MANAGERS have come out in universal admiration of the Kenna chairman’s probity after he admitted to an error that lost him star striker Sergio Aguero, according to the chairman.
The Young Boys manager was an unlikely candidate to lead the praise.
“He phoned the day after the announcement to personally congratulate me on my integrity,” said the chairman. “It was nice of him to take time out from his busy table tennis schedule in Bangkok.”
Tumbleweed: The KS West Green manager said in a press conference this morning Talbot had the delicate touch he was looking for up front.
FRED ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot has joined KS West Green for the rest of the season after it turned out the manager forfeit Sergio Aguero in last weekend’s transfer window.
The chairman, who manages Klub Sportowej West Green, lost the South American forward after signing defender John Stones and striker Ayoze Peres for a combined fee of £14m last Saturday. It wasn’t discovered until a few days later the side had overspent his remaining budget by £3.5m.
Colourful jumper and man-made waterway fan Talbot was retrospectively drafted into the side as a striker under the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.
This is the second time the chairman has waved cheerio to the Argentine talisman. When manager of Vasco De Beauvoir his side were made to start the 2012 campaign with wayward brawler Leeroy Lita in attack after losing Aguero ‘on a Bramble’ late in the auction.
“Nooooooooooooooooo!” said the chairman from behind a bottle of Red Label this morning. “It’s happened again! I started the window with £10.5m in the war chest and bought [John] Stones for what I thought was a couple of million.
“Somehow I then got locked in a bidding war for [Ayoze] Peres and ended up paying £8m. It wasn’t until charts and graphs sent through the updated teams a couple of days later I spotted I’d paid £6m for Stones. Being a model of integrity for the league I owned up straight away.”
Asked about KS West Green’s new acquisition in attack the chairman was remarkably upbeat.
“Fred’s a very personable guy and has already bonded really well with everyone at the club, particularly the youth team, who have all been to see his telescope. Once his CRB check comes through he’s taking them all up the canal.
“With the morale Talbot brings to the camp, even without Kun we’ll be pushing for a top four finish. I cannot see how things can go wrong.”
Vasco De Beauvoir were relegated from the Kenna League in 2012-13.
CASTING around for a pub for Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, league blazers found a previous auction venue had rebranded.
It was worthy of note only because The Golden Fleece in the City of London, which now belongs to the Metropolitan Pub Company, hosted the August 2012 auction scene of the infamous ‘Bramble Hour’. More of that later.
The Metropolitan Pub Company also runs the Kings Stores, a back street boozer in Spitalfields where managers congregated for Saturday’s second and final window of the Kenna League season.
The pub proved to be an excellent venue, but it wasn’t the interesting range of beers or smart decor that most remarkable. The table service available to the 10 managers gathered was superb.
The man on duty Tumi was attentive and friendly, always on hand to take a drinks order and keeping up with everyone’s individual tabs, all while rendering the same care to other patrons.
Service of this sort was thought to have died with the Victorian era, but the gaggles of passing Jack The Ripper tourists could well have marvelled that like beery conversations between Londoners in narrow thoroughfares outside buzzing pubs, this heritage survives into the 21st Century.
A Kenna tradition in no danger of being scotched is the transfer window turning into a farce after a couple of hours. The steady flow of craft lager did not disappoint.
Just as the summer 2012 auction saw 60 treacherous minutes of managers falling over the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling after a few drinks, Saturday saw two relegation-embroiled sides suffer from all sorts of recklessness.
Going into the window to make a record 10 changes to his side, the Fat Ladies manager even contrived to lose his one remaining player – and only decent one at that – Daniel Sturridge.
After watching the north London derby followed by three hours of transfer activity, the exact events are hazy. Nevertheless, a clear memory remains of the Fat Ladies labouring under the assumption Jonathan Walters was a midfielder, buying one striker too many and ending with a forfeit player.
So called ‘Bramble players’ are chosen as much for their current affairs status as for their inability to add any value to a club. For this window the outgoing members of Rotherham Council and convicted deviant Paul Gadd were being doled out to errant managers.
At the foot of the table, the Hoxton Pirates manager’s last chance of salvation was beached when he ended the night with two northern councillors and the former rock star numbered among his ranks.
Like the quality of the pub itself, the Pirates manager’s protest and the debate to follow therein will live long in the memory of all managers present. Gary Glitter: midfielder or defender?
All new signings will begin scoring from tonight. For a full roundup of the weekend’s scores download The Rub.
They struggled to keep their composure when it turned out the patient had a back four of Philippe Senderos, Wes Brown, Christian Gamboa and Chico Flores (photo: Monash University)
THE Fat Ladies manager has quit his job blaming imminent surgery for his decision.
The Leamington Spa-born manager said he needed to get a pimple removed from his backside and that was why he had made the decision to leave the club, who are second bottom of the Kenna League.
“I need immediate surgery,” said the Fat Ladies manager. “I need my players to give their asses on the pitch. If I can’t give mine 100 per cent on the training field it’s better for someone else to take over.”
The manager’s rear end has taken one hell of a beating in this season’s Kenna, his team scoring just three goals in 22 weeks of the competition. Table toppers Sporting Lesbian have found the net 32 times in the same period.
The club said in a statement today they needed a safe pair of hands to oversee the managerial transition. Some bloke who once got drunk and trashed the Blue Peter garden will take temporary charge.
There were reports the Fat Ladies manager was one game from the sack before his side scored a third goal of the campaign this week thanks to £35m Daniel Sturridge’s return from injury.
The club’s other goals came in week two, again from Sturridge, and from a Kevin Nolan strike nearly two months ago.
The Fat Ladies manager said the timing of his decision may look suspicious but added: “I know what people think – that I’ve been sacked, or stormed off because we couldn’t get the players in – but I can’t control what people think. There’s a pimple on my bum that needs medical care.”
The timing could not be worse for the club going into Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, the second and final chance for managers to freshen up their sides.
One player everyone will hope to avoid signing on the weekend is the league’s bête noire Titus Bramble. The out-of-work defender is awarded as a forfeit to anyone breaking auction rules.
When a photo emerged last night of Bramble apparently signing for Barcelona, the chairman was quick to spot the ruse.
