50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned
Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

50p
50p: “He’s a spent force.”

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012
Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 PSV Mornington El Pons 43 3
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 33 1
3 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 0
5 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 28 2
6 Woking Mike 28 1
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 1
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 24 0
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 22 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 19 2
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 18 1
16 Greendale Rockets Stu 17 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 17 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
19 FC Testicluadew James N 15 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 14 0
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Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4
League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets
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Vasco De Beauvoir

Manager: Stix (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and Chairman)

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins

Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Al-Habsi, A WIG £2.5m
Harte, I REA £10m
Nastasic, M MCY £13m
Ferdinand, R MUN £6.5m
McAuley, G WBA £0.5m
Gutierrez, J NEW £5m
Etherington, M STO £0.5m
Puncheon, J SOT £29m
Ramires CHE £12m
Ruiz, B FUL £0.5m
Podolski, L ARS £40m
 Total £119.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Kolorov, A MCY £19m Nastasic, M MCY £13m
Surman, A NOR £0.5m Puncheon, J SOT £29m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Hibbert, T EVE £5m Kolarov, A MCY £19m
Pennant, J STO £1m Etherington, M STO £0.5m
Rosicky, T ARS £1.5m Surman, A NOR £0.5m
Borini, F LIV £19m Ruiz, B FUL £0.5m
Lita, L (B) SWA £20m Podolski, L ARS £40m
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Missing Cameroon keeper named in forfeit squad

African football pitch
Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad

THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.

Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.

However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.

“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.

The hunt for the most mediocre players in the Premier League started a month ago and has claimed 16 footballers, including some names from big clubs.

“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.

Titus Bramble squad

Goalkeeper

Drusille Ngako (free agent)

Defenders

Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)

Midfielders

Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)

Strikers

Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal)
Bebe (Man U)
Apostolos Vellios (Everton)
Callum McManaman (Wigan)
Leroy Lita (Swansea)

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