Bargains and flops of the Boumsong Euro 2016

What better way to predict an international football tournament than hold a fantasy football auction?

Just over a month ago, 11 Englishmen, three Welshmen, two Spaniards and a Somali walked into a pub with a £100m budget and a first eleven on their shopping lists.

English players, as they do on these occasions, attract exorbitant value. The heady mix of alcohol, football and hope proves too much.

Germans, Spaniards, Italians and French were the order of the day.

Icelandic and Welsh players (with the exception of one) were barely given a thought.

So how did that all pan out?

Bargain basement XI

Points: 287
Total cost: £22m

Poland, Wales and Portugal were the dark horses, making up more than half of the side. How on earth did anyone sign a first-choice Italian defender for point five?

At the time, £5m on Ramsey was seen as a Gunner’s folly.

Lloris, 28, £2m, Two Goals One Cup

Glik, 34, £5m, Up Yours Delors
Geurreiro, 32, £0.5m, FYR Leeds
Barzagli, 29, £0.5m, Dulwich Red Sox
Schar, 26, £2m, Barco FC
Ashley Williams, 25, £5m, Sporting Lesbian

Blaszczykowski, 25, £0.5m, DR Young Boys
Nainggolan, 22, £0.5m, Wandsworth Window Lickers
Ramsey, 28, £5m, Le Horn d’Afrique
Renato Sanches, 19, £0.5m, Dulwich Red Sox

Sigthorsson, 19, £0.5m, Sporting Lesbian

Pampered headphones XI

Points: 101
Total cost: £219m

Hardly a surprise to find four Englishmen here. A combined £59m for Kane and Rooney!

It was a disappointing four weeks for most-expensive signing Thomas Muller. Ozil’s form of the second half of the domestic season followed him into the tournament. Gotze’s World Cup winning performance didn’t.

Hart, 12, £9m, Napoleon Dynarod

Stones, 0, £9m, Le Horn d’Afrique
Darmian, 7, £11m, FYR Leeds
Ramos, 13, £16m, FYR Leeds

Ozil, 14, £25m, Blame Canada
Gotze, 7, £16m, Asturias FC
Mertens, 6, £12m, Sporting Lesbian
David Silva, 10, £22m, Dulwich Red Sox

Rooney, 12, £29m, DR Young Boys
Kane, 7, £30m, Cowley Caliphate
Muller, 13, £40m, Sporting Lesbian

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Tactical Brambler adds to bulging cabinet

WORLD champions FC Testiculadewland added to their already bulging trophy cabinet on Sunday with success in the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros.

Antoine Griezemann was wasteful in front of goal, but two appearance points was enough to defend the 12-point gap over Two Goals One Cup going into the final.

“Fools!” said the FCT manager famed for his ‘Tactical Brambling‘ stunt in the last Euros, “You think you can beat me? I am the dark lord of the fantasy football. Your shrivelled tactical knowledge and inability to spot an auction bargain have been your undoing yet again.

“Look at my bulging trophy cabinet. Look at it hard! Now touch it…No, further down…”

The Boumsong trophy joins the Dr Khumalo 2014 World Cup title and two domestic Kenna League championships on the manager’s groaning shelf.

Other Boumsong managers were only too happy to reflect widespread comments this was a tournament low on quality, as exemplified by Real Brexit.

“It hasn’t been a memorable tournament,” ruminated the chairman, who watched an alcohol and tear gas-soaked match in Marseille and saw his side Napoleon Dynarod end up midtable.

“But we have made one learning of absolute importance: even with two organised shots of moody spirit during the auction we only got two Brambles.”

Managers looking to next month’s Kenna auction have been forewarned.

Boumsong – final table

Full scores available from The Rub.

Boumsong - final table
Boumsong – final table

Boumsong team of the tournament – Bramble Rules (nationality)

Only one player per country is allowed. Bonucci and Schar are preferred in defence to Chiellini and Rodriguez since they offer better value.

Neuer, FCT, 41, £16m, Germany

Glik, Up Yours Delors, 34, £5m, Poland
Bonucci, Democratic Republic of Young Boys, 30, £15m, Italy
Schar, Barco FC, 26, £2m, Switzerland

Nani, Up Yours Delors, 43, £13m, Portugal
Bale, Two Goals One Cup, 32, £19m, Wales
Hazard, Sporting Lesbian, 27, £29m, Belgium
Perisic, Two Goals One Cup, 20, £15m, Croatia

Griezemann, FCT, 49, £19m, France
Morata, I Can Be Your Euro Baby, 23, £20m, Spain
Sigthorsson, Sporting Lesbian, 19, £0.5m, Iceland

Total points: 344

Total value: £153.5


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THE manager of Real Brexit has claimed the Liverpool Echo is responsible for his humiliating performance in the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros.

A ‘Moneyball’ guide to fantasy football at the Euros – suggesting less-fashionable players who could perform well in the tournament – was used by the Real Brexit manager to pick his team at the Boumsong auction on 12 June.

After the quarter final stage of the competition, the only team keeping Real Brexit from the bottom of the Boumsong table is Le Fadge Qui Rit (Balkan Fadge). The latter’s manager didn’t turn up to the auction and his side was automatically generated from leftover players.

“In good faith I followed the Liverpool Echo’s guide to the letter and it’s been my downfall,” said the manager who signed Romanian goalkeeper Ciprian Tatarusanu, Turkish midfielder Selcuk Inan and Northern Irish striker Kyle Lafferty all based on the guide’s advice.

The Liverpool Echo has distanced itself from Real Brexit’s plight.

Moneyball article author Paul Philbin said: “We clearly stated ‘using this philosophy won’t mean that the tournamnet’s star players will fill your side, but there is room for some.’ Where’s his Griezemann? Where’s his Bale?”

Real Brexit’s top performing players so far are Swiss defender Ricardo Rodriguez with 26 points and Gylfi Sigurdsson (23).

The manager is now trying to negotiate a reduction in Boumsong entry fees due to the result of the EU referendum.

In an email to unamused bailiffs from Boumsong headquarters, the manager said:

“These post-Brexit times are full of economic uncertainty, perhaps we could negotiate some short of rebate? Otherwise I may have to threaten to spend it on the NHS.

“Also have you investigated last year’s Kenna to see if the Spaniards were receiving a state subsidy? It’s surely the only explanation for my otherwise inexplicable relegation [from the domestic Kenna League in May].”

At the other end of the Boumsong, World Champions FC Testiculadewland eased into first place.

Manuel Neuer (40) and Antoine Griezemann (35) have led performances at FCT, assisted by Łukasz Piszczek (20) and Romelu Lukaku (20).

“It was only a matter of time before this happened,” said the rest of the league in unison reaching for the gin.

Boumsong table – 4 July 2016

For full scores and tables visit The Rub.

Boumsong table - 4 July 2016
Boumsong table – 4 July 2016
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Worst case scenario

THE England football result I can handle.

We all knew it would happen in the end.

In tournaments past an England exit left you feeling like you’ve had your insides kicked out. Now there’s just the grim resignation of watching your national side shuffle off once again. It’s almost developed into a dull, masochistic thrill.

No matter how talented the players and how far down the Fifa rankings the opposition, the evidence all points one way.

Spain on penalties in 1996. Denmark 3-0 in 2002. A Beckham free kick against Ecuador in 2006. Welcome to England’s knockout success in the last 20 years.

One national newspaper’s Euros preview called it exactly before the tournament. In a wry assessment of each team’s best and worst case scenarios, the latter for England read: ‘Whatever it is, this is what will actually happen.’

And it did. To a country where the tiny number of men aged 18 – 35 is crippled yet further by seasonal depression.

So England’s defeat last night by Iceland is an easy pill to swallow, like the one crushed up and slipped into your drink by Bill Cosby.

The football is painless.

If you really want a bunch of jingoistic, chest-beating shirkers in England shirts representing you in Europe – but ultimately making you feel like you’ve woken up with a headache and a grinning Dr Huxtable – you don’t have to look as far as France.

Boumsong table – 28 June 2016

Boumsong table - 28Jun16
Boumsong table – 28Jun16
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Tears before bedtime

I’VE never been tear gassed before.

By the look on faces of two Polish children outside Stade Velodrome on Tuesday afternoon, neither had they.

In the recent history of Marseille gassings this was small fry. In the history of all gassings unregistered.

But it did exemplify the heavy-handed police tactics of the Mediterranean coast.

Walking from the Vieux Port to the stadium to see Ukraine v Poland it’s impossible not to be sold beer. By the time fans reach the Velodrome it’s little wonder they’re up for some singing on the adjacent roundabout.

Of course, the city that wants you to drink beer in large amounts also employs a small army of stony-faced policemen who want to curb any signs of over exuberance.

When Polish fans let of a firework, the Provençal trigger-happy tear gas operator was only too willing to step in. It was lucky someone was on hand to sell us a beer to get over the sting.

As it turned out, that was the most exciting aspect of the fixture. The Polish reprezentacji were set out to defend deep. Although they dominated, the Ukrainians couldn’t find the net.

It took the Democratic Republic of Young Boys winger Kuba Błaszczykowski, coming on as a substitute, to break the deadlock. And in the process save us all another tear gassing on the way out.

Boumsong table – post group stage

Full scores available from The Rub.

Boumsong table - 23 June
Boumsong table – 23 June


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Boumsong table – 20 June

The chairman’s Clean Sheet Doctrine reaps rewards for goalless draws…

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Strikers failing to bother the top of the Boumsong

UP Yours Delors maintain a slender grip on the Boumsong top spot after the second round of matches.

Kamil Glik, Jan Vertonghen and Gerard Pique all kept clean sheets in a side not noted for its attacking intent.

Nani aside, none of the midfield or strike force have found the onion bag, or even peeled an onion for someone else.

“Can’t believe I’ve held onto top spot, but I don’t think it will last,” said the Up Yours Delors manager, in reference to his Swiss and Irish front two of Haris Seferovic and Jonathan Walters.

Giorgio Chiellini’s clean sheet and assist, Dele Alli’s assist and Gareth Bale’s pot shot give debutants Two Goals One Cup second place on goals scored.

Again, nothing comes from the front two. Robbie Keane and Marcus Berg have failed, and will probably keep failing, to make an impact on the tournament.

The first strikers with goals in the Boumsong table are in third place with Blame Canada. Admir Mehmedi joined Arkadiusz ‘ooh la la’ Milik on the score sheet in round two. Jordi Alba and Gianluigi Buffon are the team’s other standout players.

World champions FC Testiculadewland look dangerous in fourth. Romelu Lukaku shook off his domestic form to collect 12 points.

Meanwhile, in 16th place…

Boumsong table – round two

Full scores available from The Rub.

Boumsong table - round 2
Boumsong table – round 2
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Spies and perverts

A Catalan, a Pole and a Portuguese walk into a fantasy football team and go top of the Boumsong.

It’s no joke. Up Yours Delors are leaders after the first round of matches thanks to a goal and clean sheet from Gerard Pique, a clean sheet from Kamil Glik and a goal from Nani.

The joke is the handful of Russians darkening the tournament.

Quite how a weekend city break in Marseilles with balaclavas ‘beats’ 20 years of English hooliganism being the scourge of international football is unclear.

It also seems strange to spend every day from teenage life training in martial arts only to use it on a bunch of guys on the verge of type two diabetes who have been drinking all day.

The bad news is while Russia may get ejected from the tournament, there’s little chance of FIFA reversing the decision to hold the 2018 World Cup there.

England’s history of hooliganism is abhorrent and cannot be condoned, but it was so all-encompassing it led to huge penalties for the country’s FA and English became the language of hooliganism the world over.

The only people who want to learn Russian are spies and perverts.

Boumsong table – round 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Boumsong table - round 1
Boumsong table – round 1
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Le Fadge Qui Rit

Manager: Aiden

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: none

Formation: 4-4-2

Team automatically generated from leftover auction players after manager failed to attend

Sirigu, S ITA £0.5m
Clyne, N ENG £0.5m
Carvalho, R POT £0.5m
Ignashevich, S RUS £0.5m
Wawrzyniak, J POL £0.5m
Pedro ESP £0.5m
Cabaye, Y FRA £0.5m
Schurrle, A GER £0.5m
Mak, R SVK £0.5m
Benteke, C BEL £0.5m
Priskin, T HUN £0.5m
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I Can Be Your Euro Baby

Manager: Lewis (treasurer)

Nationality: Le Moutons Baiseur

International honours: none

Formation: 3-5-2

Subasic, D CRO £0.5m
Smalling, C ENG £10m
Howedes, B GER £9m
Taylor, N WAL £0.5m
Davis, S NIR £0.5m
de Bruyne, K BEL £23m
Hamsik, M SVK £16m
Forsberg, E SWE £2m
Silva, A POT £0.5m
Morata, A ESP £20m
Janko, M AUT £10m
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