The treasurer gets debriefed

HAVING missed the Kenna League auction the Saturday before, the treasurer was keen to get up to speed on matters. It would be a busy day.

To begin he kept an appointment with his auction second. The treasurer had left detailed instructions with his trusted associate on who to sign and who to avoid. In particular, the treasurer had told his second to ensure only players likely to make plenty of appearances were bought.

They met for coffee.

It is was a painful latte. But leaving the coffee shop and walking in the summer air the treasurer began to feel more optimistic about his side, Bala Rinas. Andre Ayew, Graziano Pelle and Dimitri Payet had all made good starts to the campaign. Perhaps things weren’t so bad after all.

Entering the lobby of Kenna HQ, the treasurer even felt genuine enthusiasm about his chances. Passing the door of the speculations department he saw the chalkstripes inside busy working out the odds on the season’s outcomes. In between lines of hurry up.

He decided to pop in and test his confidence in Bala Rinas. He approached the head chalkstripe.

His biggest rival! Despite consistently acting the buffoon, the Anders Breivik lookalike and manager of Judean Peoples’ Front had auctioned enviously well.

It was only the second week of the campaign, but it was difficult not to get despondent.

The treasurer composed himself. His next meeting was with the chairman. A financial review of the auction. Bean counting, his true speciality. In his control. Fully. An excellent way to take his mind off things.

When he entered the Kenna executive suite, the chairman was in superb spirits. Literally. The executive cocktail cabinet was heavily disturbed.

The treasurer launched into review.

Kenna table – week 2

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Young Boys	Andrew D	36	3
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	35	1
3	Thieving Magpies	Phil	34	0
4	Cowley Casuals	Stu	32	1
5	Team Panda	George	31	1
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	3
7	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	29	1
8	KS West Green	Stix	28	2
9	Headless Chickens	John N	27	1
10	FC Tescticuladew	James N	26	0
11	Newington Reds	Ben D	25	0
12	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	1
13	Uncertain	Pete B	23	0
14	Carles	Carles	23	0
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	0
16	ISIL	Abdi	18	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	1
18	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	13	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	12	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
		Club	*Young Boys*

Judean Peoples’ Front 2015/16

Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Twitter name: @sholtoGH

Since: 2008

Home ground: Wetsuit Way

Training facility: The Island

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.411 – 6th
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Dr Dre – Bang Bang

Season preview in one sentence: Despite the bluster, the Anders Breivik lookalike has assembled a side capable of another podium finish, unless he gets caught short at another transfer window.

Boruc, A (TW2)	BOU	£ ?m
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£ 16.00
Skrtel, M	LIV	£ 9.00
Shawcross, R	STO	£ 1.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£ 3.00
Barkley, R	EVE	£ 10.00
Toure, Y	MCY	£ 20.00
M’Vila, Y (TW2)	SUN	£ ?m
Lingard, J (TW2)	MUN	£ ?m
Valencia, E (TW2)	WHM	£ ?m
Austin, C (TW2)	SOT	£ ?m
		£ ?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £9.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Boruc, A – Bournemouth goalkeeper – £?m
M’Vila, Y – Sunderland midfielder – £?m
Lingard, J – Manchester United midfielder – £?m
Valencia, E – West Ham striker – £?m
Austin, C – Southampton striker – £?m

Out
Speroni, J – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – free
Cazorla, S – Arsenal midfielder – free
Herrera, A – Manchester United midfielder – free
Cisse, P – Newcastle striker – free
Rodriguez, J – Southampton striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

The Hoop and Grapes, Farringdon

A KENNA manager embezzled money from classic car sales to bankroll his team, it has emerged.

Five players from the Judean Peoples’ Front team were bought using £11m made from flogging a well-known, carrot top’s collection of Ferraris and Jaguars.

“It’s poppycock to suggest I’ve used the credit from classic car sales to buy Jay Rodriguez (£6m), Papiss Cisse (£0.5m), Ander Herrera (£0.5m), Tony Alderweireld (£3m) and Ryan Shawcross (£1m),” said the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, picking a ginger pube from between his teeth.

The controversy is the only blemish on an otherwise superb fantasy football auction held at the Hoop and Grapes in Farringdon on Saturday.

For nearly six hours, 16 managers battled it out. The auction was augmented by silent bids from a further three absent managers.

The Titus Bramble forfeit ruling was enforced just twice in the afternoon. The absence of the Somali manager of ISIL was largely agreed as the reason why Titus made such few appearances.

Full week one scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table

Kenna week 1 - 11 August 2015 — Kenna week 1 – 11 August 2015

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	43	4
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	42	3
3	FC Tescticuladew	James N	37	2
4	Team Panda	George	36	0
5	Cowley Casuals	Stu	34	2
6	KS West Green	Stix	33	2
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	32	2
8	Young Boys	Andrew D	32	2
9	Thieving Magpies	Phil	31	0
10	Newington Reds	Ben D	27	1
11	Uncertain	Pete B	26	0
12	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	24	1
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
14	Headless Chickens	John N	22	1
15	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	21	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
17	ISIL	Abdi	17	0
18	Carles	Carles	14	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	Albrighton, M – LEI – MID
		Club	*Dynamo Charlton*

Bala Rinas 2015/16

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.47 – 7th
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Season preview in one sentence: Unable to attend the treasurer sent a second, who despite instructions otherwise took great pleasure in signing David de Gea.

de Gea, D	MUN	£ 0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£ 0.50
Pieters, E	STO	£ 1.00
Mangala, E	MCY	£ 6.00
Lescott, J	WBA	£ 12.00
Ramsey, A	ARS	£ 18.00
Payet, D	WHM	£ 10.00
McCarthy, J	EVE	£ 2.00
Ayew, A	SWA	£ 10.00
Pelle, G	SOT	£ 15.00
Sturridge, D	LIV	£ 20.00
		£ 95.00

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £15m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £15m

The Kenna Index

SILVERWARE has always been the preferred method of measuring glory in football.

Fantasy football is no different. Cups, trophies, titles, vases and manager of the month awards are the traditional currency of success, but in leagues where managers come and go is the amount of butler’s elbow grease required the best yardstick of achievement?

Managers who have kicked around a league for years may have won spoils early in their career when the league was more intimate before fading in the face of newer, more dynamic competition and greater numbers of challengers.

As entrants gather for tomorrow’s 11th annual Kenna League auction in a pub on Farringdon Road, they may well wonder if there’s a scientific mechanism for deciding who is most likely to finish where come May.

Luckily, there now is! The Kenna Index.

By turning each manager’s final league position into a fraction, adding those fractions together and dividing the total by the number of campaigns in which they’ve competed, Kenna HQ can accurately predict a manager’s most likely finishing place.

It’s not surprise to see the Tactical Brambler (James N) topping the stats. He’s won the league twice, and ended 10th and 7th in another two seasons.

Two titles in three years puts the Sporting Lesbian manager (Ben M) close second. In a league of 20, both managers would be expected – on form – to finish in the top two spots.

The Lokomotiv Leeds boss (Ben S) is the highest ranked manager to have not won any silverware. The Walthamstow Reds boss (Dudley) is the most consistent of everyone to compete in all 10 seasons, and the best Wulfrunian.

The Young Boys manager (Denney) is the highest ranked Welshman. The Just Put Carles manager (Carles) the highest Catalan.

At the other end, the former Still Don’t Know Yet manager (Pete) is the least successful of those competing tomorrow. In three campaigns he’s never finished higher than 14th and in May the club was finally put out of its misery and relegated.

Most importantly, the Kenna Index provides evidence of the most mid-table manager. Dynamo Temple may not have competed in the league for five years, but in those first six seasons the manager (Yellboy) has put down a marker of mediocrity that will be hard to beat for some time.

The Kenna Index

	Kenna Index
James N (4)	0.137
Ben M (3)	0.149
Ben S (3)	0.294
Denney (7)	0.3
Dudley (10)	0.4
Sholto (6)	0.411
Lewis (5)	0.47
Stix (10)	0.48
Higgin (4)	0.487
Yellboy (6)	0.501
Phil (10)	0.519
Jack (9)	0.564
Aiden (4)	0.576
Will Y (3)	0.583
Helen (4)	0.583
Carles (5)	0.604
Ted (6)	0.614
Seares (4)	0.616
Alex (4)	0.627
John N (4)	0.641
Mike (3)	0.643
Abdi (5)	0.68
El Pons (5)	0.755
Pete (3)	0.78
Clare (3)	0.784

10 reasons to miss the Kenna League fantasy football auction

LONDON’S leading pub-based fantasy football auction takes place this Saturday afternoon.

Those taking part will tell you for the armchair manager it’s a unique experience unlikely to be found elsewhere.

Six hours of fierce bidding and fierce drinking to sign eleven Premier League players in the tried-and-tested 4-4-2 formation.

Last week we looked at reasons why managers should get involved, but what of those who shun the Kenna?

Here are 10 reasons why you wouldn’t take part.

1. You’re a Premier League manager

Jose Mourinho — RDOMINIQUE FAGET/AFP/Getty Images

Surely the reason not to take part in fantasy football management is if you have a job in real football management.

2. The other half is in charge of your diary

You’ve never liked her old school friend. Yet here you are in a rural village at her bloody wedding. Surrounded by people whose interest in football is comparable to the strength of your phone signal. It’s a cash bar three miles from the nearest hole in the wall. You curse your lack of initiative in domestic arrangements.

3. American dentists consider you good sport

How did Cecil the lion have his eggs?

4. You don’t actually like football, you just pretend to because everyone else does.

Chipping into water cooler chats with the occasional ‘Costa is really suited to the English game’ is an easy way to stay in with the crowd. Spending six hours in a pub surrounded by football ‘bantz’ is unfettered torture.

5. Preparation for a slumber party.

Only four days until guests arrive and so much to do: bake cupcakes, buy two extra microphones for SingStar, try on every cotton hot pant/vest combo in the wardrobe before deciding on what to wear. Quite why a potential Kenna manager would invite several teenage girls to a sleepover is anyone’s guess…

6. Death in the family. Close family, mind. A cousin’s pushing it.

Who’s not only selfish enough to die, but gets buried on a Saturday too?

7. You’re an enemy of the Kenna

Whether it’s a gripe over league rules or a throwaway comment about the competence of the committee, several hours of ‘football reeducation’ in a soundproof room beneath Kenna HQ is never far away. The eyes, ears and agents of the manager experiences department are everywhere.

8. You’re a loser.

Even taking part in a fantasy auction in public is too cool for you.

9. A life-changing windfall

Let’s face it: the league’s annual investment in Premium Bonds has less chance of paying out than a Euromillions ticket. If one manager was that lucky winner this Friday, those new-found riches could be just enough to turn the head.

10. A specialist appointment

You tried to find out if you could prove number 10 wrong from last week, didn’t you?

10 reasons to take part in the Kenna fantasy football auction

Next Saturday sees the 11th Kenna League fantasy football auction.

It’s a unique experience. Around 20 managers perched around a pub table, player lists at the ready, trying to make eleven signings in a 4-4-2 formation to win them the league.

In a process that takes up to six hours, alcohol, self-doubt, bluff and double bluff are just some of the challenges managers must overcome.

Where no manager can buy more than one player from each Premier League club, the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling lurks at every turn.

With many already paid up, here are the benefits of taking one of the few remaining places at the table.

1. ManYoo v Spurs and Chels v Swans will be on in the background

For the first time, the auction will take place on the opening day of the season. Managers will have to to decide whether a Carlton Cole brace means he’s a top, top, top, top, top, top player or just plain old CFC (Carlton effing Cole) on a lucky day. Hundreds of other mind-boggling permutations await.

2. You will only have to make transfers twice this season

As Ruud Gullit discovered, football isn’t all bars and discotheques. Expect for Kenna managers, it is. They are only required to visit the pub three times a season to stay in with a shot at the title: the auction and two transfer windows.

3. Proper champagne will be served before the bidding begins

Thanks to the generosity of last season’s cash winners, a toast will be made before the auction to The 1,000-year Kenna. Which is a damn sight longer than this Kenny Rogers wannabe, who looks like he wouldn’t last 1,000 milliseconds.

3. For the next nine months, you can smugly explain the Kenna to wide-eyed, envious simpletons still sucking from the teat of FPL/Mirror/Sky Sports fantasy football

Kenna managers past and present will tell you it’s the superior form of the game. Everyone else is just lining the pockets of media barons.

5. From midday you can start drinking. Heavily.

Your unfathomable thirst has a home. So long as you buy the chairman a drink.

6. The joy of watching other, less-informed managers sign injured players.

Sly glances shoot across the table. Wasn’t he was stretchered off in a friendly last week? He’s out for a few months, isn’t he? But now two people are actually bidding for him. Can everyone keep a poker face until the hammer goes down? The sale. The mirth. The pure relief you checked your initial instinct to bid. ‘He’s injured.’

7. The auction will take place on a balcony with an outdoor telly and a retractable awning so you can smoke without interruption to your bidding tactics.

The old days of crowding around a table bursting with pint glasses, player lists and hedgehog ashtrays are back.

8. At some point someone will Bramble themselves both hideously and comically.

Like the morning session of the first day of at Lord’s, the opening lots are a low key affair. Those assembled bubble quietly. Politely. A slow dramatic build up as managers begin to fill their team sheets and rounds of drinks appear and appear again. The moment will finally come when someone, somewhere buys an illegal player. The stumps clatter, bails fly and everyone shouts ‘BRAMBLE!’. All of a sudden it’s the evening session on the ~~third~~ second day of Edgbaston.

9. Due to other commitments, the treasurer is sending a second who’s never taken part in a Kenna auction before.

Either by carelessness or design, the treasurer is unable to attend the auction in person. In his stead will be a second. A decent enough sort, but by all accounts a Kenna virgin who will spend the first hour wondering what the blazes is unfolding. It remains to be seen whether this recipe will improve on the two third place finishes the treasurer achieved in the last two seasons.

10. At £25, it’s cheaper to enter than most STD-free hookers.

How willing are you to prove this wrong?

Bayer pulls cup sponsorship

GERMAN pharmaceutical giant Bayer has withdrawn Canesten Combi sponsorship of the Kenna cup competition over a disagreement about new rules.

Kenna HQ announced the Canesten Combi Cup regulations will be changed this season so total team points rather than goals will be the deciding factor in head to heads. The decision follows an extensive consultation period with managers.

Bayer claim the rule change is inconsistent with its brand values. A company suit said: “When we first partnered with the Kenna in 2006 the contest was based on points, and that was congruent. Back then we were focused of reducing irritation both for our customers and for managers who found themselves in the lower half of the table halfway through the season without a chance of silverware.

“In 2012, the cup format was changed to goals, which was absolutely in line with our own goals as world leader in the fight against vaginal thrush. However, we feel Kenna HQ has made a right gorilla salad of the competition with this latest rule change. We like our cups to be neat and tidy.”

Under pressure to find a new sponsor, and with less than two weeks until the start of the new season, Kenna representatives yesterday met executives from Swiss pharmaceutical company Roche. A deal appears to be have struck.

A bleary-eyed chairman said this morning: “Talks were going well yesterday but when negotiations began to stall the guys from Roche insisted Swiss custom dictates we take a half-hour break to join them for a drink.

“Things get a little hazy after that. The next thing I knew I’d woken up in a strange hotel room feeling like a Bill Cosby co-star. In my hand was a signed five-year sponsorship deal. It had even been named.”

The Narcozep Cup kicks off in the autumn.

The group stage draw will take place in the pub ahead of next Saturday’s auction.

Fantasy football head to heads: points or goals?

FANS of fantasy football around the globe are being asked to vote in one of the format’s most controversial issues.

As the world prepares for the opening round of the English Premier League two weeks tomorrow, we’re asking them: should fantasy football head to heads be judged on points or goals?

The Jeff Kenna League has been running a head-to-head cup competition since 2006, the original aim of which is to give managers whose sides are not faring so well in the league an opportunity to pick up silverware in a knockout tournament.

The Canesten Combi Cup, as it was named after a lucrative sponsorship deal with German pharmaceutical giant Bayer, ran for some years pitching managers’ points tallies head to head in a particular gameweek.

In 2012, Kenna League organisers changed the format to goals. The idea was managers could more easily follow their fortunes over the weekend, rather than wait for the scores and tables roundups published every Tuesday, known to managers as The Rub.

Over the last couple of seasons, Kenna HQ has come under criticism for changing the cup from points scored to goals. The debate has become so fierce the Kenna chairman has been moved to seek wider opinion on the matter.

“We want the fantasy football community to help guide our future plans,” he said in a press conference at opening time in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“The Kenna’s democratic and open governance means we’re not just going to tell you what to do and expect you to adapt, like some other fantasy football competitions which I won’t name here. We promise to read, digest and act upon every single comment left on this article,” the chairman said, without adding the most comments a Kenna post has ever attracted is three.

“The comments below will inform Kenna HQ in which format will be used this season.”

Should head-to-heads be based on goals scored in a week or points? Tell Kenna HQ below.

Registrations open for 11th Kenna auction

TWENTY places are up for grabs at the Kenna League auction next month.

The 11th Kenna auction will take place on Saturday 8 August in The Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Due to the second-earliest start to the season in Premier League history, Kenna HQ has taken the unprecedented decision to hold the auction on the opening day.

Bidding will begin at 12.45pm to coincide with kick off of the opening game – Manchester United v Spurs.

Managers will have to cope with the added dynamic of events on the pitch influencing events in the pub.

“The venue has a large balcony with a TV screen and a retractable awning. The good old days of sitting around a table covered with pints, player lists and brimming ashtrays are back. Hashtag pressure cooker,” said the chairman, who made the announcement at a launch event alongside the league treasurer (pictured above).

Potential managers are urged to reserve their place by contacting the treasurer to transfer the £25 entry fee.

Tuning in to Radio Luxembourg

Rules will adhere to the accepted Titus Bramble conditions, but there are a few tweaks.

Players to be introduced to auction will be picked at random using cutting-edge technology devised by the chaps in charts and graphs.

Managers not completing their team in the allotted auction time will have the gaps filled at random afterwards, and receive a remaining budget decided by the committee. Most likely this will be the average remaining budget of everyone else.

For those who can’t attend there are two choices:

You can make arrangements with a second to bid remotely.
Applications are open to submit silent bids (see below). Whether your application is accepted will depend on auction attendance numbers (no more than 20) and your commitment to the league.

Silent bidding must be seen as a last resort by managers who cannot attend next month. Anyone submitting silent bids must attend at least one transfer window this season to qualify for next summer’s auction, which they must attend in person.

Silent bids

Successful applicants will pick 11 desired players, attributing a bid to each one. The total bids must not exceed £100m. Bids for individual players can range between £0.5m and £50m. The Titus Bramble ruling will be enforced.

The manager submits the bids confidentially to charts and graphs. When a player with a silent bid attached is introduced to auction, the reserve price and interested manager will be announced, and bidding will start from there.

A silent bidder is unlikely to fill a team. See the paragraph above about non completion.

Contact the chairman for application details.

Transfer windows

Silent bidding is for the auction only. It will not be run for transfer windows.

If you cannot attend a transfer window and cannot bid remotely through a second, any gaps in your team will be filled at random.

The first window will be held on Friday 16 October, the eve of the Premier League restart after the international break.

As tradition dictates, the first Friday after the January window shuts will hold the second Kenna transfer window – Friday 5 February.