Chairman blames agents as chaos deepens
With the 2026 Kenna auction less than 24 hours away, an administrative review has uncovered the sort of player-registration chaos normally associated with, well, the Kenna.
The problem emerged during the routine inspection of the league’s legacy teams, which continue to score points from last season until the September international break. Tomorrow’s auction will finally replace them with the squads expected to carry their managers through the winter and, in several cases, towards inevitable disappointment.
Unfortunately, there is one small problem.
Some players currently appear to be playing for two Kenna teams at once.
Morgan Rogers is among those apparently enjoying the benefits of dual employment. James Maddison has also managed to be in two places at the same time, as have Emiliano Buendía and James Ward-Prowse.
Faced with questions about how four professional footballers could simultaneously be registered to eight different Kenna sides, the Chairman moved quickly to reassure managers that there was absolutely nothing to worry about.
‘This is simply the reality of the modern game,’ he said. ‘Players have agents, agents have clients and sometimes those clients apparently have two clubs. I’m not sure what people expect me to do about it.’
The Chairman firmly rejected suggestions of administrative incompetence and stressed that responsibility for maintaining the integrity of Kenna registrations ultimately rested with football agents, the players themselves and, if necessary, Gianni Infantino.
An investigation is not expected.
Dark Lord leads the pre-auction table
Away from the registration scandal, there is the small matter of football.
FC Testiculadew heads into auction day top of the embryonic table on 121 points, four clear of the vice chairman’s Young Boys on 117. Theiving Magpies sit third on 108, while Don’t Know Yet has made an encouraging start on 105.
At the other end, the early signs are considerably less encouraging for the established relegation specialists.
The legacy sides will be released and the squads assembled at the auction will take over after the international break. Until then, the table offers managers their final opportunity to pretend that the players they selected a year ago remain relevant.
AI predicts a Dark Lord title
This year’s pre-auction table also contains something new: AI-generated title and relegation predictions based on more than two decades of Kenna history.
The model takes finishing position as its principal measure but also considers historical prize money, Manager of the Month awards, Worst Manager of the Month awards and previous relegations.
Dark Lord is the clear title favourite with a 16.3% chance of winning the Kenna, comfortably ahead of the Barry Town manager on 9.4%, the chairman on 8.1% and reigning champion Test Team on 7.8%.
At the other end, artificial intelligence has taken one look at Daggers and Bunch of Kuntz’s historical records and reached much the same conclusion as natural intelligence.
Daggers have a remarkable 62.6% chance of relegation, with Bunch of Kuntz close behind on 58.9%. The Pirate is third favourite for the drop at 24.5%, followed by Right Said Ted at 20.6%.
The Chairman welcomed the analysis, describing it as ‘the first sensible application of artificial intelligence’.
Important information for tomorrow’s voters
More importantly, managers are advised to familiarise themselves with the figures before arriving at tomorrow’s auction.
Under the rules governing matched reserve bids, circumstances may arise in which the matter is put to a vote of Kenna managers.
The Chairman has therefore confirmed that the historical AI probabilities should be regarded as important contextual information when exercising those democratic responsibilities.
A manager with a 16.3% chance of winning the league may, for example, merit very different consideration from one carrying a 62.6% probability of relegation.
The Chairman strongly rejected suggestions that publishing this information immediately before potentially decisive votes could constitute an attempt to influence proceedings.
‘This is data,’ he explained. ‘Managers are perfectly entitled to ignore it and vote incorrectly. Or hand me a manila envelope.’
The 2026 Kenna auction takes place tomorrow.
