Tag: fantasy football

Pies eye fairytale ending

ALEXIS Sanchez notched two goals and two assists to send Thieving Magpies 18 points clear at the top of the Kenna League.

It’s difficult to see how FC Testiculadew can mount a challenge from here. Zlatan is on the physio table, Eden Hazard is metaphorically on holiday (pictured) and only one weekend of full fixtures left of the season.

But if there’s one thing the Kenna has taught, it’s don’t rule out the man they call the Tactical Brambler.

One matter Kenna managers can rule out is everyone will be able to attend August’s auction.

Kenna HQ has been agonising over a date for the 13th edition of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

“The usual venue isn’t available for Saturday 12 August,” said the chairman in a press conference today.

“Charts and graphs are also unavailable for that date, so we’re looking at ‘going retro’ with an auction on the evening of Friday 4 August.”

An evening auction would signify a return to the roots of the Kenna.

Short on time, high on octane and loaded with the potential for Titus Bramble forfeits many would welcome the return of a Friday night bash, even if the adult playing cards went missing in the back of a taxi three years ago.

Kenna table week 36

Kenna table week 36 - 16 May 2017
Kenna table week 36 – 16 May 2017

Narcozep Cup Final – this weekend

Cowley Casuals v Adam Johnson Fan Club

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Title race tighter than a teen behind a Teeside takeaway

THE closest Kenna League title race in history is going right down to the wire.

After 35 weeks of competitive London pub-based fantasy football just a point separates FC Testiculadew and Thieving Magpies.

FCT had retaken the top spot this time last week and opened an 11-point gap.

But a brace from Sam Vokes, a goal from Salomon Rondon and assists from Pedro and Yaya Toure saw Thieving Magpies go within one point of the leaders.

The title could come down to a single match in three weeks time where the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are backing Pies (Pedro and Sanchez) over FCT (Hazard and Iwobi).

In the Narcozep Cup, the Kenna League chairman is in with a chance of winning a knockout tournament for a record third time after progressing past Burqini Pool Party.

The chairman’s side, Adam Johnson Fan Club, is facing Team Panda in the final in two weeks time in what’s being billed as the Rumble In Steve Ward’s Jumble.

Top three closest Kenna title races

  1. 2007/08 – 17 points: Fat Ladies over Recreativo Brockley – Ronaldo and Drogba win their second successive Kenna campaign at a different club
  2. 2014/15 – 22 points: Sporting Lesbian over Cowley Casuals – At the time the proximity of first and second in the table was of less concern than the Adam Johnson football chants
  3. 2008/09 – 28 points: Dynamo Temple over Nasmanian Devils – Dynamo won the league spending less than £9m per player in August and without turning up to a single window.

Kenna table week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 35 - 9 May 2017
Kenna table week 35 – 9 May 2017

Narcozep Cup semi final second leg results

Cowley 38 (72) v Panda 34 (76)

AJFC 37 (81) v Burqini 26 (71)

Narcozep Cup Final – 23 May 2017

Adam Johnson Fan Club v Team Panda

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Accidental kingmaker

KENNA League title races have never been so seesaw.

Even without the injured David Silva and Zlatan, FC Testiculadew reclaimed the top spot with notable performances from Eden Hazard (14) and Calum Chambers (13).

Thieving Magpies had a respectable week, but word in the Kenna HQ charts and graphs office is the manager is ‘bottling it’.

Another piece of tittle tattle from that department is worthy of report.

Calculations show the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager made a decision at the February transfer window to set off a cataclysmic consequences for the title race.

In selling Joshua King, the Pirate made space to buy Daniel Sturridge and therefore lose Gini Wijnaldum under the Titus Bramble ruling.

The 112 points difference made to the Somali’s season would have put his side right in the middle of the title race.

Furthermore, who should snap up the subsequent 44 points of Wijnaldum to put himself in the mix?

The Tactical Brambler.

Kenna table week 34

Kenna table week 34 - 2 May 2017
Kenna table week 34 – 2 May 2017

Narcozep Cup semi final first leg results

Cowley 34 v Panda 42

AJFC 44 v Burqini 45

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Magpies back on top

THIEVING Magpies are back at the top of the Kenna League after dominating the scoring this week.

Individual top scorer Alexis Sanchez notched, Yaya Toure assisted and clean sheets from Eldin Jakupovic, Phil Jagielka and Simon Francis saw ‘Pies overturn FC Testiculadew’s slender lead.

Despite a goal and assist from Eden Hazard on Monday night, the wind appears to have left FCT’s sails with injuries to key players David Silva and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

The former double double winner was also knocked out of the Narcozep Cup in his quarter final tie with Team Panda.

“Fools!” said the Tactical Brambler to journalists who had questioned his side’s depth outside club training facility The Death Star.

“You dare to quibble the effectiveness of Calum Chambers when that pathetic earthling [the Thieving Magpies manager] has a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang?

“I should have you all liquidated.”

In other Narcozep Cups news, the chairman took advantage of the league’s Tuesday-morning-to-Tuesday-morning scoring week to knock fellow committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager out.

Kenna table week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 33 - 25 April 2017
Kenna table week 33 – 25 April 2017

Narcozep Cup quarter final second leg results

ISIL 26 (49) – 21 (56) Cowley

FC Testiculadew 22 (51) – 12 (53) Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds 19 (42) – 32 (50) AJFC

Burqini 25 (77) – 27 (50) So Good x2

Narcozep Cup semi final first leg fixtures

Cowley v Panda

AJFC v Burqini

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Kenna title race hots up

THE Kenna League title race is hotting up with just five weeks left of the season.

Thieving Magpies edged into FC Testiculadew’s lead to go within six points of the double double winner.

It’s quite a feat considering the ‘Pies have a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang, while FCT have two representatives from the PFA’s team of the season: Kyle Walker and Eden Hazard.

Looking at Hazard’s £2m price tag, it’s a convenient moment to remember the defending champion’s lengthy August rant.

Things aren’t going well for the rest of the PFA team of the season, who are all bungling around in the Kenna League’s mid table.

De Gea – Wandsworth Network Solutions (11th) – £18m

Kyle Walker – FCT (1st) – £10m
Gary Cahill – Sporting Lesbian (10th) – £9m
David Luiz – Cowley Casuals (6th) – £0.5m, first window
Danny Rose – Sporting Lesbian (10th) – £10m

Hazard – FCT (1st) – £2m
Kante – Bala Rinas (9th) – £0.5m, first window
Alli – Northern Monkeys (15th) – £23m
Mane – Piss Poor (21st) – £22m

Kane – Bala Rinas (9th) – £32m
Lukaku – Walthamstow Reds (12th) – £32m

Kenna table week 32

Kenna table week 32 - 18 April 2017
Kenna table week 32 – 18 April 2017

Narcozep Cup quarter final first leg results

ISIL 23 – 35 Cowley

FC Testiculadew 29 – 41 Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds 23 – 18 AJFC

Burqini 52 – 23 So Good x2

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Unravelling in front of his ‘Pies

IT’S been a week to file under ‘a bit of a mare’ for the Thieving Magpies manager.

Flying high on top of the league since 6 December, at times it’s felt like it would be 12th time lucky for one of only three managers to enter every season of the competition.

Pantomime villains lurk around every corner. In the notorious ‘Tactical Brambler‘ the Kenna has a villain made to order and he’s been delivered to knock the ‘Pies from the top of the Kenna League.

The skullduggery does not stop there for Thieving Magpies. The Pirate has knocked them out of the Narcozep Cup.

“It’s a blow, there’s no doubt about that,” said the man who after the cup draw joked on social networking site Twitter he may rest key players for the tie.

The Pirate goes on to face Cowley Casuals in the quarter final first leg this weekend.

The Tactical Brambler kept his hopes of an unprecedented third league and cup double alive by sweeping aside Lokomotiv Leeds.

In what was being touted ‘the Boardroom Derby’, League champions Young Boys, whose manager is vice chairman, were knocked out by the chairman’s XI Adam Johnson Fan Club.

The chairman goes on to face the club of another committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager.

Should AJFC win, the chairman could face yet another executive peer in the semi finals in the form of the Burqini Pool Party manager.

Kenna table week 31

Kenna table week 31 - 11 April 2017
Kenna table week 31 – 11 April 2017

Narcozep Cup – last 16 second leg results

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 58 (77) – Thieving Magpies 53 (74)

Bala Rinas 63 (89) – Cowley Casuals 74 (102)

Lokomotiv Leeds 39 (55) – 83 (110) FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian 40 (57) – Team Panda 43 (66)

Judean Peoples’ Front 31 (58) – Walthamstow Reds 71 (96)

Adam Johnson Fan Club 52 (89) – Young Boys 35 (52)

Dynamo Charlton 36 (56) – Burqini Pool Party 68 (88)

Two Goals One Cup 50 (73) – So Good They Named Him Twice 59 (98)

Quarter final first leg fixtures – this weekend

ISIL v Cowley

FC Testiculadew v Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds v AJFC

Burqini v So Good x2

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Novelty cup draw rumoured

LONDON’S top fantasy football league is planning a novelty cup draw in a snooker hall tomorrow night, it has been rumoured.

Kenna League blazers remained tightlipped about the Narcozep Cup knockout stages draw, but did confirm it is due to be broadcast by Periscope.

Should it go ahead the event will save this season’s Narcozep Cup which is more than two months behind schedule.

If the draw is left unmade for another two weeks it will impossible to fit in two legs for the round of last 16, the quarter finals or the semis.

“All I can confirm is the draw will go ahead tomorrow night. Probably,” said the chairman, who stands accused of putting on a PR stunt to deflect from his shambolic organisational skills.

The first leg of the last 16 will take place this weekend.

It is thought the geographical proximity of the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure and the Wandsworth Network Solutions stadiums to Kenna HQ has played a part in the draw venue.

Narcozep Cup – knockout schedule

The top two teams from each group (pool A) will be drawn against the other teams to qualify (pool B).

Pool A
Walthamstow Reds
FCT
Pies
Bala Rinas
Charlton
So Good
Lesbian
Young Boys

Pool B
ISIL
Leeds
Panda
Burqini
Cowley Casuals
JPF
Adam Johnson
Two Goals

Fixtures
Week 30 – 4 April – Narcozep last 16 first leg

Week 31 – 11 April – Narcozep last 16 second leg

Week 32 – 18 April- Narcozep quarter final first leg

Week 33 – 25 April – Narcozep quarter final second leg

Week 34 – 2 May – Narcozep semi final first leg

Week 35 – 9 May – Narcozep semi final second leg

Week 36 – 16 May

Week 37 – 23 May – Narcozep Cup final

Kenna table week 29

Kenna table week 29 - 21 March 2017
Kenna table week 29 – 21 March 2017
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Barcelona to ignore ‘mouldy chorizo’ Latin managers

A LATINO will not take the vacant manager position at Barcelona because of their miserable Kenna League form, the Camp Nou has confirmed.

Luis Enrique’s announcement he will vacate the Barca position at the end of the season prompted club president Josep Maria Bartomeu to play down rumours another Iberian could get the job.

“You look at how a Catalan is performing this season at the highest level of the game and he’s 300 points adrift at the bottom of the Kenna. The chorizo is mouldy,” said Bartomeu referring to the manager of Just Put Carles.

“But it’s not just this season. You look at managers from Catalonia, from Madrid, even from Asturias like Luis, and they’ve historically underachieved while English managers – Ingles! Dios mio! – have had the better of them,” Bartomeu said in thinly-veiled reference to the time a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola performed better than a real-life Catalan.

Meanwhile, the Kenna League has come under fire for failing to post an update for three weeks.

Flimsy excuses from Kenna HQ ranged between ‘I was at a black tie jolly in Manchester’ to ‘I was at a gender balance conference in Stockholm’.

The chairman stands accused both of failing to get the knockout rounds of the Narcozep Cup organised and of coming up with weak memes to try and placate managers.

“CHAIRMAN OUT,” said the vice chairman.

 

Kenna table week 28

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 28 - 14 March 2017
Kenna week 28 – 14 March 2017

 

Kenna table week 26

Kenna table week 26 - 28 February 2017
Kenna table week 26 – 28 February 2017
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The end of an ignominious Korea

AS soon as liquid was sprayed in his face in departures he knew something was seriously wrong.

Eight months of freedom. Eight months since leaving his position as manager of Real Brexit, his last posting in the so-called ‘world’s greatest London pub-based fantasy football league’.

Now he was sinking to his knees, a wave of nausea sweeping over him.

Contemplating his untimely demise at gate two of Durham Tees Valley Airport.

And when he heard another passenger innocently enquire ‘was that Emanuel Pogatetz dressed like a lass?’ his worst fears were confirmed.

Only one organisation used former professional footballers as assassins: the Kenna League’s manager experiences department.

It could be waking up with the barrel of Michael Ballack’s Mauser thrust into your mouth or Clint Dempsey threatening to extract a tooth with a pair of pliers.

Cross the manager experiences department and the outcome was far from pretty.

It was no fluke they had chosen Pogatetz as the trigger man. While managing Still Don’t Know Yet in his first season he had signed the Austrian for £3.5m in the February transfer window.

The 14th-place finish was nothing to do with it though.

It was the beginning of that season, his first in the Kenna, where he had made an enemy for life.

He realised it now as the darkness intensified and a woman who smelled strongly of Superkings Menthol wheezed ‘you alright, pet?’

He had called the Kenna administration ‘out of touch blazers’.

An enemy for life.

An enemy for death.

From that moment his time was up.

You never really left the Kenna. You went through life thinking you’d left, as he’d done since the summer, but they always caught up with you.

And as his life ebbed away, his head resting on the flabby thighs of a morbidly-obese airport worker, he thought of the strapline on the Durham Tees Valley Airport website.

‘It’s a small world.’

Kenna table week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 - 14 February 2016
Kenna week 24 – 14 February 2016

Kenna table week 25

Kenna week 25 - 21 February 2017
Kenna week 25 – 21 February 2017
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Everyone wants to **** with the Jesus

GABRIEL Jesus will be top of many shopping lists ahead of the final Kenna League transfer window tonight.

The Brazilian striker has made a big impact following his move to England a few weeks ago.

Of the top four teams in the table, only Islington Sports Islam & Leisure can sign Jesus without triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

The managers of Thieving Magpies (Yaya Toure), FC Testiculadew (David Silva) and Sleptember XI (Raheem Sterling) would all have to release a high-value player as a wildcard tonight to bid for the Brazilian.

Peter Crouch and Jay Rodriguez are the other most notable strikers currently without a Kenna club.

League leader ‘Pies released Dimitri Payet ahead of the window, but there are slim pickings in midfield, where Victor Moses looks the most attractive available player.

With only one wildcard permitted, the ‘Pies manager is taking a long hard look at Pedro.

Another Chelsea player, Marcus Alonso, will captivate interest for managers after a defender. Chambers, Ward, Prodl and Rojo lead the ragtag alternatives.

At 20th in the table, the Piss Poor manager is yet to release Adam Johnson.

Fifteen-year-olds, dude.

The available player list and managers’ remaining budget are available from The Rub.

Clubs – players released – remaining budgets

Sleptember XI – none – 32.5

SGTNHT – Terry, Success – 31.5

Burqini – Bill Cosby, Perez – 29.5

Dynamo – Butland, Nolito – 27

Reds – Amat, Shaw, Khazri – 24.5

AJFC – Rodwell, Oscar – 22

ISIL – Iheanacho – 20.5

Leeds – Albrighton – 19

FCT – Boufal – 19

Sporting – no bonus – 17

Bala – Bravo, Ogbonna, Cazorla, Fer – 14

Magpies – Payet – 16

WNS – none – 13.5

JPF – Otamendi, Zouma, Studge, Rooney, Diouf – 11

Young Boys – Bolasie, Pereya, Defour, Diomande – 10

JPC – no bonus – 9.5

Panda – no bonus – 7

Piss – no bonus – 6.5

Scum – no bonus – 4.5

Cowley – no bonus – 4

2G1C – no bonus – 2.5

Monkeys – no bonus – 2

Cheerio – players who moved in January

Thieving Magpies

Payet to France

Young Boys

Patrick van Aanholt from Sunderland to Palace (not Bramble tied)

Dynamo Charlton

Snodgrass from Hull to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Two Goals One Cup

Ivanovic to Russia

Adam Johnson Fan Club

Oscar to China

Fonte from Southampton to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Piss Poor

Berahino from West Brom to Stoke (not Bramble tied)

Kenna table week 22

Narcozep Cup playoff results

Sleptember XI 9 – 19 Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party 19 – 14 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table week 22 - 31 January 2017
Kenna table week 22 – 31 January 2017

Kenna table week 23

Kenna table week 23 - 7 February 2017
Kenna table week 23 – 7 February 2017
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