FANTASY football has few harsher punishments than the Titus Bramble ruling.
Mess up at the Kenna League auction draft – overspend, buy an illegal player – and there are no easy let offs and no ‘oh, poor luck let’s forget about that shall we?’s.
Buy an illegal player and you’ll have him whipped out your team and replaced with a forfeit faster than you can say ‘Twattus Bollocks‘. And you’ll lose half the cash you paid for him.
It doesn’t end there. The forfeit players used to be active Premier League footballers, but some notorious chicanery four years ago means they’re now the ultimate deterrent: convicted sex offenders.
Last month’s auction saw three paedophiles turn out for Kenna League teams.
Let’s meet the Charlie Chesters who managers can’t get rid of until the first transfer window in October.
Adam Johnson (£21m), midfielder, Piss Poor
Why’s he here?
Put Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jamie Vardy and Adam Johnson into an envelope and auction off a lucky dip. It’s called Chinese Roulette. That’s how the Piss Poor manager ended up paying £21m to have the former Sunderland man in his midfield.
What can he contribute?
Johnson creates and scores goals, even more so in the number 10 spot, but then he was sentenced earlier this year for grooming and sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl. He’ll give opposition fans something to sing about though.
Stuart Hall (£12.5m), midfielder, FC Testiculadew
Why’s he here?
Usually so cunning at skirting Kenna auction regulations, the manager best known as the Tactical Brambler walked straight into this Bramble when he signed a second Leicester City player. Cheerio Jamie Vardy and half his £25m signing fee. Hello, It’s A Knockout!
What can he contribute?
At 86, it’s unlikely Hall will translate his poetic vocal style to the FCT midfield. Has he got any attacks left in him?
Mark Bridger (£16.5m), midfielder, Bala Rinas
Why he’s here?
The Bala Rinas manager overspent late in the auction and lost his most expensive player Eden Hazard, who had cost £33m. A tremendous oversight from the league’s Welsh treasurer, for whom Mark Bridger was the obvious Bramble.
What can he contribute?
Rarely caught in possession, but his resourcefulness under pressure hides traces of greater concern.
