James Collins was last seen being bundled into the back of a van at dawn
DEFENDER JAMES Collins is at the centre of a controversial appeal that has led to the Kenna administration being branded ‘out of touch’.
The incident arose when it emerged after the auction that the Still Don’t Know Yet manager had signed West Ham midfielder Gary O’Neil, and stood to lose Collins under the Titus Bramble ruling.
League regulations stipulated that Collins would be replaced by Newcastle’s Shane Ferguson, but the SDKY boss maintains that the Welshman, who switched to West Ham from Aston Villa two weeks ago, was still marked as a Villain on the official player list.
Already under pressure at the club for being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, the SDKY gaffer was so incensed at HQ’s decision that he sent a strongly-worded email in which he claimed the league had ‘gone too far’ and criticised the bureaucracy for ‘being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet’.
“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull,” said the manager in the leaked email (full copy below), before making a veiled threat to refer the matter to the Court of Arbitration for Sport.
The league’s response was swift and ruthless. The appeal was turned down flat, and in the early hours of the season’s first day Kenna HQ goons with cable ties and rubber truncheons swooped on the team’s hotel, to replace a petrified Collins with a simpering and dehydrated Ferguson.
“Our Manager Experiences department has dealt with an incident related to the Titus Bramble ruling. I’m given to understand the matter was resolved amicably, and we wish the manager involved all the best for the new season,” confirmed a league spokesperson, sweeping the matter under the carpet.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s leaked email to Kenna HQ
“Sadly I didn’t have time to reply last night, because, like a real man, I was out playing football and not sat at home being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet.
“I went off the “official” list as you described it on Facebook. The “official” list. If we start ignoring the (and yes, I’m going to use quotation marks for a third time) “official” list, where do we end up?
“Anarchy that’s where. In a nation where people are willing to burn down city centres so they can thieve a slightly bigger TV. You’re playing with fire.
“I can see how jealously can affect your decision making when your strike force is led by a Congolese Middlesbrough reject [Leroy Lita] while my £58m front line contains a daring mixture of mental instability and injury susceptibility, but I think you’ve gone too far.
“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in-spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull.”
The Catalan left having bought just a handful of players: Kyle Walker, Mikel Arteta, David Silva, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck.
Having assessed all the other starting elevens, the Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department named JPC’s five-a-side team as third favourites for the title.
It was a record turnout for the Kenna as 20 managers battled it out in the bowels of the City of London’s Golden Fleece.
“The auction was just how we wanted it: fast, raucous and with plenty of managers being caught out by the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the Chairman resignedly, as his Vasco De Beauvoir side went over budget and saw Sergio Aguero replaced by Leroy Lita.
There was a blow for the Spartak Mogadishu manager too, as new signing Luka Modric announced his medical in Madrid about an hour after the Somali picked him up for £1m.
“Yarrrrrr! If I catch the bilge rat within cannon shot, he be findin’ he’self in Davey Jones’ locker,” said the Spartak manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
Teams will be published here over the coming week.
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”
WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.
Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.
In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.
“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.
The Chairman’s top tips
Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.
Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.
Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.
Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.
Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.
Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.
A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.
Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.
A few other items of note:
Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad
THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.
Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.
However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.
“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.
“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.
Titus Bramble squad
Goalkeeper
Drusille Ngako (free agent)
Defenders
Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)
Midfielders
Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)
Garlic bread?: New committee member relishes access to the executive Daewoo
FOR THE very first time the annual Kenna League auction is to be tweeted live.
Household names such as Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero and Ricardo Vaz Te will go under the hammer next Wednesday in a City of London pub.
Kenna HQ initially tweeted the Emmanuel Olisadebe auction live ahead of Euro 2012, but this is the first time the domestic season, now in its eighth year, will be broadcast to the world.
“We saw the overwhelming wave of reaction to the Olisadebe tweets and we’re pleased to bring the experience of the Kenna to globe absolutely free of charge,” said the Chairman, referring to his bar bill and the three extra followers gained during the Euro 2012 auction night.
Follow the Kenna live on @jeffkennaleague from 7pm on Wednesday 15 August.
In preparation for the auction, the committee have appointed the Hairy Fadjeetas manager Director of Wry Tweets.
“The overriding reason I’ve accepted this position is because it brings access to the league’s executive Daewoo,” said the new addition to the committee, before shrugging that he probably won’t be able stay to the end of the evening.
The Fadges boss was chosen after his tweeting at the Olisadebe. Some of his wryest offerings from that fateful evening can be found below.
Global economic woes summed up in a bid for French school gates botherer Franck Ribery:
The prospect of two ageing strikers taking on Europe’s elite:
Glib account of the Kenna’s first mid-auction resignation after a Bramble led to the loss of Dutch gnome Arjen Robben (from the bottom up):
Phonetic German side by side with an intimate moment:
IF YOU’RE in a London pub and a gloomy-looking person next to you buys an Apple Sourz because, they claim, ‘I damn near Brambled myself’, then unlike most tipplers of that unusual spirit, this person hasn’t taken complete leave of their senses.
Very close by a meeting of the Kenna League will be in full swing, and this unfortunate at the bar will have bodged their part in proceedings.
Since the Kenna was founded in 2005, a host of phrases and sayings particular only to the purist pursuit of football management have been born.
A number of expressions used by managers are defined below. Most of them common, some from seasons past.
The phrases have been grouped into three categories: those used at the auction, those used in relation to the league’s forfeit procedure and other expressions.
Where applicable, conversational examples of words and phrases in use available.
The auction
Auction –Event held before just before English Premier League seasons, World Cups and Euro Cups where managers buy their eleven players for the competition. To the untrained eye can look like a bunch of people in the pub not worried about work the next morning.
Manager A: “Are you going to the auction tonight?”
Manager B: “Yeah, it’ll probably be the usual shambles.”
Mr Chairman – the appropriate way for a manager to address the Chairman during the auction.
Manager A: “Mr Chairman, pint?”
Chairman: “You’re most kind, a Peroni or Heineken would be delightful.”
Manager B (under breath): “Apple polisher.”
Player list – document detailing all the players in the competition and their positions. Any players managers wish to pick not on the player list will have their position decided by the league.
Manager A: “I want to buy Wesley Sneijder, but he’s not on the player list.”
Manager B: “Two things. One: Man U will never buy Sneijder so that’s a complete waste of your budget, and two: he’ll be a midfielder like he was in the Euros.”
Pick – to introduce a player to auction. Managers introducing a player themselves are deemed to have made a minimum bid of point five unless otherwise stated.
Manager A: “I’ll go for Steve Warnock, defender, Aston Villa.”
Manager B: “There must be no one decent left to pick.”
Chairman’s pick – player introduced to the auction by the Chairman when a manager cannot immediately decide who to pick. Managers may also opt for the Chairman to pick. New rule for 2012 to speed up proceedings.
Manager A (looking at the player list and scratching head): “Um…um….um…”
Chairman: “Too slow. Chairman’s pick: Ashley Cole, Chelsea, defender.”
4-4-2 – outdated tactical formation used by the England football team and the official formation of Kenna teams (one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers).
Manager A: “Jelavic looks a tasty option up front.”
Manager B: “Yeah, but it’s 4-4-2 and I’ve already got Agbonlahor and Ruiz.”
Budget – the amount of money a manager has for buying players at auction. Each manager starts with £100m.
Manager A: “What budget do you have left?”
Manager B: “I’ve bought Eric Lichaj for £5m and Ryan Nelson for point five, so £94.5m.”
Point five – £0.5m, the lowest sum for which a player can be bought. Also used by managers to nudge up the price of a player during bidding – can be used as ‘and a half’ in this situation.
No point fives after 10 – When bidding for a player goes over £10m, only bids divisible by £1m are accepted. Rule introduced in 2011 to speed up the auction.
Manager A: “Despite his diversity training needs, I’ll bid £21m for Luis Suarez.”
Manager B: “Point five!”
Chairman: “No point fives after 10. You must bid at least £22m.”
The Titus Bramble Ruling
Titus Bramble ruling – mechanism removing an illegal player from a team and replacing him with a forfeit player. Triggered by one of three ways: buying two players from the same Premier League club / country, buying a player that means the overall team budget exceeds £100m or buying too many players in one position. The illegal player will be returned to the pot and is available to be introduced to auction. Named after Sunderland defender Titus Bramble.
Manager A: “Why have you got Marouane Chamakh? He’s awful.”
Manager B: “I went over budget and got snared by the Titus Bramble ruling.”
Titus Bramble player – a forfeit player used in the Titus Bramble ruling, and costing half the amount of player lost. Generally accepted to be of questionable quality. Dubious moral character desirable. Comedy name/characteristic a bonus.
Manager A: “Stewart Downing would make a great Titus Bramble player. He didn’t get any goals or assists last season.
Manager B: “Yeah, and he looks like a little boy who’s lost his mum in a shopping centre.”
The pot – players available to be introduced to auction. Used most often when referring to where a lost player returns in the Titus Bramble ruling.
Manager A: “Is Sergio Aguero back in the pot?”
Manager B: “Yes, he was removed from my team when I was caught Brambling.”
Over time, use of the Titus Bramble ruling has given rise to several derivative expressions based on his name.
Brambling – the act of triggering the Titus Bramble ruling through absent mindedness, either through buying or bidding for an illegal player.
Manager A: “Once I’ve had a few beers there’s a lot more chance I’ll be Brambling.”
Manager B: “Knowing your previous, it wouldn’t even take a cup of mint tea.”
Accidental / incidental Brambling – to bid for a player that would be illegal if bought, but to recognise this before any other manager is affected. This will not trigger the Titus Bramble ruling, but the offending manager must down a shot of Apple Sourz before taking any further part in the auction
Manager A: “I’ll bid £2m on Yohan Cabeye. No wait! I already have a Newcastle player.”
Chairman: “That’s accidental Brambling. Bar.”
Manager B: “Muppet.”
Tactical Brambling – the heinous, foul, debased act of deliberately buying, or attempting to buy, an illegal player to trigger the Titus Bramble ruling and free up funds to gain a financial advantage later on in the auction. In an effort to eradicate this pernicious cancer, regulations were changed in July 2012 whereby all Brambling would result in half the transfer fee being docked. The offender must also down a glass of Pink Gin before taking any further part in the auction
Manager A: “Yes, I know by buying Balotelli for £19m I would lose fellow Man City player David Silva, who cost £33m. However, I would still have a top player and get £14m back into my transfer kitty.”
Manager B: “Tactical Brambling. You disgust me. And under rules you lose £16.5m – half the cost of Silva – and have to neck a Pink Gin. It’s just not worth it.”
Brambled – the past participle is often used reflexively.
Manager A: “Congratulations on buying Robert Huth, but haven’t you already bought Peter Crouch from Stoke City?”
Manager B: “****! I’ve gone and Brambled myself.”
Other expressions
The window – refers to a transfer night where managers release players and then make new signings from the pot. A similar process to the auction.
Manager A: “I can’t wait for the window. I’m bottom of the league.”
Manager B: “Looking at your team, you’ll need more than a transfer night, you’ll need a bloody miracle.”
The Repka Effect – phenomenon occurring when an unfashionable player left in the pot performs better than big-money signings, but still fails to attract interest in the window. Named after former West Ham defender Tomas Repka when the league’s first season in 2005.
Manager A: “The Yak scored loads of points last season and no one picked him in the window.”
Manager B: “That’ll be the Repka Effect.”
The Ramadan Breaker – alternative name for the auction when it’s held in the 30 days after the first sighting of the new moon. The daylight start time can put a strain on fasting activities.
Manager A: “I thought you were fasting, yet you’re on your third pint.”
Manager B: “Yeah, I’ve just eaten a bag of pork scratchings too. The Kenna can be a real Ramadan Breaker.”
Charts and Graphs – the league’s operations department responsible for producing scores, tables and comparative data.
Manager A: “I’m sure Emerson Boyce scored a goal this week, but it hasn’t appeared on the table.”
Manager B: “You’ll want to run that past Charts and Graphs, although if you’re relying on Boyce for goals the window can’t come too soon for you.”
The Chalkstripes – staff in the league’s speculations department responsible for making predictions about anything from future performance of individual players or teams to whether the new admin girl likes being taken up the Oxo Tower.
Manager A: “The Chalkstripes say that Frank Lampard will be the big-money flop this season.”
Manager B: “They also reckon it would be really difficult to wash the blood out of those London 2012 Games Maker uniforms.”
The Oxo Tower – landmark on London’s Southbank with a cocktail bar at the top.
Picks: Chairman will have a confidential list of 200 players
THE CHAIRMAN is to pick players to be introduced to auction if managers are too slow.
Under new rules managers must immediately introduce a player or be overridden by a ‘Chairman’s pick’.
The change has been designed to speed up the team-buying process after significant gaps were left in starting line ups at May’s Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.
“To put it politely, as league membership has swelled, it’s become increasingly difficult to get all business completed in a timely manner. To be blunt, we’re tired of waiting for half-cut managers to make up their mind about who to introduce,” said the Chairman, putting on his ‘we’re waiting for you‘ face.
A confidential list of 200 players will be compiled by the Chairman before the auction.
Managers will have the choice of picking a player themselves, or leaving it to the Chairman.
A Chairman’s pick will not trigger the Titus Bramble ruling for any managers, unless they make an illegal bid.
In other news, the Kenna has written a strongly-worded email to the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games after no mention of the league was made in any of London 2012’s pageantry.
“It appeared to us that any Tom, Dick or Harry could carry the torch, so with our tireless work in English sport and promoting London pubs (for not a penny of remuneration, nonetheless) we must have been a dead cert for the opening ceremony. The call never came.
“You make yourselves out to be this inclusive, public-spirited organisation, but in actual fact you’ve got absolutely no cultural sensitivities. Just look at the Korean flag mix up: you made a real dog’s dinner of that,” read a rambling extract.
Pink Gin: tastes like neat gin, only worse. Financial penalties for Brambling also loom
PINK GIN is to be deployed in the war on tactical Brambling.
Managers found to be deliberately making illegal bids at next month’s Kenna auction will have to order, buy and drink the cocktail before taking any further part in proceedings.
New regulations also mean that all managers convoking the Titus Bramble ruling, whether tactical, incidental or accidental, will have half the value of the player forfeit confiscated.
In a press conference arranged in the lounge bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the Chairman said: “Pink Gin is the perfect drink to deter tactical Bramblers. While the addition of Angostura Bitters turns the drink the colour of a Frank Schlek urine sample, it does absolutely nothing to detract from the taste of warm, neat gin.
“We have acted decisively to stamp out the pernicious threat of tactical Brambling. It will mean tougher penalties for all Brambling, but the spirit of the Kenna is at stake.”
It must be proved beyond reasonable doubt that tactical Brambling has taken place for the rule to take effect.
Steaua Apples
The league has announced more lenient rules for managers accidentally introducing an illegal player to auction. If no other bids are made, and the manager immediately recognises their blunder, the Titus Bramble ruling will not be triggered.
“If no other managers make any bids for a player recognised to be illegal, the offending manager will not receive a forfeit, but may take no further part in the auction until they have bought and downed an Apple Sourz. That’s the kind of spirit the league has for members, and I’m sure managers can reciprocate that gesture,” said the Chairman in his munificence.
Those taking proceedings too seriously and throwing their toys out of the pram will be subject to ‘Mogadishu Rules’ – and openly mocked by the whole group.
More details about the ‘Spirit of the Kenna’ can be found on the Titus Bramble page.
Full rules and regulations will be shared with managers prior to the auction.
THE INTEGRITY of the Kenna has been called into question after the controversial appointment of a new league treasurer.
The Chairman today came out in support of his decision to appoint the Bala Rinas boss as official bean counter, despite murmurings from the Kenna rank and file.
“The Bala Rinas manager has my full backing and is integral to the new direction the league is taking towards a system of annual subscription. Ultimately this will bring more benefits to managers,” said the Chairman at a press conference, setting off a roomful of corporate prattle detectors.
Other managers are less than convinced.
“I have grave concerns about his integrity” – the Young Boys boss.
“He’s a complete con man who can’t be trusted. I’ve been burnt many times by this tea leaf with his silky, serpent tongue. I was happier when the money went towards the Chairman’s taxi and kebab fund, ” said the Judean Peoples’ Front gaffer, inadvertently pinpointing exactly why a treasurer was needed in the first place.
“You’re going to need an ethics committee after this atrocity” – the Lurliners manager.
In the face of this opposition, the Chairman remained steadfast in his praise of the new treasurer, whose ascent to the committee was reportedly ratified on the strength of single spreadsheet.
“He gave a very convincing presentation about marvellous opportunities in ‘brick’, I think he said, and sound investments in the Spanish construction industry, which is funny, because every time you see them in the news they look like they’re in a spot of bother,” he said, merrily signing a personal cheque for 500 branded hard hats.
“Anyway, the diagram he drew of a triangle to explain just how the scheme would work was extremely impressive. It was all jolly technical, but he’s assured me that this time next year we’ll be millionaires.”
Cavalier attitude: Bramblers, both tactical and accidental, are to face much stiffer penalties
IN THAT brief period of English sport when there’s no proper football, it’s too wet for cricket and the only diversion is the mind-blowing sight of a man raised in Kilburn wearing the yellow jersey with six days to go, rumours abound.
For Kenna managers eagerly awaiting next month’s auction ahead of the Premier League opening on 18 August, tittle tattle is at fever pitch as to how the administration will tighten up rules in the wake of May’s illegal bidding scandal.
Now the man responsible for Tactical Brambling, the practice of bidding for a player to deliberately incur a forfeit and free up funds, gives his dark insight into what happened that fateful evening in late spring – the time when the rain began.
Despite being dealt a hefty penalty, the Testiculadewland manager finished second in the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012.
But retribution works in mysterious ways: if he’d had kept Franck Ribery instead of Karim Benzema he’d have been the champion.
“When Benzema first came up my first thoughts were: ‘I’ll go for him’.
“Slightly later I realised that I had Ribery. I then thought: ‘Sod it, I wanted Benzema from the start and I want a good strike force. I can still have three good midfielders and the Bramble for losing Ribery’, as I saw it in my tipsy state.
“It was a gamble on my behalf, one in hindsight I don’t think really paid off. And Benzema only became available because of an earlier Bramble by someone else.
“I think tactical Brambling could pay off if done very carefully, but would only pay off the first time and if a manager was to repeatedly do it their team would very soon suffer.
“I think there’s an argument to be had to allow it as part of the game. It certainly makes the mid part of the auction more interesting and because your team is affected every time, your team exponentially becomes worse the more you do it, and there are already rules in place to deter it.
“I didn’t set out to tactical Bramble. It happened on the spur of the moment. Even if it was allowed I wouldn’t set out with it as part of my auction game plan, but if half way along things aren’t going well, its a rash gamble that could be played.
“Wracked with guilt I’ve tried to think of a way of stopping it, or a way you can distinguish between tactical Brambling and old-fashioned honest stupidity Brambling, but can’t think of anything as practical or fun as allowing it.”
If, as early reports suggest, there are to be stiffer penalties to the Titus Bramble ruling being announced later this week, the Testiculadewland manager’s cavalier approach will be frustrated.
