Reprisal

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Coming round he knew he had at least broken a rib. His shoulders ached too and he could feel his wrists burning behind his back. The cold concrete pressed against his cheek, the throbbing in his ankles. He was bound to a chair, upturned so that he was lying on the floor in a sitting position. His head hurt.

As the synapses of his mind came to terms with the situation his heart pounded in his chest. Why was this happening? He tried to think back to his last memory but his mind was ablaze and it just made the pain in his head even worse. He opened his eyes.

A wall. Cold and unforgiving like the floor on his face. Mouth dry, except the blood, his blood, he could taste. Blood and, was that turrón? It hadn’t been long since he’d last snacked.

Minutes passed. He cast his mind back over the evening. He was on a business trip in Boston. The flight from London was pleasant. It was on the firm. The conference had been work, but interesting, and there were some good people, with chat and laughs and company credit cards behind the bar.

That seemed like another era now. It smelt of damp and there were no windows so he assumed he was in cellar or basement or whatever English speakers called them. The light was dim so guessed it came from a single, low watt bulb somewhere behind him. He tried to move but immediately whatever bound him cut into wrists and ankles. He wondered if he’d ever see Mornington Crescent again.

Slowly moving his head around to try and see what was behind him he froze with fear. Standing right there was a silent person looking down. The silhouette of the light kept the stranger’s face in darkness, but he could make out an athletic figure and the glint of a knuckleduster.

“Where am I?” he began to demand, but his mouth and throat were so dry he choked on the words.

The shadowy figure took a step back and the creak suggested he’d taken a seat on a table, saying nothing.

“What do you want from me? I have money. Take it. Just please let me go. I haven’t done anything. I don’t know who you are,” the adrenalin was firing now and the pain all over his body numbed a little as he pleaded. The stranger was unmoved.

“People know I’m here. When I don’t turn up tomorrow questions will be asked. They’ll come looking for me. I was the website’s top salesman last year. I’m a big deal. It’ll be reported back to Spanish embassy. You’ll be in big trouble,” the last threat was a bluff, no Castilian diplomat would ever concern himself with a missing Catalan, but he had to try something to get this man to talk. The suspense was killing him.

The stranger took a deep breath. “How are PSV Mornington getting on?” he asked in a southern drawl. He may have been asking the time.

“PSV? My football team?” he spluttered. Whoever the American was he was well briefed.

“Only I heard you weren’t faring too well this season,” said the American. Texas. That was the accent.

“Well, the season is only just beginning. Gutierrez and Cazorla are returning from injury, and Charles N’Zogbia will surely find form soon,” this was surreal, under the circumstances the last thing he expected to be explaining away was his team’s lack of creative spark in midfield.

“You didn’t feel you could improve your team?” said the Texan.

Panic. Blind panic like he’d never experienced before gripped his whole body. The tensed muscles pinched his broken rib and he let out a small gasp. A tear formed in his eye.

“Because if my team was bottom of the Kenna League,” continued the sinister stranger, “I would probably make changes at the first available opportunity. I would at least front up to wear the Bramble jersey.”

He knew only too well where this was going and the outlook wasn’t good. It was clear this American was acting on behalf of Kenna HQ. Rumours were everywhere of the ruthlessness of the league’s manager experiences department. Stories of players mysteriously disappearing in the night from team hotels or managers returning home to find the family pet nailed to the floor were far from uncommon.

“Okay, okay, I know I missed the transfer window. It’s just, I felt I couldn’t improve the team and this trip took priority. And I didn’t want to face the shame of wearing the Bramble jersey,” he admitted.

“I may have to teach you something about priorities,” said the Texan and with that knelt down behind the chair.

There was a swish of movement. The stranger grabbed his head with one hand and with the other used a pair of pliers to take hold of the manager’s front tooth.

“No! No!” screamed the PSV manager into the American’s tool. Tears were rolling onto the concrete.

“Where will you be for the February transfer window?” demanded his interrogator.

“I think I’m due to speak at a dinner for Catalans UK,” the American took firmer grip of his head. “No, no wait! I’ll be at the window. I promise, I’ll be at the window!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, absolutely. I’ll be at every Kenna event from now on. I promise,” he pleaded.

The Texan maintained the position in silence for 30 seconds or so, as the manager felt the cold steel of the pliers in his mouth and a warm sensation fill his trousers.

“You see that you do. These bruises will heal, but a missing tooth, that’s a lot of work for your dentist. Don’t go to the police. You were never here, chorizo boy.”

With that, the Texan released his tooth, quickly cut the ropes around his wrists and left the room with an aplomb the PSV manager thought he recognised from the football pitch.

Just before he passed out from the pain and the shock, he caught a glimpse of the stranger’s face in the dim light of the bulb.

Of course. It was Clint Dempsey.

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Kenna League less than a fifth English

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THE KENNA League is only 17 per cent English, according to Jack Wilshere.

Only four managers come from below the Watford Gap to qualify as English under the midfielder’s nationality test.

The largest portion of managers, 52 per cent, fail to meet Wilshere’s English test point blank as they hail from ‘the Norf’.

Another 13 per cent of managers who come from Wales were dismissed as ‘facking sheep shaggers’.

Of the rest of the league 13 per cent are Catalan – or in Wilshere’s opinion ‘facking Spanish in’it, sangria cants’ – and four per cent Somali.

Wilshere, who is currently signed for Kenna outfit Judean Peoples’ Front, said: “It’s a facking disgrace all these Johnny Foreigners comin’ over here with a soppy bollocks brand of football. If it were up to me we’d put ’em all on the banana boat they came here on and send the buggers ‘ome.

“I don’t trust these Spanish. I heard they eat their tea at midnight. What the fack is that about? That’s over six hours after you’re s’pose to. And I mean seriously, a Somali? In London? Who does ‘e think ‘e is? Mo bleedin’ Farah? I actually quite respect Mo for ‘is runnin’ and stuff, although if me daughter brought ‘im home that would be a different facking story.”

Jack Wilshere’s English test includes eating pie and mash, smoking ‘Silk facking Cat’ and walking like ‘a bit of a geezer’.

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Chairman: The Kenna wants Januzaj

Adnan Januzaj
Half an hour after a Kenna window in which no one mentioned Adnan Januzaj had closed, managers watched the winger score two goals on a pub telly (photo courtesy of Sabrina M. Ramadhani)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

THE CHAIRMAN has revealed that the Kenna is one of several leagues keen to sign up Adnan Januzaj.

The Belgium-born, 18-year-old marked his full debut on Saturday with a match-winning brace and is already being touted as a possible candidate for the PFA Young Player of the Year.

But Januzaj, who is of Kosovan descent, is eligible to play for a number of different leagues already: Belgium, Albania and Turkey among them.

Speaking outside Kenna HQ, the chairman said: “Obviously the Kenna is made up of 23 of the finest managerial footballing brains in Europe, so clearly this boy Janachuck or whoever has been on our radar for some time.

“I can confirm that the only reason he hasn’t been signed by one of our managers is because of confusion over his eligibility and nothing at all to do with them not knowing anything about him. That suggestion really is laughable. I’m sure I speak on behalf of everyone in the Kenna when I say ‘Adam Janachuck, remember the name’.”

Asked if the Kenna had ever been in touch over Januzaj, the youngster’s parents replied: “A few seasons ago, the Young Boys manager offered to show him some puppies in a disused farm building, but we’ve heard nothing more from the Kenna until now.”

It’s understood that Kenna blazers are now hastily drawing up dossiers to discredit the “dubious claims of Belgium, Albania and Turkey.”

League table

Kenna table wk 7 - 8 October 2013
Kenna table wk 7 – 8 October 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 34 2
2 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 31 1
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 28 1
5 Piedmonte Phil 28 1
6 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 24 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
8 Newington Reds Dudley 23 2
9 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 22 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 1
11 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
12 Pikey Scum Jack 20 1
13 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 20 1
14 Young Boys Denney 19 0
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 0
16 Northern Monkeys Hugo 17 0
17 KS West Green Stix 15 1
18 PSV Mornington El Pons 15 0
19 FC Testiculadew James N 14 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 14 0
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 13 0
22 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 12 1
23 St. Reatham FC Mike 12 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Remy, L – NEW – STR
Club Newington Reds
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Kenna bosses hit back after ‘nancy’ jibe

Hercule Poirot
Whodunnit: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager claims mystery injuries kept him from the transfer window. Kenna HQ has denied any wrongdoing (photo courtesy of Vicki12692)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

PROTESTS have flooded into the homely surrounds of Kenna HQ following calls for a cull of managers.

The deluge comes after it had been suggested in some quarters that team bosses are more interested in lifting shirts than silverware. Saturday saw the poorest turnout at a Kenna transfer window in years.

Leading the outcry is a battered and bruised Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

Speaking through an electrolarynx he said: “It was a Friday night drinking injury that caused my Kenna non-attendance, not a lack of commitment. I’ve got a big fat lip and a face that has swollen out of all proportions.”

Saying that he “probably fell” and that the night was a “bit blank”, the SDKY chief, who has had well-publicised disagreements with Kenna hierarchy in the past, added: “The timing is a bit too convenient if you ask me. It looks like some kind of Kenna dirty tricks campaign to keep me from the title.”

SDKY currently occupy 17th position in the league table, just four places above the relegation zone.

Kenna HQ indicated managers failing to attend the February transfer window could be subject to increased entry fees next season.

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How many roads must a manager walk down

Gestapo interrogation
Serious questions: Managers’ commitment to the Kenna is under review after a poor turnout at yesterday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of josedios)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

THE KENNA’S sexuality has been called into question as just eight managers turned out for the first transfer window of the season – a record low since the league expanded to double figures.

And in scenes reminiscent of the graveyard shift at BBC World only a handful of players changed hands in the first two hours of the event on the upper floor of a south London boozer.

Fans’ groups are now demanding root and branch reform at Kenna HQ starting with a cull of ‘otherwise engaged’ bosses.

The league quickly cranked its PR machine in to gear in an attempt to deflect the criticism, with the St Reatham FC boss fronting the backlash.

Skyping in from Woking he said: “We’re all 110 per cent fully committed to the Kenna, but Saturdays are difficult with so many distractions.

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to go now, my mum says dinner is ready and Strictly is on in half an hour.”

Kenna chiefs have yet to comment on the debacle but a source close to the league said: “This is yet another example of useless Kenna blazers losing the plot. Even the 50p game was so embarrassed it only made a brief appearance.”

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Kenna window sparks Royal Mail meltdown

Kenna HQ doormat
Groaning: The Kenna HQ doormat struggles under the weight of transfer requests

ROYAL Mail chiefs last night warned of further disruption to services after the Kenna transfer window was blamed for bringing the postal system to the brink of collapse.

Managers notifying the league of their unwanted players by mail ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window caused an unprecedented surge in correspondence.

As of this morning, Kenna HQ has received 11 letters from managers eager to get their hands on the £10m transfer kitty bonus for getting their requests in by post before today’s deadline. The volume of mail is expected to double today.

The £10m bonus will be added to the remaining funds from managers’ £100m budget from the Kenna pre-season auction. Gathered in the pub tomorrow at 3pm, the managers will bid against each other over unsigned footballers at the transfer auction to fill the gaps in their teams.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Christian Eriksen and Samuel Eto’o are set to top transfer window shopping lists.

The league chairman said: “This is the top, top, top level of football in the world and managers are keen to give themselves the best advantage as they look to freshen up their teams heading into winter. There’s a long way to go to the second, and last, transfer window of the season in February.

“I can confirm that I received a telephone call from the Royal Mail chairman Donald Brydon CBE who begged me to change Kenna rules since additional strain was being put on their services. It seems the volume of under-performing footballers’ names being sent by post was interrupting deliveries of vital, lifesaving equipment.

“I said to him ‘Don, calm down, it’s not like anyone’s lost a kidney. Also, stop using the phone, it’s bad for your business’.

“The call ended well. We’re playing golf next week.”

Photos of managers posting their submissions have flooded social media sites. A prize will be awarded for the best offerings. Here’s a pick of the entries so far:

JPF manager mail room
Going postal: Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager misuses the cricket-loving company dwarf
Useless Kenna blazers
Seeing red: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager shakes his fist at ‘the ivory tower
London 2012 stamp
Instant forfeit: The Young Boys manager owes the Kenna committee a round of drinks at tomorrow’s transfer window for using official London 2012 branding
St Reatham post
PR opp: The St Reatham FC manager attempts to rebuild his public image after being plagued by unsavoury allegations earlier this year
The Queen
Queen of football clubs: Her Maj is pressed into service by league leader the Headless Chickens manager
Reading boozers
Pitcher and Piano: The Team Panda Rules OK manager advertises the poor choice of pubs in Berkshire’s county town
Cock drawing
Cock and balls: FC Testiculadew stationery adheres to strict brand guidelines
Fadges post
Knit: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager
Jimmy Savile
Ride of his life: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager felt it appropriate to include this photo with his transfer request
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Man in the Window

Nani Michael Jackson
Don’t matter if you’re black or white. Or eight: Nani could face the door at Team Panda Rules OK for his statuesque performances (photo courtesy of thesparrowman)

THE MICHAEL Jackson statue removed from Craven Cottage last week is being lined up as a like-for-like replacement for Nani ahead of this Saturday’s first Kenna transfer window.

The Portuguese winger has failed to make an impact for Kenna newbies Team Panda Rules OK and the manager is taking no prisoners.

“That shabby tribute to the King of Pop has shown as much movement this season as, well, that shabby tribute to the King of Pop,” complained the Panda manager, as he prepared to table a bid for the statue to owner Mohamed Al-Fayed.

The Egyptian business magnate declined to comment.

This desperation is just the tip of the iceberg in the Kenna as managers prepare for the new format of transfer window on the weekend.

Having bought eleven players each at the pre-season auction, the window is one of only two chances in the campaign for managers to freshen up their teams. A second window is held in early February.

Club’s will release unwanted players by Friday before representatives congregate in the pub to fill their teams at auction.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Ross Barkley and Morgan Amalfitano are among the unsigned players whose form will see them top manager’s shopping lists.

In the league, Headless Chickens maintained their lead at the top of the table this week with more goals from Yaya Toure and Gylfi Sigurdsson.

Luis Suarez’s two-goal return has lifted This is Sparta…Prague off the bottom of the table.

Rough guide to the transfer window

  1. Notify the league of the players you want to release by Friday to get a bonus.
  2. You will get a £10m bonus for submitting your released players by post to Kenna HQ, or £5m for doing so by any other means of communication.
  3. You start the transfer night with the money you have left from your initial £100m, plus any bonus from getting your transfers in on time.
  4. To begin with, auction lots will be drawn at random from the pot of released players.
  5. Whatever your released player fetches at auction will be added to your funds.
  6. The Titus Bramble ruling applies. Any manager without funds to fill their team spending the minimum of £0.5m on each player will have their most expensive player removed.
  7. If no one buys your released player you can either keep them or let them go on a free. However, if someone buys that player later in the window you will get whatever is paid for them.
  8. Once all the released players have gone to auction, a set number of available players will be auctioned in order of most points scored.
  9. Once the set list is exhausted, managers with gaps in their teams to fill will take it in turns to introduce remaining players to auction.
  10. Each manager has one wildcard that can be played at any time during the transfer window.
  11. The wildcard allows you to release any player in your team at a moment’s notice.
  12. You will not receive a bonus if you do not release any players.

League table

Kenna table wk 6 - 1 October 2013
Kenna table wk 6 – 1 October 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 35 2
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 34 2
3 FC Testiculadew James N 31 1
4 Headless Chickens John N 27 2
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 0
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 1
7 St. Reatham FC Mike 24 1
8 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 23 2
9 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 2
10 Piedmonte Phil 19 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 0
12 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 17 0
13 Team Panda Rules OK George 17 0
14 Newington Reds Dudley 16 1
15 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 14 1
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
17 KS West Green Stix 13 1
18 Just put Carles Carles 11 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 11 0
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 9 0
21 Young Boys Denney 8 0
22 Northern Monkeys Hugo 7 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
Club Bala Rinas
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KS West Green 2013/14

Stix
New club, new training facility: The KS West Green manager

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Last season: 18th (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Outlook (on 27 September 2013): As both Kenna chairman and competitor, the former Vasco De Beauvoir manager faces an increasingly inescapable conundrum. At the reins of Kenna HQ, the chairman has seen the league swell in popularity and elan with a record 20 managers last season enjoying unprecedented attendance at transfer windows. In charge of Vasco De Beauvoir, the manager has overseen the club’s steady decline since the treble-winning year of 2010, resulting in a slump to relegation for the first time. Indifferent to the Kenna’s overall success, the powers that be at Vasco had enough. Despite bringing them more glory than any other team in the league’s history the manager was handed his P45 in May.

Taking the number 67 bus from De Beauvoir deeper into north London, the chairman has found new employ at Klub Sportowy in West Green, where the streets are literally paved with empty Polish beer cans. The Worcestershire man may be from the pear county, but five weeks into the season his tenure is failing to bear much fruit. Ashley Williams, Nathaniel Clyne and £40m Sergio Aguero may be justifying their expense, but the manager is beset by injury and loss of form.

The Ox made an impressive first 45 minutes to the season, but hasn’t played since. ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz pulled up right in front of the manager’s nose at Craven Cottage two weeks ago. Andre Schurrle, who averages a goal every three games for club and country, is struggling to make an impact and looks like he will soon share a similar fate to Graham Dorrans and Wes Hoolahan – and lose his place in the starting line up. Mark Hudson captained his side last season but now can’t get a place in the team. Jordi Spence is on loan in the lower divisions. Anders Lindegaard is getting as much time in goal at Old Trafford as Anders Breivik.

So while KS West Green may not be in line for any traditional Kenna silverware, they’re surely an early favourite in the Little Maddy award for least appearances stakes.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f17b8m5fniU&w=420&h=315]

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Speroni, J CRY £0.5m
Davies, C HUL £0.5m
Clyne, N SOT £7m
Williams, A SWA £9m
Bardesley, P SUN £5m
Barry, G EVE £0.5m
Schurrle, A CHE £14m
Whittingham, P CAR £2m
Ox-Chamberlain, A ARS £0.5m
Aguero, S MCY £39m
De Jong, L NEW £5m
£83m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £13.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £8.5m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold POS Player Team Value
GK Lindegaard, A MUN Free GK Speroni, J C RY £0.5m
DEF Spence, J (TB) WHU Free DEF Davies, C HUL £0.5m
DEF Hudson, M CAR Free DEF Whittaker, S NOR £5.0m
MID Dorrans, G WBA Free MID Barry, G EVE £0.5m
MID Hoolahan, W NOR Free MID Whittingham, P CAR £2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £10m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold POS Player Team Value
DEF Whittaker, S NOR Free DEF Bardsley, P SUN £5m
STR Ruiz, B FUL Free STR De Jong, L NEW £5m
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Vatican declares war on the Kenna

Pope Francis
‘You’ve won a caravan’: The Kenna transfer window is under threat from a dark and powerful organisation

CHRISTIANITY touches, rightly or wrongly, millions of people around the world.

It’s early orders left a lot to be desired, but as Europe entered the Middle Ages the church provided hope, education and the promise of a life much better than the poverty and injustice of secular existence.

As civilisation marched on organised religion became bloated, corrupt and outmoded. The Enlightenment revealed much of the accepted history taught by the church to be inaccurate.

For example, the Eighteenth Century scholar Edward Gibbon was made to finish his six volume history of Europe – The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire – in free-thinking Switzerland for daring to use primary sources to write about the calamity that was the early Christian church.

Two hundred years later the founding of the Jeff Kenna League rendered Christianity all but obsolete.

Still men of the cloth – and sometimes women too, but certainly not gay men, or at least openly gay ones – catered to congregations who needed assurance of the basic difference between right and wrong. That was fine while the more pressing affairs of Kenna HQ could, like a happy choirboy, carry on unmolested.

This week the ambiguous relationship between the Kenna and church is in danger of being, like an unhappy choirboy, irreversibly broken.

The chairman is marrying a Catholic, and that Catholic, despite largely enjoying the Kenna’s practical views of religion, wants to get married in a Roman Catholic Church. In Poland.

Turn up and say the vows? Sadly, with this mob – the word is used carefully, meeting the chief priest in the Polish interior was like a scene from The Sopranos – it’s not just a case of chatting about your family values over a pot of tea and getting the bride-to-be to wear a T-shirt to advertise a lack of mystery bruising.

The Roman Catholics Church requires you to attend a structured course of lessons over a number of weeks. And you don’t even get tea.

They also want you to sign a piece of paper declaring you will never stop your children from becoming Catholic.

The icing on the cake, not that you get any of that either, is the reluctance of the priest to impart when the lessons start. The chairman’s better half has been attending mass every week waiting for the Good News.

In the Bernard Samson Cold War spy novel series by Len Deighton, the lead character describes the operations of the KGB as ‘very slow and very cunning’. He could have been talking about the Catholic Church.

The Kenna transfer window was scheduled for next Friday. Friday evening to be precise, a time when the western world finishes work for the week and unwinds ahead of their weekend chores, but not religion.

In His almighty wisdom, channeled through the dog collar of his local henchman, He has hinted, but not confirmed, that this lesson may well take place next Friday.

The transfer window hangs in the balance. This would not have happened if instead of choosing Jim Bowen, the Vatican had considered a more progressive application.

League table

Kenna table wk 5 of 37 - 240913
Kenna table week 5 of 37 – 24 September 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Headless Chickens John N 49 4
2 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 35 1
3 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 33 0
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 31 3
5 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 29 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 1
8 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 1
9 KS West Green Stix 25 2
10 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 0
11 FC Testiculadew James N 22 0
12 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 0
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 1
14 Team Panda Rules OK George 15 1
15 Lurliners Luke 14 1
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 13 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 13 0
19 Young Boys Denney 13 0
20 Pikey Scum Jack 10 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 7 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 7 0
23 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 4 0
Points Player
Player of the week 16 Nasri, S – MCY – MID
Club Piedmonte
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Spartak Mogadishu 2013/14

Abdi
Two fingers: The Spartak Mogadishu manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Outlook (on 24 September 2013): Spartak Mogadishu stunned the whole league in May when they lifted their first piece of the silverware, the Canesten Combi Cup. Not writing anything down and drinking heavily, the manager traditionally approached auctions with the gay abandon of an Al-Shabab shopping spree, and his reputation of firebrand was galvanised when he became the first manager to resign in the middle of an auction at the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. Attending last month’s all-dayer for the first time outside of Ramadan appeared to temper the Somali, and he even hooked some worthwhile players.

At the unveiling of the new squad at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the manager admitted he felt slightly hornswoggled at the purchase of Glenn Murray, who’s been on crutches since May and will continue to be for some time. In Robert van Wolfswinkel, Marco van Ginkel and Johnny Heitinga, the manager has three players to feature in the national side for Holland, a country known throughout history for its maritime tradition. Hernandez, Lallana, Kolarov and Jaaskelainen all started the season in strong form.

Despite this Spartak are not managing to gel and slipping down the table with each passing week. In the Kenna there’s a very fine line between success or failure; between a white, sandy Caribbean island, a crate of rum and Keira Knightly, or five minutes in the upstairs room of a tavern with a toothless crone.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3nM2Ul4rLU&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Jaaskelainen, J WHM £12m
Chiriches, V TOT £2.5m
Kolarov, A MCY £10m
Gabbidon, D CRY £3.5m
Olsson, J WBA £1m
Lallana, A SOT £12m
Cleverley, T MUN £7m
Hernandez, P SWA £15m
Barkley, R EVE £8.5m
van Wolfswinkel, R NOR £13m
Jones, K CAR £0.5m
£85m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss £11m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Bramble, T FAG Free DEF Taylor, A CAR £0.5m
DEF Heitinga, J EVE Free DEF Olsson, J WBA £1.0m
MID Van Ginkel, M CHE Free MID Barkley, R EVE £8.5m
STR Murray, G CRY Free STR Gayle, D CHE £0.5m
STR Kone, A (released on a free) EVE £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Taylor, A CAR Free DEF Chiriches, V TOT £2.5m
DEF Shotton, R STO Free DEF Gabbidon, D CRY £3.5m
STR Gayle, D CRY £0.5m STR Jones, K CAR £0.5m
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