Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article
Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked  by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012
Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 36 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 29 4
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 29 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 2
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 2
6 Woking Mike 27 0
7 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
8 FC Testicluadew James N 25 0
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 0
11 PSV Mornington El Pons 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 23 0
13 Just put Carles Carles 22 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 16 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 Newington Reds Dudley 15 0
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
19 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 15 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lambert, R – SOT – STR
Club Piedmonte
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Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S GK Dynamo Charlton £13m
Dunne, R DEF Greendale Rockets £3.5m
Hutton, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Warnock, S DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £2m
Holman, B MID Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
N’Zogbia, C MID Sporting Lesbian £6.5m
El Ahmadi, K MID Pikey Scum £3m
Ireland, S MID Woking £7m
Delph, F MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Agbonlahor, G STR PSV Mornington £7m
Bent, D STR Piedmonte £16m


Sorensen, T GK Woking £4m
Wilson, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £2m
Huth, R DEF Pikey Scum £5m
Shawcross, R DEF Spartak Mogadishu £11m
Upson, M DEF Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Delap, R MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Pennant, J MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1m
Kightly, M MID Greendale Rockets £5m
Etherington, M MID Newington Reds £6m
Walters, J STR Lokomotiv Leeds £7m
Crouch, P STR FC Testicluadew £2m


Taylor, N DEF Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Rangel, A DEF Newington Reds £3m
Williams, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £3.5m
Michu MID Sporting Lesbian £2.5m
Routledge, W MID Headless Chickens £1m
Britton, L MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Sinclair, S MID FC Testicluadew £11m
Dyer, N MID Piedmonte £10m
Lita, L STR Vasco De Beauvoir £20m
Graham, D STR Dynamo Charlton £10m

West Brom

Foster, B GK Sporting Lesbian £6.5m
McAuley, G DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £0.5m
Olsson, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tamas, G DEF Woking £5.5m
Morrison, J MID Still Don’t Know Yet £2.5m
Brunt, C MID Pikey Scum £4m
Mulumbu, Y MID Newington Reds £1.5m
Lukaku, R STR Spartak Mogadishu £14m
Odemwingie, P STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £6m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

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Kenna club guide – East and South

Immediately identify Kenna players in east and south Premier League clubs: Norwich, Reading and Southampton.


Ruddy, J GK FC Testicluadew £1.5m
Pilkington, A MID Headless Chickens £3.5m
Snodgrass, R MID Dynamo Charlton £6.5m
Hoolahan, W MID Hairy Fadjeetas £2.5m
Holt, G STR Bala Rinas £9m


Federici, A GK Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Harte, I DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £10m
Pearce, A DEF Northern Monkeys £3m
McCleary, G MID Hairy Fadjeetas £0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P STR Pikey Scum £8.5m


Gazzaniga, P GK PSV Mornington £4.5m
Clyne, N DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £6m
Lallana, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £14m
Sharp, B STR Woking £1.5m
Lambert, R STR Piedmonte £13m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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Kenna club guide – North east

Immediately identify Kenna players in north east Premier League clubs: Newcastle and Sunderland.


Krul, T GK Spartak Mogadishu £21m
Ferguson, S DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £1m
Santon, D DEF Sporting Lesbian £4m
Williamson, M DEF Greendale Rockets £4m
Taylor, S DEF Dynamo Charlton £5m
Simpson, D DEF FC Testicluadew £6.5m
Coloccini, F DEF Piedmonte £10m
Taylor, R MID Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Marveaux, S MID Bala Rinas £2m
Gutierrez, J MID Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Tiote, C MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Ben Arfa, H MID Hairy Fadjeetas £6.5m
Cabaye, Y MID Woking £17m
Ba, D STR PSV Mornington £17m
Cisse, P STR Northern Monkeys £15m


Mignolet, S GK Hairy Fadjeetas £5.5m
Brown, W DEF PSV Mornington £3m
Bardsley, P DEF Headless Chickens £2.5m
Cuellar, C DEF Dynamo Charlton £4m
O’Shea, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £5.5m
Johnson, A MID Piedmonte £4.5m
McClean, J MID Bala Rinas £14m
Cattermole, L MID Still Don’t Know Yet £2.5m
Sessegnon, S MID Sporting Lesbian £13m
Larsson, S MID Woking £9m
Campbell, F STR Spartak Mogadishu £0.5m

London club guide

North west club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.


Howard, T GK Newington Reds £8m
Baines, L DEF Woking £22m
Distin, S DEF Northern Monkeys £6m
Neville, P DEF Bala Rinas £4m
Jagielka, P DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £7.5m
Heitinga, J DEF PSV Mornington £6m
Hibbert, T DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Osman, L MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Fellaini, M MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Pienaar, S MID FC Testicluadew £12m
Jelavic, N STR Judean Peoples’ Front £21m


Reina, P GK Greendale Rockets £16m
Agger, D DEF Bala Rinas £15m
Skrtel, M DEF Newington Reds £17m
Enrique, J DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £13m
Carragher, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £0.5m
Johnson, G DEF Piedmonte £8m
Downing, S MID Pikey Scum £8m
Gerrard, S MID Still Don’t Know Yet £15m
Leiva, L MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Henderson, J MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Allen, J MID Woking £7m
Borini, F STR Vasco De Beauvoir £19m
Suarez, L STR Sporting Lesbian £36m

Manchester City

Hart, J GK Judean Peoples’ Front £22m
Savic, S DEF Bala Rinas £10m
Zabaleta, P DEF Greendale Rockets £7m
Kompany, V DEF Headless Chickens £18m
Lescott, J DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £12m
Richards, M DEF Woking £12m
Milner, J MID Newington Reds £0.5m
Silva, D MID Just put Carles £32m
Nasri, S MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Toure, Y MID FC Testicluadew £21m
Balotelli, M STR Still Don’t Know Yet £23m
Aguero, S STR Sporting Lesbian £12m
Adebayor, E STR Pikey Scum £0.5m
Tevez, C STR Dynamo Charlton £30m
Dzeko, E STR Northern Monkeys £1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D GK Pikey Scum £19m
Ferdinand, R DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £6.5m
Evra, P DEF Spartak Mogadishu £15m
Jones, P DEF Headless Chickens £9.5m
Vidic, N DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Rafael DEF Piedmonte £2m
Kagawa, S MID Lokomotiv Leeds £26m
Nani MID Bala Rinas £15m
Carrick, M MID Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Valencia, A MID Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Cleverley, T MID Northern Monkeys £8.5m
Young, A MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Rooney, W STR Greendale Rockets £38m
Welbeck, D STR Just put Carles £7m
Hernandez, J STR Woking £5.5m
van Persie, R STR Still Don’t Know Yet £35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A GK Vasco De Beauvoir £2.5m
Figueroa, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Boyce, E DEF Pikey Scum £0.5m
Alcaraz, A DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Miyaichi, R MID Newington Reds £5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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Kenna club guide – London

Immediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham


Szczesny, W GK Wandsworth Window Lickers £19m
Gibbs, K DEF Sporting Lesbian £15m
Sagna, B DEF Pikey Scum £11m
Koscielny, L DEF Spartak Mogadishu £17m
Vermaelen, T DEF Newington Reds £17m
Squillaci, S DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Santos, A DEF Woking £2.5m
Rosicky, T MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1.5m
Walcott, T MID Headless Chickens £17m
Chamberlain, A MID Dynamo Charlton £8.5m
Arteta, M MID Just put Carles £16m
Cazorla, S MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Giroud, O STR Lokomotiv Leeds £6m
Gervinho STR Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Chamakh, M STR Hairy Fadjeetas £16.5m
Podolski, L STR FC Testicluadew £11m


Cech, P GK Headless Chickens £19m
Ivanovic, B DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Cahill, G DEF Pikey Scum £7.5m
Cole, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Terry, J DEF Northern Monkeys £14m
Luiz, D DEF FC Testicluadew £3m
Mata, J MID PSV Mornington £28m
Marin, M MID Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Ramires MID Vasco De Beauvoir £12m
Meireles, R MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Oscar MID Dynamo Charlton £5.5m
Hazard, E MID Hairy Fadjeetas £26m
McEachran, J MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Moses, V MID Bala Rinas £12m
Lampard, F MID Piedmonte £16m
Torres, F STR Newington Reds £37m
Sturridge, D STR Just put Carles £20m


Schwarzer, M GK Just put Carles £0.5m
Riise, J DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Senderos, P DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Riether, S DEF Spartak Mogadishu £0.5m
Hughes, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £4m
Hangeland, B DEF Northern Monkeys £11m
Frei, K MID FC Testicluadew £5.5m
Rodallega, H STR Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m


Green, R GK Piedmonte £0.5m
Fabio DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Ferdinand, A DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £4m
Fabio DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Nelsen, R DEF Newington Reds £0.5m
Young, L DEF Dynamo Charlton £4m
Taarabt, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
W-Phillips, S MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Park, J MID Northern Monkeys £6m
Cisse, D STR Bala Rinas £12m
Zamora, B STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £2m


Friedel, B GK Northern Monkeys £0.5m
Kaboul, Y DEF Bala Rinas £6.5m
Dawson, M DEF Headless Chickens £6m
Walker, K DEF Just put Carles £12m
Assou-Ekotto, B DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £7m
Vertonghen, J DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Sigurdsson, G MID Lokomotiv Leeds £20m
Bale, G MID Pikey Scum £30m
Modric, L MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
Lennon, A MID Greendale Rockets £8.5m
Parker, S MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
van der Vaart, R MID Piedmonte £17m
Dempsey, C MID Headless Chickens £21m
Dembele, M STR Newington Reds £2.5m
Defoe, J STR Hairy Fadjeetas £13m

West Ham

Jaaskelainen, J GK Bala Rinas £0.5m
Collins, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tomkins, J DEF Piedmonte £3m
O’Neil, G MID Still Don’t Know Yet £0.5m
Noble, M MID PSV Mornington £8m
Nolan, K MID Spartak Mogadishu £5m
Cole, C STR Headless Chickens £1.5m
Carroll, A STR Headless Chickens £1m

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East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4
League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets
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Year Zero

Griffin statue
The Kenna was founded as the Fleet Street Fantasy Football League

LONDON: Wednesday 3 August 2005. Uncertain times.

  • The Piccadilly line reopened after the London Bombings 26 days previous had rocked the capital like never before (or at least until the pubs opened).
  • Despite bowling the Australians out by tea on the first day at Lord’s, the England cricket team had gone 1-0 down in the series. On the eve of the second test at Edgbaston the question on everyone’s lips was whether they could win the Ashes back after 17 years.
  • Edgar Davids joined Tottenham Hotspur on a free transfer from Inter Milan.

In the midst of these extraordinary circumstances, a group of eight distinguished gentlemen congregated at a pub near the site of the original Temple Bar, on the westernmost border of the City of London. Onlookers would have regarded these souls as unremarkable, but over the next four hours they went on to found what will be known in years to come as one of the capital’s most enduring institutions.

Under the auspices of the ‘Fleet Street Fantasy Football League’, this group of pioneers shed the tyranny of mass media fantasy competitions, of whose corporate wiles they’d all grown weary and disaffected, and created a pure format of the game, auctioning off top-level footballers over pints of Belgian Lager and branded ashtrays.

Little did they know, that 39 competitive weeks, two league name changes and one transfer window later, the Barry Norgrove Football League has all but come to the end of its first season; an emotional rollercoster of blood, sweat and avant-garde banter that will be remembered more fondly by history than the day Stanley rumbled Dr Livingstone interfering with the natives.

Four of those early tacticians are still managing teams in the Kenna this season. Over the years others have come and gone, left and stayed, but the central tenets of those events eight years ago still remain at the heart of the league: one of the managers can win and they don’t have to spend every Friday lunchtime making transfers and picking a bloody captain.

In the first of series of rose-tinted reviews, the Kenna will look back at it’s roots and those previous seasons. Most expensive summer signings, manager of the month charts, top points scorers and, of course, the final table will be featured.

Most expensive summer signings

Player Team Value Points scored
1 T Henry Stockwell Stockwell £29.5m 274
2 W Rooney Thieving Magpies £28m 245
3 F Lampard Thieving Magpies £27m 203
4 S Gerrard Barking Hoxton £26m 230
5 H Crespo Park Ji Sung’s Allstars £20.5m 107
6 J Defoe Dynamo Stockwell £20 54
7 C Ronaldo Bashers FC £18.5m 101
8 J Terry Vasco De Beauvoir £18m 182
9= R van Nistelrooy Bashers FC £17.5m 176
9= R Ferdinand Fat Ladies £17.5m 83

As experimental as the first prototype of a homemade chastity belt, the initial auction rules were not the honed article of today. The customary £100m budget was established, but managers were able to pick two players from each Premier League outfit.

With only eight managers and a wealth of talent, even the most sought after players didn’t reach £30m. At 18, Wayne Rooney was already a prized asset. Stevie Gerrard and Frank Lampard would also go on to dominate shopping lists.

A certain Czech West Ham defender quickly become synonymous with being the type of player no one wanted to buy, but back in those chivalrous days the Titus Bramble ruling wasn’t even a twinkle in Tomas Repka’s eye.

A full list of teams bought that night can be viewed here.

Story of the season

MOTM awards 2005-06
Green = Manager of the Month, Red = Turkey of the Month

Thanks to a stingy back five of Paul Robinson, Steve Finnan, Kolo Toure, John Terry and Wes Brown, Vasco De Beauvoir dominated the league from September and were hard to catch from there, picking up five MOTM awards and becoming champions.

Stevie G and The Yak spurred on a spring assault for Barking Hoxton, who made second place their own for a large part of the season and finished there.

The Dynamo Stockwell manager did not enjoy the best of debuts. With a midfield built around Stelios Giannakopoulos, Dynamo’s pre-season prediction of a mid-table finish was woefully over ambitious. They came last.

Final league table

Norgrove table 05-06
Barry Norgrove table – final standings

The top five individual performers have largely remained popular signings throughout the league’s history. As he would continue to do over the next few years, The Yak crept onto the high scoring charts.

The surprises were Vasco’s Steve Finnan and £500k Darius Vassell. They would both go on to discover, much to the detriment of future managers, this was the pinnacle of their careers.

Highest scorers

Player Team Value Points scored
1 T Henry Stockwell Stockwell £29.5m 274
2 W Rooney Thieving Magpies £28m 245
3 S Gerrard Barking Hoxton £26m 230
4 F Lampard Thieving Magpies £27m 203
5 J Terry Vasco De Beauvoir £18m 182
6 The Yak Barking Hoxton £7m 180
7 R van Nistlerooy Bashers FC £17.5m 176
8 J Riise Fat Ladies £10.5m 164
9 S Finnan Vasco De Beauvoir £8.5m 155
10 D Vassell Vasco De Beauvoir £0.5m 150

 How the league administration summed up the season:

“So there you have it. Vasco are champions of the inaugural Barry Norgrove Football League. They’ve led since Week 3, and apart from a period when Mr Robben was at his most theatrical, haven’t looked like slipping. “I think I’ll have a tumbler of pink gin tonight to celebrate,” exclaimed the ever-inebriated Vasco manager. “The boys have done good, and now I can spend the next couple of months immersed in blackjack and hookers.
“Barking Hoxton put up a spirited final stand, with the redoubtable Stevie G saving the final yet again. The much-jostled for third spot finally falls to those winged kleptomaniacs, so it’s Europe for them and Dio-calm for the Allstars. Despite a late spurt from the Fat Ladies (what an image) they remain in fifth spot. Stockwell Stockwell (Henry top scored the entire league) and Bashers (who posted the lowest weekly score of the season of -6) will recharge to fight again next season.
“And finally Dynamo Stockwell. What can one say? Hapless? They aimed for mid-table and failed to fulfill their mediocre ambitions. Only time will tell if they’ve historically posted the worst score ever in the Norgrove, but with more transfer windows promised for next season one would conjecture that only the Black Cats could do worse. One would also think that the manager has taken a long hard look in the mirror, contemplating leaving the gas on for a split second, and is now preparing himself for the muckiest of pints at the awards evening.”
The Dyanmo manager never did drink that mucky pint.
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Lesbi show

Peep show
Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

  • £17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
  • £500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
  • Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
  • £500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
  • £1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
  • Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3
Kenna table – week 3


Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 36 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 29 1
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 27 1
5 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 2
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 3
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
8 Just put Carles Carles 19 0
9 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 18 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 17 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 1
12 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 17 1
13 Newington Reds Dudley 16 1
14 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 16 1
15 Woking Mike 16 0
16 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 15 1
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 14 0
18 Greendale Rockets Stu 13 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 10 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 5 0
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 15 van Persie, R – MUN – STR  
    Club Still Don’t Know Yet  
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