Bullets in the post

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Kenna table week 18 - 29 December 2015
Kenna table week 18 – 29 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 71 3
2 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 64 2
3 Cowley Casuals Stu 63 2
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 56 1
5 Team Panda George 56 0
6 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
7 Newington Reds Ben D 54 2
8 Young Boys Andrew D 51 2
9 KS West Green Stix 51 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 48 3
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 44 2
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 44 2
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 43 1
15 ISIL Abdi 38 2
16 Thieving Magpies Phil 38 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 0
18 Carles Carles 33 2
19 Uncertain Pete B 18 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
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Chairman to refer to ‘moments of darkness’ in Christmas speech

THE Kenna chairman will refer to finding hope in ‘moments of darkness’, during his annual Christmas Day address.

It comes after a year which has seen a number of upsetting incidents, such as Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot’s introduction to the league, the Adam Johnson hotel room scandal and the abduction of pundit Mark Bright.

The chairman will describe the festive period as “a time to remember all that we have to be thankful for now silent bidding has been successfully introduced into the August auction“.

This year’s message, produced by ITN, will be broadcast on television and radio at 15:00 GMT.

The chairman will say during his broadcast: “It is true that the Kenna has had to confront moments of darkness this year, but the Gospel of John contains a verse of great hope, often read at Christmas carol services: ‘The light shines in the darkness, and tactical Brambling has not overcome it’.”

Another masterful display from Riyad Mahrez saw Young Boys go 76 points clear at the top of the table for Christmas.

Narcozep Cup results

Real Threat 19 – 26 Pikey Scum
Young Boys 23 – 32 Hairy Fadjeetas
KS West Green 19 – 33 Headless Chickens
Newington Reds 29 – 31 FC Tescticuladew
ISIL 25 – 35 Team Panda
Lokomotiv Leeds 18 – 16 Bala Rinas
Thieving Magpies 14 – 19 Northern Monkeys
Judean People’s Front 29 – 36 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup group standings

Narcozep Cup group standings - 22 December 2015

Kenna table – week 17

Kenna table week 17 - 22 December 2015
Kenna table week 17 – 22 December 2015

Weekly scores

Week 17 scores - 22 December 2015

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Boumsong named as face of 2016 Euros

JEAN-Alain Boumsong will be the figurehead of London’s leading pub-based Euro 2016 fantasy football competition, it was announced today.

The tournament, already known as ‘The Boumsong’, will see up to 20 managers battling it out to buy their eleven players at auction on Friday 10 June at 7pm, just one hour before France v Romania kicks off.

The format of holding a fantasy auction while the opening match is being played was successfully trialled for the 2014 Emerson World Cup.

Boumsong was chosen as figurehead both as a representative of the host nation and for his crucial role in the history of the Kenna League, according to organisers.

In a press conference this morning, the Kenna chairman explained: “Jean-Alain Boumsong is the perfect fit for next summer’s tournament. Yes, his Frenchness plays a part, but he was also one half of the Premier League’s most notorious centre back partnerships with Titus Bramble. This is at the centre of the values of the league.

“Titus Bramble is an important cultural figure in the Kenna, and his career is closely interwoven into the league’s history. But it all started with Boumsong.”

The Chroncile of the Bungle Brothers

Born in Cameroon, Jean-Alain Boumsong made an impressive impact with Le Havre, Auxerre and Rangers before coming to England in January 2005, eight months before the Kenna was founded.

In his first few matches, Boumsong appeared to warrant his £8m transfer fee, but things quickly unravelled…

At the inaugural Kenna auction in August 2005, none of the eight founding managers deemed the defender worthy of signing.

The Frenchman went on to collect 73 points that season, or at least enough for the Vazmanian Devils manager – the first ever female Kenna manager – to fork out £0.5m for his services at the August 2006 auction.

His Kenna career was short lived. Just two weeks into the campaign, having scored no points, he was sold to Juventus.

In an act of clemency never seen since, special dispensation from the league administration allowed the Vazmanian Devils manager to fill the gap in her defence with another player…

Vazmanian Devils – August 2006
R Green – WHU – £0.5m
R Ferdinand – MUN £19.5m
U De La Cruz – REA £0.5m
T Bramble – NEW – £0.5m (replaces Boumsong, week 3)
R Nelson – BLA – £0.5m
A Lennon – TOT – £21.5m
X Alonso – LIV – £13m
T Rosicky – ARS – £25m
M Ballack – CHE – £13m
R Vaz Te – BOL – £0.5m
JF Hasselbaink – CHA – £3m
Total £97.5m

In the November transfer window Bramble was released by Devils as part of a defensive clear out. It wasn’t enough to stop her finishing bottom of the league.

Titus Bramble went on to become the Kenna’s official forfeit player the following summer. His first posting was to the defence of Titus’ Titans.

The Titans manager is now in charge of Young Boys of Vauxhall, who extended their lead at the top of the Kenna this week with goals from Romelu Lukaku and Riyad Mahrez.

Kenna table – week 16

Full scores and table available from The Rub

Kenna table week 16 - 15 December 2015
Kenna table week 16 – 15 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Tescticuladew James N 41 2
2 Young Boys Andrew D 35 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 0
4 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 31 1
5 Team Panda George 29 1
6 Cowley Casuals Stu 29 1
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 28 0
8 Newington Reds Ben D 27 0
9 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 2
10 Thieving Magpies Phil 25 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 2
12 Pikey Scum Jack 24 1
13 Carles Carles 22 0
14 KS West Green Stix 20 1
15 Judean People’s Front Sholto 19 0
16 Uncertain Pete B 16 1
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 16 0
18 Headless Chickens John N 16 0
19 ISIL Abdi 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 10 Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
Club Young Boys
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Reds manager blown in alleyway

A KENNA League manager has been exposed trying to avoid the media spotlight for fear it would bring an end to his team’s run of form.

Walthamstow Reds are one of the few sides to climb the league since the October transfer window, where the manager made five new signings.

Over the last few weeks the Reds have gone from sixth to third place in the league and are second in Narcozep Cup group B after just one game, but the manager has been keen to keep a low profile.

In a leaked communique to Kenna HQ he said: “Have been desperately hoping that you continue to not write about me and that my creep up the table since the transfer window continues to go unnoticed.”

Unfortunately for the Reds, the manager’s plan went awry this week when he was spotted by a police patrol trying to escape the glare of top-flight football in an E17 alleyway in a hat, dark glasses, trench coat and upturned collar.

The Reds manager tried to explain his suspicious behaviour, saying it was nothing to do with the proximity of a local primary school but the promise of a maiden Kenna title. Waltham Forest’s finest were not convinced.

Desperate to prove his innocence, the manager went on to tell stoney-faced constables of Kasper Schmiechel clean sheets, Glenn Murray’s rebirth of form and ‘the importance of beating Young Boys‘.

He was taken to Chingford nick for further questioning.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 7 41 Young Boys
Pikey Scum 28 20 Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain 17 39 Newington Reds
Headless Chickens 15 20 FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton 15 31 Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda 27 31 Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals 21 13 Judean People’s Front
Northern Monkeys 31 31 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group A
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Young Boys 1 41 7 34 3
2 Real Threat 1 34 21 13 3
3 Pikey Scum 2 56 52 4 3
4 Carles 2 39 69 -30 3
5 Hairy Fadjeetas 2 41 62 -21 0
Group B
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 FC Tescticuladew 2 43 -38 5 4
2 Newington Reds 1 39 -17 22 3
3 Uncertain 2 35 -56 -21 3
4 KS West Green 1 23 -23 0 1
5 Headless Chickens 2 32 -38 -6 0
Group C
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Bala Rinas 2 57 -52 5 6
2 Lokomotiv Leeds 1 31 -15 16 3
3 Dynamo Charlton 2 40 -45 -5 3
4 ISIL 1 25 -26 -1 0
5 Team Panda 2 41 -56 -15 0
Group D
Pos Team Played For Against Diff Pts
1 Cowley Casuals 2 40 -29 11 6
2 Thieving Magpies 1 24 -20 4 3
3 Northern Monkeys 2 47 -50 -3 1
4 Wandsworth Network Solutions 2 51 -55 -4 1
5 Judean People’s Front 1 13 -21 -8 0

Kenna table – week 15

Full tables and scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 15 - 8 December 2015
Kenna table week 15 – 8 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 42 4
2 Newington Reds Ben D 39 1
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 0
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 1
6 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 31 0
7 Pikey Scum Jack 28 1
8 Team Panda George 27 2
9 ISIL Abdi 21 2
10 Cowley Casuals Stu 21 0
11 FC Tescticuladew James N 20 0
12 Thieving Magpies Phil 19 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 18 0
14 Uncertain Pete B 17 0
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 15 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 KS West Green Stix 14 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 13 0
19 Carles Carles 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
Club Young Boys
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Postcards from Spain

HE stared out of the window from his desk for some time.

It was hard not to be downcast. The season was drifting once again.

It was another disaster. He had little doubt about that as he looked over the training pitches at The Coop. And the seeds of failure had surely been sown in August.

Diego Costa. Diego fucking Costa. Fifty fucking million. That was supposed to buy goals, buy points. Instead the most exciting thing he got was a pink bib thrown in his general direction. He should have known. Never trust a man who can grow a beard during the course of a game.

Although at least Costa got a game. His other marquee signing had spent most of season on the sidelines. Vincent Kompany had only played three times since 1 September. With luck like this it was easy to see how his side were hanging above the relegation zone.

Was it luck? The more he pondered the clearer his own shortcomings in London pub-based fantasy football became. The highest ever finish he’d ever managed was ninth. All the rest had been in the teens it looked like going that way again unless he could make serious moves in the February transfer window.

The transfer window! Releasing Ronaldo (he cursed himself again. Ronaldo!) in favour of Cameron Jerome had been the one positive move he’d made this campaign. If you could call one goal in eight weeks positive.

Apart from Jerome the window hadn’t offered up any opportunities. Or was it his own tactical shortsightedness? He was sure there was something in his back four that needed attention, but he could never quite put his finger on it.

His reverie was interrupted by his secretary coming in with the post. He mumbled thanks and as she left the room idly riffled through the usual bumph of bills and death threats.

A postcard of the Santiago Bernabeu stadium stuck out. He’d been receiving one of these once a week since the start of the season. He sighed and turned it over.

‘TOSSER’ was written on the back. He fought back a tear and put it in the bottom drawer of his desk with the others.

One day he would get his hands on this prankster who called himself ‘Sergio Ramos‘.

Narcozep Cup fixtures

Just Put Carles v Young Boys
Pikey Scum v Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain v Walthamstow Reds
Headless Chickens v FC Testiculadew
Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda v Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals v Judean Peoples’ Front
Northern Monkeys v Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table – week 14

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 14 - 1 December 2015
Kenna table week 14 – 1 December 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean People’s Front Sholto 38 2
2 Carles Carles 32 1
3 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 31 1
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 1
5 Thieving Magpies Phil 30 2
6 Team Panda George 29 2
7 KS West Green Stix 27 0
8 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 1
9 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 2
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 1
11 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 22 1
13 Young Boys Andrew D 20 1
14 FC Tescticuladew James N 18 0
15 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 0
16 Cowley Casuals Stu 16 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
18 ISIL Abdi 13 0
19 Uncertain Pete B 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 13 de Bruyne, K – MCY – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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