Weekly updates – Page 21 – The Jeff Kenna League

Battle for the Kenna

BBC Breaking News — Genuine threat: Kenna HQ has survived a potential uprising, for now

“We turn now to events in the Kenna League where a cabal of managers has threatened to overthrow the established power of the league. Our political editor Nick Robinson is outside Kenna HQ.”

“Thanks, Hugh. As you can see I’m standing outside Kenna HQ, the epicentre of events today where an attempted coup d’etat was made on the league leadership of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football competition.

“From the outside it just looks like a building on a normal London street, but inside the wheels of administration are just about still turning after a small group of managers led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall boss moved for a vote of no confidence in the league chairman.

“It’s understood that discontent has been bubbling away under the surface of the Kenna for some time.

“Critics of the chairman say his rule over the league has become ever more authoritarian in recent months.

“They say that while in appearance the Kenna governing body has maintained the bureaucracy that so frustrates managers trying to get a reprieve from the Titus Bramble forfeit process, the chairman has been stripping back the checks and balances of the apparatus and placing more and more power in the notoriously ruthless manager experiences department.

“On the face of it, this shadowy arm of the Kenna is responsible for ensuring the smooth running of the league, but stories of abductions, beatings, blackmail and even torture are all too commonplace.

“It is thought the department is increasingly bypassing league rules and regulations to ensure swift actions against malcontents, on orders thought to come straight from the chairman’s office.

“In particular, the department’s archive of compromising social media photos of managers has become a tool of terror.

“Today’s attempted coup was sparked by disillusionment amongst a small group of managers unhappy at those who did not attend the pre-season auction in August, or to be more specific at their remaining budgets ahead of next month’s first transfer window.

“Here’s the statement released by the Young Boys manager today, which explains the origins of the conflict:

With the first transfer window nearly upon is quite clear that mangers who did not attend the first auction will have a distinct advantage with a much larger transfer budget, whilst those who did attend will be punished for turning up, getting drunk and making ludicrous bids on average players (which is basically the point of the Kenna) adding to the feeling of growing disillusionment of the hard working mangers towards Kenna HQ. Furthermore, the problem has been exacerbated by the ever increasing authoritarian Kenna HQ’s decision not to return the full amount paid for a player when they are released for transfer. This is just another example of Kenna HQ becoming more and more removed from the needs of the normal, everyday, Kenna manager.

“How did the league respond? Well, earlier this afternoon the chairman did address members of the press outside Kenna HQ.

“He dismissed the Young Boys manager and ‘his pernicious little band conspirators and Charlie Chesters’ as troublemakers. He assured the media he was in full control of the league and that this was ‘yet another pathetic attempt by the Young Boys manager to wrest power’. He pointed out that under ‘the gentle teasing of my firm hand the league has grown to become a towering feature of the fantasy football landscape’.

“The chairman then went on to utterly dismiss any notion that he had lost touch with the everyday Kenna manager. He pointedly said, and I quote ‘we are dealing with the issue of remaining budgets. This is complicated, sports administration and far too complex to go into here. We’ll sort it out and send our resolution to Ceefax for distribution’, although he made no indication of how the issue would be addressed.

“Of course, there is another angle here. It is widely known in the Kenna that the Young Boys manager has been obsessed with taking power at Kenna HQ for some time and maintains that his origins as a Welshman are keeping him from the chair. Most moderates consider the issue of remaining transfer budgets a smokescreen for the Young Boys manager’s true ambitions.

“With only four weeks to go until the transfer window, the bout looks far from over, but after this round the chairman still has the upper hand.

“This Nick Robinson, for BBC News, outside Kenna HQ. Back to you in the studio, Hugh.”

“Thank you, Nick.

“And finally, as the serious business of the Kenna League is played out, one manager is taking an alternative view of the matter. We now join BBC News reporter Alice Bandherkravi in south London.”

“Thank you, Hugh. I’m here in Wandsworth where Kenna League member the Still Don’t Know Yet manager has barricaded himself in his flat.

“It appears that when he heard news of the attempted boardroom rebellion he took it to mean a full-scale civil one.

“Neighbours have reported seeing the Teesider dressed in a tinfoil hat roaming around the premises claiming that, and I quote, ‘as a temporary measure during this time of unrest my side are now top of the Kenna’.

“Of course, he’s currently mid table and even the non-football fan could tell you that he’s not going to get much higher than that.

“Police were attending the scene, but have since stood down when it was decided the manager remained intent on locking himself in his house and occasionally shouting ‘Stay in your homes. Do not panic’ from a first floor window.

“This is Alice Bandherkravi, for BBC News, outside a deranged Northerner’s house. Back to you, Hugh.”

Kenna table – full scores available from The Rub

Kenna table - 23 September 2014 (week 5) — Kenna table – 23 September 2014 (week 5)

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Cowley Casuals	Stu	36	3
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	31	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	29	1
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	28	1
5	Fat Ladies	Ted	23	0
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	22	1
7	Young Boys	Denney	21	1
8	Piedmonte	Phil	21	0
9	St Reatham FC	Mike	20	1
10	FC Tescticuladew	James N	19	2
11	Headless Chickens	John N	19	0
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	1
14	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	16	0
15	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	14	0
16	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	12	1
17	Team Panda Rules OK	George	11	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	9	0
19	KS West Green	Stix	9	0
20	Just Put Carles	Carles	9	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	19	Vardy, J – LEI – STR
	Club	*Unsigned*

Fat Ladies Dublin size?

Ted and Dion Dublin — Dube-ious: The Fat Ladies manager taps up Dion Dublin

FAT Ladies are rumoured to tabling a desperate bid for former on-field utility man Dion Dublin at the first Kenna transfer window next month.

Finding his side bottom of the league after four competitive weeks of the competition, the Fat Ladies manager is said to be scrabbling around for striking options with Daniel Sturridge and Christian Benteke injured.

Snapping himself with Dublin this week, the manager said: “The season hasn’t got off to a great start. I’m missing my strikers and only one of my defenders [Coloccini] is getting a game, and he got four put past him last week. Dion offers us cover all over the pitch and his creativity, both with the ball and The Dube, will give us some attacking rhythm.”

Fat Ladies were crowned Kenna champions in 2007, but the manager has only just rejoined the league after a four-year absence.

Many see this latest news as further proof the Fat Ladies manager is struggling to adapt back in the Kenna League.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	46	4
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	41	1
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	34	4
4	St Reatham FC	Mike	34	1
5	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	31	1
6	Young Boys	Denney	25	0
7	Just Put Carles	Carles	24	2
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	24	0
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	22	1
10	KS West Green	Stix	22	1
11	Cowley Casuals	Stu	19	1
12	Piedmonte	Phil	17	2
13	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	17	1
14	Headless Chickens	John N	16	0
15	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	15	0
16	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	14	0
17	Team Panda Rules OK	George	13	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
19	FC Tescticuladew	James N	12	0
20	Fat Ladies	Ted	7	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	17	Costa, D – CHE – STR
	Club	Pikey Scum

The edible journey

Caught napping: Inspector Montalbano has come under fire from Kenna chiefs for failing to prevent crime (photo: Steve Thorne)

THE Kenna League chairman has hit out at Sicilian authorities after having his passport stolen near Catania on Saturday.

Stripped of his ability to return to the UK as scheduled that evening, the chairman was forced to spend the next two days making his way to the British Embassy in Rome to get the required emergency documentation.

The incident happened when the chairman stopped off on the way to the airport to collect vital supplies.

As he browsed the isles of olive oil, wine, coffee and parmesan cheese, ruthless – yet admittedly, well-organised – thieves jimmied the lock on the chairman’s hire car making off with a suitcase full of clothes and a bag of valuables, including his passport and laptop.

“I lay the blame squarely at the feet of the Sicilian police and in particular that phony, Inspector Montalbano,” reasoned the chairman.

“You always see him on television darting around in that old Fiat Tipo making out like he’s in touch with the everyday people, but he’s obviously only interested in murder and long lunch breaks. When it comes to good, old-fashioned community policing this incident proves he’s come up short.”

Without a UK passport, the chairman was advised that only British consulates in Milan and Rome could provide the necessary assistance. He would also have to wait to until office hours on Monday morning to make an appointment.

Unfortunately, air traffic control strikes in Italy on Saturday meant all flights to Rome and Milan were booked up for the next three days.

Grounded until an available seat to Naples 24 hours later, the newlywed chairman unwillingly spent the night alone in a Catania youth hostel, living on a strict diet of fresh swordfish and repelling the drunken advances of exotic young women bent on testing his marriage vows to the limit.

“The whole incident has been incredibly stressful and has impacted on my duties running the league,” said the chairman from a trattoria in Rome yesterday afternoon, between mouthfuls pizza and local wine.

“Thank God it took place during an international break.”

10 things the chairman learned from getting his passport swiped in Sicily

Never get smug you’ll return the hire car without a ding until you’ve handed it back.
The security guy in the shopping mall car park is probably in on it.
To avoid future discomfort when buying emergency pants on an Italian street market, add an ‘X’ to your normal size.
A Mediterranean youth hostel is no place for a married man of 34.
Even in the usually drab confines of an airport departure lounge, the view at Catania Fontanarossa is never far from pleasant.
When you’ve been the victim of crime the last place you really want to fly into at 11pm on a Sunday night is somewhere with a reputation like Naples.
If you’re carrying three bottles of olive oil in your bag for a two-day trip through southern Italy one of them will break and begin to leak everywhere, probably from the overhead storage during a train journey.
The guy in the queue at the consulate who says ‘it’s ridiculous, it’s obvious we’re British’ one too many times is most likely to be the spy.
Walking around the sites of ancient Rome for three hours in cheap flip flops may result in blisters.
No matter how many you drink, espresso macchiato in Italy is always a pleasure.

Kenna table (from last week)

Kenna table - 2 September 2014 — Kenna table – 2 September 2014 (week 3)

Treasurer cashes in

Ginekolog amator — In the hole: Aaron Ramsey is already proving to be an excellent source of goals from midfield for Bala Rinas

THE Kenna League treasurer finds his team at the top of the table for what is possibly the first time in a seven-year management career.

Goals from Marouane Chamakh and Aaron Ramsey, and a brace from Stefan Jovetic saw Bala Rinas fire to the summit of fantasy football in the second round of the season.

Asked if he could keep his side first for the remaining 37 weeks of the campaign, the treasurer consulted his big-buttoned calculator with a receipt roll at the top.

“The chances of Marouane Chamakh popping up with goal every week are…tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, bzzzzzzzzz…slim to none,” he concluded.

Despite a best-ever Kenna performance from Nacer Chadli, Just Put Carles prop up the table, although this is understandable considering the manager didn’t attend the auction and had his team randomly selected from a list of remaining players after 17 people had bought their players at auction.

What demands more explanation is the position of five managers who all find themselves beneath not one but two sides – Hoxton Pirates and FC Testiculadew – picked by the computer from auction scraps because they failed to attend the most well-run event in Kenna history.

Fans are losing patience with the Lokomotiv Leeds manager-out, Fat Ladies manager-out, Piedmonte manager-out, Cowley Casuals manager-out and Still Don’t Know Yet manager-out.

Protest marches from lo

Weekly scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Bala Rinas	Lewis	49	4
2	Headless Chickens	John N	35	1
3	St Reatham FC	Mike	34	1
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	32	2
5	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	26	-00
6	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	24	2
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	-00
9	Just Put Carles	Carles	22	2
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	21	-00
12	Fat Ladies	Ted	21	-00
13	Young Boys	Denney	20	-00
14	FC Tescticuladew	James N	20	-00
15	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	19	1
16	Team Panda Rules OK	George	19	1
17	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	19	-00
18	Cowley Casuals	Stu	19	-00
19	KS West Green	Stix	18	1
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	15	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Chadli, N – TOT – MID
		Club	*Just Put Carles*

Kenna table

Kenna League 10th anniversary auction: photos

THE Saturday afternoon of 9 August 2014 marked a momentous day in London pub-based fantasy football: the 10th anniversary auction of the Kenna League.

With the competition now in it’s first week (Kenna table below), 10 photos of this historic occasion show the day in all its glory.

All photos and captions by the Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year

Ahead of the auction the Kenna League chairman made a short address to the 16 managers gathered above The Carpenter’s Arms near Marble Arch.

Traditionally consisting of flimsy and inappropriate jokes about the cultural origins of league members, this 10th anniversary’s Fozzie Bear performance made reference to the number 10 being linked to the average age children are radicalised in Somalia…after reading Treasure Island…as part of the school curriculum.

Sadly, the league’s Somali representative was not present to take offence.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excels patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget — The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excel’s patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget

Still on the run after brutally beating a female Sky Sports News presenter to death on Chobham Common, one manager was forced to dial into the auction from his Swiss hideout.

A Kenna manager's best friend...and an auction brochure LOLZ — A Kenna manager’s best friend…and an auction brochure LOLZ

A classic auction photo. See how the additional challenge of rampant alcoholism has this manager consider tabling a bid for West Bromwich Albion reserve goalkeeper Boaz Myhill.

Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test

Managers arriving at Marble Arch tube station that day were greeted by a ‘Free Palestine’ demonstration, which most of them ignored. Except the Piedmonte manager, who turned up to the auction late carrying a placard.

Managers hang on the chairman's every word — Managers hang on the chairman’s every word

Is this the last ever photo of the Bramble Jersey? The Wigan Athletic shirt thought to have been worn by the notorious defender were among the league effects to disappear after the auction when an errant taxi driver cheesed it.

The fate of Le Maillot Merde, the Bramble bell, auction hammer, Kenna HQ keys and pornographic playing cards are still at the mercy of the Transport for London lost property department.

As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential

This year’s auction took six hours, which is a test of stamina for any fantasy football manager. For the Fat Ladies boss, returning to the league after a few years, the event proved too much on liquid alone and he cracked.

Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place

Alexander the Great, on some ancient campaign, came across the Gordian Knot: a piece of rope so tangled that the greatest minds in the known world could not untie it. Alexander solved the problem by chopping through the knot with his sword.

Here the Judean Peoples’ Front manager talks a similar approach to a conundrum that has bugged the Kenna since the public smoking ban. How does a pub-based fantasy football auction that usually takes place in upstairs rooms allow managers to chuff on a tab and take part in proceedings?

Technically he’s not flouting the law. In reality he looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind

Armed with a player list and their wits – well, just a player list – managers attempt to buy eleven players during the auction…

…which can be thirsty work.

Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you

Tired of wiping the floor with the floor with the league and all that prize money, and much maligned after discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling, the FC Testiculadew manager sought to increase his popularity by donating his Emerson World Cup winnings to the bar at the 10th anniversary auction.

The chairman thought long and hard about the how best to spend this sum and came up with master plan of half a case of champagne. For those looking to organise their own fantasy football auction, this worked well as managers were instantly talkative and engaged in proceedings.

One learning point for the future would be to not buy as much champagne, for after a couple of hours there was a definite lull. After that memories are sketchy.

Kenna table

Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’

Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)

THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.

Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.

The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.

As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.

The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.

“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.

“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”

This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.

Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.

The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.

Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.

Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.

Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.

Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”

In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.

“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”

The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.

Kenna table – final standings

Kenna wk 37 - 20 May 2014 — Kenna wk 37 – 20 May 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	8	1
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	7	1
3	PSV Mornington	El Pons	7	1
4	KS West Green	Stix	4	1
5	Team Panda Rules OK	George	4	0
6	FC Testiculadew	James N	2	0
7	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	2	0
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	2	0
9	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	1	0
10	Just put Carles	Carles	1	0
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	1	0
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	1	0
13	St. Reatham FC	Mike	1	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	0	0
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	0	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	0	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	0	0
18	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	0	0
19	Piedmonte	Phil	0	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	0	0
21	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	0	0
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	0	0
23	Young Boys	Denney	0	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	8	Quinn, S – HUL – MID
		Club	*Unsigned*

FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered

Tour De France Champagne Chris Froome — Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory

DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.

Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.

Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.

A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.

Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.

Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.

In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.

In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.

Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vym3HNLDkIc]

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	55	6
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	47	3
3	FC Testiculadew	James N	37	3
4	St. Reatham FC	Mike	36	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	36	0
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	33	0
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	32	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	31	1
10	Piedmonte	Phil	31	0
11	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
13	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	28	1
14	Young Boys	Denney	28	1
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	24	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	20	1
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	0
19	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	17	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	16	1
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	14	1
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	10	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	6	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	18	Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF
	Club	Dynamo Charlton

‘Kurwa’ suds

Toucans in the park: Standard procedure for Polish customers of Kenna HQ’s neighbourhood off licence…and now the Piedmonte manager too.

TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.

Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.

During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.

What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.

First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.

It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.

Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.

Gotta love an 8.30am train to Oldham! C’mon You Pies! @Official_NCFC #stayingup #ShaunDerrysBlackAndWhiteArmy pic.twitter.com/XV71tbKNLl

— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) May 3, 2014

It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).

Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.

Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.

In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.

Kenna table

Kenna week 35 - 6 May 2014 — Kenna week 35 – 6 May 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Newington Reds	Dudley	38	2
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	1
3	Piedmonte	Phil	36	1
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	32	2
5	Just put Carles	Carles	30	2
6	FC Testiculadew	James N	28	2
7	Headless Chickens	John N	28	0
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	27	1
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	22	1
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	1
12	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	22	0
13	St. Reatham FC	Mike	20	1
14	KS West Green	Stix	19	1
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
16	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	19	0
17	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	18	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	17	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	17	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	13	0
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	13	0
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	11	1
23	Young Boys	Denney	10	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	12	Weimann, A – AVL – STR
	Club	Unsigned

Only one Breivik kidney

The Ox and the KS West Green manager — Athletes: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and the KS West Green manager

ROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.

For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.

Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.

The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.

A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.

Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.

The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.

@jeffkennaleague The ginned up lolly pop lady has now scored as many EPL goals this season as The Ox, Ashley Young, Cisse, Michu and Caroll

— Andrew Denney (@andenney) April 22, 2014

Kenna table

Kenna week 34 - 29 April 2014 — Kenna week 34 – 29 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	53	5
2	St. Reatham FC	Mike	41	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	3
4	Team Panda Rules OK	George	33	1
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	0
6	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	28	1
8	Young Boys	Denney	27	0
9	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	26	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	1
11	Headless Chickens	John N	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	22	2
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	1
14	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
16	KS West Green	Stix	20	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	13	0
19	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	10	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	10	0
22	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	6	0
23	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	5	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	15	Wickham, C – SUN – STR
	Club	Unsigned

Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace

KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.

On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.

Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.

With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.

Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.

Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.

It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.

No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final

Kenna table

Kenna week 33 - 22 April 2014 — Kenna week 33 – 22 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	60	5
2	KS West Green	Stix	48	2
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	41	2
4	FC Testiculadew	James N	41	2
5	Team Panda Rules OK	George	41	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	37	2
7	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	0
8	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	30	2
10	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	2
11	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
12	Piedmonte	Phil	30	1
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	0
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	2
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	23	1
17	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	20	1
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	17	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	16	1
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	16	0
21	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	14	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	13	1
	Points	Player
Player of the week	24	Podolski, L – ARS – STR
	Club	Sporting Lesbian