UAE pardons Fadges boss after he tops Kenna

THE government of UAE has officially pardoned the manager of Hairy Fadjeetas today after the team went top of the Kenna League, but they say he is still ‘shit’.

The Dubai-based boss of the Fadges has been in custody in the Arab state for the last six months after being found guilty of having an empty trophy cabinet since 2011.

In a news conference in Dubai, a UAE spokesman showed a video of the Fadges boss allegedly confessing to ‘being shit at the Kenna’.

The club claims their manager did not understand the charges brought against him since he does not speak Arabic.

The Fadges gaffer was granted a ‘presidential pardon’ once it emerged he was number one in the Kenna, the first time a manager in the Middle East has topped the league.

The UAE spokesperson went on to say the manager was free because of “the state’s extreme clemency in the face of him signing Victor Moses, Martin Dubrawka and Danny Ings at the August auction.”

A statement from Kenna HQ read: “From Riyadh to Ras El Hanout, regional experts are scratching their heads at the situation. In eight seasons in the league Fadges have finished 15th, 9th, 13th, 10th, 17th (relegated), 3rd and 8th.

“You’d have thought they would cut off the hand he uses to bid for players.”

Kenna week 13

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 13 - 27 November 2018
Kenna week 13 – 27 November 2018
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Is the October transfer window dead?

AROUND 7.30pm on a Friday night last month the Kenna League auction hammer fell to pieces.

The incident sparked little comment in the Hoop & Grapes. It was a cheap hammer from ebay, paid for by Kenna funds, and it had served five glorious years. Even if many of the hundreds of signings it had sealed were unremarkable.

No, in itself the hammer head falling off was not of note. Except that it was the most exciting thing to have happened in the opening half hour of the October transfer window.

Let us drop all pretence, it was a bloody slow night. The October window is usually a jaunty occasion where managers are keen to replace those August signings who drifted off to the Continent, the Championship, Scotland. Or prison.

That was when the Premier League window closed at the end of the August. This summer it closed before the Kenna auction to transform the October transfer window into a curious affair.

A distinct lack of talent was available. Perhaps the record number of managers in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league were partly to blame. Surely even the most incompetent Kenna managers could sign all the best August players if there was enough of them?

Burnley, Wolves and Cardiff players dominated the window’s proceedings. The three hours of dogged, Bramble-strewn bidding familiar at transfer night was reduced to a tawdry 60 minutes.

How can Kenna HQ breathe life back into the October window?

Wild ideas were being whispered around the corridors of Kenna HQ even before the window began.

Should managers be forced to release their fourth highest scoring player? Or the third? Or second?

If managers were coerced into losing their top scoring player, how would that affect August player sales?

The marketing flakes at Kenna HQ are already keen to implement a scheme where each manager loses their best midfielder. After a ‘blue sky, ideas shower, no bad ideas’ session (they were going to add ‘helicopter view’…) they came up with a name for it: ‘Midfield General’.

Others suggest the event could be used solely as a cup draw made by a celebrity guest like Mike from the pub or a local prostitute.

Or should the October window be scrapped altogether?

Certainly, Kenna HQ will not be introducing the ‘third window’ of the 2006/07 season, which saw the chairman accused of having no mates.

Whatever the solution, the committee will have to come up with something before next season if we are to avoid a repeat of last month’s staid ceremony.

First they have to buy a new hammer.

Kenna table week 12

Kenna week 12 - 13 November 2018
Kenna week 12 – 13 November 2018

Kenna table week 11

Kenna week 11 - 6 November 2018
Kenna week 11 – 6 November 2018

Kenna table week 9

Kenna week 9 - 23 October 2018
Kenna week 9 – 23 October 2018
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