Özil takes individual lead

THREE CLEAN sheets and some majestic, quarter final string pulling from Mesut Özil have put Testiculadewland well in contention for the Olisadebe.

The team’s controversial manager, who was found to be deliberately breaking the rules – or ‘tactical Brambling’ – in the pre-tournament auction, now finds himself in second place.

“Piqué, Contraõ and Bonucci put in some fine defensive displays, and to be in this position now even with a gap in the original team is a big plus,” said the Testiculadewland manager, possibly hinting at Karim Benzema’s selection.

Leaders The Eurosceptics head into this week’s semi finals as favourites for the title with Lukas Podolski, Antonio Cassano, Jordi Alba and Bruno Alves all due to start.

At the other end there’s a downright pathetic party being made by the current world champion manager.

With most of the team already thrown out and just Jerome Boateng, Nani, the suspended Maggio and the guys from the chess club playing Xbox in the living room left, the Make Party boss has admitted his festivity planning had been seriously miscalculated.

“We excited for bit because gram-stripper come, but some joker make this roll-poll ebony,” said the Make Party manager, before reading a gift card marked only ‘Chernobyl Forlov‘.

Sceptical knockout

THE EUROSCEPTICS have emerged from the Euro 2012 group stages as serious contenders for the Olisadebe.

A full 19 points ahead of the pack with seven games to go, the international debutants will be hard to catch, especially with a key player from each of the quarter finalists in their ranks.

“It’s been going well so far, but I’m not taking any risks. These knockout stages can be a bit of a lottery, like signing up to a single currency with a country whose national economy is based on smashing plates,” said the Sceptics manager.

The chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department agree on the uncertainty of knockout stages, but assert that the groups have been largely predictable.

In Group A, Czech Republic have European tournament pedigree and Greek phalanx has fought with its customary blunt effectiveness.

Germany dominated Group B and Portugal picked up the rewards of Holland’s customary morale breakdown.

Despite creative midfield flair, Croatia were unable to overcome Spanish dominance and that familiar Italian pragmatism in Group C. Ireland are good at singing.

And in Group D, the two favourites went through with a shouting match in the French dressing room.

So all in all the competition’s been exciting, but pretty much where the chalkstripes said we’d be.

Meanwhile, Chernobyl Forlov’s Mario Gomez leads the individual points scoring total with 24.

Hoodyanika Bolokov’s David Silva is a close second with 20.

In bureaucratic news, the Chairman’s looking forward to watching tonight’s match at a dusty, white-patio-chaired, Portuguese bar later.

“I ate a chicken piri piri for lunch that knocks Nando’s into a cocked hat,” he said.

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Scepticism best group stage approach

EVEN BEFORE last night’s goal from Anotnio Cassano, the Eurosceptics were enjoying the Euro 2012 group stages.

Lukas Podolski, Yohan Cabeye and Rafael van der Vaart have all found the net to send the team top of the Olisadebe.

Three Mario Gomez goals and one from Theo Walcott have Chernobyl Forlov a close second.

But attack isn’t everything. Despite Alan Dzagoev’s treble, Ronaldo’s double and one from Samir Nasri, Utoya Island XI are bottom of the table.

The team’s back five have a combined total of -1. With Dzagoev out of the competition,the manager’s hunt for his first silverware looks set to continue.

1	The Eurosceptics	Alex Bass	77	3
2	Chernobyl Forlov	Aiden Brisland	73	4
3	Just Put Warsaw	Carles Duz	67	1
4	Bwing on the Euwos	Denney	65	4
5	Don’t know yet	Pete Ball	63	2
6	Everybody Gdansk Now	Ben Dudley	62	3
7	Every Pole’s a Goal	Seimon Lewis	62	1
8	Testiculadewland	James Norris	62	1
9	The Horn of Africa	Abdi Ali	59	3
10	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	John Norris	59	1
11	Hoodunika Bolokov	Jack	57	2
12	Make Party	Six	56	2
13	Just Femen	Claire Forysth	56	2
14	Utoya Island 11	Sholto	48	6

Swedish dismay at Olisadebe visit

SWEDISH doormen were made to earn their crust last night as the Chairman’s party descended on their capital city.

Despite their impeccable manners, the prospect of two Englishmen wearing faux football shirts and pub crawl faces was too much for Stockholm: the delegation was ejected from three establishments and refused entry to many more.

In one particularly farcical incident, the pair were asked to leave a premises after a random Finn drained his glass, smashed it on the floor and went out for a cigarette.

“Sweden has a very liberal reputation, but in this case it was ill deserved. We faced discrimination at its basest level and were forced to watch each of the five goals in different bars,” said the Chairman this morning, while fighting a bitter war of attrition with a headache.

It was points o’clock in the Olisadebe as seven different players found the net yesterday, including Horn of Africa’s Andy Carroll.

“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Somali manager.

‘Dire’: Critical remarks for Olisadebe

BWING ON the Euwos were announced as early leaders of the Olisadebe after an accent scandal rocked the competition.

Two goals from Mario Mandžukić and one from Kuba Błaszczykowski sent the heavily foreign-charactered outfit into first place.

Organisers had originally announced Make Party on top, but a blunder with diacritical marks on players names meant scores had not updated properly.

Cesc Fàbregas, Thomas Müller, Fabio Contrão, Franck Ribèry and Kim Källström were among others under awarded points.

“Weally weally enwaged by the scowing on the fwist table. Feel discwiminated against. This is diwe,” said the Bwing on the Euwos boss in a press conference as his players Mario Götze and Dįrk Kūŷt prepared to warm the bench in tonight’s titanic clash.

The individual top points scorer so far is Utoya Island XI’s Alan Dzagoev (18).

Olisadebe standings - 4pm 13Jun12 — Olisadebe standings – 4pm 13Jun12

Euro 2012 crackdown on racism banana skin

AUTHORITIES have taken a drastic step against racism at Euro 2012, by closing down every green grocers within a 30-mile radius of host venues.

Polish and Ukrainian police forces made a coordinated swoop from the Baltic coast to the Black Sea in an attempt to remove the threat of bananas being thrown at black players during the tournament.

As part of the operation, thousands of fruit and veg venders were arrested on suspicion of inciting racial hatred.

With the spectre of racism hanging over the competition, European football’s governing body welcomed the move.

“It’s good to see authorities have eradicated the opportunity for these dealers of hate to profiteer from the tournament, especially when they haven’t given us a penny of corporate sponsorship,” read a UEFA statement.

Despite ensuring revenue for Euro 2012 organisers, the arrests have increased concerns that driving exotic fruit underground will create a black market.

A Polish green grocer who escaped the purge and wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals said: “I’m just doing the best for my family. Locally-grown apples and strawberries keep me above the poverty line but imported fruit like bananas turn a far superior profit.

“If 20 men with shaved heads come into my shop and buy enough bananas for me to send my children to university, what am I supposed to do?”

Ukrainian women’s rights group FEMEN, fierce critics of the anticipated boost to prostitution Euro 2012 will bring to the country, joined the debate by getting their melons out.

Make Party celebrate Olisadebe lead

TWO GOALS from Andriy Shevchenko saw Make Party take the initiative in the opening round of fixtures.

“People they talk we no have chance but I good motivate for team. I also do plumb,” said the Make Party manager.

Everybody Gdansk Now are a close second, not down to any particular individual performance but because they were the only team in which all 11 players picked up appearance points.

Testiculadewland, whose preparations for the tournament were mired in controversy, struggled to make an impact as goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny sent off in the opening match.

Points are taken from matches up to and including Greece v Czech Republic on 12 June 2012.

The top individual points scorer so far is Vaclav Pilar with 14 (unsigned).

Euro 2012 country guides – Group D

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

England

Hart, J	GK	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£14m
Jones, P	DF	Just Put Warsaw	£5m
Johnson, G	DF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£7m
Cole, A	DF	Bwing on the Euwos	£14m
Terry, J	DF	The Eurosceptics	£11m
Young, A	MF	Utoya Island XI	£26m
Downing, S (TB)	MF	Make Party	£0.5m
Gerard, S	MF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£20m
Walcott, T	MF	Chernobyl Forlov	£5m
The Ox	MF	Testsiculadewland	£0.5m
Carroll, A	ST	The Horn of Africa	£12m

France

Lloris, H	GK	Every Pole’s a Goal	£12m
Reveillere, A	DF	Make Party	£0.5m
Rami, A	DF	Chernobyl Forlov	£7m
Mexes, P	DF	Just Put Warsaw	£8.5m
Evra, P	DF	Just FEMEN	£9m
Ribery, F	MF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£21m
Debuchy, M	MF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£0.5m
Nasri, S	MF	Utoya Island XI	£16m
Malouda, F	MF	Don’t Know Yet	£5m
Cabeye, Y	MF	The Eurosceptics	£0.5m
Remy, L	ST	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£0.5m
Ben Arfa, H	ST	Bwing on the Euwos	£0.5m
Benzema, K	ST	Testsiculadewland	£17m

Sweden

Safari, B	DF	Chernobyl Forlov	£0.5m
Mellberg, O	DF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£12m
Olsson, M	DF	The Horn of Africa	£7.5m
Antonsson, M	DF	Utoya Island XI	£0.5m
Larsson, S	MF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£8.5m
Elm , R	MF	Bwing on the Euwos	£0.5m
I, Zlatan	ST	Testsiculadewland	£20m
Elmander, J	ST	Just FEMEN	£7m

Ukraine

Pyatov, A	GK	Don’t Know Yet	£1m
Kucher, O	DF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£0.5m
Husyev, O	MF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£0.5m
Konoplyanka, Y	MF	Testsiculadewland	£0.5m
Shevchenko, A	ST	Make Party	£5m

Group A

Group B

Group C

Euro 2012 country guides – Group C

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

Spain

Casillas, I	GK	Everybody Gdansk Now	£18m
Arbeloa, A	DF	Just Put Warsaw	£11m
Pique, G	DF	Testiculadewland	£25m
Ramos, S	DF	Bwing on the Euwos	£20m
Alba, J	DF	The Eurosceptics	£20
Silva, D	MF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£5.5m
Hernandez, X	MF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£20m
Mata, J	MF	Chernobyl Forlov	£.05m
Iniesta, A	MF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£29m
Busquets, S	MF	The Horn of Africa	£18m
Alonso, X	MF	Utoya Island XI	£3m
Fabregas, C	MF	Just FEMEN	£10m
Torres, F	ST	Don’t Know Yet	£21m

Italy

Buffon, G	GK	Bwing on the Euwos	£19m
De Sanctis, M	GK	Just Put Warsaw	£0.5m
Barzagli, A	DF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£0.5m
Chiellini, G	DF	Chernobyl Forlov	£12m
Bonucci, L	DF	Testiculadewland	£6.5m
Ranocchia, A	DF	Utoya Island XI	£0.5m
Maggio, C	MF	Make Party	£15m
Pirlo, A	MF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£8.5m
De Rossi, D	MF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£8m
Cassano, A	ST	The Eurosceptics	£7m
Di Natale	ST	The Horn of Africa	£7.5m
Balotelli, M	ST	Just FEMEN	£19m

Croatia

Pletikosa, S	GK	Chernobyl Forlov	£0.5m
Corluka, V	DF	Make Party	£1.5m
Simunic, J	DF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£0.5m
Pranjic, D	MF	Don’t Know Yet	£13m
Kranjcar, N	MF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£2m
Srna, D	MF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£7m
Mandzukic, N	MF	Bwing on the Euwos	£14m
Modric, L	MF	Just FEMEN	£10m
Jelavic, N	ST	Just Put Warsaw	£21m
Eduardo	ST	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£0.5m

Republic of Ireland

Given, S	GK	Utoya Island XI	£3.5m
Dunne, R	DF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£0.5m
O’Shea, J	DF	Just FEMEN	£4m
Hunt, S	MF	Chernobyl Forlov	£0.5m
Duff, D	MF	Just Put Warsaw	£4m
McGeady, A	MF	The Eurosceptics	£4.5m
Keane, R	ST	Make Party	£0.5m

Group A

Group B

Group D

Euro 2012 country guides – Group B

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

Netherlands

Stekelenburg, M	GK	Just FEMEN	£13m
Heitinga, J	DF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£8.5m
Mathijsen, J	DF	Testiculadewland	£0.5m
van der Wiel, G	DF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£15m
de Jong, N	MF	The Horn of Africa	£0.5m
van der Vaart, R	MF	The Eurosceptics	£7m
Sneijder, W	MF	Make Party	£30m
Robben, A	MF	Don’t Know Yet	£33m
van Bommel, M	MF	Just Put Warsaw	£4.5m
van Persie, R	ST	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£38m
Huntelaar, KJ	ST	Cherbnobyl Forlov	£22m
Kuyt, D	ST	Bwing on the Euwos	£8m

Germany

Neuer, M	GK	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£15m
Mertesacker, P	DF	Utoya Island XI	£0.5m
Boateng, J	DF	Make Party	£0.5m
Lahm, P	DF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£11m
Badstuber, H	DF	Don’t Know Yet	£9m
Hummels, M	DF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£18m
Schweinsteiger, B	MF	Just FEMEN	£17m
Khedira, S	MF	The Horn of Africa	£13m
Gotze, M	MF	Bwing on the Euwos	£0.5m
Ozil, M	MF	Testiculadewland	£11m
Klose, M	ST	Every Pole’s a Goal	£15m
Gomez, M	ST	Chernobyl Forlov	£32m
Muller, T	ST	Just Put Warsaw	£8m
Podolski, L	ST	The Eurosceptics	£7m

Denmark

Jacobson, L	DF	Don’t Know Yet	£0.5m
Agger, D	DF	Just FEMEN	£3m
Eriksen, C	MF	The Horn of Africa	£12m
Lovenkrands, P	ST	Utoya Island XI	£0.5m
Bendtner, N	ST	Everybody Gdansk Now	£10m

Portugal

Pepe	DF	The Horn of Africa	£5m
Rolando	DF	Don’t Know Yet	£0.5m
Alves, B	DF	The Eurosceptics	£5m
Contrao, F	DF	Testiculadewland	£2.5m
Miereles, R	MF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£4.5m
Moutinho, J	MF	Just Put Warsaw	£11m
Veloso, M	MF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£0.5m
Quaresma, R	MF	Just FEMEN	£4m
Nani	MF	Make Party	£15m
Ronaldo, C	ST	Utoya Island XI	£28m
Postiga, H	ST	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£7.5m

Group A

Group C

Group D

Euro 2012 country guides – Group A

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

Poland

Szczesney, W	GK	Testiculadewland	£0.5m
Wasilewski, M	DF	Make Party	£0.5m
Wawrzyniak, J	DF	Every Pole’s a Goal	£0.5m
Wojtkowiak, G	DF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£0.5m
Piszczek, L	DF	The Horn of Africa	£16m
Obraniak, L	MF	Chernobyl Forlov	£0.5m
Blaszczykowski, J	MF	Bwing on the Euwos	£3m
Lewandowski, R	ST	Everybody Gdansk Now	£13m

Russia

Akinfeev, I	GK	Make Party	£8.5m
Ignashevich, S	DF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£7.5m
Berezutski, A	DF	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	£0.5m
Shiskin, R	DF	The Horn of Africa	£4m
Anyukov, A	DF	Bwing on the Euwos	£10m
Asharvin, A	ST	Every Pole’s a Goal	£0.5m
Dzagoev, A	MF	Utoya Island XI	£14m

Greece

Sifakis, M	GK	The Horn of Africa	£0.5m
Torrissidis, V	DF	Chernobyl Forlov	£0.5m
Papadopoulos, K	DF	The Eurosceptics	£9m
Katsouranis, K	MF	Just Put Warsaw	£3m
Ninis, S	MF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£2m
Samaras, G (TB)	ST	Don’t Know Yet	£0.5m

Czech Republic

Cech, P	GK	The Eurosceptics	£12m
Sivok, T	DF	Just FEMEN	£3.5m
Kadlec, M	DF	Bwing on the Euwos	£10m
Hubnik, R	DF	Everybody Gdansk Now	£8m
Gebreselassie, T	DF	Just Put Warsaw	£5.5m
Rosicky, T	MF	Hoodyanika Bolokov	£7.5m

Group B

Group C

Group D