Kenna commits to be net Bramble zero by 2050

THE world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league has pledged to eliminate Brambling by 2050.

The Kenna League plans to gradually reduce the number of times the Titus Bramble forfeit process is triggered at auctions and transfer windows over the next three decades, but many commentators believe the Kenna HQ leadership has bigger concerns.

‘Brambling is the number one threat to our society,’ said the Kenna chairman arriving at COP26 by private jet with a Red Arrows flypast.

While many Kenna League managers haven’t Brambled in years, one point politicians and activists in Glasgow can agree on is there are outliers who threaten the net Bramble zero 2050 target.

‘The Pirate shows up to every auction saying he’ll play with a straight bat before losing Alvaro Morata on a Bramble and Alexis Sanchez to a Bramble buyout clause. It’s just ‘blah blah blah’,’ said a Swedish protestor outside the conference.

There is considerable apprehension a major power with an opaque, paranoia-inducing regime has the potential to undermine the net zero commitment, but the Dark Lord claims his days of tactical Brambling are truly behind him.

Proposals to reduce Brambling in the Kenna by managers going substance abuse neutral by 2030 were laughed out of COP26 so hard several world leaders woke up.

Kenna League week 10

Kenna week 10 - 6 November 2021
Kenna week 10 – 6 November 2021
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Necrophiliac David Fuller admits assaulting ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes

A hospital worker who assaulted dozens of female corpses over a number of years also interfered with ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes.

David Fuller, 67, assaulted several doomed title challenges in the world’s leading fantasy football league over several seasons, Maidstone Crown Court heard.

Police who raided Fuller’s home found indecent images and videos of the hospital electrician abusing the PSV Mornington’s title hopes in May 2014, six months after the manager was sacked, and the Pirates’ title hopes in 2015 and 2020, in both those seasons the team finished last.

“Evidence shows he had particular interest in the assault of dead fantasy football title challenges,” prosecutor Duncan Atkinson QC said. 

“There were both photographs and videos which showed the defendant sexually abusing female corpses in the mortuaries of the two hospitals at which he worked, first the Kent and Sussex Hospital, where he worked full time from 1989, and then the Tunbridge Wells Hospital, to which he moved in 2010.

“The images and videos can be dated to a period that included his employment at both hospitals, and they show the defendant performing acts of sexual penetration on females of significantly varying ages. And some Kenna teams’ title hopes.”

David Fuller is set to be a priority Bramble player at the Kenna February transfer window.

The trail continues.

Kenna League week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 2 November 2021
Kenna week 9 – 2 November 2021

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 26 October 2021
Kenna week 8 – 26 October 2021
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