The chairman – Page 83 – The Jeff Kenna League

Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux — Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.

Cut out for mid-table

PSV coaching staff — The PSV Mornington coaching staff

The PSV Mornington manager stared down at the remains of his arroz con leche and sighed a heavy sigh.

His self-imposed exile of the last few days was not having its desired effect. He’d locked himself in his office and hadn’t seen anyone outside the room since Saturday night.

He turned up his face and spoke slowly: “Just when I was starting to get a run of form together Gary Cahill gets sent off and Frank Lampard misses a penalty. How can I make up the 36 points to climb the next place in the table with most of my team misfiring?”

This short outburst over the PSV manager returned his gloomy gaze to the table.

“I want my team to play with the freedom and the fluidity of yours. How have you made such a team of superstars gel, when I can’t even get Salgado and Wes Brown to spring an offside trap?” he said, as much to his glass of hot chocolate as to anyone else.

Utterly at odds with himself, the PSV boss wiped away a tear before heading to the sofa for this third siesta of the day.

The life-sized, cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola propped against the door stared in silence.

Weekly scores 6 December 2011 — Weekly scores - 6 December 2011

Lazy cup results

A Kenna board member announces the new TV deal — "We'll see you on Thursday, Channel 5"

Kenna HQ announced this week that they’ve sold the Cannestan Combi Cup TV rights to Channel 5.

A glamorous unveiling of the new deal, worth £50 and a 1995 Panini sticker of John Solako playing for Crystal Palace, was made in an exclusive central London venue.

The Chairman said: “Being positive about equal rights, we made sure there was a BME guy on stage when we announced the deal. It’s also good for business in the subcontinent.

“We tried to get John Barnes, but he was booked raising awareness for some cause or other.”

Kenna critics have pointed out that the cup is nothing more than a moneyspinner for the administration, and claim that the publication of last week’s table today shows a lack of committment to the competition.

A press release from Kenna HQ said: “The Chairman’s been so busy flying to Ukraine for the Euro 2012 draw that there simply hasn’t been time to post the results.

“The good news, however, is that the Chairman has successfully met with the president of the Polish FA in Kiev to get some advice on securing new premisis for Kenna HQ.

“In the cup last week some stuff happened. We’re pretty sure no one reads this far down anyway, and there are loads of group games left too, so who cares at this stage?”

Cup groups after game two - 29 November 2011 — Cup groups after two rounds

cup second round

Mata of fact

Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.

It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.

The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.

“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”

Young Boys stand firm against thick bush

Young Boys cup hopes — The Young Boys manager has promised his charges a tilt at the cup

Group A

Young Boys held their nerve in the face of some Hairy Fadjeetas to claim three points in group A. The Kilburn outfit have a point to prove as they were knocked out at the group stage last season.

Thieving Magpies 16 – 25 Lokomotiv Leeds
Young Boys 27 – 25 Hairy Fadjeetas

Group B

Just Put Carles’ astronomic start to the season appears to be receeding after they were beaten by midtable strugglers Polonia Forsyth.

JPC 14 – 27 Polonia Forsyth
Bala Rinas 19 – 33 Headless Chickens

Group C

There was more woe for bottom-placed Spartak Mogadishu away at Dynamo Charlton. PSV’s renaissance continued apace at Superfuzz.

SuperFuzz 22 – 28 PSV Mornington
Dynamo Charlton 25 – 22 Spartak Mogadishu

Group D

Drubbing of the round goes to Lurliners, who were beaten by 30 points at the Scum.

JPF 23 – 32 FC Testiculadew
Pikey Scum 42 – 12 Lurliners

Chuck Norris*

Barn owls — Robin van Persie, Chuck Norris and a barn owl watch JPF ship another goal

Anyone would assume that with Robin van Persie in your starting line up, your team would be soaring up the league.

Not the Judean Peoples’ Front boss, who really is struggling to spread his wings in midtable despite the Dutchman’s form.

“If Robin van Persie were a bird of prey, he’s be a fooking barn owl,” asserted the JPF manager in a faux Lancashire accent outside their Nazareth Rec home ground.

“As for the rest of my team they can flock off . Cleverly and Gallas are injured, the defence is sh1te, and why did I buy Shaun Derry?” said the beleagured manager, spitting feathers.

*For those who have no idea what this post is about ask the JPF manager to tell the story at the next transfer window

Weekly scores - 22 November 2011 — Week 14 - scores

Management training

Vasco presentation — "...to be a successful manager you need skill, judgement, luck and not to be so far gone on auction night that you wake up the next day with Titus Bramble...especially now he's inside."

A little later than planned, last week’s scores are now available.

The table would’ve been up sooner, but the Chairman and Vasco boss were away on a management training course (in separate hotel rooms, mind).

Honoured to have been invited, the Vasco manager prepared a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation for the group entitled ‘Leading Your Team To Success’.

Unfortunately, the delegates did not share the Vasco manager’s enthusiasm for going through each week’s spreadsheet of the 2005/06 season, and he made a sharp exit before the crowd turned.

Luckily, the Chairman had already started the car.

Glory assured

Once this cursed international break is over, we’ll have definitely learned one thing: a team can be as comfortable in their fancy dan possession as they like, but to win matches a side doesn’t need the skill to string together more than three passes.

Certainly, the England team, in fact England as a whole, will now adopt this philosophy and full-scale frenzy will descend upon the country until they slink out of Poland and/or Ukraine after losing on penalties to a Republic of Ireland team who can string together just two passes.

If any Englishmen out there start thinking “Maybe we could just do it this….” Stop! Have a word with yourself. We haven’t done it for 46 years.

The tumbleweed will surface in the Sweden game.

Carry on bunga

After a shaky start, defending champions Young Boys are making progress up the table.

Their autumn run is largely being attributed to the team’s fitness, and behind this is the recent appointment of a new club matron, Biffa Daley.

Under her firm hands the first team’s performances have grown solid, and her presence offers plenty of relief in the manager’s office.

However, rumours abound that her recruitment took place at the Young Boys Halloween bunga bunga party.

“I don’t know where these rumours have come from. I feel victimised,” said the Young Boys manager.

Another boss feeling beleaguered is the Spartak Mogadishu manager, who had a spurious excuse for the continuance of this season’s car crash last weekend.

“Me crew be distracted by a nearby fireworks display,” he shantied.

Ba-ri-hatrick

Newington Reds striker Demba Ba scored his second hatrick of the campaign to maintain the club’s position in the the top four.

The Senegalese hitman has finally found his way after a slow start for reasons the Spartak Mogadishu manager may do well to note.

The Reds manager was further buoyed by clean sheets from new signings Phil Jones and John Arne Riise.

“Obviously, I’ll be hitting the bar,” chortled the Newington Reds boss.

Newbie surge

Rooky managers continued the trend of impressing themselves on the Kenna as Lokomotiv Leeds snatched second place.

A goal and an assist from Rafael van der Vaart stole the show the for Yorkshire outfit.

The Dutch playmaker had briefly been signed by Vasco De Beauvoir on auction night, until the ill-advised purchase of Wesley Sneijder.

Vasco are ninth in the table.

Bannan-a skin

The Pikey Scum gaffer was forced to take a long hard look at himself this week, after two players released in the transfer window scored goals.

Stylian Petrov, who was snapped up by rivals Superfuzz, netted, as did free agent Andy Carroll.

Scum replaced Petrov with Scottish talent Barry Bannan.

“He hasn’t turned out to be quite the midfield driving force we’d hoped for,” lamented the Scum boss.

Weekly scores - 1 Nov 2011 — Weekly scores - 1 November 2011

Lurliners (first window)

Manager: Mr Luke Jones (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Howard, T	EVE	£9m
Gibbs, K	ARS	£6m
Enrique, J	LIV	£5m
Taylor, S	NEW	£9m
Collins, J	AVL	£8m
Young, A	MUN	£17.5m
Modric, L	TOT	£13m
Muamba, F	BOL	£0.5m
Johnson, B	NOR	£2.5m
Di Santo, F	WIG	£11m
Fletcher, S	WLV	£0.5m
		£82m

Group A

Thieving Magpies 16 – 25 Lokomotiv Leeds Young Boys 27 – 25 Hairy Fadjeetas