Fantasy league begins disciplinary proceedings against manager’s profane rant

THE Kenna League has started a disciplinary process against a manager after footage emerged of him calling rival managers ‘fucking shit’ while drunk in a bar.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, known as ‘Breivik’ for his resemblance to the infamous Norwegian mass murderer, was captured on video apparently criticising the managers of Piss Poor and Just Put Carles.

All three clubs finished in the relegation zone last season. JPF was just above the other two in 20th place.

The pressure appears to have got to Breivik, who under league rules now has to come up with a new team name if he wants to enter this Friday’s Kenna League auction.

Reports claim his drinking bouts have become more violent over the summer, often cornering strangers in pub smoking areas and repeatedly shouting ‘Judean Peoples’ Front’ in their faces, mostly with the apostrophe in the wrong place.

Kenna HQ said in a statement: “Breivik has conducted himself in a manner unbefitting of the Kenna League. The apostrophe comes after the ‘s’ in ‘Peoples”.”

Up to 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub this Friday for the 13th Kenna League auction.

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Who will be deadliest from close range?

HARRY Kane could be the deadliest Englishman from close range since Harold Shipman.

So how will that affect his value in a fantasy football auction?

Next Friday around 20 managers will be battling it out for the signatures of Kane, Romelu Lukaku, Sergio Aguero and the like at the 13th annual Kenna League auction.

With a team budget of £100m, the most desirable strikers in the land can expect to fetch anything between £30 and £50m.

Kenna rules mean managers can only buy one player from each Premier League club.

What does that do the signing fees of second tier strikers?

The return of Javier ‘El Chicharito’ Hernandez to England will be watched with interest.

‘The Little Pea’ has Kenna League experience, which is a big advantage over a newcomer like Alexandre ‘The Casette’ Lacazette.

The Mexican is also likely to get plenty of game time considering his competition for a place comes from Andy Carroll, a man so prone to injury his season will have more interruptions than a Kensington and Chelsea council meeting.

Wayne Rooney’s return to Merseyside is another move to raise an eyebrow.

Formally an outstanding performer at this level, enthusiasm from Kenna managers in recent times has…ahem…waned.

Two years ago Rooney was signed at auction for £31m. Last year it was £20m before he was sold in the February transfer window for a miserable £0.5m.

Rooney’s summer move will see his value increase, although many managers will consider him a gamble for anything more than £10m.

Saying that, players are randomly generated to be picked for auction so if Rooney comes out in the first half hour he’ll probably pick up a bigger signing fee.

If he comes out once managers have had a few beers and a couple of shots of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, who knows what will happen?

Download the Kenna League 2017-18 player list

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11 lessons from the Dunwich Dynamo

On Saturday 8 July I joined a small team to take on the mammoth overnight challenge of the Dunwich Dynamo.

Chris Froome-lite I am not.

Other than a short commute and an occasional battle with the infamous Swain’s Lane, until then my longest cycling challenge was a gentle Tour de Partridge.

There were nerves beforehand, but the 110-mile Dynamo turned out to be the best experience I’ve had on two wheels.

For any potential debutants tempted to have a go next year, and I would heartily recommend you do, here are a few tips I picked up.

1. Don’t mess with your body clock

If, like me, you wake up at roughly the same time each morning, alarm or not, there’s no point staying up late to get some extra kip on a lie in.

Your stomach will be on edge all day so do the sensible thing and fill it the kind of food you normally avoid eating in large amounts. This is just what you need.

Adrenaline will do the rest.

2. Pack accordingly

I got a puncture on the way to the start at London Fields. No bother. I had two spare tubes.

Lights. Check. Spare tube. Check. Schnapps. Check. #dunwichdynamo #cycling #london #cyclingshots

A post shared by Alistair Drummond (@kennachairman) on

A jacket also came in handy. Despite the warm weather the early hours got pretty chilly.

After a couple hours my top felt like I’d done a night on the Ministry of Sound dance floor. A spare would have been easy to carry and a welcome change.

3. Take food

All the food stops I read about online in the build up were empty by the time we got there. At Sudbury fire station we ate hot dog rolls warmed on a BBQ because there was no meat left. Maybe next year I’ll take olive oil and balsamic vinegar…

A 12-piece box of Baklava from my local Greek-Cypriot patisserie (I know, it’s grim up North London) was easy to carry and great sustenance for my fellow cyclists and me.

The hip flask of schnapps was also popular among teammates.

4. The first bit is crap – get a location app

Two or three thousand cyclists (retrospective estimates are undecided) leaving London at the same time leads to bottle necks, long waits at lights and much chuntering in the ranks.

Having been split up from some of the team, I was lucky to catch up with them again on the outskirts of the capital. A location app on your phone like Find My Friends would have been a good way to track progress.

You can make yourself invisible after the ride, in case you have stalkery or prankster mates.

5. Make sure your lights are secured…

There’s a cattle grid just after you cross the North Circular. As I rumbled over I saw a jettisoned red eye blinking up from the depths.

6. …and not set to flash

…but at least it was one less flashing rear light on the route. Three miles following one of those and it feels like a scene from Clockwork Orange.

7. People in Epping have issues

Look at what these idiots did…in Epping.

At no other point on the route did we witness local youths uprooting flowers from civic planters and impotently hurling them at cyclists.

The boy racer culture is strong with them too. Quite unnerving aggression from one Ford on a dark country road.

Everyone else interacting with cyclists on the route was absolutely charming.

8. Pubs open late and serve quickly

The Nags Head and White Hart in Moreton were overrun by cyclists, but it only took five minutes to get a round.

The Fox at Finchingfield is a great spot to watch the Dynamo slide past with a beer in the early hours. The niche brand of hand drier in the gents isn’t up to much though.

9. Take appropriate medical supplies

At around 30 miles the unaccustomed long-distance rider will have more little niggles than Andy Carroll.

I was fortunate enough to find some codeine tablets when packing at home. Everything was wonderful and serene after one of those.

Remember not to get too carried away with alcohol and painkillers. I switched off my Strava by mistake and missed recording part of the ride.

10. Try and ride as a team

The most fluid parts of the Dynamo were when six of us got together and powered through.

Unexperienced at riding in groups, when it came to the few climbs of the route it was every man for himself. One of the team found it hard to rejoin our small peloton once they’d been dropped.

There’s a tendency to want to kick on as it’s such a long ride. If you slow down to support your teammates it makes it a lot easier to get through.

No matter how you play it, you’ll all be dog tired by the end.

11. Get in the sea

By the time you reach Dunwich beach you’re too tired to be jubilant and a certain part of your anatomy feels like The Eye of Sauron (‘it was said few could endure the eye’s terrible gaze’).

You’ll certainly feel better for a dip in the ice cold North Sea.

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