Buys and lows

Monte Carlo Casino
Monte Carlo or bust: Headless Chickens bought Pavel Pogrebnyak for £14m

Despite the lack of seating there was no standing on ceremony at Friday’s auction.

Once the bidding was underway 30 players were sold in record time.

The high stakes of the Kenna aside early, managers were left to indulge in the comparatively risk-averse diversion of Leicester Square’s Empire Casino.

“An excellent turnout and a very professional operation indeed. Thank you to managers for making it such a memorable evening,” said the Chairman, trying to piece together events the next day from a wad of crumpled receipts in his wallet.

As is always the case after a transfer window, some new signings have jumped at the opportunity of a fresh start to take the game by the throat, while others…

Smash and grab raid of the window has to go to the Spartak Mogadishu boss, who picked up Papiss Demba Rodney Cisse for £500k.

“Yarrr! He be a fine vassal,” said the Spartak gaffer in a feudal moment.

Full teams and this week’s points will be available later in the week.

Most expensive buys

£15m

Ox-Chamberlain, A Young Boys
Pogrebnyak, P Headless Chickens

£14m

Sagna, B Lokomotiv Leeds

£13m

Cisse, D Pikey Scum

£12m

Pienaar, S Bala Rinas
Pennant, J Thieving Magpies

£11m

Morison, S Headless Chickens
Graham, D Spartak Mogadishu
Cahill, T Newington Reds

£10m

The Yak Bala Rinas

 

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Management training

Vasco presentation
"...to be a successful manager you need skill, judgement, luck and not to be so far gone on auction night that you wake up the next day with Titus Bramble...especially now he's inside."

A little later than planned, last week’s scores are now available.

The table would’ve been up sooner, but the Chairman and Vasco boss were away on a management training course (in separate hotel rooms, mind).

Honoured to have been invited, the Vasco manager prepared a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation for the group entitled ‘Leading Your Team To Success’.

Unfortunately, the delegates did not share the Vasco manager’s enthusiasm for going through each week’s spreadsheet of the 2005/06 season, and he made a sharp exit before the crowd turned.

Luckily, the Chairman had already started the car.

Glory assured

Once this cursed international break is over, we’ll have definitely learned one thing: a team can be as comfortable in their fancy dan possession as they like, but to win matches a side doesn’t need the skill to string together more than three passes.

Certainly, the England team, in fact England as a whole, will now adopt this philosophy and full-scale frenzy will descend upon the country until they slink out of Poland and/or Ukraine after losing on penalties to a Republic of Ireland team who can string together just two passes.

If any Englishmen out there start thinking “Maybe we could just do it this….” Stop! Have a word with yourself. We haven’t done it for 46 years.

The tumbleweed will surface in the Sweden game.

Week 13 points
Week 13 points
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FC Testiculadew (first window)

Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Everton

Szczesny, W ARS £2m
Kaboul, Y TOT £5.5m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Shorey, N WBA £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £31m
Dempsey, C FUL £5.5m
Fellaini, M EVE £4.5m
W-Phillips, S QPR £8m
Rooney, W MUN £28m
Dzeko, E MCY £5.5m
£96.5m
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Dynamo Charlton (first window)

Manager: Mr Alex Bass (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Reina, P LIV £9m
Assou-Ekotto, B TOT £6.5m
Warnock, S AVL £14m
Kolarov, A MCY £0.5m
Alcaraz, A WIG £3.5m
Barton, J QPR £9m
Hoolahan, W NOR £3m
Hunt, S WLV £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS £2m
Drogba, D CHE £18m
Wellbeck, D MUN £14m
£80m
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Hairy Fadjeetas (first window)

Manager: Mr Aiden Brisland (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Hennessey, W WLV £4m
Evans, J MUN £7.5m
Jagielka, P EVE £14.5m
Kelly, M LIV £2.5m
Givet, G BLR £3.5m
Etherington, M STO £12.5m
Lennon, A TOT £8.5m
Brunt, C WBA £6.5m
Asharvin, A ARS £10m
Torres, F CHE £27.5m
Klasnic, I BOL £1.5m
£98.5m
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Headless Chickens (first window)

Manager: Mr John Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Mignolet, S SUN £6m
Huth, R STO £1m
Baird, C FUL £6m
Clichy, G MCY £8.5m
Johnson, R WLV £4.5m
Adam, C LIV £10m
Pedersen, M BLR £9m
Walcott, T ARS £17m
Parker, S TOT £6.5m
Long, S WBA £14m
Best, L NEW £16m
£98.5m
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Judaen Peoples’ Front (first window)

Manager: Mr Sholto Gilbertson (WAL)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Manchester United

Ruddy, J (B) NOR £0.5m
Williams, A SWA £2.5m
Gallas, W TOT £10m
Toure, K MCY £7m
Upson, M STO £4m
Cleverley, T MUN £7.5m
Duff, D FUL £8m
Derry, S QPR £1m
Ramires CHE £9.5m
van Persie, R ARS £38.5m
Bellamy, C LIV £0.5m
£89m
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Just Put Carles (first window)

Just Put Carles made no transfers in the first window

Manager: Mr Carles Duz (CAT)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona, Fulham

Cech, P CHE £20m
Wilson, M STO £0.5m
Ward, S WLV £0.5m
Robinson, P BOL £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £0.5m
Gerrard, S LIV £26.5m
Silva, D MCY £22m
Coleman, S EVE £2.5m
Anderson MUN £0.5m
Zamora, B FUL £15.5m
Chamakh, M ARS £1.5m
£90.5m
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Lokomotiv Leeds (first window)

Manager: Mr Ben Silver (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Leeds United

Foster, B WBA £4m
Skrtel, M LIV £18m
Samba, C BLR £9m
Simpson, D NEW £0.5m
Taylor, N SWA £0.5m
Bennett, E NOR £0.5m
Toure, Y MCY £16.5m
van der Vaart, R TOT £5m
Moses, V WIG £3m
Hernandez, J MUN £21m
Sturridge, D CHE £0.5m
£78.5m
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Newington Reds (first window)

Manager: Mr Ben Dudley (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Kenny, P QPR £0.5m
Shawcross, R STO £9m
Jones, P MUN £22m
Riise, J FUL £8m
Vermaelen, T ARS £3m
Downing, S LIV £16m
N’Zogbia, C AVL £0.5m
Nasri, S MCY £18m
Sinclair, S SWA £1.5m
Ba, D NEW £11m
Rodallega, H WIG £0.5m
£90m
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