Another day in paradise

Points: Steven Gerrard began to warrant his £26.5m price tag

Steven Gerrard emerged as player of the week in a competition that, remarkably, wasn’t a bar brawl.

The Just Put Carles midfielder picked up four assists as the opposition imploded, scoring just as many own goals.

For a side boasting David Silva and Kyle Walker, JPC are having an indifferent season.

“A top-four finish would be a trophy for us,” said a resigned JPC boss, as David Haye burst into the press conference and put on some Phil Collins.

Superfuzz made the best fist of a quiet week.

Striker Luis Suarez missed a penalty, but netted and provided to help them into the top four.

“Top four, bottom four: who cares? We just want to beat Pikey Scum,” said the Fuzz manager.

Weekly scores - 21 February 2012
Weekly scores - 21 February 2012
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Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final
Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March

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King Louis and the Bent pauper

King Louis XIII
King Louis: magnificent week for Saha

Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”

Weekly scores - 15 February 2012
Weekly scores - 15 February 2012
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Houston, we have a problem

  • Ramsey strike takes out pop diva

  • ‘We were aiming for Syrian leader’ says Dynamo boss

Bullseye: Ramsey boasts a better conversion rate than Victor Moses

Aaron Ramsey received the full backing of his manager today after mistakenly killing Whitney Houston.

The Dynamo Charlton midfielder’s 75th-minute strike on Saturday sounded the death knell for the troubled pop singer.

The diva is Ramsey’s fourth scalp. His previous three goals spelled the end of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Apple boss Steve Jobbs and African tyrant Colonel Gaddafi.

In an eyebrow-raising press conference, the Dyanmo Charlton boss claimed the strike didn’t hit its intended target, but he’d have his player working extra hard in training to make up for it.

“We saw the job Aaron did taking out Bin Laden for the Americans last May and we knew then he’d be a good investment,” said the Dyanmo gaffer to stunned silence.

“If I told you that before the summer auction we’d pick him up for £2m, you’d never have believed me.

“Considering his awareness on the ball, his passing ability and the money Bill Gates was offering for Jobbs, there ain’t no way I was going to miss out on signing him.”

Assad day for soul

As journalists’ jaws hit the floor, the Dyanmo manager revealed that having successfully eliminated Colonel Gaddafi for the Libyan National Transitional Council, the club was approached by the United Nations.

“After hitting some red tape with the Russians and Chinese, the UN asked us to take care of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. Sadly, Whitney copped it instead. I suppose it was just one of those days.

“I said to Aaron after the game ‘I believe in you and me’, and we’ll be working extra hard this week in training,” the Dynamo boss said.


Under club rules, Ramsey will get have to cough up £50 towards the end-of-season party for missing the target.

“What can I say?” said the manager, shrugging his shoulders.”He’s hit three in four attempts.

“That’s a lot better than Victor Moses.”

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Elokobi leaves Seduction on loan

Nottingham Forest have signed The Dan Terry Seduction left-back George Elokobi on loan until the end of the season.

The 26-year-old Cameroonian has scored only 18 points for the struggling club this season, with just three starts in the Kenna League.

Elokobi told BBC Radio Nottingham: “It hasn’t worked out for me this season. There’s just not enough to eat in the club canteen.”

The defender’s departure leaves the Seduction in a bitter fight against relegation.

“We hoped the fuss around the England job would distract the media from this embarrassing development,” said the Seduction boss.

“We’re doomed. The only thing left for us to do now is stash as much complimentary Kenna stationery as possible into the lock-up before our official relegation at the end of the season,” he continued, while backing the club’s Bedford Rascal into a Dalston industrial estate.

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Sky Sports News declare England phoney war

Gas masks
Kenna HQ is issuing protective equipment to managers until the England post is filled

Fabio Capello plunged domestic matters into chaos this week by resigning from the England post.

As managers tried to galvanise their teams after the transfer window, rolling sports news went into an unsettling overdrive.

The FC Testiculadew boss was the first to have his south London home surrounded by roving reporters.

“We’re over a hundred points in front, so it’s no time to be complacent and I’m totally focused on the league,” he said, which according to anchor Mike Wedderburn meant he’d not ruled himself out of the England job.

The cameras cut to Yorkshire, where the Lokomotiv Leeds gaffer had been stopped from driving to training by Geoff Shreeves.

“Yes, Geoff, many would say signing Phil Bardsely does show a lack of ambition, but I see it as a positive step towards catching the leaders,” answered the Lokomotiv boss from his car window, before checking his phone, most likely for missed calls from the FA, affirmed Shreeves afterwards.

Even foreigners can’t escape. Still.

In his weekly PSV Mornington press conference, the manager was explicit.

“¡Me cago en la leche!” he said, which after some deliberation studio translators confirmed meant ‘I’m working up my CV’.

Amongst the haitus, the Chairman issued a message to managers.

“Until a new England manager is appointed, it’s important that we all keep calm and carry on,” he said, before thinking that if you printed those words on mugs and T-shirts, in an ironic sort of way, it could really catch on.

Weekly scores - 9 February 2012
Weekly scores - 9 February 2012
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Polonia Forsyth (second window)

Manager: Miss Claire Forsyth (SCO)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Aberdeen, Spurs

Vorm, M SWA £0.5m
Vidic, N MUN £27m
Coloccini, F NEW £5m
Dunne, R AVL £5m
Neville, P EVE  £0.5m
Watson, B WIG £0.5m
Arteta, M ARS £12m
Petrov, M BOL £6m
Delap, R STO £10m
Balotelli, M MCY £25m
Hoilett, D BLR £0.5m
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Superfuzz (second window)

Manager: Mr Pete Edwards

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Southampton

Krul, T NEW £0.5m
Kyrgiakos, S SUN £0.5m
Baines, L EVE £11m
Ivanovic, B CHE £0.5m
Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
Nani MUN £32m
Johnson, A MCY £9.5m
Dyer, N SWA £0.5m
Petrov, S AVL £0.5m
Holt, G NOR £3.5m
Suarez, L LIV £28m
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Thieving Magpies (second window)

Manager: Mr Phil Davis (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trohpy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Notts County

Robinson, P BLR £4m
Terry, J CHE £28m
Lescott, J MCY £10m
Agger, D LIV £10m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Sidwell, S FUL £0.5m
Gibson, D EVE £1m
Pennant, J STO £0.5m
Park, Ji-Sung MUN £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £32m
Saha, L TOT £0.5m
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PSV Mornington (second window)

Manager: Mr Ramon Pons Condom (CAT)

Since: 2009

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona

de Gea, D MUN £16m
Ferdinand, A QPR £7m
Cuellar, C AVL £2m
Brown, W SUN £6m
Alcaraz, A WIG £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £28m
Murphy, D FUL £12m
Ben Arfa, H NEW £0.5m
Song, A ARS £3m
Defoe, J TOT £12m
Carroll, A LIV £6m
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