ‘Rob, I want to eat the fish and the facking chips, Rob. The fish and the facking chips.’

“He show me saveloy sausage and teach me new phrase ‘oi oi, saveloy’.

“We get the fish and the facking chips in paper and eat sitting on wall in front of tower block, like the real English people. I take one bite and say ‘Rob, this English food it taste like the facking shit.”

Should Chelsea sign Juventus centre-back Daniele Rugani, Green plans to take him to Madame Tussauds before going for pie and mash in Islington.

Kenna League managers are not expected to sign Green at next month’s fantasy football auction, but interest in Jorginho is likely to see the Italian fetch a high price in the bidding.

“Oi, oi, facking saveloy,” said the former Napoli midfielder.

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Kharine win ‘doesn’t feel right’

PIKOV Scuminov lifted the Dmitri Kharine World Cup yesterday but their manager says ‘it doesn’t feel right’ as he remotely bid in the auction.

Antoine Greizmann got a goal and an assist to become the second-highest individual scorer at the tournament and help ‘the Scum‘ secure the Kenna-Kharine double in 2018.

“Muted celebrations in the office as winning without attending the auction doesn’t feel right,” said the Scum boss about calling into last month’s London auction from his New York base.

The Scum manager has clearly forgotten the controversy of the Emerson World Cup four years ago, when the Testiculadewland manager won the tournament after a ‘tactical no show’ at the auction.

“We don’t want to send a message managers have more chance of winning World Cups if they don’t show up to the auction,” read a statement from the chairman last night.

Given the leaked Wada report about several managers testing positive for banned substances at the event last month, many believe the auction is fast becoming the last place to find a successful fantasy football manager.

Special Kharine mention goes to Putin More Russians Puns, who after a nervy group stage raced up the table in the knockout round to take surprise third place, mainly thanks to Eden Hazard and Kylian Mbappe.

Sadly, for the PMRP manager cash prizes are only being awarded to first and second place.

Better luck next time goes to Test Team (Please Ignore). Having come last in the Kharine, their manager can look forward to a few nights in the gulag where a hand job from Pussy Riot will be the least of his problems.

Kharine table – final standings

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kharine - final table - 16 July 2018
Kharine – final table – 16 July 2018

Kharine – top 30 players

Kharine Top 30 Players
Kharine Top 30 Players
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Kharine managers ‘were all on drugs’

THE Pikov Scuminov manager says his rivals must have ‘all been on drugs’ after going 10 points clear at the top of the Dmitri Kharine World Cup table this week.

Bidding remotely from the US, the Scuminov boss only signed a handful of players at the auction last month including Antoine Greizmann for £28m and Timo Werner for £32m.

He picked up leftovers after the event, such as the unsigned defender Miranda, for £0.5m.

“You guys must have all been on drugs for no-one to have bid for the Brazil captain or gone above £5m for Diego Godin,” said the Pikov Scuminov manager.

Whether Kharine managers were on drugs or not at the auction is still being investigated by the World Anti Doping Agency after several urine samples tested positive for banned substances.

Kharine managers are pleading their innocence but Wada says managerial decision making at the auction is building a strong case against them.

“The Test Team (Please Ignore) manager signed a back three of Medhi Benatia, Kalidou Koulibaly and Nikola Milenkovic,” begins a leaked extract from the damning Wada report.

“The Lokomotiv Leeds manager spent £26m on strikers from Saudi Arabia and South Korea.

“The Breivik Babes manager signed Mauro Icardi. He wasn’t even named in the Argentina squad.

Fat Ladies started the tournament with tennis player Maria Sharapova in attack.

“How can we draw any other conclusion than these people were out of their tiny little minds?”

A source at Kenna HQ refuted the allegations.

“Has Wada never been to a Kenna auction before? These managers weren’t doping, they’ve just always been a bit slow.”

Kharine table – post semis

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kharine post semis - 12 July 2018
Kharine post semis – 12 July 2018
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Two horse Kharine

TWO matches to go for all players left in the tournament and the Kharine is a two horse race.

Pikov Scuminov (175 points – Sterling, Greizmann, Mertens) have the strongest hand with three attacking starters and at least one bound to appear in the ‘traditionally a goal fest’ third place game.

The manager of I Knew Sterling Would F*ck It Up! (168 – Strinic, Lukaku, Rashford, Dembele) relies on clean sheets and substitute appearances.

Kharine organiser the vice chairman has hinted there will only be cash prizes for first and second place, but this remains unconfirmed and four sides jostle for the honour of third:

Since the vice chairman’s team Young Bolsheviks hasn’t been in with a chance of a podium finish since the start of the Kharine, remuneration for third place is solely expected to be kudos.

One remarkable similarity between the last four nations left in Russia is their disciplinary record. Not one country has seen red and aside from Croatia (12) yellow cards have been sparse for England (5), Belgium (7) and France (8).

In a recent football history where the French throw their toys out the pram and sulk on the team coach, an England player cracks under pressure at a crucial moment or Marouane Fellaini, can those remaining hold their nerve?

Conversely, while the England football team has committed the fewest fouls of the remaining nations, their supporters continue to prove their fellow countryman Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection with a series of celebration-related incidents.


Kharine table – post quarter finals

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kharine table - post QF - 8 July 2018
Kharine table – post QF – 8 July 2018


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Hardboiled Kharine

THE front door of the flat was like a Panamanian defence. It looked big and imposing but I picked it open in seconds.

As soon as I opened the door the smell was everywhere. Acrid. It hit the back of my throat like a desperate German clearance into a match-weary South Korean groin.

I stepped into the stuffy entrance hall and closed the front door behind me. The smell intensified as I stood there listening for any movement. It was as quiet as a Berlin fan park at the end of the group stage, and just as threatening.

Carefully I began to walk through the flat. The remains of a takeaway and a six Jamaican lager beers for five pounds deal was on the coffee table in the lounge along with some curious-looking DVDs, but other than the flat looked as untouched as the Spain quarter final hotel booking.

As I approached what I guessed was the bedroom the pungent smell grew stronger. I turned the knob and as the door creaked open I had to cover my face with my arm.

There were flies everywhere. Big, blue and green blow flies that buzzed like a Balkan midfield during a useful spell of possession. At the centre of the black mass of insects lying on the bed was the shape of what used to be a living being, naked except for the flies, a pair of pants around its ankles and a brown leather belt around its neck.

Even in the midst of the city’s heatwave, where the clothes on broads became as minimal as their patience for men watching three games a day, there was no way this level of decomposition could happen this early in the tournament. It must have been here since just after he first round of group stage matches.

These days there were stiffs turning up all over the city. It was normally the work of the manager experiences department. Those Chekist bullies had people squibbed off for nothing more than bad table manners.

But this didn’t look like the work of a manager experiences button man. The place was too tidy, the drawers weren’t overturned and the corpse was still in one piece.

My hand over my mouth I moved in for a closer inspection. The flies continued to foam around the dark opening of the mouth. The eyes were sunk back into the skull, deeper than Belgian wingbacks in the opposition half, and just as shifty looking.

The expression on the face when he’d faced the big one was still there. It looked like a blunted Argentine attack, not sure whether it was just about coming into form or never finding it again.

I returned to the entrance hall and dialled Kenna HQ.

“Put me through to the vice chairman’s office. Tell him it’s urgent,” I barked at the secretary, the smell had stripped me of my politer conversation. By now she recognised my voice.

The phone clicked and the vice chairman was there.

“What have you got?” he said. He didn’t sound in a good mood, like a Colombian after losing a penalty shootout.

“I’ve found him,” I told the vice chairman.

“You’re sure?” he perked up.

“Yes, and he’s been dead for sometime.”

“Was it manager experiences? I knew the chairman would be behind this,” he began to jabber, but I interrupted him before he could lay out his whole, whacky conspiracy theory.

“He wasn’t blipped off by anyone else. It looks like he choked himself off while he choked himself off, if you get my meaning. There’s some pretty wild smut in the lounge. And he’s been dead for some time.”

The vice chairman breathed heavily at the end of the phone before saying: “Alright, collect your pay next time you’re here.”

I hung up. Before I left the flat I took one last look at the poor sucker in the bedroom I’d been hunting down for the last two weeks.

It was the remains of the vice chairman’s Kharine title hopes.

Kharine table – after the round of last 16

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kharine last 16 - 4 July 2018
Kharine last 16 – 4 July 2018
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