Outlook: No manager has ever defended the Kenna title, and even Sporting Lesbian’s most optimistic fan would say this side doesn’t look like emulating the success of last season’s outfit. The only survivor from that collective, Marc Wilson is joined by a capable defence of Coleman, Rose and Coloccini – although the Argentine is prone to homesickness. David de Gea looks likely to start in goal all season.
Up front the £27m price tag for the untested, and injury prone, Jovetic may seem excessive, but Podolski could be one of the bargains of the season. Creativity abounds in midfield, but last season’s success was built on the outstanding form of Michu, and a similar discovery is yet to be evidenced here.
Outlook: As the hunt for that elusive first Kenna title enters its ninth year, the Newington Reds manager stands accused by the club’s fans of giving up before the season has begun. While they believe Joe Hart is a solid buy in goal, they think forking out £22m Shinji Kagawa – who spends much time as an unused substitute – and £14m on the controversial Loic Remy represents a particular lack of financial and tactical savvy.
But, those complaints are nothing next to what Reds supporters view as the manager’s biggest crime. With three midfielders still to buy, the Wulfrunian left the auction halfway through to go to Lion King on Ice in the West End. Fans’ forums lit up last Saturday with deprecation for a move which resulted in the manager missing out on such late-auction deals as Juan Mata and Joe Cole – who went for £0.5m each.
What Reds are left with is a team unlikely to bother the top half of the table, even if James McCarthy is brought into the top flight. With only £2m left in the war chest, the Reds manager better sort out his office fax machine once and for all come the window if he wants to unlock the £10m bonus and drag himself back into the contest.
Outlook: Once upon a time the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s most notable achievement was his uncanny resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, but in May the Welshman secured a podium finish – his best ever in four Kenna campaigns.
Last season’s success was built on a solid defensive platform – unlike his Scandinavian lone wolf doppelganger his side found the target the least number of times in the field – and again goals would appear to be this new team’s weakness. Jelavic and Rodriguez scored 14 times between them last term, and the Croat looked out of sorts compared to his initial spurt in England.
In midfield it’s the same story. Stewart Downing’s shortcomings are well documented, Holtby sits deep, Sidwell’s ginger and while an impressive player the marquee £23m signing Jack Wilshere struggles to apply his particular talents to the Kenna scoring system.
Just as Njemana Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic hint that the JPF manager is searching for that same defensive formula again, Ciaran Clark and Liam Ridgewell imply he ran out of ideas in the auction . At least Allan McGregor should start every game.
Boiler room: The auction itself was tranquil enough, but the after party…
SHOCKWAVES from Saturday’s Kenna fantasy football auction are still being felt in London five days on.
The marathon event shook the upstairs bar of the Roebuck in Borough for a record eight hours, as 21 managers worked their way through 232 lots and many more units of Central European lager.
Robin van Persie fetched the highest price of £46m – almost half a Kenna manager’s ton budget – bought over Skype by a mysterious man in Valencia wearing a Panama hat.
At £39m each Wayne Rooney and Sergio Aguero were the next biggest signings bought by St Reatham FC, the former Woking manager’s new team, and KS West Green, the Chairman’s team, respectively. Both managers steered their teams to relegation last season.
But it wasn’t the ninth annual Kenna auction itself that caused the biggest stir.
Locked in competition for a full shift, the majority of Kenna managers decided to accept the FC Rapid de Cuillons manager’s invitation to a late drink on his Thames boat bar: Bar&Co.
As the complimentary shooters flowed, the pressure of entering the world’s most competitive fantasy football league began to show, with memories of the evening becoming hazier.
Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager was among a hardened group of post-auction revellers who reported getting home at breakfast time, but he was not the biggest casualty.
Shutting himself into the Kenna HQ situation room with nothing but a case of tinned sardines and the auction wildcards, it took until Wednesday for the Kenna chairman to come to terms with the beast he’d created.
Emerging from his solitary vigil the chairman said: “Up until Saturday many people associated with the Kenna often wished there was more than one auction a year. Not any more.
“Glad as we are to be involved with this great institution, no one’s sanity, home life or alimentary canal could possibly deal with more than one of those sessions in 12 months.”
The first transfer window in October will probably come close.
The league will issue full details of teams and remaining budgets ahead of the season curtain raiser on Saturday at 12.45pm.
Wildcard: each manager could pick one player at random to be auctioned immediately
Ominous: Eric Djemba-Djemba only managed one more appearance for Manchester United than his squad number (photo courtesy of MihleStrand)
FLURRIES of foreign footballers being signed by English clubs are a staple of the summer.
Unlike George Weah’s cousin, many new players arriving in the Premier League have proven success in other countries, but that doesn’t always translate to the rough and tumble of the English game.
Take Eric Djemba-Djemba. An impressive debut season in Ligue Une earned the tough-tackling midfielder a dream move to Manchester United in the summer of 2003.
Fading from the first team over the next 18 months, the Cameroonian was sold to Aston Villa for £1.5m – a £5m loss for United. Competition from Gavin McCann and Steve Davies meant Djemba-Djemba played only once for the Villains before being farmed out on loan to Championship club Burnley.
Only the most devoted followers of Qatar SC, Odense BK and Hapoel Tel Aviv could add nuance to Eric’s 162 appearances and six goals following his release by Villa in summer 2007.
Djemba-Djemba never featured for a Kenna side, mainly because the bulk of his meagre Premier League appearances happened before the Kenna’s creation in 2005. Official Kenna records from the period are as patchy as the Bible, but it’s believed he did spend some time as a Titus Bramble player in 2006/07.
Be that as it may, his combative ‘Claude Makalele’ role in front of defence meant he was more likely to pick up bookings than assists and goals, a highly undesirable trait considering the Kenna’s scoring system.
A glut of new midfielders have flooded into England since Sporting Lesbian lifted the Kenna title in May. It remains to be seen which of those new recruits have the X factor and which have the Djemba-Djemba factor, but that won’t stand in the way of bold predictions based on national stereotyping and sweeping generalisations. When it comes to the auction on Saturday, on whom will managers gamble?
Paulinho (Spurs)
The list of Brazilians to flake in the Premier League is long and distinguished, but Paulinho’s formative years in Eastern Europe give the impression he can deal with a lot chillier and more hostile climes than a wet Tuesday night in Stoke. A likely first-team starter for Spurs and no stranger to the score sheet, although if his season goes too well a protracted transfer saga to Real Madrid next summer looms. Djemba-Djemba factor: 1/5
Fernandinho (Man City)
Another box-to-box Brazilian with experience of Eastern Europe’s icy depths. Manchester should be a stroll compared to any winter’s night in Donetsk. Maybe not guaranteed the starting place of his compatriot above, but lightening pace and a powerful shot. Djemba-Djemba factor: 2/5
José Cañas (Swansea)
In the last four years and 66 appearances, Cañas never scored for his former side Real Betis. Djemba-Djemba factor: 4/5
Aleksander Tonev (Villa)
The wiry Bulgarian international collected an Ekstraklasa runners up medal last season with Lech Poznań and offers width and pace. A former young Bulgarian footballer of the year, Tonev clocked up his first goals for the national side in March – scoring the first hat-trick of his career in a 6-0 thumping against Malta. How much will he feature? Djemba-Djemba factor: 3/5
Leroy Fer (Norwich)
Nicknamed ‘The Bouncer’ for his physical approach to the game, the Dutch international played in a range of positions throughout his early career but is now seen as a defensive midfielder in the mould of Patrick Viera. Not many goals or assists expected. Djemba-Djemba factor: 4/5
André Schürrle (Chelsea)
Certain to go for big money at auction, the German scores a goal every three games at club and country level. Unlikely to be the next Marko Marin. Djemba-Djemba factor: 1/5
The Sunderland midfield
Phil Bardsley may have been rebuked for that casino snap, but it’s his club paymasters who are spinning the wheel for the highest stakes. Paulo Di Canio’s wholesale replacement of players means the team that finished last season could be unrecognisable from the one lining up next week. El-Hadji Ba, Cabral, Diakite and Giaccherini all have no experience of the English game. Will the Italian’s gamble pay off? No one knows, but even his critics would say Di Canio always tends to be right. Djemba-Djemba factor: 4/5
Victor Wanyama (Southampton)
An African defensive midfielder who for the last two years has honed his skills in a league even more unfashionable than France’s. Are you Eric in disguise? Djemba-Djemba factor: 5/5
’10 for that you must be mad’: Players’ true market values will be reflected at transfer windows
PLANS to introduce a new open market system to Kenna transfer windows were unveiled today.
In what league blazers have smugly branded ‘Jeff’s transfer bazaar’, managers selling players in the season’s two windows will only receive what another club is prepared to pay for them. Previously, managers received the price they’d paid for a player.
The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department predict the move will introduce a new dimension to the league, with less money sloshing around windows than last season and individual performance deciding a player’s value.
The announcement comes comes 11 days before the annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in the pub to buy their teams ahead of the English football season.
In a press conference this afternoon in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the chairman said: “Managers will have to be a lot more wary of who they outlay the big money on at the auction. You don’t want to be stuck with a £30m out-of-sorts Andy Carroll on your hands, or even worse a Titus Bramble forfeit player.”
A top secret brochure of players to be sold in set order will be distributed to managers immediately before the auction starts – a move away from the traditional method of managers taking turns to pick players at random.
The chairman has hit back at critics of the plan, who think it will lead to less spontaneity: “To improve the auction experience, every manager will have one wildcard pick each, so that they can introduce a player of their own choosing at any stage of the auction.
“Five selected lots will be sold in a first-price sealed bid auction – where potential buyers will secretly write down their maximum bid, with the highest winning.”
No indication was made of who exactly the forfeit players would be for the auction, but Kenna HQ did confirm a 23-strong squad.
Made up of 11 young or loaned out Premier League footballers (The Bramble Youth) and 11 high-profile individuals who have earned notoriety off the pitch (Titus Bramble’s Pub XI), the Titus Bramble squad will be used as bogey players for managers breaking the rules.
Record breakers: In its eight-year history the Kenna has never had a single ginger manager (photo courtesy of D*J*P)
WINNING Kenna teams score 33 points a week and losing ones 22 points, according to league records published today.
Archives show that in the eight football seasons since the Kenna League was founded each player in the winning team picked up three points a week on average – 111 points a season.
Stats also show FC Testiculadew’s ‘Kenna in the bag‘ championship in 2011/12 was the league’s most dominant.
FCT romped home a record 129 points ahead of the pack, were the highest scoring team ever and clocked up the best ever Manager of the Month performance: 251 points in January 2012.
Vasco De Beauvoir hold the golden boot record with 80 goals scored during their double-winning campaign of 2009/10.
Enjoying considerably less renown are the Fat Ladies, who two seasons after winning their 2007/08 Kenna crown pulled out the worst league performance in history, finishing 205 points adrift.
In the same year, Dynamo Temple ended the defence of their Kenna championship by picking up just four dismal points in May’s Manager of the Month contest.
Kenna managers will hope to be breaking these records when they assemble in a London pub to attend the annual auction next month ahead of the English football season.
THE FORMER manager of Vasco De Beauvoir has been announced as the best ever to compete in the Kenna League.
Despite getting sacked in two months ago after leading the side to relegation for the first time in an eight-year career, the Vasco manager tops the charts through winning two league titles and two Canesten Combi Cups since the Kenna was founded in 2005.
The Worcestershire man also holds 11 Manager of the Month (MOTM) awards, the league record.
The Young Boys, FC Testiculadew and Dynamo Temple managers – all with one league championship and one cup apiece – will be mindful that they could take top spot in the all time stats if they scoop the double in the upcoming season.
Yes, you can retrain: The Dan Terry Seduction manager took a vocational route out of the Kenna
Kenna managers past and present with at least two campaigns’ experience were ranked against each other on leagues won, cups won, podium finishes and MOTM awards.
The veteran managers of Piedmonte and Newington Reds, the only others apart from the Vasco gaffer to compete in all eight Kenna seasons, find themselves down the rankings with just two podium finishes each and no silverware.
The Devils boss, who led the club between 2006 and 2010, is the highest ranked female manager with one podium finish. A condescending and cringe-worthy corporate awards ceremony involving flowers and chocolates awaits.
The former Vasco manager, who is also the Kenna League chairman, said: “To be fair, if I hadn’t always had a feeling that two championships and two cups meant I was the best ever Kenna manager, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much time working out the damn stats to prove it.”
Rumours abound as to which team the chairman will manage in the new term. Westgreenspor, Eintracht Mind, Getoverit 96 and Total Network Failure have all be linked to the former Vasco boss.
The publication of ‘Jeff’s hall of fame’ comes 25 days before the ninth annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in a London pub to buy their teams in preparation for the Premier League season.
Homework: Kenna managers are advised to familiarise themselves with the best 14 players from each Premier League club (photo courtesy of CarlosVaZquezCHJ)
MANAGERS preparing for next month’s Kenna auction have been warned to ‘do their homework’ as competition for players will be at an all time high.
Around 25 managers have expressed their interest in entering this season’s contest, a 25 per cent increase on last year’s record membership.
Top footballers are anticipated to attract sky high bids – while even prices for those of middleweight quality are predicted to swell – compared to previous auctions.
At the unveiling of the new player list this afternoon, exactly one calendar month and a day before the auction, the Kenna chairman said: “It used to be that quality players came to England from around the world and managers could get lucky at the auction.
“If they want to be competitive this season managers had better do their homework. As membership of the Kenna has gone up over the years we’ve seen more money spent on the most desirable players, and we expect this trend to continue. This auction will be harder, better, faster, stronger and more drunken than anything that’s come before.
“Whereas Sergio Aguero fetched a record £40m last August, we expect him to go for a lot more than that this year as managers come face to face with the task of securing the best talent.
“The maths is simple: if 25 managers attend next month’s auction it will take 275 players to fill all the teams. That means an average of nearly 14 players from each Premier League squad will go under the hammer.
“It won’t just be English players fetching a premium. Continental Europeans, South Americans, Africans and even Asians will cost a fair coin, and there’s always something about US players that makes them popular.”
Sharp exit: The chairman was last seen speeding away in a 1992 Mercedes 190e after announcing a league entry fee increase (photo courtesy of Spottedlaurel)
The ninth annual Kenna auction will take place in a London pub on 10 August, one week before the start of the Premier League season.
Each manager will start with £100m to buy their eleven players in a 4-4-2 formation.
Two opportunities to keep teams fresh will be offered during the campaign, at transfer windows in October and February.
At this morning’s press conference, the chairman refused to be drawn on rumours of a new open market transfer window system for the 2013/14 season. Confirmation is expected in the next few weeks.
The chairman did put down reports the auction was to be broadcast on Radio 5 Live.
“We thought with the turmoil and BBC evolution (or, whatever, revolution) 909 medium wave might be interested in buying the rights, but it turns out it clashes with a cricket contest we’ll all be glued to anyway. We probably should have pitched it to niche broadcasters – you know how these people in digital love something different.
“Oh yes, and did I mention the entry fee rise? No? I thought I did. Oh well, one more time: we’re putting up the entry fee to £25 per manager,” said the chairman, as he climbed into the back of the league’s executive prestige car just before it sped off.
Attack: The Still Don’t Know Yet front pair came top in a straight comparison (photo courtesy of Pan African News Wire)
THE KENNA League is jumping on the pundit bandwagon about the Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny partnership being the basis of Arsenal’s realised European ambition.
The four best defences in the Kenna this season helped their team to a top-half finish. Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique shared a tremendous season at Judean Peoples’ Front to crown the team best at the back.
In midfield, the Just Put Carles manager’s decision to stick with his starting four of Arteta, Silva, Osman and Henderson – more likely through not turning up to transfer windows than anything else – paid dividends.
Despite winning the league on Sunday with the most goals scored of any side, Sporting Lesbian fell short in defence and midfield for which the front pair of Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero more than atoned. Only Robin van Persie and Arouna Kone at Still Don’t Know Yet did better.
The Sporting manager’s celebratory tweet today suggests a William Hill account has taken a bit of beating over the last few months.
@jeffkennaleague Delighted with the season, the prize money just about covers all the dodgy bets I’ve made this season..
