Moonraking them dry: Once again the FC Testiculadew manager had been caught red handed watching unauthorised films using club equipment (photo courtesy of lucy_sarson)
PANTOMIME villain the FC Testiculadew manager is wringing his hands in sinister fashion after leading his side to the top of the Kenna League.
Goals from Edin Dzeko, Christian Benteke, Jonjo Shelvey and Kevin Mirallas saw FC Testiculadew cruise past a dismal performance from Hairy Fadjeetas.
The FCT manager is hunting for his second league title in just three years of competing in the Kenna.
Despite winning the league on debut by a record 129 points in the 2011/12 season, the manager is most well known for inventing the pernicious act of tactical Brambling – an underhand ploy to subvert the league’s forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.
Kenna HQ has since brought in heavier penalties to discourage against tactical Brambling.
New regulations have not stopped the Olisdebe auction becoming known as the graveyard of the Kenna’s spirit.
The FCT manager has continued to be marked by his ruthlessness towards the Kenna and his unscrupulousness interpreting league regulations.
Speaking to media this morning outside the club’s Itchyballs Park training facility, the FCT manager said: “First there was the dream, now the reality. Here in the untainted cradle of the heavens will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens.”
Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)
RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.
The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.
Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.
Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.
Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.
FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.
As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.
Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.
Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.
Cheerio
Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox
Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet
Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green
Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton
Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum
Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green
Bramble tied
FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael
PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer
Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters
Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic
Built like an Alp and ridged like a Toblerone: What forecourt sales patter will charm Kenna managers ahead of this Friday’s transfer window?
‘There’s never been a better time to change your car.’
A lifetime ago when the Kenna chairman prowled the forecourt of a provincial dealership of premium German cars, this was the mantra of the managing director.
He said the phrase so often one likely mechanic went as far as to suggest the MD uttered it to his wife ‘before slipping her one’.
There was much sniggering and raised eyebrows, but after a while the penny dropped. As an opening pitch it was cast iron. It could woo any customer.
Those just browsing were suddenly reminded their current car was losing value every day. Those seriously looking were gently spurred towards the dotted line. Those salivating over the garish demonstrator with all the knobs and buttons whole-heartedly agreed.
But there was an overriding reason this phrase worked so well: everyone turns up to a premium German car dealership in a car.
It seems obvious, but whether it’s another prestige motor, a mass market Volkswagen or a clapped out Ford Scorpio, everyone visiting a premium German car showroom has one thing in common: they’re thinking of an upgrade.
And many are dreamers. If they were shopping for a drive within their means and with hard science, they would be in a Kia garage.
And that’s why shiny foreign cars and are like shiny foreign footballers.
When it comes to those big-money signings, clubs are always looking for an upgrade. They want to say to their fans and to their rivals ‘look at us, we mean business, we’re up there with the best’.
Just like some pinstripe at the top of his game would rather turn up to that important meeting in a BMW 7-series rather than a Kia Ceed.
The Kenna League transfer window takes place this Friday night. Managers will gather in The Enterprise on Red Lion Street looking to inject some fresh football talent into their teams.
Over the last month a selection of shiny foreign imports have filtered into England’s top flight.
Who will Kenna managers go after? Who will fetch the most money at auction?
Of course, there’s no sure way of telling how successful a silky continental striker will be in the Kenna. Take Dani Osvaldo – a failure sure to be released by Newington Reds by Wednesday’s Kenna deadline.
So when it comes to the auction – three pints of strong lager on an empty stomach, the pressure of getting results by May – Kenna managers aren’t going for the Kia Ceed. They don’t care about fuel consumption or seven-year guarantees. They want a Beamer with all the trimmings, with ‘skin, wind and bark’.
Like a car showroom full of eager sales executives, the media is full of managers, new team mates and former teammates expounding the virtues of their latest delivery.
Now is the time that Kenna managers must choose between the flattery and the pad, because that hour of shooting from the hip in the pub on Friday night will define the rest of their season.
There’s never been a better time to change your car.
Strikers
Konstantinos Mitroglu (Fulham): “Eric Cantona was a great, great player – one of the best, but Konstantinos is very strong. I remember watching Cantona on television and he was holding the ball up – that’s the type of player Konstantinos is.” Roy Carroll, former teammate at Olympiakos.
Marco Boriello (West Ham) – “It’s not too difficult to say what we want from Marco – that’s goals and Italian flair.” Sam Allardyce.
Luke De Jong (Newcastle) – ‘He’s a great character and a proven goalscorer who I know is very keen to replicate the prolific form he showed for FC Twente in the Eredivisie.’ Joe Kinnear.
Midfielders
Aiden McGeady (Everton) – “The first time I saw Aiden was in 2007 in an Old Firm game against Rangers. He was special. He was a match winner, playing with his socks down. I love a player who is as good in one-versus-one situations as Aiden.” Roberto Martinez.
Anotnio Nocerino (West Ham) – “Antonio is a link between defence and forward play that makes us more creative in possession and more resilient when we’re out of it.” Sam Allardyce.
Mohamed Salah (Chelsea) – “He reminds me of Robben, the way he plays going from the right wing but going inside left-footed. I hope he is going to be important for us.” Jose Mourinho.
Nemanja Matic (Chelsea) – “Nemanja’s a spider, stealing balls and the way he runs and moves.” Branislav Ivanovic.
Magnus Wolff Eikram (Cardiff) – “He’s a playmaker, a quarterback if you will, someone who likes to get on the ball and can see a pass.” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
Kim Kallstrom (Arsenal) – “We identified he would be injured for four to six weeks, so they will pay him for the first six weeks of his wages. There’s a possibility he will not play, but also a possibility he will score a vital winning goal.” Arsene Wenger.
Defenders
Kurt Zouma (Chelsea) – “He’s a player with big potential, physically ready. One thing is to be physically ready, another thing is to be tactically ready. Well done Chelsea.” Jose Mourinho.
Marcos Alonso (Sunderland) – “I watch a lot of Spanish football and I saw him play for Real Madrid. When he joined Bolton, it surprised me.” Gus Poyet.
‘Aerobatic joyriders’: The chairman was heavily critical of the Red Arrows today when they turned down a Kenna flypast request (photo courtesy of Crustyfur)
THE Kenna League chairman launched an astonishing attack on the Red Arrows today after they turned down a flypast request for this summer’s 10th anniversary auction.
The Kenna announced on Tuesday the Royal Air Force Aerobatic Team would be part of the league’s landmark celebrations on Saturday 9 August this year, when they would perform a flypast over the City of London pub where the auction is to be held.
The chairman was forced into an embarrassing u-turn today when a leaked email from the Ministry of Defence revealed 25 blokes on an all-dayer did not meet the strict event criteria demanded for Red Arrows flypasts.
“Red Arrows? Don’t talk to me about the Red f***ing Arrows!” roared the chairman at a press conference called to discuss next Wednesday’s Kenna transfer window deadline.
“Football and pubs. That’s what British society is and that’s exactly what the Kenna stands for: football and pubs. Those aerobatic joyriders wouldn’t know a cornerstone of the British institution if it pinched one off in their cockpit.
“They say flypasts over London by military aircraft are restricted to Royal, state or exceptionally high-profile events. What do those showboaters think the Kenna is? We’ve got nearly 200 followers on Twitter.”
With flypast plans scrapped, the chairman admitted the league was thin on the ground for ideas of how best to mark the 10th anniversary of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
“If Sepp Blatter turns down his invite, it’s squeaky bum time,” he said.
Day to remember: An artist’s impression of crowds gathered for the 10th anniversary Kenna auction this August (photo courtesy of the Ministry of Defence)
THE Red Arrows will join this summer’s 10th anniversary Kenna auction celebrations.
In their famous diamond formation, the RAF aerobatic team will stage a flypast outside the pub where the auction is due to take place on Saturday 9 August.
“We’re delighted to announce the Red Arrows will be part of the celebrations for our landmark 10th Kenna football auction,” confirmed the chairman today at a press conference in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.
“The motto of the Red Arrows is ‘eclat’ or excellence, and this mutual aspiration for the highest standards between our organisations is surely the reason why they’ll agree to mark this culmination of two cornerstones of British society: football and pubs.
“The league is the envy of football and pub fans the world over. With membership growing in the league each year, we can be certain this summer’s event will see up to 25 managers competing for the prize.”
Confident: The chairman waved a copy of the flypast request to the media
Initial respect from assembled journalists was quickly overtaken by scepticism when it emerged the chairman had only just faxed off the Red Arrows flypast request to the Ministry of Defence in the last 10 minutes.
“Of course, we haven’t heard back from the RAF yet. They’re busy playing cricket on an airfield or getting their batman to lay out formal evening wear, but we’ve made a watertight request well ahead of the 31 March deadline.
“There’s not a doubt in my mind the squadron leader or bomber command, or whoever the handlebar moustache is in charge of these things, will rubber stamp the request and give our 10th Kenna auction the sense of occasion it deserves.”
The chairman refused to confirm the exact location of the auction since it was ‘now a matter of national security’.
Next week will see this season’s second transfer window, where managers release their unwanted players and then head to the pub to buy replacements at auction.
Samurai: Dani Osvaldo in a Newington Reds training session last week
NEWINGTON Reds have suspended their striker Dani Osvaldo for two weeks following an unspecified training-ground incident, the Kenna League club have announced.
Newington Reds have said that the striker’s behaviour fell below the standards they expect of their players but have said that they will make no further comment on the matter.
“Newington Reds Football Club has today suspended striker Dani Osvaldo for two weeks, following an incident at the club’s Mildmay Grove training ground,” read a statement.
“The club has taken swift and proper action for what it considers a breach of the conduct expected of its players. Southampton will be making no further comment on this matter.”
Osvaldo was suspended for three matches in January and hit with a £40,000 fine for his part in a touchline confrontation in December during Newington Reds’ Canesten Combi Cup match with Sporting Lesbian.
The striker has a reputation for causing trouble and has twice been in trouble for punching team-mates. At Bologna he hit Nicola Mingazzini in a pre-season training session and, three years ago, he was fined and suspended for punching his then Roma colleague Erik Lamela, now at Pikey Scum, reportedly for refusing to pass to him.
“He has a reputation, a beard and a samurai topknot so I think these rumours about bringing a sword to training are true, or I at least I hope they are,” speculated the Kenna League chairman.
With just two goals since being signed by the Reds manager for £1.5m in the Kenna October transfer window, Osvaldo looks likely to be released by the club at the season’s second and final window on 7 February.
Finding a replacement may be tricky for the Reds. The record number of teams in the Kenna this season means a shortage of striking talent – Gary Hooper, Marouane Chamakh and Jozy Altidore head the list of available front men.
Former glories: A Jenna Jameson film is at the centre of a Kenna controversy involving former league winner the Young Boys manager and the phone-hacking trial (photo courtesy of worldstreetphotos.com)
SECRET videos belonging to football clubs in the Kenna League have turned up into the phone-hacking trial at the Old Bailey, it has been claimed.
The manager of Kenna League club Young Boys of Vauxhall says the film contains through-the-keyhole recordings of his side’s top secret training sessions.
The Welshman claims the illicit content has compromised his team’s competitiveness this season.
Disgruntled supporters’ groups have pointed out the Young Boys manager’s outburst is merely a smokescreen to deflect attention away from the club’s appalling league form and failure to progress from the Canesten Combi Cup group stages this week.
They also claim the film has nothing to do with Young Boys and is actually a romp starring ‘The Queen of Porn’ Jenna Jameson on a plane full of lesbians.
The Sporting Lesbian manager, another Canesten Combi Cup group C side eliminated from the tournament, is also said to have mobilised club lawyers after two other lesbian films were found in Charlie Brooks’s bag: Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 2 and Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 3.
Media commentators maintain such a link between the high-profile criminal case and London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is whimsical at best.
Meanwhile, the PSV Mornington renaissance continued this week under their maverick new manager, a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.
Santi Cazorla scored two goals for PSV to both ensure their progress out of group D of the Canesten Combi Cup and cut the gap on fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu and the aforementioned Young Boys.
Known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ to wags at the club, the caretaker manager was given the job permanently last week after turning around their fortunes in the league and cup.
The former PSV manager was sacked before Christmas for overseeing five of the worst months of performances in Kenna history.
The last 16 draw for the Canesten Combi Cup will take place at the season’s second transfer window two weeks on Friday.
Managers have until noon on Wednesday 5 February to submit their unwanted players to Kenna HQ. Two days later an auction will be held at The Enterprise in Holborn where managers can fill the gaps in their team with available players and the gaps in their stomach by several glasses of premium lager.
Stiff competition: PSV Mornington beat off interest from other clubs to sign Guardiola on a permanent basis today (photo courtesy of Paddy Power)
A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.
Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.
There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.
Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.
Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.
For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.
‘Welease Bwyan’: Ruiz has scored just once this season (photo courtesy of Spiderpudel)
FOWARD Bryan Ruiz has been told he can leave Klub Sportowy West Green.
The Costa Rica international, 28, was signed by the club for £14m in the Kenna pre-season auction in August 2013.
But Ruiz has scored only once this season and has started only eight games for the mid-table side.
“We have allowed Bryan Ruiz to talk to a number of clubs to see if something can come out of that,” said the KS West Green manager, who’s also chairman of the Kenna League .
“I wouldn’t call his signing a mistake, well actually it was a mistake because I’d signed Brede Hangeland for £15m earlier in the auction and under the Titus Bramble ruling I had to forfeit the most expensive of the two for a bogey player, leaving me with Ruiz and some unknown youth teamer called Jordi Spence.
“Don’t get me wrong, Ruiz is a very good player. He has a World Cup coming up and he obviously needs to play, but at this point in our campaign I must release Bryan.”
Ruiz’s Costa Rica will face England in the group stages in Brazil this summer. The prospect of soft goals will make him a likely target for managers competing in the Kenna’s World Cup auction.
JUST Put Carles defender Chris Smalling has apologised for an “insensitive decision” after appearing to attend a fancy dress party as a suicide bomber.
A photograph of Smalling in his fancy dress, which his management company said was taken at a private party in his home, was on the front page of Thursday’s editions of the Sun.
It shows the Just Put Carles player with items looking like a mock circuit board and mobile phone around his chest, and cables leading up his body. Also on his body are bottles of Jagermeister and cans of Red Bull, while he is also wearing an Arab kaffiyeh head dress.
Smalling’s management group, who gave the story even more legs in the media by releasing a statement, said the outfit was an elaborate pun on the popular ‘Jagerbomb’ which is a blend of those two drinks, and a popular tipple at Kenna League transfer windows.
“Chris and his girlfriend hosted a fancy dress party to celebrate Christmas and their belated birthdays with close friends in the assumed privacy of his own home,” Wasserman Media Group said in a statement. “He dressed in a costume consisting of empty bottles of Jagermesiter and cans of Red Bull strapped to his chest in an attempted comedy play on the popular ‘Jagerbomb drink’.
“Although he fully accepts in hindsight it was an ill-thought out and insensitive decision, absolutely no harm was intended whatsoever and he apologises for any offence caused.”
The Just Put Carles manager said: “The photo has come as a bombshell to our preparations for the final Canesten Combi Cup group stage fixture next weekend, but I would say the media coverage has the whole incident blown up out of all proportion.”
Costing Just Put Carles £1m at the Kenna auction in August, Smalling is having a below-average season at the club, who dangle just one place above the relegation zone.
Speaking to assembled journalists outside Kenna HQ at lunchtime, the league chairman said: “Jagerbomb? Well it’s a bit early in the day but I suppose you only live once.”
