PSV Mornington (first window)

Manager: Mr Ramon Pons Condom (CAT)

Since: 2009

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona

de Gea, D MUN £16m
Cahill, G BOL £15m
Salgado, M BLR £6m
Brown, W SUN £6m
Savic, S MCY £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £28m
Murphy, D FUL £12m
Ben Arfa, H NEW £0.5m
Song, A ARS £3m
Defoe, J TOT £12m
Saha, L EVE £0.5m
£99.5m
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Spartak Mogadishu (first window)

Manager: Mr Abdi Ali (SOM)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Arsenal

Al Habsi, A WIG £6m
Hangeland, B FUL £14m
Distin, S EVE £8.5m
Smalling, C MUN £2.5m
Mertesacker, P ARS £10m
Elmohamady, A SUN £5m
Henderson, J LIV £6.5m
Jarvis, M WLV £10m
Bale, G TOT £23m
N’Gog, D BOL £1.5m
Jones, K STO £0.5m
£87.5m
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DTS Grosvenor (first window)

Manager: Mr Dan Terry (ENG)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Hart, J MCY £20m
Fabio MUN £1m
Elokobi, G WLV £0.5m
King, L TOT £0.5m
Martin, R NOR £0.5m
Tiote, C NEW £0.5m
Malouda, F CHE £26m
Larsson, S SUN £6.5m
Osman, L EVE £5m
Crouch, P STO £8m
Odemwingie, P WBA £19m
£87.5m
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Theiving Magpies (first window)

Manager: Mr Phil Davis (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trohpy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Notts County

Robinson, P BLR £4m
Terry, J CHE £28m
Lescott, J MCY £10m
Agger, D LIV £10m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Pratley, D BOL £0.5m
Obertan, G NEW £8.5m
Taarabt, A QPR £0.5m
Park, Ji-Sung MUN £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £32m
Doyle, K WLV £0.5m
£95m
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Young Boys of Kilburn (first window)

Manager: Mr Andrew Denney (WAL)

Since: 2006

Trohpy cabinet: league 2011

Sympathies: Spurs

Given, S AVL £8m
Kompany, V MCY £27m
Ferdinand, R MUN £0.5m
Cole, A CHE £28.5m
Ferdinand, A QPR £0.5m
O’Hara, J WLV £5m
Reo-Coker, N BOL £0.5m
Cabaye, Y NEW £0.5m
Diame, M WIG £0.5m
Gervinho ARS £12m
Walters, J STO £15m
£98m
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Vasco De Beauvoir (first window)

Manager: Mr Alistair Drummond (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: League winners in 2005, league and cup double in 2010

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Schwarzer, M FUL £0.5m
Young, L QPR £10m
Bosingwa, J CHE £14m
Hutton, A AVL £0.5m
Boyce, E WIG £0.5m
Pilkington, A NOR £10m
Nzonzi, S BLR £0.5m
Kuyt, D LIV £20m
Gardner, C SUN £3m
Aguero, S MCY £40m
Lita, L SWA £0.5m
£99.5m
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Superfuzz (first window)

Manager: Mr Pete Edwards

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Southampton

Krul, T NEW £0.5m
Stearman, R WLV £0.5m
Baines, L EVE £11m
Knight, Z BOL £0.5m
Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
Nani MUN £32m
Johnson, A MCY £9.5m
Dyer, N SWA £0.5m
Petrov, S AVL £0.5m
Anelka, N CHE £7.5m
Suarez, L LIV £28m
£91m
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Cup draw results

Cannestan Combi Cup
Cannestan Combi Cup fever takes hold

Teams have been drawn for the group stages of this season’s Cannestan Combi Cup, the oldest and most prestigious tournament contest in Kenna history.

With 19 entrants, this season’s group stage sees group D teams only having to play three matches. In all the other groups teams will play four.

The top two teams from each group will progress to a two-leg, knock-out stage, to be drawn at the Feburary window.

League points difference over the group fixtures will decide who progresses in the event of being level on cup points in the group.

Simple.

Cup dates will be announced soon.

Group A

Thieving Magpies

Lokomotiv Leeds

Young Boys of Kilburn

Hairy Fadjeetas

Vasco De Beauvoir

Group B

Just Put Carles

Polonia Forsyth

Bala Rinas

Headless Chickens

Newington Reds

Group C

Superfuzz

PSV Mornington

Dynamo Charlton

Spartak Mogadishu

The Dan Terry Seduction

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front

FC Testiculadew

Pikey Scum

Lurliners

Cup rules

Over the next three months teams will be will be pitched against each other in pre-selected weeks.

Whoever picks up the most points in that week will earn three cup points. Teams scoring an equal amount will get one a piece.

There are no points for a loss.

Teams equal on cup points at the end of the group stages will be decided on league points difference.

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Window smashes records

Smashed
Window: smashed

More Kenna records were left as smashed as the managers last night as the transfer window attracted 14 bidders.

In a pressure-cooker atmosphere behind some thick curtains in the upstairs of a Piccadilly pub, 13 managers packed in for business.

The Thieving Magpies manager offered some applied phone bidding. Kevin Doyle and Gabriel Obertan were his reward.

Colonel Gaddafi and Vincent Tabak sadly couldn’t make it.

League leaders FC Testiculadew (pronounced ‘Test-ick-you-lah-joo’, didn’t you know?) picked up in form attacker Juan Mata for £31m, much to the concern of those present.

Emmanuel Adebayor attracted the biggest price tag as the Pikey Scum boss recovered from his night inside to stump up £43m.

“An excellent evening and well attended,” said the Chairman. “Managers should remember that their new players will only start to score points from next weekend.

“Those not present who needed players can be assured there was an open and transparent process to fill the gaps in their teams.”

Full details, and the results of the Cannestan Combi Cup draw, will be published soon.

Top five most expensive window signings

  1. Emmanuel Adebayor – £43m (Pikey Scum)
  2. Juan Mata – £31m (FC Testiculadew)
  3. Gabby Agbonlahor – £22m (Bala Rinas)
  4. Phil Jones – £22m (Newington Reds)
  5. Leon Best – £16m (Headless Chickens)
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PHONEJACK-ERR

The pikey scum
Tour de Fraud: Evra may be an accomplice

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

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