Suarez gets early auction bid

Luis Suarez Jim'll Paint It
The Thriller: Luis Suarez can’t avoid the spotlight for long, but may want to avoid sunlight (photo: Jim’ll Paint It)

A SHOCK bid of £1m has already been tendered for Luis Suarez ahead of next season’s Kenna League, despite the striker being banned from football for four months.

The chairman submitted the offer earlier today, convinced the Uruguayan would return to be top scorer next season. Fifa discounted the bid as ‘football related activity’ after a surprise inspection at Kenna HQ.

“We’ve learned from past World Cups that any Premier League player who emerges as the villain goes on to have an incredible season following the tournament. You just know with Suarez that he’ll come back from the ban all guns blazing,” said the chairman.

There is a modicum of evidence backing up the chairman’s wild claim. In the summer of 2006, Cristiano Ronaldo emerged from the World Cup branded ‘The Winker’ and proved so unpopular with Kenna managers he went for a snip at auction – just £22m.

Ronaldo went on to be top points scorer and helped FC Gun Show take their first Kenna title.

Aficionados will also remember Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard, who had so dramatically failed to ‘dovetail’ at that same tournament, were the second and third top scoring players that same season. It’s unlikely this fact will have any impact on the value of James Milner come August.

Back at the top of the game, Luis Suarez may have hogged the headlines in Brazil, but in the Emerson World Cup another controversial figure is stealing the show.

Not content with sparking the ‘tactical no show’ scandal of the auction two weeks ago, the Testiculadew Land manager shot to the top of the table on goal difference today after another assured performance from striker Leo Messi.

“He’s bloody top!” exclaimed the chairman, who was being unusually loquacious today. “This begs belief. He used to have to turn up to auctions to hand the rest the league their behinds on the pitch, but now he can do it remotely. No manager is safe while he’s around.”

Testiculadew Land share the same points total as FadjeetaCabana, whose midfielder Xhedran Shaqiri scored a hat-trick last night.

Previous leaders Fat Ladies drop to third place. The chairman’s side Copa Lallana were shuffled down to fourth.

Lokomotiv Leeds maintained seventh place, but with a strike partnership of Suarez and Gervinho an Emerson World Cup challenge looks all but over for them.

Points scoring is expected to slow down considerably once the final group games have finished tonight and many players return home.

Points and goals team by team available from The Rub.

Emerson table

Emerson table - 26 June 2014
Emerson table – 26 June 2014
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Controversial manager fights ‘tactical no show’ allegations

Emerson auction
Intensity: The climate of the Emerson World Cup auction has been compared to a World Cup clincher in Manuas

FRESH controversy over suspicious auction tactics has overshadowed the opening 10 days of an otherwise thrilling Emerson World Cup.

Flouting a widely-advertised ban on bidding in absentia, the Testiculadew Land manager – who finds his side in third place going into the final group games today – claimed to have been delayed on his way to the auction a week last Thursday.

In their munificence, Emerson World Cup organisers allowed Testiculadew Land to begin buying a side using cross-platform mobile messaging smartphone app Whatsapp on the assumption the manager would eventually turn up to complete his business.

The manager did not show up. The other 17 managers endured the pressure-cooker auction night atmosphere to buy 11 players, desperately scrabbling through the haze of Continental lager and gastro pub burgers to fill their teams at closing time.

All the while, the Testiculadew Land spent most of his budget on five players, and outside of the bedlam coolly selected the remaining players, emailing them to organisers afterwards.

The T-Land manager, who discovered the pernicious practice of tactical Brambling at the Olisadebe Euros auction two years ago, maintains his inability to attend the evening was for an innocent reason and that it gave him a disadvantage.

Emerson organisers aren’t so sure, and have hinted at wholesale changes to the practice of ‘filling up’ up teams once the auction has closed.

“If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid, but this particular manager has more form than a Michaelangelo exhibition,” quipped the chairman this morning at a press conference in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo.

“There is a clear advantage to spending the lion’s share of the budget on five or six top quality players, knowing that – particularly in a World Cup with so many teams – there are plenty of players still out there.

“We’ve been in locked in the Kenna HQ situation room with the chaps from charts and graphs. In future any gaps in teams will be filled at random by some clever piece of spreadsheet jiggerypokery.”

In the Emerson itself, Fat Ladies top the table going into the final round of group games.

A hat-trick from Thomas Muller and a goal from Nani put Fat Ladies – whose manager made his first appearance at an auction since August 2009 – top, above a strong showing from Los Rojos.

Unlike his national side, the Spanish manager’s outfit started strongly, with three goals from Arjen Robben, one from Claudio Marchisio and one from Daniel Sturridge, although one of those sources will dry up very soon.

Down in the ‘England Basement’, Rio De Je Don’t Know bring up the rear. The manager will be hoping Hulk and Jelavic can conjure his team’s first goals on the tournament later this evening, but he’s probably not holding his breath.

Christopher Samba School, The Man From Piedmonte and Ophelia Hunt FC have also all failed to register a goal between them.

Leading the scoring charts with six goals are the chairman’s side Copa Lallana. The chairman now regrets abolishing the golden boot cash prize in favour of the Emerson Unfair Play award.

Full points and table available here

Emerson table

Emerson World Cup table - 23 June 2014
Emerson World Cup table – 23 June 2014


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Los Rojos

Manager: Jorge

Nationality: Spanish

International honours: none

Akinfeev, I – RUS – GK  £0.50 
Alves, D – BRA – DEF  £21.00 
Pique, G – ESP – DEF  £1.00 
Marquez, R – MEX – DEF  £0.50 
Uchida, A – JPN – DEF  £0.50 
Rakitic, I – CRO – MID  £18.00 
Robben, A – NED – MID  £29.00 
Witsel, A – BEL – MID  £1.00 
Marchisio, C – ITA – MID  £0.50 
Drogba, D – CIV – STR  £8.00 
Sturridge, D – ENG – STR  £7.00 
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Testiculadew Land

Manager: James N

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Courtois, T – BEL – GK  £12.00 
Torosidis, V – GRE – DEF  £0.50 
Spahic, E – BIH – DEF  £0.50 
Blind, D – NED – DEF  £0.50 
Schar, F – SUI – DEF  £0.50 
Kroos, T – GER – MID  £0.50 
Dzagoev, A – RUS – MID  £0.50 
Barkley, R – ENG – MID  £0.50 
Honda, K – JAP – MID  £0.50 
Messi, L – ARG – STR  £50.00 
Balotelli, M – ITA – STR  £17.00 
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Rio De Je Don’t Know

Manager: Pete

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Kawashima, E – JPN – GK  £0.50 
Jones, P – ENG – DEF  £1.00 
Zokora, D – CIV – DEF  £0.50 
Mensah, J – GHA – DEF  £0.50 
Almeida, A – POR – DEF  £0.50 
Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID  £20.00 
Iniesta, A – ESP – MID  £31.00 
Mejia, A – COL – MID  £0.50 
Glushakov, D – RUS – MID  £0.50 
Hulk – BRA – STR  £34.00 
Jelavic, N – CRO – STR  £1.00 
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The Man From Piedmonte

Manager: Phil

Nationality: England

International honours: none

Patricio, R – POR – GK  £0.50 
Baines, L – ENG – DEF  £15.00 
Evra, P – FRA – DEF  £9.00 
Vertonghen, J – BEL – DEF  £10.00 
Lahm, P – GER – DEF  £13.00 
Pirlo, A – ITA – MID  £13.00 
Toure, Y – CIV – MID  £21.00 
Fabregas, C – ESP – MID  £7.00 
Valencia, A – ECU – MID  £0.50 
Dzeko, E – BIH – STR  £9.00 
Hernandez, J – MEX – STR  £0.50 
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Young Brazilian Boys (Where’s Neymar?)

Manager: Denney

Nationality: Welsh (definitely not Belgian)

International honours: none

Neuer, M – GER – GK  £11.00 
Rojo, M – ARG – DEF  £0.50 
Alderweireld, T – BEL – DEF  £0.50 
Azpilicueta, C – ESP – DEF  £0.50 
Pereira, A – URU – DEF  £0.50 
Montero, J – ECU – MID  £0.50 
Vidal, A – CHI – MID  £10.00 
Boateng, K – GHA – MID  £1.00 
Pjanic, M – BIH – MID  £0.50 
Eder – POR – STR  £37.50 
Gutierrez, T – COL – STR  £0.50 
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Manager: Aiden

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Pletikosa, S – CRO – GK  £5.00 
Vlaar, R – NED – DEF  £6.00 
Barzagli, A – ITA – DEF  £6.00 
Aurier, S – CIV – DEF  £4.00 
Omeruo, K – NGA – DEF  £0.50 
Di Maria, A – ARG – MID  £31.00 
Sterling, R – ENG – MID  £6.00 
Gotze, M – GER – MID  £17.00 
Shaqiri, X – SUI – MID  £2.00 
Cavani, E – URU – STR  £9.00 
Gekas, T – GRE – STR  £6.50 
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Ophelia Hunt FC

Manager: Sholto

Nationality: Welsh

International honours: none

Buffon, G – ITA – GK  £2.00 
Marcelo – BRA – DEF  £19.00 
Johnson, G – ENG – DEF  £10.00 
Howedes, B – GER – DEF  £1.00 
Sagna, B – FRA – DEF  £8.00 
Modric, L – CRO – MID  £21.00 
Busquets, S – ESP – MID  £5.00 
Mirallas, K – BEL – MID  £8.00 
Isla, M – CHI – MID  £5.00 
Almeida, H – POR – STR  £5.00 
Huntelaar, K – NED – STR  £3.00 
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Lokomotiv Leeds

Manager: Ben S

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Vorm, M – NED – GK  £10.00 
Ramos, S – ESP – DEF  £20.00 
Kompany, V – BEL – DEF  £15.00 
Garay, E – ARG – DEF  £11.00 
Rodriguez, R – SUI – DEF  £0.50 
Griezmann, A – FRA – MID  £19.00 
Khedira, S – GER – MID  £1.00 
Moutinho, J – POR – MID  £0.50 
Samedov, A – RUS – MID  £0.50 
Suarez, L – URU – STR  £15.00 
Gervinho – CIV – STR  £0.50 
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