Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio: all three sacked managers picked up turkey of the month awards
THANKS to their league and cup double, in addition to August and January’s Manager of the Month awards, the FC Testiculadew manager has earned a tidy £212.80 this season.
Despite picking up three MOTMs, the Lokomotiv Leeds boss could only muster second place, but still goes home with £79.80.
Steady Newington Reds couldn’t impress in any particular month, but came third to pocket their gaffer £19.
Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth
EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.
In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.
FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.
“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.
“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.
Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.
FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.
“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.
Everyone else finished mid-table.
January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.
Lamplighters through the knock-out stages of the tournament, there’ll be no love lost between sibling rivals the FCT and Chickens managers.
The Chickens boss will hope goalscoring occasionals Steve Morison, Robert Huth and Theo Walcott will also hit a gold stream in what promises to be a ding-dong tie.
Sacked: the Seduction boss arrives at Liverpool Crown Court
LONG. Hard. Ending with a gooey substance on the face.
For two other managers, the Polonia Forsyth boss’s experiences echo the Kenna season.
Guaranteeing her place in the relegation zone with one week left to go, the Polonia boss faces being blackballed by the club board – a term she previously associated with an alternative warm-up exercise developed with Mario Balotelli.
Sadly, unless the ‘madcap’ Italian produces the performance of his life this weekend, the Polonia gaffer faces a similar fate to the Thieving Magpies manager.
The August titular fiasco perhaps a sign of the calamity to come, a summons to the Rochdale grooming trial has made the Seduction manager’s position untenable.
“But I didn’t know they wanted the pills for that,” he pleaded.
Meanwhile, FC Testiculadew march on towards their first Kenna league title.
FCT need to score 65 points this week to break the most-points-scored-in-a-season record, set by Vasco De Beauvoir in the inaugural Kenna 2005/06 season.
They could also scoop the second ever Kenna double by beating Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens in the Cannestan Combi Cup final on Sunday.
Vasco De Beauvoir won the first ever double in the 2009/10 season, before their manager went on to lift the 2010 Khumalo World Cup.
A preview of the cup final will be published later in the week.
Coke: Heart problems not a concern for Lurliners boss
AS UNSPECTACULAR debut seasons in the Kenna go, Lurliners‘ has been textbook.
Floating around the bottom half of the table since an early charge in autumn, the club have made a dwindling impact.
Goals this week from the unlikely duo Franco di Santo and Steven Fletcher alleviated relegation fears hanging over the outfit for the last few weeks.
Concern was beginning to emerge after long-term injuries to Steven Taylor, Kieron Gibbs and a Fabrice Muamba cardiac arrest, but the Lurliners manager hasn’t been letting pressure get the better of him.
“Relegation? Relegation? There’s not chance I’ll be relegated. My team will definitely stay up. Definitely! If I find anyone talking about relegation at the club I’ll tie them to a tree and put a gun to their head, see how they like pressure. The only thing we’re going out is to town, and we’ll have a great time. A great time! You’ll see. When are the girls getting here? Get on the phone!” said the Lurliners manager while pacing up and down his office, ice tinkling in his Jack and Coke, ordering Bradley Johnson to rack up another line.
Meanwhile, Papiss Demba Cissé is ridiculing his £0.5m January price tag.
“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Spartak Mogadishu manager, preparing his war chest to retain the striker in the summer auction.
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We were very sorry to hear about your resignation as manager of FC Barcelona last week. Since your appointment in 2008, the club has lit up football around the world and proved a welcome antidote to the cynical professionalism so prevalent in today’s game (although the Sergio Busquets simulation issue does remain a concern).
We hear you’re taking a break from management. While this is perfectly understandable considering the incredible pressure involved in leading a European giant to such success, we’re sure a man of your drive and focus will not be able to stay away from that atmosphere for long.
When you feel you’re ready to return to the kind of challenge that led to the outstanding achievements of your previous tenure, get in touch with us about the possibility of managing a team in the Jeff Kenna League.
At the summer auction you’ll find yourself drawing on every reserve of the craft, determination and grit you used to lift three European Cups. Transfer nights will make an away trip to the Santiago Bernabéu seem like late supper with good friends and a porron.
Should you decide to accept, liberty over signings and budget allocation are guaranteed. The cream of footballers in the Premiership are available. The only hard and fast rule is that you must play 4-4-2. This is England, Pep, and people here just aren’t ready for continental ‘three at the back’ tinkering, no matter how proven it is at getting results.
The gauntlet’s been thrown down. The only question that now remains is whether you have the cullons to pick it up.
Bag: Experts say the Kenna would have been forced in by a third party
THE CHAMPIONSHIP title may have wanted to padlock itself into a bag because current managers are so inept, it emerged today at the Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry.
The panel heard chilling evidence from the 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup, which attempted to padlock itself into a bag in the aftermath of the controversial tournament.
“The group stages went well, but then the newspaper stopped printing the scores. The administration tried to deal with it by waiting until after the final and getting all the player totals from some random Yank sports website. I felt completely devalued. It was an utter clusterf*ck,” said the Caniggia after the inquiry had watched video evidence of the tournament trying to lock itself in a holdall in 2007.
The panel heard that the Kenna title could have resorted similar actions.
“The mediocre managers in the league today? Their naive auction tactics? I wouldn’t be surprised if this season’s championship had wanted to be in the bag,” stated the Caniggia, fighting back the tears.
Experts maintain that it’s unlikely the Kenna could have got into the bag itself, and that it must have been forced in by a third party.
FCT will face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, whose comprehensive second-leg turnaround left Hairy Fadjeetas to fully concentrate on their relegation battle.
“We just kept pumping it into their box and in the end gave them a right going over,” said the Chickens manager, pulling a stray whisker from his teeth.
CLINT Dempsey, Wayne Rooney and Wojciech Szczesny are all set to be called as star witnesses in an official Kenna investigation.
The FC Testiculadew players will give evidence after it emerged that their manager has had the Kenna championship padlocked in a bag in his bathroom since January.
The FCT manager will also be called to answer allegations of using ‘dark arts’ to steer his team to league victory in his debut Kenna season.
“I’ve absolutely nothing to fear from these allegations. I think it’s just handbags from the league administration. They’re trying to get me the sack because I’ve been so successful,” said the FCT boss, who’s yet to explain the £20,000 of women’s clothes found in his flat and his decision to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips for £8m.
Kenna HQ are due to call Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, even though his form has done the biggest disappearing act since the Sky News IT department deleted the canoe man’s emails.
“We will be conducting a full, fair and fearless inquiry into this highly controversial issue. This is no open-and-shut case,” said the Chairman.
Gaping: the gap between FCT and the pack is over 100 points
“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.
“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.
“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”
Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.
