Rising to the top

NEWINGTON Reds all but won the Kenna League on the weekend, but failed register a double.

The debutant manager at Clotted Cream First defeated Reds in a tense Krakow Cup final.

The Wile. E. Coyote of set pieces Trent Alexander-Arnold was the difference, a clean sheet and two assists earning him 13 points.

“Trent be a helluva bhuy, gert lush ee iz,” drawled the Devonian manager of The Cream.

“Fan zee zat, a Janner scoopinnt Krakoff dreckly ee be int Kenna? Although I was savage to see me bhuy Ake gettin minus two. Madazza barbed wire badger, ee iz.”

While Clotted Cream First shaved Reds in the cup, in the league second-placed Hairy Fadjeetas are in no danger shaving anything.

Third placed Fat Ladies also appear unlikely to shave anything from Hairy Fadjeetas’ 13-point advantage this Saturday. Fadges take Raheem Sterling into the game, while Ladies rely on Americ Laporte.

There’s an outside chance Bala Rinas could spring 18 points into third place if Gerard Deulofeu and Ederson combine.

Krakow Cup final – individual scores

Newington Reds 30 – Fab 2, J Evans 7, Robertson 7, Coady 1, C Taylor 0, Mili 1, Hojbjerg 2, Camarasa 0, Babel 1, Murray 7, Higuain 2

Clotted Cream First 33 – Lloris 1, TAA 13, Ake -2, Lascelles 7, Nordtveit 0, McArthur 4, Xhaka 0, H Costa 0, Barkley 2, Kun 7, Austin 1

Kenna week 36

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Travelling without winning

NEWINGTON Reds put in another commanding performance this week to both pull away at the top of the Kenna League and secure a place in the Krakow Cup final.

Gonzalo Higuain, Andrew Robertson, Conor Coady and Luka Milivojevic combined to thwart a resurgent Pikey Scum in their semi final second leg.

Should Reds now defeat Kenna debutants Clotted Cream First in the final, the manager could become the first in the Kenna to defend the Krakow Cup.

“Having been in the Kenna this long, I almost think it would be more an achievement not to win the league,” said the Reds manager, a nod towards all other founding members having lifted the trophy at some point.

The comment provoked a discussion among journalists. Should the Reds manager claim his maiden League title, who will be the most experienced Kenna manager without a winner’s medal?

Having topped the table for most of this season, Hairy Fadjeetas now appear to be a spent force this campaign and destined for life in Arabic confinement.

Yet the Fadges boss will have only competed for eight seasons by the time his side likely miss out on the league next month.

The treasurer is in his ninth season and looks set to add a fourth, third-place finish to his nearly man cabinet, but it turns out the most experienced manager (10 seasons) without any silverware will be the Judean Peoples’ Front boss.

That trend looks set to continue, given the JPF manager’s recent form for showing up at Kenna events not-so-fresh from all nighters with lonely, middle-aged men who might sell their car.

Krakow Cup – semi final second leg results

Turnpike Pirates 16 (24) – (43) 29 Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds 40 (63) – (46) 38 Pikey Scum

Final, 14 May: Clotted Cream First v Newington Reds

Kenna week 33

Kenna week 33 - 23 April 2019
Kenna week 33 – 23 April 2019

Kenna week 32

Kenna week 32 - 16 April 2019
Kenna week 32 – 16 April 2019
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Reds manager rejects Black Country double talk

IT will be “almost impossible” for Newington Reds to win the double this season, their manager has said.

His Reds side beat Pikey Scum by 15 points on the weekend to put them within touching distance of the Krakow Cup final.

They are already five points clear at the top of the Kenna League, as they attempt to win their first league campaign in 14 years of trying.

“Surviving is a miracle. It’s nice to be there,” the Reds manager said.

“Nobody from Wolverhampton has done it [won the double], so why can we do it? It is almost impossible to achieve everything – that is the truth.”

The closest any Wulfrunian has come to winning both trophies in a season was when the Cowley Casuals manager won the cup in 2014/15, and finished second in the league 22 points behind Sporting Lesbian.

The last Black Country manager to win the league was the Thieving Magpies manager in 2016/17.

“Do you believe we can survive a six-hour Kenna auction drinking lager far stronger than Carling and give a fantastic performance every time? No-one from Wolverhampton can do that,” the Reds manager said.

Krakow Cup – semi-final first leg

Turnpike Pirates 8 – 14 Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds 23 – 8 Pikey Scum

Kenna table week 31

Kenna week 31 - 9 April 2019
Kenna week 31 – 9 April 2019

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Fadged up the double

HAIRY Fadjeetas’ hopes of a Kenna league and cup double were scuppered this week in a tense affair at the Mogadishu Arena.

Turnpike Pirates narrowly won their quarter final tie by one point over two legs to knock out the Fadges.

“I’ve still got Moses in my side. He was supposed to have been released at the last transfer window. If Kenna HQ weren’t such a bunch of bungling buffoons I’d be through,” erroneously asserted the Fadges boss, who has Alfie Mawson in his side.

A drubbing for the chairman’s XI at The Dairy sees Pirates up against debutants Clotted Cream First for a place in the Krakow Cup final.

The other semi-final between Kenna HQ charts and graphs department veterans – the managers of Pikey Scum and Newington Reds – is being called ‘The Application.Speak.Speech(“Rub The Rub all over me”) Derby’.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the league, the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager has rushed to the defence of one of his….er….defence.

The Daggers boss claims a historic tweet by his player Declan Rice has been misunderstood.

“If you look at the context of his tweet at the time ,you’ll see he was probably enjoying a cultured evening in London at the Royal Academy with his partner,” began the Daggers manager, uncertainly reading out a briefing from the club’s snickering media officer.

“It says here the actual wording of the tweet was ‘Taking my girlfriend #UpTheRA’.”

Krakow Cup quarter final – second leg

Turnpike Pirates 10 (61) – (60) 24 Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First 18 (85) – (68) 22 Chairman’s XI

Newington Reds 21 (97) – (58) 15 Dynamo Charlton

Pikey Scum 12 (56) – (34) 10 Sporting Lesbian

Krakow Cup semi final fixtures – first leg 9 April, second leg 23 April

Turnpike Pirates v Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna – week 29

Kenna week 29 - 19 March 2019
Kenna week 29 – 19 March 2019

Kenna – week 28

Kenna week 28 - 12 March 2019
Kenna week 28 – 12 March 2019
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Stitched up like a Kepa

KEPA Arrizabalaga’s insubordination at FC Testiculadew last Sunday has been added to the case for the manager’s declining status as a force in the Kenna.

With his calculated exploitation of loopholes in league rules and his relentless success on the pitch, the FCT boss once struck fear into the hearts of Kenna administrators and managers alike.

Kepa’s recalcitrance and a drop in league position to 17th has reduced the Tactical Brambler’s image from Ming the Merciless to Louis CK.

His fall from notoriety is being likened to that of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

The Welshman once regularly challenged for a top four place, dominated auctions with his gavelled repartee and had a face that looked like it could launch a single-handed amphibious assault on a remote island to neutralise dozens of Norwegian teenagers.

Instead of a Ruger Mini-14 rifle, the JPF manager now stares down the barrel of yet another relegation battle and turns up to transfer windows looking like Tin Tin after a nervous breakdown.

One man windowing much better these days is the Newington Reds manager.

The Reds have spent every week since 22 January climbing the table one place at a time to find themselves in second, just nine points from Hairy Fadjeetas.

There were contributions right through the Reds’ XI this week, but in particular the manager will be pleased to see February transfer window signings Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Ryan Babel and Gonzalo Higuain all make an impact.

“The trick is to keep our cool and not let the pressure get to us,” said the Reds manager, lighting his next cigarette from the last and pouring another absinthe.

Krakow Cup – quarter final first leg results

Turnpike Pirates 51 – 36 Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First 67 – 46 Chairman’s XI

Newington Reds 76 – 43 Dynamo Charlton

Pikey Scum 42 – 24 Sporting Lesbian

Kenna table week 27

Kenna week 27 - 5 March 2019
Kenna week 27 – 5 March 2019
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Shamima’s choice

Discernment is a matter of good taste.

The caliphate fulfils my discernment in many ways.

Unity in hatred of the capitalist West.

Positive action against the infidels and their false idols.

Better fruit and veg than Roman Road market.

But as an individual of true discernment there was always something missing.

To take part in a truly world-class fantasy football league.

One day I looked down at a severed human head in a bucket and thought: ‘The imperialists are paying dearly for their opulence, but how am I going to be able to bid remotely long enough to sign Paul Pogba at auction with wifi this patchy?’

That’s why I want to return to Britain.

And being discerning there’s only one fantasy football league I would join: the Kenna.

The world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

Krakow Cup last sixteen results

First leg 12 February, second leg 26 February

Turnpike Pirates 27 (65) – (62) 33 Test Team please ignore

Clotted Cream First 20 (63) – (52) 16 Fat Ladies

Hairy Fadjeetas 14 (49) – (22) 8 Dagger’n’Redbridge

Piss Poor 5 (21) – (51) 22 Pikey Scum

TNS 32 (58) – (76) 36 Newington Reds

Lokomotiv Leeds 11 (30) – (63) 19 Chairman’s XI

Dulwich Red Sox 27 (46) – (55) 22 Dynamo Charlton

Thieving Magpies 4 (38) – (45) 20 Sporting Lesbian

Krakow Cup quarter final fixtures

First leg 5 March, second leg 19 March

Turnpike Pirates v Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First v Chairman’s XI

Newington Reds v Dynamo Charlton

Pikey Scum v Sporting Lesbian

Kenna table week 26

Kenna week 26 - 26 February 2019
Kenna week 26 – 26 February 2019

Kenna table week 25

Kenna week 25 - 19 February 2019
Kenna week 25 – 19 February 2019

Kenna table week 24

Kenna week 24 - 12 February 2019
Kenna week 24 – 12 February 2019
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Wayne’s Struggle

Given the brevity of a career in professional football I had decided to plan for retirement by going into vegetable farming. I purchased a cabbage farm. Keen to employ a local workforce, I advertised in the local paper and a number of people from the Polish community applied. They worked hard and they worked long hours, so in return…


…I had some crude wooden huts built so they could shelter from the weather. To give them a team spirit I was kindly given some 2000-01 Crystal Palace shirts which were fine aside from a mistake at the factory which meant instead of having red and blue stripes they were brown and a grey/green colour. After a number of cabbage thefts…


…from the farm, I took advice from a security consultant. Having erected a 10-foot perimeter fence of barbed wire around the farm, I decided to take on the security firm, who were called All Black Security due to the founders coming from New Zealand. In accordance with their brand guidelines their security uniforms were all black. As part of the security company’s sustainability strategy their guard dogs…


…were rescued from a local animal shelter for German shepherds. It was therefore not my intention, upon inviting a children’s group from the local synagogue to find out more about vegetable farming, to give the impression I was operating a fully-functional concentration camp. I understand how this could be misconstrued and I assure you my values or the values of my cabbage farm do not tally with this version of events. I would never do that, and any resemblance is coincidental. Love and peace.


Krakow Cup – second group match results

Krakow Cup – 8 January 2019

Krakow Cup third place qualifying group (top four qualify)

1Clotted Cream First7576-13
2Newington Reds5862-43
3Dynamo Charlton7487-133
4Fat Ladies6383-203
5Chairman’s XI90124-343
6Bala Rinas61114-533

Kenna table week 19

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Fadges boss freed from jail again

THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas has been granted an official pardon by the United Arab Emirates for the second time in three weeks as his side returned to the top of the Kenna League.

Roberto Firmino (14 points), Felipe Anderson (12), Juan Mata and Serge Aurier (both 10) put Fadges into first place and saved their manager from unspeakable human rights abuses in a UAE prison for a second time.

“This is getting silly,” said the Fadges boss, standing outside the prison in blood- and faeces-encrusted pyjamas.

“It’s the most competitive Kenna ever with a different team top every week. If this keeps up I’m going to be in and out of prison like John Warboys’ parole officer.”

The Kenna vice chairman’s side Young Boys went top. Every Young Boy scored points except goalkeeper Marcus Betinelli who didn’t register for the seventh straight week.

Fadges had the last laugh, or took first blood, over Young Boys in the first round of Krakow Cup fixtures winning by more than 20 points.

The result put the Dubai-based manager top of the league-and-cup-double stakes according to the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department.

Elsewhere in the so-called ‘group of death’, reigning Kenna champions Pikey Scum beat cup specialists Dynamo Charlton.

Scum lie just seven points off the league leaders.

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 15 - 11 December 2018
Kenna week 15 – 11 December 2018
Krakow Cup - 11 December 2018
Krakow Cup – 11 December 2018
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Euro 2016-style cup draw unveiled

YOUNG Boys were back on top of the table this week as The Most Competitive Ever Kenna Season continues apace.

Alexandre Lacazette’s goal brought mixed emotions for the vice chairman, who was watching proceedings on Sunday afternoon with the chairman in the Tottenham Beehive.

Human rights groups are on high alert as the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who was given a reprieve by United Arab Emirates state security last week, slipped into second place.

Both Fadges and Young Boys find themselves up against each other in Group D of this season’s Krakow Cup competition, which kicks off this weekend.

Last year’s cup ‘winners‘ find themselves in Group A.

Kenna HQ has announced a new Euro 2016-style group draw, with all 24 teams in this year’s league competing for places in the last 16.

After playing each other once, the top two teams from each group qualify for the next stage of the tournament.

The six third-placed teams will be pitted against each other, with the top four of those also going through.

It sounded complicated in the summer of 2016, and it still sounds complicated now. Here’s how it works.

Group A
Piss Poor
Craving Cottaging
Walthamstow Reds

Group B
Clotted Cream First
Thieving Magpies
FC Testiculadew

Group C
Fat Ladies
Don’t Know Yet
Tottenham Network Solutions
Test Team, Please Ignore

Group D
Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys
Pikey Scum
Dynamo Charlton

Group E
Mo Me The Mane
Cowley Casuals
Dulwich Red Sox
Chairman’s XI

Group F
Lokomotiv Leeds
Judean Peoples’ Front
Bala Rinas
Sporting Lesbian


Group games

11 December
8 January
22 January
Last 16 (two legs)
12 Feb
25 Feb
QF (two legs)
12 March
19 March
SF (two legs)
16 April
30 April
14 May

Kenna table – week 14

Kenna week 14 - 3 December 2018
Kenna week 14 – 3 December 2018

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Reds manager wins first trophy in 13 years

WALTHAMSTOW Reds beat Wandsworth Network Solutions by nine points in one of the poorest-quality cup finals in living memory.

A goal from Wilfred Zaha and unremarkable appearances from Butland, Ake, Pogba, Redmond, Carroll and Mounie were enough for Reds to beat off a WNS side missing six players.

A promising Krakow Cup campaign ended with a whimper for the runners up. Aubameyang scored, but Pereyra (2), Sissoko (2), Depoitre (1) and Morgan (-2) left spectators wondering how the team got there in the first place.

An even dimmer view is being taken of the Reds manager’s road to the final, the outfit having lucked through a controversial independent panel review at the semi final stage.

The hashtag #HollowVictory was trending on Twitter for much of Sunday night and continued into Monday morning as the lucrative Far East market awoke to the news.

‘I don’t care how hollow this victory is…TROPHY,’ posted the Reds boss on the Kenna Whatsapp group earlier today after confirmation came through of his first piece of silverware since entering the Kenna League at its beginnings in 2005.

‘I’d like to thank the independent panel members for their wise decision.’

That sideshow over, all eyes now turn to this week’s top scorers and champions elect Pikey Scum who extended their lead at the top of the Kenna to 52 points thanks to a brace from Harry Kane (12) and all sorts of heroics from Andrew Robertson (15).

A maiden Kenna title for the Scum manager after 12 seasons of trying is expected to be ratified after the match at Wembley on Saturday.


Krakow Cup final – result

Walthamstow Reds 19 – 10 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna League – week 36

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 36 - 14 May 2018
Kenna League week 36 – 14 May 2018

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