A bitter Rod to swallow

Kenna transfer deadline 12pm Tuesday 2 February.

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THERE was a knock on the door. The chairman bade enter from his desk.

A slim Colombian sidled in and said: ‘Gavnor, you want see me?’

‘James, good to see you,’ said the chairman expansively, putting an ‘h’ sound on the ‘J’ like he’d heard the intellectuals do making wry observations on the Football Snidely podcast.

The chairman continued: ‘Fantastic performance this week, James. It’s great to have you back from injury, but I didn’t ask to see you.’

The midfielder held up a note torn from a noticeboard. In marker pen it read ‘J Rod, my office now!’

The chairman smiled: ‘That wasn’t meant for you, James. You’re doing just fine. Would you go and tell Jay Rodriguez to come to my office?’

The Colombian nodded and left, clearly relieved. The chairman stood, went to the cocktail cabinet, and mixed his second pink gin of the morning.

He took a sip and mildly rebuked himself for signing two J Rods at the Kenna auction. The £13m for the South American was almost immediately repaid after a couple of matches. The £0.5m for the English striker was another story.

A smart rap at the door snapped him out of his reverie. ‘Enter.’

A man bun walked into the room, and the chairman motioned it to take a seat. The two men were silent for a few moments before the chairman moved over to his desk and stood looking at his striker.

‘Can you give me a good reason to let you go ahead of Tuesday’s transfer deadline?’

Jay Rodriguez stared back unmoved.

‘It’s just, I was all ready to let you go,’ continued the chairman. ‘I only paid point five for you at the end of the auction because someone had already bought Ashley Barnes, and until this week you’ve given me just that in performances: point five.’

The words hung in the air, but the player couldn’t have looked more relaxed. The chairman thought to himself ‘he’s been on the end of this before. At Burqini Pool Party in 2017/18. At Judean Peoples’ Front in 2015/16. At Headless Chickens the season before that. And twice again at JPF the season previous and the one before that. None of those teams won the title. The man’s a curse and he bloody knows it!’

He tried a different tack: ‘Jay, I’d like to share with you how happy I am you scored twice and got an assist on the weekend. I would really like to see more of that from you, but you’ve put me…you’ve put your teammates in a very difficult situation.

‘You see, next Friday I want to sign…,’ the chairman spent the next 10 minutes laying out his plans for the Kenna transfer window. The players he coveted. The players he thought had potential. The players he dismissed as ‘John Jensens and Stefan Schwarzes’.

All the while Jay Rodriguez barley moved a muscle, which the chairman guessed was just in case he tweaked something.

‘Now, Jay,’ the monologue was drawing to a close. ‘I’m going to keep you on. I want you to finish the season with us. We’re eighth in the league and if things go well next Friday we’ll be in a position to make a decent fist of it.

‘But I need you to stay fit and keep getting games. If I keep you on I’m going to look stupid in front of the rest of the league, in front of the rest of my league, if your form and fitness drift. Do you hear me?’

The striker stood and left the room without saying a word.

‘Damn that man!’ growled the chairman to the empty room as he made a fresh assault on the Angostura Bitters. ‘Damn him! He knows I haven’t got the money to let him go and sign….’

There was a crash like the sound of a balloon bursting followed by the muffled tinkling of glass.

‘Damn you, J Rod!’

He knelt down to begin picking up shards of glass, and then stopped.

‘Why on earth did the JPF manager sign you three times?’

Kenna League week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 18 - 26 January 2021
Kenna League week 18 – 26 January 2021
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The Kenna Putsch

THE political world was rocked this week as dissenting fantasy football managers stormed Kenna HQ in protest at the chairman.

The managers of Judean Peoples’ Front, Dagger’n’Redbridge, Lokomotiv Leeds, and Young Boys overwhelmed security forces to occupy Kenna HQ, before desecrating the chairman’s cocktail cabinet, smashing up the Titus Bramble Lounge (pictured), and taking recreational drugs in the executive toilet.

The attack is thought to have been sparked by the perceived unfair treatment of the quartet of managers who failed to turn up to the September auction, and had their teams completed by autofill once all the best players had been sold.

Mobile phone footage of the insurrectionists shows them shouting slogans ‘free the absentees’ and ‘hell no autofill’.

Once the alcohol had run dry, the rebels got bored and left, telling TV news crews outside they would continue to take revenge at the transfer window two weeks on Friday.

The chairman, who was away from Kenna HQ in self isolation, played down security fears, putting the sedition down to jealousy.

‘Let’s not forget, these managers all failed to attend the auction, so if they end up with the likes of Mesut Ozil and Odion Ighalo they’ve only got themselves to blame.

‘They may have occupied Kenna HQ for a couple of hours, but they’ll be occupying four of the last five places in the table for the rest of the season.

‘Of course, the other place will be occupied by the Craft Beer Wankers manager who did attend the auction, but performed so badly he’s got Glenn Murray and north London serial killer Dennis Nilsen up front.’

Kenna League week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 17 - 19 January 2021
Kenna week 17 – 19 January 2021

Kenna League week 16

Kenna week 16 - 12 January 2021
Kenna week 16 – 12 January 2021
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Who needs enemies when you’ve got managers like these?

THE Kenna League chairman has vowed to crack down on managers who refuse to pay their subs after receiving ‘the lowest form of insult’ in the post.

Holding up a piece of chocolate money and a losing scratch card, the chairman said time is now up for managers failing to pay monies owed to the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who is more than two years behind in payments, is reported to have sent the items to Kenna HQ after being humiliated before Christmas when he was snapped in the pub with fellow debtor the Dulwich Red Sox manager.

‘This really is the lowest form of insult. I’d rather receive death threats than this guff. It’s the final straw,’ said the chairman.

Rumours at Kenna HQ are subs dodgers will receive any prize money payouts relative to how much they’ve paid in, which sounds a pecuniary alarm bell to debtors.

Fat Ladies‘ third place finish in 2019 and Pikey Scum‘s August 2019 Manager of the Month prize, and their fantastic form this season, will see the managers of both clubs most out of pocket unless they contact the treasurer immediately.

The Pirate and JPF manager are even further behind in their payments, but so unlikely to win anything in the Kenna their local health authorities sent them letters to say they’re ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.

Transfer window details announced

The season’s only transfer window will take place remotely on Friday 5 February, it was announced today.

Managers must release unwanted players by the 12pm deadline on Tuesday 2 February.

The Cowley Casuals manager will have to decide (but probably not for long) on ditching either Ross Barkley or Jack Grealish, who are both Bramble tied.

Eight loan players will also be made available for the window:

Trent A-A (42 points) – Bala Rinas, 1st in the league
Sebastian Haller (41) – Dynamo Charlton, 5th
Joelinton (35) – Bunch of Kuntz, 13th
Oliver McBurnie (28) – Thame Network Solutions, 6th
Luke Shaw (23) – Cowley Casuals, 8th
Fred (19) – Piss Poor, 3rd
Gareth Bale (10) – Judean Peoples’ Front, 20th
Thiago (5) – Lokomotiv Leeds, 17th

Auction non-attendees the vice chairman and the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager are yet to discover the identity of their loan players.

A live head-to-head challenge between the two managers just before the transfer window begins has been tabled. The winner will decide the loser’s loan player.

Dennis Praet (33 points, vice chairman) and Bobby De Cordova-Reid (44 points, Daggers) are front runners.

Covid Cup

This season’s cup competition will see four groups of five in a seeded draw at the window, with the top two teams from each advancing straight into a quarter-final knockout stage.

WeekScores publishedNotesTransfer windowCup
1612 January
1719 January
1826 JanuaryDouble GW
192 FebruaryFriday 5 FebruaryDraw
209 February
2116 FebruaryGroup fixture 1
2223 FebruaryGroup fixture 2
232 MarchGroup fixture 3
249 MarchGroup fixture 4
2516 MarchGroup fixture 5
2623 March
276 April
2813 AprilQF first leg
2920 AprilQF second leg
3027 April
314 MaySF first leg
3211 MaySF second leg
3318 May15 May – FA Cup Final
3425 MayFinal

Kenna table week 15

Kenna week 15 - 6 January 2021
Kenna week 15 – 6 January 2021

Kenna table week 14

Kenna week 14 - 29 December 2020
Kenna week 14 – 29 December 2020

Kenna table week 13

Kenna week 13 - 22 December 2020
Kenna week 13 – 22 December 2020
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