Shooter: Sporting Lesbian have scored 11 more goals than the next highest club this season
THE CASUAL Kenna manager must be hoping for some kind of Oscar Pistorius turn of fortune to beset Messrs Suarez and Aguero.
The Sporting Lesbian duo are fast leaving the rest of league behind. Chasing managers are wondering why their midnight trip to the John is being interrupted by the sound of a strange padding noise outside their bathroom door.
Chipping in with a paltry two appearance points, Maynor Figueroa was the only other Sporting man to contribute this week, but still the side outperformed all but one other.
No stranger to automatic weapons himself, Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager made his team’s case for a place in Europe as Jose Enrique and Ashley Cole both put in strong showings.
At the bottom Woking slipped even further away from safety. The manager’s competence has already been doubted by the highest authorities. How long until the club has their very own Night of the Short Blades?
Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring
THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.
The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.
Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.
He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”
Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.
“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”
The Vatican are yet to comment.
Cup scores – Last 16 first leg
Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.
The second leg will take place on 26 February.
Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.
Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window
WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.
The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.
Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.
“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”
However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.
Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”
Face off: Emanuel Pogatetz was booked 20 times in 2006
EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.
As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.
Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.
Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”
After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).
As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.
Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague
Free agents – headlines
Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.
For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).
Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.
The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”
These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.
Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).
Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?
Strikers
Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)
Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)
CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.
So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?
Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.
The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.
Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.
No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.
Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points
BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.
Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.
Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.
At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.
Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.
If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.
Step away from the party the popper: Celebrating goals is so 2012
A GARETH BALE goal was not enough to keep Bala Rinas from being dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup.
Four hapless group game defeats left the side without a point, and with his team also struggling in the league the manager, yet to win a trophy in six years in Kenna, is under increasing pressure.
“People are saying that I’ve got no silverware, I can’t bring success to the club and I’ll never know the difference between riding the normal team coach and riding an open-top bus, but of course I knows the difference – one’s got a fcuking roof and one fcuking ‘asn’t,” sing songed the Welshman.
Bala Rinas weren’t the only ones not celebrating this week. Footballers are fashionable creatures, and a new craze has swept through the Kenna: not celebrating goals.
Cup results – 8 January 2013
In Group D, Daniel Sturridge found the net to help Just Put Carles to their first cup win and a chance at the next round, but ‘out of respect’ the England striker did not cheer after scoring against his former club Lokomotiv Leeds.
In the other Group C match there were remarkable scenes at FC Testiculadew’s ground, the Death Star, where no players celebrated any of the eight goals in Sporting Lesbian’s 7-1 destruction of the hosts.
Hairy Fadjeetas, on the end of five-goal thrashing by Headless Chickens, were the only side to have the decency to avoid any awkward embarrassment by not scoring any goals at all.
The final cup game will be played on 29 January, where the top four from each group will go through to the last 16 knockout draw.
Teams below in yellow have already qualified, teams in red are out.
Group A – 8 January 2013Group B – 8 January 2013Group C – 8 January 2013Group D – 8 January 2013
Bearded: The FCT manager’s public image suffered in 2012
DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.
FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.
FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.
Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.
“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.
At the bottom, Bala Rinas climb out of the drop zone thanks to Gareth Bale and Daniel Agger. Wandsworth Window Lickers sink down most likely because their top scorer this week was Gabriel Obertan.
Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.
Pie in the sky: Andy Carroll has pledged to his manager to score more goals
A KNOCK at the door announced the manager’s two o’clock meeting. Brief fumbling at the knob was followed by the entrance of the team’s star striker.
“Hello, Andy. Please take a seat. Have a mince pie,” said the Headless Chickens manager from behind his desk.
The lofty striker approached the chair eyeing the plate of Mr Kipling’s on the desk. Sitting down, he picked up one of the pies, sniffed it gingerly and wolfed it down.
“Andy, I’ve asked you in today to talk about your performances,” said the manager. “Remember at the start of the season…”
“Andy did a goal!” Interrupted the striker, banging his fists on the arm rests, wild excitement in his eyes.
“Yes, back at the start of the season Andy ‘did a goal'” conceded the Chickens manager. “But the problem is that Andy hasn’t scored many goals since then.”
The striker looked at the floor with sorrowful eyes and then meekly up at his manager.
“Well, we’re really here about a serious matter but…oh, alright then, but only because it’s Christmas,” the manager produced a banana from a drawer and threw it at the striker, who greedily unpeeled and ate it. The procedure demeaned them both, but the Chickens target man was always calmed by the yellow fruit and the manager had just had new carpets fitted.
“Now, Andy, remember those days when you first played in the Kenna?” said the manager.
“Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal!” Screamed the striker over and over again, jumping up and down on the chair and beating his fists on his chest.
After congratulating himself for not offering the glass of sherry the season’s custom had supplied his other visitors that day, the manager stood and tried to calm his player down, as always having to fall back on the usual ultimatum: “Look Andy, if you don’t stop this now, you’ll have to stay at Uncle Kevin’s house again!”
The effect was immediate. Andy stopped dry humping the cocktail cabinet and returned to his seat.
“Now Andy, unless you start producing the goods (no, put that away!) I’ve got no alternative than to put you on the transfer list for February’s window, and you know what that means.”
The striker nodded slowly. Everyone knew what it meant but the manager wanted to make his point.
“It means you’ll end up playing for some relegation-doomed outfit like Woking or Vasco De Beauvoir when everyone’s scratching around for players at the end of the transfer night. And do you think the managers there will give you bananas? So, you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals and you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals good.
“Now onto brighter things. It’s the club Christmas party tonight. By the way, what was your last club’s Christmas party like?”
