Spartak Mog? Mo chance

Mo Farah Arsenal
Slim: Mo Farah has dismissed the chances of rival London Somali immigrant the Spartak Mogadishu manager retaining the cup (photo courtesy of Sean Hinks)

MO FARAH has launched a scathing attack on Spartak Mogadihu’s chances of defending their title in the Kenna cup contest.

The double Olympic gold winning athlete instantly became the second most successful Somali immigrant in London when the Spartak manager lifted the Canesten Combi Cup for the first time in May.

“Yarrrrr! If ye be askin’ me, ye chance o’ that lily-livered scoundrel in ye thrush goblet be shipwrecked. Lallana apart, the rest o’ his side be a shower,” said Farah from next to his gold postbox in Teddington, south west London.

Many pundits have agreed with Farah’s assessment. Even after making changes at the transfer window the Spartak boss has struggled to get the best out of his team, which this week slipped into the relegation zone.

In Northern Monkeys the Somali manager will have an easy enough opening group C stage fixture this weekend, but tougher challenges await, particularly in the form of Headless Chickens, who maintain their place at the top of the Kenna table.

Responding to Farah’s comments outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the Spartak Mogadishu manager said: “Ye addled scurvy dog should be comin’ out from behind ‘is gold postbox an’ sayin’ ‘is words to me fore. I be makin’ ‘ee kiss the gunner’s daughter an’ no mistake! Yarrrrrr!”

The weekend cup action kicks off a schedule of five group games to be played over the next three months (5 November, 26 November, 10 December, 7 January and 21 January).

On each cup weekend Kenna teams will compete head to head to score the most goals, with three points awarded to the winner and one apiece if they draw.

The top four teams from each group will go through to the knockout phase, playing two legs in the last 16 in February, quarter finals in March, semi finals in April and the final taking place on the last day of the league season.

Group A

Sporting LesbianYoung Boys of Vauxhall

Group D

Lokomotiv LeedsPSV Mornington

Bala RinasHariy Fadjeetas

Week off – Piedmonte

League table

Kenna table wk 9 - 29 October 2013
Kenna table wk 9 – 29 October 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 40 2
2 Pikey Scum Jack 38 3
3 KS West Green Stix 38 2
4 Team Panda Rules OK George 35 1
5 St. Reatham FC Mike 33 1
6 Headless Chickens John N 32 0
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 2
8 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
9 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 27 2
10 Just put Carles Carles 27 0
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 24 3
12 FC Testiculadew James N 24 1
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 1
15 Piedmonte Phil 23 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 23 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 0
19 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 1
20 Young Boys Denney 16 0
21 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 15 1
22 PSV Mornington El Pons 15 1
23 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 15 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague
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Facebook teen changes ‘will unlock talent’

Reflection: The Young Boys manager stressed the importance of grooming teenagers (photo courtesy of Paul Walsh)

THE YOUNG Boys of Vauxhall manager has welcomed plans allowing teenagers to make their Facebook profile public.

Campaigners claim the changes to privacy settings will encourage cyberbullying and unsavoury interest from adults, but the Young Boys boss is convinced the added scouting potential will increase his team’s chances of identifying football talent and improve their chances of winning a second Kenna title.

The Welsh manager needs all the help he can get this season after suffering a catastrophe at the first transfer window earlier this month, despite signing in-form Andros Townsend.

He absentmindedly bought too many midfielders and fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling. The team’s best midfielder was removed by the league and replaced by Operation Yewtree suspect Rolf Harris as a forfeit.

A tactic to raise quick cash by selling Vincent Kompany also backfired when only £5m was paid for the Belgian by fellow strugglers St Reatham FC.

The Young Boys had to settle for an injured Martin De Michelis as replacement. The Argentine defender joins Harris, Townsend, Nathan Redmond and Sone Aluko as new signings at the club, which failed to climb above 18th place in the weekend back from the international break.

The Young Boys manager remains upbeat. He said: “Everyone knows that the secret to future success is to groom the best talent from an early age. These Facebook changes to teenage privacy settings will let us target boys as young as 13 – a key age in their development both as footballers and people.

“Some parents can be a little overprotective of their children at this age, but they shouldn’t be concerned. Here at the club we regularly help our youngest, most impressionable players to escape distractions and focus on their game. It’s just me, Rolf Harris and 10 Young Boys in a flat in Vauxhall. What could possibly be untoward about that?”

Headless Chickens maintained their grip on first place and remain top goal scorers despite not finding the net this week. The Chickens boss welcomed Facebook’s decision to allow beheading clips to return to the social media site.

“We were being discriminated against,” he said.

League table

Kenna table wk 8 - 23 October 2013
Kenna table wk 8 – 23 October 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Northern Monkeys Hugo 43 2
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 36 4
3 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 34 2
4 FC Testiculadew James N 33 3
5 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 33 2
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 31 1
7 KS West Green Stix 28 2
8 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 26 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Pikey Scum Jack 25 2
11 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 1
13 Newington Reds Dudley 24 0
14 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 22 1
15 Young Boys Denney 21 1
16 Headless Chickens John N 20 0
17 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 0
18 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 19 2
19 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
20 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 0
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 0
22 PSV Mornington El Pons 11 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Hazard, E – CHE – MID
Club Hairy Fadjeetas
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Tour de Partridge

Norwich rail station
Norwich: “Think about it. No one had ever heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. I mean, this could really put Norwich on the map.”

THREE days, two cyclists, one master of light entertainment.

With the summer fading fast Sutcliffe and I decided to finally get our act together and organise a cycling tour.

The Normandy landing beaches were too much to arrange in a week, so we went for something a lot more achievable: Norfolk, the home of Alan Partridge.

On Friday 6 September we found ourselves on a train from London Liverpool Street to Norwich mid-morning. Matters of accommodation and route had been taken care of by Sutcliffe.

We would take in the Norfolk countryside so eulogised by the fictional broadcaster, as well as a couple sights made famous by his work.

The account below will hopefully provide some useful advice to anyone planning a cycle trip in north Norfolk. It also contains references to Alan Partridge.

Day 1 – Norwich to Sheringham – 31 miles

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Having taken a few minutes outside Norwich rail station to inspect a map showing the extent of the city centre’s pedestrianisation, we set off heading north on the A140. I was on my Trek 1 Series road bike, Sutcliffe his mountain bike with slick tyres.

Just after passing Norwich Airport we bared left onto the B1149, going six miles past Horsford before turning right towards Oulton Street.

Three miles, a right and a left turn later we arrived outside Blickling Hall, or as Alan Partridge once tried to convince his Ukranian girlfriend, Bono’s house.

Blickland Hall
Blickland Hall: “This is Bono’s house, eureka. Those spiky trees I think are Joshua Trees.”

The Bucks Arms next door served adequate sandwiches – the bread was a little dry – and a good pint of Aspall cider. Or two.

Fed and watered we took in the National Trust property which boasts “the biggest collection of hatchbacks in the country” and “the sort of dog the Nazi’s used to chase Steve McQueen”.


We were still taking photos and worrying other visitors when it started to rain. Continuing north we went through Erpingham, Aldborough and Suested.

There is plenty of woodland here, and it was wet going in the narrow lanes as the raindrops dripped from the leaves above. By the time we got to Metton we were soaked.

A brief consultation in the pouring rain led to the decision to forego a visit to Cromer Pier, scene of the epic finale of Alpha Papa, and head straight to the youth hostel Sutcliffe had booked in Sheringham.

A soggy climb up through Great Wood vindicated the choice.

Sheringham youth hostel
Sheringham: “Youth hostelling with Chris Eubank.”

Pubs in Sheringham

Asking where was good to go in Sheringham at the counter in the youth hostel, the man behind it proudly informed us there were fishermen on the coast who couldn’t read or write. The enquiry was modified to include pubs.

It’s been a long-held view that seaside towns produce the worst pubs because they don’t need to produce good ones. When it’s sunny and everyone’s on holiday they’ll drink anywhere. Unfortunately we discovered this to be true of Sheringham.

The public bar in recent CAMRA winner the Windham Arms was the scene for first pint of the evening where there was a good range of beers and an excitable group of tradesmen playing pool.

Pint number two was in The Lobster, a pub more tourist-friendly but insipid. The Two Lifeboats on the seafront gave views of the sea, but the beer, the interior and the food all felt like it was assembled, fittingly, by Allen key.

We stopped into the Robin Hood for a nightcap on the way back – plenty of memorabilia on the walls, but like every other pub we visited lacked Friday-night zing.

Back at the hostel it turned out we were sharing the dormitory with a middle-aged man who spoke very passionately about welding. Sleep came in no time.

Day 2 – Sheringham to Hunstanton – 40 miles

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Don’t take the croissant option for breakfast at Sheringham youth hostel. Just don’t.

Sheringham fry up
Sheringham: “Minor criticism – the egg and the beans were too close together. They can mix, but I want that to be my decision. Use a sausage as a breakwater.”

A seven on ten fry up and a bright, sunny morning were an excellent start to day two.

Before leaving town I popped into the brilliantly-named Fudgetastic to pick up a present for the war office – whose indifference towards to middle-distance cycling is dwarfed only by her indifference towards Alan Partridge.

It turned out the friendly lady in the fudge shop was a huge Partridge fan. Apparently some of the cast of Alpha Papa stopped by after filming had finished at Cromer and she’d met Sean Pertwee. I got the impression she’d wanted to do a lot more than sell him fudge.

Setting off at 10am west along the A149 we reached Weybourne after three miles up and down along small rolling gradients.

Just after Weybourne is The Muckleburgh Collection, a private museum of tanks and other military hardware. With quite a few miles to cover that day, we decided not to part with the £8 entry fee and settled for a peek through the fence.

This was fortunate. Sutcliffe gets a bit intense around tanks…


At Kelling we bared left onto Wood Lane and climbed up to join a national cycle route. It was around six miles from Sheringham I realised my waterproof jacket was still in the youth hostel drying room.

Rather than add 12 miles to my day while Sutcliffe gloated and dozed in a hedgerow I decided to get them to post it to me later (which they did). Anyway, the weather showed no signs of rain…

We passed through Wiveton, Langham, Binham, stopped for some Terry’s Chocolate Orange on the River Stiffkey at Warham and headed into Wells-Next-The-Sea.

Warham chocolate orange
Warham: “You might find some superficial damage to the box, but the chocolate’s perfectly edible. I’ve given them to all the ladies I know aged fifty and under. Over fifty just seems sarcastic.”

The rest of the coast may have gone into hibernation for the winter, but Wells was alive with tourists.

On the sea front we stopped at The Golden Fleece for refreshment. It was Sutcliffe’s round so I didn’t really see the inside. It gave the impression of being a bit ‘dog on a string’. Sutcliffe quite liked it.

An aperitif later we decided to dine on the Albatross, a pub pancake Dutch boat moored at the quay. It was full of families and the crepes took 45 minutes to arrive. Sutcliffe seethed and I lost count of the number of times he used the phrase ‘sh1tting out kids’.

After lunch we took the tourist cycle route around Pinewood Holiday Park, which boasted many static homes but to the ear no air bass being played.


The ‘cycle’ route became very sandy. It would be inadvisable to attempt this on a road bike. Even Sutcliffe’s mountain bike struggled.

Back on tarmac, we took the A149 to Burnham Overy Staithe rather than the more well-cycled route through Holkham Hall because Sutcliffe wanted to revisit the holiday cottage of his youth. One flashback to his first experience with an older man later, we turned left up to Burnham Market.

Most of the local folk we’d met in Norfolk had been friendly, helpful and even glad to see us. The women in the shop in Burnham where we stopped to get ice cream had such appalling customer skills it felt like we hadn’t given her a much-hoped-for second series.

The weather was fresh and sunny for most of the day, but somewhere along Burnham Road near Cresent Wood the heavens opened.

Crescent Wood
Crescent Wood: “It’s funnier than rain!”

Having brought two waterproofs with him, Sutcliffe was overjoyed as I pulled on his budget poncho. We took refuge in a hedgerow for 10 minutes as the shower passed over.

Needless to say, I didn’t have the last laugh.

At Ringstead we turned right and having nearly completing the day’s ride stopped at a cafe by the lighthouse in Old Hunstanton for tea and cake. In Hunstanton we checked in to the youth hostel and hit town.

Pubs in Hunstanton

Hunstanton sunset
Hunstanton: “How long did you put that in for Lynn? It’s hotter than the sun!”

Yet further evidence to prove the ‘seaside town pubs are rubbish’ theory was to be found here.

We started with a pint in Waterside Bar which was full of all sorts of human life clinging on to the summer season. The pub did offer a good view from Hunstanton’s west-facing coast and the sunset.

Feeling peckish we dined in Fishers of Hunstanton – a fully-licensed fish and chip shop – for a mountain of tasty food and bottled Peroni. It being the interval, we washed down dinner with a couple of drinks at the Princess Theatre bar nearby before heading over the green to the Golden Lion Hotel.

Hunstanton: “Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war?”

Sitting amongst the retirees in the hotel bar, we were quietly enjoying that most precious commodity in Norfolk, free wifi, when an unusual noise came from behind Sutcliffe which for once didn’t originate from his alimentary canal.

The only other time I had heard the metallic, vibrating sound was during an episode of Alan Partridge when he meets the Hamilton’s Water Breaks video production team in the bar the night before filming.

I surpressed a few moments of inner mirth as it dawned on us that a man was using an electrolarynx. He left with his wife before we had a chance to offer him a pint of lager, a G&T and a Baileys.


Day 3 – Hunstanton to King’s Lynn – 20 miles

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Observations on youth hostels

Having not stayed in a British youth hostel since a school trip to Stone Henge, by Sunday morning I made some curious observations of that particular accommodation.

Youth hostels in Latin America and south east Asia, likely due to climate in those regions, are full of dark, exotic, young people, bright eyed and smiling. As ready to swig the local jungle juice as buy a pillow case full of marijuanua from friendly locals.

From the available evidence in Norfolk, the inhabitants of English hostels share the same wide eyes, but it’s more of a fixed stare, growing more vacant as drops of rain gather on the windows.

In place of bikinis, ethnic jewellery and ‘holas‘ are Berghaus jackets, Ordnance Survey maps and awkward social skills. Sutcliffe was in his element.

Sandringham: “You took that on the bus? Sonja, anyone who knows us might have thought it was me inside there. Me wearing a bear costume. They’d think I’d lost it again.”

After crushing Sutcliffe’s morale over 18 holes at Blackbeard’s Adventure Golf, we followed the A149 south (Lynn Road) for a couple of miles before turning left at the Norfolk Lavender Centre.

A brief push uphill to Sedgeford and we rejoined the national cycle route through Ingoldisthorpe, on to Sandringham House. We stopped to get our picture taken with an oversized squirrel.

The cycle route struck through a forest before hitting the A149, or a tarmac way parallel to the main road. Peeling off right the last few miles went through the quaint village of Castle Rising before the suburbs of King’s Lynn and the train station. We hadn’t seen a single BP petrol station in three days.

King's Lynn
King’s Lynn: “Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil Aerodrome. Properly policed, it must not, repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.”

Pubs in King’s Lynn

Enjoying status as an historic port, strategic coastal town and the birthplace of Alan Partridge, I always thought King’s Lynn would be a classy, Cheltenham-on-sea type of place. I was to be heavily disappointed.

Our chief concern was to find a good pub for lunch to celebrate the completion of our tour. Even with technology at our fingertips this was an impossible task.

Upon request a chubby policeman on duty in the pedestrianised town centre suggested Weatherspoons. The sun has certainly set on King’s Lynn’s glory days.

We decided to try the Crown and Mitre next to the River Ouse. Aside from the interesting pint of obsucre German lager, a poor choice. We weren’t from around those parts.

King's Lynn burger
King’s Lynn: “You feed beefburgers to swans.”

And so we fell into the beer garden at The Globe, a Weatherspoons pub bursting with the living wage and all the finesse of turning up to a funeral in a Castrol GTX bomber jacket.

Two beers and a burger later, with the theme tune from Black Beauty in our ears we returned to the station to bring our stay in Norfolk to a close.


For those thinking right now that a visit to Blickland Hall and a weekend cycling round Norfolk hardly constitutes a ‘Tour de Partridge’, I’ll leave you with the words of Alan himself: “You could try Watchdog, but I think they’ve got bigger fish to fry.”

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Coming round he knew he had at least broken a rib. His shoulders ached too and he could feel his wrists burning behind his back. The cold concrete pressed against his cheek, the throbbing in his ankles. He was bound to a chair, upturned so that he was lying on the floor in a sitting position. His head hurt.

As the synapses of his mind came to terms with the situation his heart pounded in his chest. Why was this happening? He tried to think back to his last memory but his mind was ablaze and it just made the pain in his head even worse. He opened his eyes.

A wall. Cold and unforgiving like the floor on his face. Mouth dry, except the blood, his blood, he could taste. Blood and, was that turrón? It hadn’t been long since he’d last snacked.

Minutes passed. He cast his mind back over the evening. He was on a business trip in Boston. The flight from London was pleasant. It was on the firm. The conference had been work, but interesting, and there were some good people, with chat and laughs and company credit cards behind the bar.

That seemed like another era now. It smelt of damp and there were no windows so he assumed he was in cellar or basement or whatever English speakers called them. The light was dim so guessed it came from a single, low watt bulb somewhere behind him. He tried to move but immediately whatever bound him cut into wrists and ankles. He wondered if he’d ever see Mornington Crescent again.

Slowly moving his head around to try and see what was behind him he froze with fear. Standing right there was a silent person looking down. The silhouette of the light kept the stranger’s face in darkness, but he could make out an athletic figure and the glint of a knuckleduster.

“Where am I?” he began to demand, but his mouth and throat were so dry he choked on the words.

The shadowy figure took a step back and the creak suggested he’d taken a seat on a table, saying nothing.

“What do you want from me? I have money. Take it. Just please let me go. I haven’t done anything. I don’t know who you are,” the adrenalin was firing now and the pain all over his body numbed a little as he pleaded. The stranger was unmoved.

“People know I’m here. When I don’t turn up tomorrow questions will be asked. They’ll come looking for me. I was the website’s top salesman last year. I’m a big deal. It’ll be reported back to Spanish embassy. You’ll be in big trouble,” the last threat was a bluff, no Castilian diplomat would ever concern himself with a missing Catalan, but he had to try something to get this man to talk. The suspense was killing him.

The stranger took a deep breath. “How are PSV Mornington getting on?” he asked in a southern drawl. He may have been asking the time.

“PSV? My football team?” he spluttered. Whoever the American was he was well briefed.

“Only I heard you weren’t faring too well this season,” said the American. Texas. That was the accent.

“Well, the season is only just beginning. Gutierrez and Cazorla are returning from injury, and Charles N’Zogbia will surely find form soon,” this was surreal, under the circumstances the last thing he expected to be explaining away was his team’s lack of creative spark in midfield.

“You didn’t feel you could improve your team?” said the Texan.

Panic. Blind panic like he’d never experienced before gripped his whole body. The tensed muscles pinched his broken rib and he let out a small gasp. A tear formed in his eye.

“Because if my team was bottom of the Kenna League,” continued the sinister stranger, “I would probably make changes at the first available opportunity. I would at least front up to wear the Bramble jersey.”

He knew only too well where this was going and the outlook wasn’t good. It was clear this American was acting on behalf of Kenna HQ. Rumours were everywhere of the ruthlessness of the league’s manager experiences department. Stories of players mysteriously disappearing in the night from team hotels or managers returning home to find the family pet nailed to the floor were far from uncommon.

“Okay, okay, I know I missed the transfer window. It’s just, I felt I couldn’t improve the team and this trip took priority. And I didn’t want to face the shame of wearing the Bramble jersey,” he admitted.

“I may have to teach you something about priorities,” said the Texan and with that knelt down behind the chair.

There was a swish of movement. The stranger grabbed his head with one hand and with the other used a pair of pliers to take hold of the manager’s front tooth.

“No! No!” screamed the PSV manager into the American’s tool. Tears were rolling onto the concrete.

“Where will you be for the February transfer window?” demanded his interrogator.

“I think I’m due to speak at a dinner for Catalans UK,” the American took firmer grip of his head. “No, no wait! I’ll be at the window. I promise, I’ll be at the window!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, absolutely. I’ll be at every Kenna event from now on. I promise,” he pleaded.

The Texan maintained the position in silence for 30 seconds or so, as the manager felt the cold steel of the pliers in his mouth and a warm sensation fill his trousers.

“You see that you do. These bruises will heal, but a missing tooth, that’s a lot of work for your dentist. Don’t go to the police. You were never here, chorizo boy.”

With that, the Texan released his tooth, quickly cut the ropes around his wrists and left the room with an aplomb the PSV manager thought he recognised from the football pitch.

Just before he passed out from the pain and the shock, he caught a glimpse of the stranger’s face in the dim light of the bulb.

Of course. It was Clint Dempsey.

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Kenna League less than a fifth English


THE KENNA League is only 17 per cent English, according to Jack Wilshere.

Only four managers come from below the Watford Gap to qualify as English under the midfielder’s nationality test.

The largest portion of managers, 52 per cent, fail to meet Wilshere’s English test point blank as they hail from ‘the Norf’.

Another 13 per cent of managers who come from Wales were dismissed as ‘facking sheep shaggers’.

Of the rest of the league 13 per cent are Catalan – or in Wilshere’s opinion ‘facking Spanish in’it, sangria cants’ – and four per cent Somali.

Wilshere, who is currently signed for Kenna outfit Judean Peoples’ Front, said: “It’s a facking disgrace all these Johnny Foreigners comin’ over here with a soppy bollocks brand of football. If it were up to me we’d put ’em all on the banana boat they came here on and send the buggers ‘ome.

“I don’t trust these Spanish. I heard they eat their tea at midnight. What the fack is that about? That’s over six hours after you’re s’pose to. And I mean seriously, a Somali? In London? Who does ‘e think ‘e is? Mo bleedin’ Farah? I actually quite respect Mo for ‘is runnin’ and stuff, although if me daughter brought ‘im home that would be a different facking story.”

Jack Wilshere’s English test includes eating pie and mash, smoking ‘Silk facking Cat’ and walking like ‘a bit of a geezer’.

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Chairman: The Kenna wants Januzaj

Adnan Januzaj
Half an hour after a Kenna window in which no one mentioned Adnan Januzaj had closed, managers watched the winger score two goals on a pub telly (photo courtesy of Sabrina M. Ramadhani)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

THE CHAIRMAN has revealed that the Kenna is one of several leagues keen to sign up Adnan Januzaj.

The Belgium-born, 18-year-old marked his full debut on Saturday with a match-winning brace and is already being touted as a possible candidate for the PFA Young Player of the Year.

But Januzaj, who is of Kosovan descent, is eligible to play for a number of different leagues already: Belgium, Albania and Turkey among them.

Speaking outside Kenna HQ, the chairman said: “Obviously the Kenna is made up of 23 of the finest managerial footballing brains in Europe, so clearly this boy Janachuck or whoever has been on our radar for some time.

“I can confirm that the only reason he hasn’t been signed by one of our managers is because of confusion over his eligibility and nothing at all to do with them not knowing anything about him. That suggestion really is laughable. I’m sure I speak on behalf of everyone in the Kenna when I say ‘Adam Janachuck, remember the name’.”

Asked if the Kenna had ever been in touch over Januzaj, the youngster’s parents replied: “A few seasons ago, the Young Boys manager offered to show him some puppies in a disused farm building, but we’ve heard nothing more from the Kenna until now.”

It’s understood that Kenna blazers are now hastily drawing up dossiers to discredit the “dubious claims of Belgium, Albania and Turkey.”

League table

Kenna table wk 7 - 8 October 2013
Kenna table wk 7 – 8 October 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 34 2
2 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 31 1
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 28 1
5 Piedmonte Phil 28 1
6 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 24 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
8 Newington Reds Dudley 23 2
9 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 22 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 1
11 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
12 Pikey Scum Jack 20 1
13 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 20 1
14 Young Boys Denney 19 0
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 0
16 Northern Monkeys Hugo 17 0
17 KS West Green Stix 15 1
18 PSV Mornington El Pons 15 0
19 FC Testiculadew James N 14 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 14 0
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 13 0
22 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 12 1
23 St. Reatham FC Mike 12 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Remy, L – NEW – STR
Club Newington Reds
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Kenna bosses hit back after ‘nancy’ jibe

Hercule Poirot
Whodunnit: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager claims mystery injuries kept him from the transfer window. Kenna HQ has denied any wrongdoing (photo courtesy of Vicki12692)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

PROTESTS have flooded into the homely surrounds of Kenna HQ following calls for a cull of managers.

The deluge comes after it had been suggested in some quarters that team bosses are more interested in lifting shirts than silverware. Saturday saw the poorest turnout at a Kenna transfer window in years.

Leading the outcry is a battered and bruised Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

Speaking through an electrolarynx he said: “It was a Friday night drinking injury that caused my Kenna non-attendance, not a lack of commitment. I’ve got a big fat lip and a face that has swollen out of all proportions.”

Saying that he “probably fell” and that the night was a “bit blank”, the SDKY chief, who has had well-publicised disagreements with Kenna hierarchy in the past, added: “The timing is a bit too convenient if you ask me. It looks like some kind of Kenna dirty tricks campaign to keep me from the title.”

SDKY currently occupy 17th position in the league table, just four places above the relegation zone.

Kenna HQ indicated managers failing to attend the February transfer window could be subject to increased entry fees next season.

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How many roads must a manager walk down

Gestapo interrogation
Serious questions: Managers’ commitment to the Kenna is under review after a poor turnout at yesterday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of josedios)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

THE KENNA’S sexuality has been called into question as just eight managers turned out for the first transfer window of the season – a record low since the league expanded to double figures.

And in scenes reminiscent of the graveyard shift at BBC World only a handful of players changed hands in the first two hours of the event on the upper floor of a south London boozer.

Fans’ groups are now demanding root and branch reform at Kenna HQ starting with a cull of ‘otherwise engaged’ bosses.

The league quickly cranked its PR machine in to gear in an attempt to deflect the criticism, with the St Reatham FC boss fronting the backlash.

Skyping in from Woking he said: “We’re all 110 per cent fully committed to the Kenna, but Saturdays are difficult with so many distractions.

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to go now, my mum says dinner is ready and Strictly is on in half an hour.”

Kenna chiefs have yet to comment on the debacle but a source close to the league said: “This is yet another example of useless Kenna blazers losing the plot. Even the 50p game was so embarrassed it only made a brief appearance.”

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Kenna window sparks Royal Mail meltdown

Kenna HQ doormat
Groaning: The Kenna HQ doormat struggles under the weight of transfer requests

ROYAL Mail chiefs last night warned of further disruption to services after the Kenna transfer window was blamed for bringing the postal system to the brink of collapse.

Managers notifying the league of their unwanted players by mail ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window caused an unprecedented surge in correspondence.

As of this morning, Kenna HQ has received 11 letters from managers eager to get their hands on the £10m transfer kitty bonus for getting their requests in by post before today’s deadline. The volume of mail is expected to double today.

The £10m bonus will be added to the remaining funds from managers’ £100m budget from the Kenna pre-season auction. Gathered in the pub tomorrow at 3pm, the managers will bid against each other over unsigned footballers at the transfer auction to fill the gaps in their teams.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Christian Eriksen and Samuel Eto’o are set to top transfer window shopping lists.

The league chairman said: “This is the top, top, top level of football in the world and managers are keen to give themselves the best advantage as they look to freshen up their teams heading into winter. There’s a long way to go to the second, and last, transfer window of the season in February.

“I can confirm that I received a telephone call from the Royal Mail chairman Donald Brydon CBE who begged me to change Kenna rules since additional strain was being put on their services. It seems the volume of under-performing footballers’ names being sent by post was interrupting deliveries of vital, lifesaving equipment.

“I said to him ‘Don, calm down, it’s not like anyone’s lost a kidney. Also, stop using the phone, it’s bad for your business’.

“The call ended well. We’re playing golf next week.”

Photos of managers posting their submissions have flooded social media sites. A prize will be awarded for the best offerings. Here’s a pick of the entries so far:

JPF manager mail room
Going postal: Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager misuses the cricket-loving company dwarf
Useless Kenna blazers
Seeing red: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager shakes his fist at ‘the ivory tower
London 2012 stamp
Instant forfeit: The Young Boys manager owes the Kenna committee a round of drinks at tomorrow’s transfer window for using official London 2012 branding
St Reatham post
PR opp: The St Reatham FC manager attempts to rebuild his public image after being plagued by unsavoury allegations earlier this year
The Queen
Queen of football clubs: Her Maj is pressed into service by league leader the Headless Chickens manager
Reading boozers
Pitcher and Piano: The Team Panda Rules OK manager advertises the poor choice of pubs in Berkshire’s county town
Cock drawing
Cock and balls: FC Testiculadew stationery adheres to strict brand guidelines
Fadges post
Knit: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager
Jimmy Savile
Ride of his life: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager felt it appropriate to include this photo with his transfer request
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Man in the Window

Nani Michael Jackson
Don’t matter if you’re black or white. Or eight: Nani could face the door at Team Panda Rules OK for his statuesque performances (photo courtesy of thesparrowman)

THE MICHAEL Jackson statue removed from Craven Cottage last week is being lined up as a like-for-like replacement for Nani ahead of this Saturday’s first Kenna transfer window.

The Portuguese winger has failed to make an impact for Kenna newbies Team Panda Rules OK and the manager is taking no prisoners.

“That shabby tribute to the King of Pop has shown as much movement this season as, well, that shabby tribute to the King of Pop,” complained the Panda manager, as he prepared to table a bid for the statue to owner Mohamed Al-Fayed.

The Egyptian business magnate declined to comment.

This desperation is just the tip of the iceberg in the Kenna as managers prepare for the new format of transfer window on the weekend.

Having bought eleven players each at the pre-season auction, the window is one of only two chances in the campaign for managers to freshen up their teams. A second window is held in early February.

Club’s will release unwanted players by Friday before representatives congregate in the pub to fill their teams at auction.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Ross Barkley and Morgan Amalfitano are among the unsigned players whose form will see them top manager’s shopping lists.

In the league, Headless Chickens maintained their lead at the top of the table this week with more goals from Yaya Toure and Gylfi Sigurdsson.

Luis Suarez’s two-goal return has lifted This is Sparta…Prague off the bottom of the table.

Rough guide to the transfer window

  1. Notify the league of the players you want to release by Friday to get a bonus.
  2. You will get a £10m bonus for submitting your released players by post to Kenna HQ, or £5m for doing so by any other means of communication.
  3. You start the transfer night with the money you have left from your initial £100m, plus any bonus from getting your transfers in on time.
  4. To begin with, auction lots will be drawn at random from the pot of released players.
  5. Whatever your released player fetches at auction will be added to your funds.
  6. The Titus Bramble ruling applies. Any manager without funds to fill their team spending the minimum of £0.5m on each player will have their most expensive player removed.
  7. If no one buys your released player you can either keep them or let them go on a free. However, if someone buys that player later in the window you will get whatever is paid for them.
  8. Once all the released players have gone to auction, a set number of available players will be auctioned in order of most points scored.
  9. Once the set list is exhausted, managers with gaps in their teams to fill will take it in turns to introduce remaining players to auction.
  10. Each manager has one wildcard that can be played at any time during the transfer window.
  11. The wildcard allows you to release any player in your team at a moment’s notice.
  12. You will not receive a bonus if you do not release any players.

League table

Kenna table wk 6 - 1 October 2013
Kenna table wk 6 – 1 October 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 35 2
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 34 2
3 FC Testiculadew James N 31 1
4 Headless Chickens John N 27 2
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 0
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 1
7 St. Reatham FC Mike 24 1
8 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 23 2
9 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 2
10 Piedmonte Phil 19 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 0
12 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 17 0
13 Team Panda Rules OK George 17 0
14 Newington Reds Dudley 16 1
15 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 14 1
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
17 KS West Green Stix 13 1
18 Just put Carles Carles 11 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 11 0
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 9 0
21 Young Boys Denney 8 0
22 Northern Monkeys Hugo 7 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
Club Bala Rinas
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