Northern Monkeys manager admits to concerns about Eto’o and Borini

Samuel Eto'o
Up yours: Samuel Eto’o had a clear message in response to his manager’s comments (credit: Show Racism the Red Card)

NORTHERN Monkeys’ last 16 cup draw at Rapids De Cullons was overshadowed this week by an extraordinary row over a series of unguarded but highly disparaging remarks by the manager about the club’s strikers.

The Northern Monkeys boss was recorded by the French television company Canal Plus in what he thought was a private conversation with the owner of a Swiss Toblerone, thought to be the St Reatham FC manager.

“I have a team but no striker,” said the Monkeys manager. “The problem at Northern Monkeys is that we are lacking a goalscorer. I have one [Samuel Eto’o] but he is 32, possibly 35, who knows?”

The remark about Eto’o is understood to be a reference to the supposed doubt about the true age of some African players.

The other Northern Monkeys striker Fabio Borini was not mentioned in the same sentence as the word ‘goalscorer’.

The club has not disputed the authenticity of the manager’s comments but are adamant that they were supposed to be light-hearted and not meant for broadcast or publication.

Northern Monkeys have scored 27 goals this season, one less than their Canesten Combi Cup opponents Rapids De Cullon. The two sides meet in the first leg of their last 16 tie this weekend.

In a first for world football, the ties were drawn this Wednesday evening on a moving train to an audience of a couple of cans of lager.

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures

Rapids De Cullons v Northern Monkeys

Dynamo Charlton v Newington Reds

St Reatham FC v Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda Rules OK v Bala Rinas

Judean Peoples’ Front v KS West Green

Headless Chickens v Spartak Mogadishu

FC Testiculadew v This is Sparta…Prague

PSV Mornington v Hairy Fadjeetas

The copy for this article was stolen from…

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Kenna cellar soundproofed

Cellar soundproofed
The Fritzl Suite: The chairman at work beneath league HQ

THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.

The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.

Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.

The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.

Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.

In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.

Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.

“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.

“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.

Cup fixtures announced

The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.

A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.

“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.

In the pot

Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK

Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC

Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds

Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds

Last 16

First leg – Tuesday 5 March

Second leg – Tuesday 18 March

Quarter finals

First leg – Tuesday 25 March

Second leg – Tuesday 1 April

Semi finals

First leg – Tuesday 15 April

Second leg – Tuesday 22 April


Tuesday 13 May

Kenna table

Kenna wk 25 - 26 February 2014
Kenna wk 25 – 26 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
2 St. Reatham FC Mike 39 3
3 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 35 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 35 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 34 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 1
7 Newington Reds Dudley 32 1
8 Young Boys Denney 28 0
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 0
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 26 2
11 Piedmonte Phil 26 0
12 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 2
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 22 1
15 Headless Chickens John N 21 1
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 20 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 0
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 15 1
20 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 0
22 KS West Green Stix 8 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Team Panda Rules OK
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Kenna League agrees lucrative Metro Bank sponsorship deal

Metro Bank deal
M-People: Soon after this photo was taken Metro Man was heard to invite the Kenna chairman for a ‘cheeky Tuesday livener’

METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.

The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.

Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.

“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.

There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.

“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.

The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.

Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”

City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.

In the league this week, Young Boys climbed out of the relegation zone for the first time in 10 weeks.

The feat was attributed to new signing Emmanuel Adebayor enjoying one of his three good weeks of the season. Months of underperformance lie ahead.

Kenna table

Kenna table wk 24 - 18 February 2014
Kenna table wk 24 – 18 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 48 1
2 Young Boys Denney 42 3
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 3
4 Newington Reds Dudley 38 1
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 38 0
6 Piedmonte Phil 37 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 36 3
8 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 36 1
9 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 32 2
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 28 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 28 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 26 2
13 FC Testiculadew James N 26 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 24 0
16 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 1
17 KS West Green Stix 22 1
18 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
19 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 19 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 18 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Pikey Scum
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Busy pubs and bad jokes

Bramble jersey Feb14 anon
Chin, chin: Having been awarded the Bramble Jersey by the Kenna chairman, the former PSV Mornington manager (right) hit the bar and made no signings. He stands accused of ‘presenteeism’

A SOMALI, a Jew, two Catalans, three Welshmen and nine blokes who once considered it their capital city walk into a London pub.

It’s not the start of an inappropriate joke, but what happened last Friday night when Kenna League managers gathered for the season’s second transfer window.

Over three hours in the busy bar of The Enterprise in Holborn, nearly 40 football players went under the hammer as managers shouted above the din of brisk trade.

For those that turned out there was plenty to whet the appetite.

Sporting Lesbian laid £15m on Wilfred Zaha, the most expensive player of the evening.

Bala Rinas, in the mix for a first league title, splashed just £1m less on the formerly unfashionable Marouane Chamakh, and were immediately rewarded with a goal this week.

Despite grumblings afterwards about connectivity, the Headless Chickens manager was able to Whatsapp in from an Austrian skiing chalet to scoop Kostantinos Mitroglu for £14m, and keep the team’s title hopes alive.

At the other end of the table, Young Boys were ringing the changes in a bid to escape relegation. Among seven new players was another £14m signing of the evening in the shape of Emmanuel Adebayor.

It was a typically haphazard night for fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu.

Much to everyone’s amusement, the Pirates manager signed Danny Graham in earnest, but then realised the striker was ineligible to score points while languishing on the banks of the River Tees.

Graham was quickly tossed overboard under the new wildcard ruling, which allows any manager to dispense of one player at random during the window.

As an intermediary battled the miserable London winter to make five signings for Just Put Carles, the manager tweeted a photo of himself on the beach in Antigua.

When the Catalan returns from the Caribbean imagine just how much colder and wetter the runway at Heathrow will be when he discovers his new striker is Shola Ameobi.

The concerning trend of absenteeism, so prevalent at – or not at – October’s window, gave way to new far more dangerous practice on Friday: presenteeism.

Harold Shipman
Just a little prick: Harold Shipman was one of the notorious criminals revealed as part of the Titus Bramble Pub XI

The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.

It just goes to show the pressure of propping up the Kenna table can never be underestimated.

With the window closing at around 10.30pm to end transfer business for the season, managers were left to open the envelopes containing the mystery forfeit Titus Bramble players.

Made up of some of the most high-profile deviants of the last 20 years, the inappropriate jokes could finally begin.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 23 - 13 February 2014
Kenna table week 23 – 13 February 2014

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 49 3
2 St. Reatham FC Mike  40 3
3 Newington Reds Dudley 40 2
4 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 38 2
5 Piedmonte Phil 36 2
6 Pikey Scum Jack 34 2
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 32 2
8 FC Testiculadew James N 31 0
9 KS West Green Stix 31 0
10 Young Boys Denney 30 1
11 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 25 3
12 Just put Carles Carles 25 0
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 0
14 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 23 2
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 1
16 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 22 0
17 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 21 2
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo  19 0
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 1
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
21 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
22 Team Panda Rules OK George 11 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 7 0
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 17 Hazard, E – CHE – MID  
    Club Hairy Fadjeetas  
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Danny Graham survives scrape with Pirates

Pirates plank
Released: When the Pirates realised Danny Graham was no longer eligible for the Kenna League they tossed him off (credit: Pirate Johnny).

By the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

A FLEET of Royal Navy ships has been deployed off the north east coast in an attempt to ward off the possibility of further pirate attacks following the brief abduction of a Middlesbrough football player.

Danny Graham had only just transferred to Boro from Kenna League team Still Don’t Know Yet when the incident happened on Friday night.

A pirate raiding party sailed up the River Tees to the club’s Riverside Stadium, where a landing party disembarked, captured the striker, and took him back on board.

However, after realising that Graham was ineligible to play for anyone but Middlesbrough (and useless at football so of little use for ransom), he was swiftly released almost as suddenly as he was captured.

“Yaaarrrrr, t’was an administrative error,” said a pirate spokesman as their ship sailed back towards Somalia.

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Kenna chiefs slammed as ‘self-interested Luddites’

Transfer night in The Enterprise
Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for Friday night’s transfer window.

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

TWO of the Kenna’s current powerhouses reacted with dismay after the season’s second transfer window descended in to farce on Friday evening. 

Hairy Fadjeetas and Headless Chickens – two of the league’s so-called Big Four – were frozen out of proceedings as managers scrambled to fine tune or radically overhaul their teams in readiness for the business end of the season.

Accusations from the two mangers centre on the fact that league chiefs were unable to organise a piss up in a brewery/use Skype to allow team bosses on overseas scouting missions to bid for players. Skype has been the preferred method of bidding in abstentia for a number of years.

Speaking from an Alpine retreat, the Headless Chickens manager said: “Those at the top need to ask themselves some serious questions. Why we couldn’t engage in proceedings using a freemium voice-over-IP service and instant messaging client, I don’t know.

“I was asked to take part in what could be a season-defining auction using Whatsapp, that’s the digital equivalent of a carrier pigeon. They’re just self-interested Luddites.”

And the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, who recently fired a foul-mouthed salvo across the bows of Kenna HQ, added: “It’s not often that I feel like writing a strongly worded letter, but I am rather annoyed. C*nts.”

Kenna transfers nights are no strangers to controversy. During the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction, the Horn of Africa threatened to resign his commission after a series of blunders while the very same evening saw the introduction of the pernicious practice known as tactical Brambling – the unloved brainchild of the current FC Testiculadew boss.

The Kenna chairman said: “Promises were made about wifi that weren’t kept.”

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Fadges boss ‘does a Kinnear’

Joe Kinnear Kenna word cloud1
Saxon the beach: A word cloud from the Hairy Fadjeetas manager’s press conference today (courtesy of CiaranJ75)

THE Hairy Fadjeetas manager has launched an expletive-ridden tirade in response to criticism of his approach to tomorrow’s Kenna League transfer window.

Labelling several Kenna figures as a rude word associated with a lady’s part, criticising league rivals and getting several of his players’ names wrong, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager held a press conference the likes of which football has never seen before*.

The pressure of his first genuine Kenna title challenge appeared to have rattled the Fadges manager, whose team was was knocked off the top spot this week by FC Testiculadew.

Despite an underperforming strikeforce of Roberto Soldado and Javier Hernandez, the manager has come under fire from fans and the club for choosing not to release any players ahead of tomorrow’s last chance to make changes before the end of the season in May.

Speaking while on holiday in the Austrian Alps as to how he planned to push for his maiden Kenna title without freshening up his team, the Fadges manager spat out this furious tirade earlier today:

“Don’t you f*ck!ng start. Which one’s the Chairman? You’re a c*nt. And which one’s from Mogadoodoo? You’re out of order. I don’t have to stand for it. Trying to f*cking undermine my position are you? It’s going to my lawyers.

“Transfers? Why do I need to make transfers? Are you trying to say my squad isn’t f*cking good enough or that I can’t get anyone in? We’ve got a great side with that Aaron Ramsden and Gethin Bazzard holding things together. I spend my whole life picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? I can pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsene Wenger.

“And you can tell that Tactical Brambler… I’ve kept really quiet, but I’ll tell you something, he went down in my estimation when he did that – we have not resorted to that. But I’ll tell ya – you can tell him now if you’re watching it – we’re still fighting for this title, and he’s got to go to keep Dzeko scoring, and… and I tell you honestly, I will love it if we beat them, love it!

The list of available players for tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window has been published in The Rub.

Managers attending the window will be surprised to see some big names released this week. In particular, the Piedmonte manger, another pushing for his first Kenna title, jettisoned Samir Nasri – who returns from injury in a couple of weeks.

Defending Kenna champions Sporting Lesbian waved toodle pip to Stephen Jovetic.

The Young Boys of Vauxhall manager, looking to escape a relegation first, released six players, including Operation Yewtree’s Rolf Harris.

*Disclaimer: football may have seen a press conference like this before

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Manager to Skype in from Alpine hideout

Chobham Common
Road to perdition: The St Reatham FC manager has been wanted by police since Natalie Sawyer’s bloodied corpse was found on Chobham Common in April (photo courtesy of GanMed 64)

SUSPECTED murderer the St Reatham FC manager has admitted he will not be able to attend Friday’s Kenna transfer window in person for fear of being apprehended by authorities.

Speaking from his hideout in Switzerland, the manager said he would have to bid over Skype in the Kenna transfer auction while the heinous crime committed in south east England last year remains unsolved.

Surrey Police have wanted to question the current St Reatham manager since last April when the battered corpse of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer was found by a dog walker on Chobham Common.

Then in charge of Kenna club Woking, the manager was the last person seen with Ms Sawyer after a taking a punditry screen test for Sky Sports News.

A huge fan of Brentford Football Club, it is thought Sawyer was lured by the Surrey man into his car with the promise of showing her some Bees memorabilia.

Many thought the pressure of poor performances in the league, which saw the Woking manager take the Bramble jersey at the transfer window this time last year, had led to him savagely beating the sports anchor to death.

Their manager on the run, Woking finished bottom of the table in May.

Police later retrieved a tire iron and a Phil Collins CD – both smeared with the manager’s DNA and forensically linked to the crime scene – hidden behind some old training cones at the Woking practice ground.

The St Reatham FC manager said yesterday: “Due to my enforced stay in the non-EU safe haven of Switzerland, I have been unable to send a postcard [with players to be released].

“Until I can prove my innocence I’m confined to Basel. Therefore I will need to Skype in.”

Kenna managers had until today to submit their unwanted players to the league – by post for a transfer bonus of £10m or by any other communication for £5m.

Gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn on Friday evening, managers will fill the gaps in their teams at auction.

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FCT go top ahead of transfer window

Hugo Drax
Moonraking them dry: Once again the FC Testiculadew manager had been caught red handed watching unauthorised films using club equipment  (photo courtesy of lucy_sarson)

PANTOMIME villain the FC Testiculadew manager is wringing his hands in sinister fashion after leading his side to the top of the Kenna League.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Christian Benteke, Jonjo Shelvey and Kevin Mirallas saw FC Testiculadew cruise past a dismal performance from Hairy Fadjeetas.

The FCT manager is hunting for his second league title in just three years of competing in the Kenna.

Despite winning the league on debut by a record 129 points in the 2011/12 season, the manager is most well known for inventing the pernicious act of tactical Brambling – an underhand ploy to subvert the league’s forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.

In the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction, the FCT manager calculated that by deliberately springing the Titus Bramble ruling late in the auction under previous Kenna laws, he could free up funds and gain a financial advantage.

Kenna HQ has since brought in heavier penalties to discourage against tactical Brambling.

New regulations have not stopped the Olisdebe auction becoming known as the graveyard of the Kenna’s spirit.

The FCT manager has continued to be marked by his ruthlessness towards the Kenna and his unscrupulousness interpreting league regulations.

Speaking to media this morning outside the club’s Itchyballs Park training facility, the FCT manager said: “First there was the dream, now the reality. Here in the untainted cradle of the heavens will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens.”


Kenna table

Kenna table week 22 - 4 February 2014
Kenna table week 22 – 4 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 77 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 59 4
3 Newington Reds Dudley 58 1
4 Piedmonte Phil 57 3
5 KS West Green Stix 53 3
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 49 3
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 47 2
8 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 46 1
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 45 1
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 44 3
11 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 44 2
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 43 2
13 Just put Carles Carles 41 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 39 4
15 St. Reatham FC Mike 38 1
16 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 36 1
17 Young Boys Denney 36 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 32 2
19 Headless Chickens John N 31 1
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 0
21 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 23 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Pikey Scum
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Like Rat from a sinking rat

Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)

RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.

The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.

Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.

Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.

Samurai’s Danny Osvaldo is set to leave Newington Reds for Italy, Philipe Senderos will depart from Pikey Scum for Spain and the decision to ‘release Bryan’ is an expensive one for KS West Green.

Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.

FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.

As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.

Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.

Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.


Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox

Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet

Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green

Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton

Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum

Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green

Bramble tied

FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael

PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer

Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters

Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic

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