The Colton Arms, West Kensington, Saturday 5 February 2022, 1pm
Welcome to the Kenna transfer window, the first in-person transfer
window for two years.
And what a couple of years it’s been. Looking around at the faces gathered here today I can see lockdown, the anxiety, the stress, it’s really taken its toll.
I look in the eyes of managers and I can see they’re emptier than Anfield when Liverpool won their first Premier League. Emptier even than 10 March 2001 in Woking Pizza Express.
But salvation is here. The Kenna transfer window is upon us and your wellbeing is restored. At least until you start signing players.
Over the last two years the world has changed in many ways, but one phenomenon of particular note is the traditional elites becoming more accountable for their personal conduct.
No longer does enormous wealth, fame, or political power insulate your ethical failings.
The prime minister can’t have a drink at work.
Novak Djokovic can’t get into Australia.
Harvey Weinstein can’t get laid.
Prince Andrew can’t not sweat all over a teenage girl, even a teenage
who’s procuring more teenage girls for him not to sweat over.
Idris Elba can’t even get into this pub.
So amongst all this moral consternation you had every right to arrive today concerned.
Concerned that with many traditional power structures being uprooted the Kenna executive may not be beyond reproach.
As your chairman I’m her to tell you those concerns are completely unfounded. The Kenna League is here to stay.
The admin errors, the vague rules around the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, the vice chairman not pulling his weight. Everything you know about the Kenna remains untouched.
But I bring a stark warning. Now I’m not the kind of autocratic, fear mongering leader who would create an enemy out of thin air to further legitimise my own iron grip on the regime, but the Kenna has emerged from the pandemic with a new enemy: Autofillism.
Too many managers are leaving the fortunes of their team to the autofill. Too many managers are not coming to the pub. Too many managers are not buying a round.
Let’s take one of the biggest proponents of autofillism, the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
He hasn’t turned up to a Kenna event for so long I was beginning to take it personally.
But then I checked his social media accounts. I saw the classic car rallies in Italy, the auctions in Pebble Beach, the hobnobbing in the south of France, and I realised Breivik is just as absent a father as he is a Kenna manager.
And there you have it: the worst insult that could possibly levelled at anyone in the league, and Breivik isn’t even here to respond.
Because it turns out he’s just as absent a Kenna manager as he is a father.
Nevertheless, to counter the rising threat of autofillism next season rules will be introduced to punish those absent and reward those present.
The rules are likely to involve buyout clauses at the February transfer window for autofilled players. The rules are likely to be draconian. The rules are likely to be ill-conceived and easily misunderstood.
But that’s the Kenna. That’s why you keep coming back. Most of you certainly don’t come to win anything.
Let the transfer window begin.
Covid Cup quarter final first leg fixtures this weekend
Chairman v Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton v Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor v Clotted Cream First
TNS v Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive v Daggers
Cowley Casuals v Reds
Barry Town v Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv v Pikey Scum
Kenna League week 23
Full scores available from The Rub.