UTOYA ISLAND XI’s back five rocked the record books by failing to register a single point between them for the whole Olisadebe Euro 2012 tournament.
It is the first time in Kenna history that a team’s goalkeeper and four defenders scored nil points in a competition.
The defensive shower of Shay Given, Per Mertesacker, Andrea Ranocchia, Marcus Antonsson and Dejan Lovren either put in an awful shift or didn’t even go to Poland or Ukraine due to form or injury.
“Obviously some of my targets didn’t come off,” said the Utoya manager, whose strike force of Ronaldo and Lovenkrands were named the most mediocre of the contest.
Don’t Know Yet, whose manager was making his debut, had the surprise top strike force of Fernando Torres and Titus Bramble player Georgios Samaras.
Best – Samaras and Torres (Don’t Know Yet): 39 points Worst – Ben Arfa and Kuyt (Bwing on the Euwos): 5 points Most mediocre – Ronaldo and Lovenkrands (Utoya Island XI): 24 points (average: 24.21)
Midfield
Best – Xavi, Pirlo, Gerrard and Veloso (Every Pole’s a Goal): 72 points Worst – Lampard, Robben, Malouda and Pranjic (Don’t Know Yet): 17 points Most mediocre – Tziolis, The Ox, Ozil and Konoplyanka (Testiculadewland): 45 points (average: 43.28)
Defence
Best – Cech, Alba, Terry, Alves and K Papadopoulos (The Eurosceptics): 85 points Worst – Given, Mertesacker, Ranocchia, Antonsson and Lovren (Utoya Island XI): 0 (zero) points Most mediocre – dead heat between Kranjar, Silva, Rosicky and Husyev (Hoodyanika Bolokov), and, de Jong, Khedira, Busquets and Erikson (The Horn of Africa): 45 poins each (average 42.71)
TESTICULADEWLAND have lost their appeal to replace Alexandros Tziolis with another player ahead of the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros, which start this Friday.
Tziolis has been confirmed as definitely going to not be going to the tournament in Poland and Ukraine after a public vote found 66 per cent in favour that ‘T-land’ should keep the player.
The T-land boss believes the appeal’s failure was not due to ‘footballing reasons’, and slammed rival managers as the team gathered at Victoria coach station ahead of travelling to Eastern Europe.
“I’m naturally dissapointed, but will stand by the decision, although I’m concerned that it hasn’t been made for footballing reasons.
“Testiculadewland wish to emphasise again their apology for any misunderstanding. Tactical brambling is culturally-acceptable in the land of testicles.
“Criticism from Euro Euro Bunga Tour is unfair: this is the same fella that brambled on Neil Lennon. I’m really sorry for what happened and for the disappointment I’ve caused the Kenna, and particularly to the Chairman, whom I respect and whom I love.”
Kenna HQ claim the main reason the appeal had lost was due to managers wanting to stamp out chances of ‘tactical Brambling’ affecting future auctions.
“We’re making excellent progress establishing a Kenna Ethics Committe. FIFA have a similar mechanism, and they’re the model of integrity,” said the Chairman, from Jack Warner’s Caribbean yacht.
Pantomime villain: FCT manager fingered at auction
THE MAN at the centre of an illegal bidding scandal that rocked the Kenna this week has claimed he had been ‘naive’.
At Tuesday night’s Emmanuel Olisadebe auction ahead of the tournament in Poland and Ukraine, the FC Testiculadewland manager was discovered to be deliberately trying to buy a second French player, Karim Benzema.
Under auction rules, the FCT manager would invoke the Titus Bramble Ruling – forfeiting Franck Ribery, the most expensive of his two Frenchmen.
It is thought the manager was attempting to free up funds late in the auction.
The practice, which has come to be known as ‘tactical Brambling’, caused outrage among fellow managers, who traditionally view the forfeit procedure as a punitive measure.
In a leaked email to Kenna HQ, the FCT manager said: “I was a bit naive, I honestly thought it’d be an acceptable thing to do at the time.
It was only my second auction and I’d seen Brambles flying here, there and everywhere. I thought if you were willing to take the Bramble then people would be okay with it.”
The former Wimbledon striker claimed he’d been ‘naive’ when tickets he’d given to a friend ended up being used in a ambush marketing stunt at the group match between Denmark and Holland.
As a result, Earle lost his job at ITV Sport. The fate of the FCT manager hangs in the balance.
The Bramble player in his team for the forfeit Ribery, Alexandros Tziolis, has been cut from the Greek squad due to ample defensive-midfield cover.
Vote now!
“We’ve received an appeal from FC Testiculadew to replace the bubble and squeak. We’ve decided to put it to a vote. Managers are invited to choose what the fate of FCT should be,” read an official league statement.
Managers can vote below. The results will be confidential until they are revealed on Wednesday (6 June).
AN ETHICS committee is to be formed at Kenna HQ after last night’s controversial Olisadebe auction.
Two incidents of note relating to the Titus Bramble Ruling, where a manager forfeits an illegal player, caused heated confrontation, with the Horn of Africa manger threatening to resign halfway through proceedings.
Later in the evening, the FC Testiculadewland boss was found to be engaged in ‘tactical Brambling’ – knowingly attempting to buy an illegal player to free up funds from the one he would forfeit.
Despite working for on the case for almost 24 hours, Scotland Yard are still scratching their heads as to just where the spirit of Kenna has disappeared.
“Two incidents of note at the auction betrayed some truly unfit conduct from managers. The Kenna has always been a place of genteel manners and this type of histrionic or devious behaviour will not be tolerated,” said the Chairman in an official league statement.
“We will form a Kenna Ethics Committee to establish a managers’ code of conduct. We’re also looking to develop a ‘fit and proper persons test’, although looking around the table last night we shouldn’t make it too difficult,” continued the Chairman, who definitely didn’t fall asleep on the bus home and wake up in Enfield.
Full teams will be published soon.
Bunch of twits
Top tweet: Despite almost walking out over it, The Horn of Africa loses Robben on a Bramble
Broadcasting the auction live on Twitter, the Kenna gained a grand total of two new followers.
“Controversy aside, we think the rest of the auction went rather well,” said the Chairman.
“Although interaction with the online community was limited, the tweets do provide an excellent chronicle of the evening.”
Live broadcasting the summer auction is to be decided pending review.
All aboard the special bus: Titus Bramble XV named
STEWART Downing, Andy Carroll and Gareth Barry have all been earmarked as amongst the most average players taking part in the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.
The three Englishmen join 12 others from across the continent to make up the Titus Bramble XV (full line up below).
“We’re delighted to announce the Titus Bramble XV for the auction, including, for the first time ever, two honourary VIP selections from the host nations. These fifteen players will replace anyone forfeit tomorrow night,” said the Chairman, before being escorted into a waiting car by sharp-suited, severe-looking men from the Vatican.
Titus Bramble XV
Goalkeeper
Grzegorsz Sandomierski (Pol) – Will have an excellent view of proceedings from the bench.
Defenders
Behrang Safari (Swe) – A good defender relies on clean sheets and clean sheets are built upon team unity. With 22 men playing for the democratic monarchy of Sweden and one for the evil, Slavic autocracy of Emperor Zlatan, goal-shy Safari must surely be a wildcard at best.
Simon Kjaer (Den) – Recently named one of the worst signings in Serie A this season who ‘has consistently been tortured by quick attackers’, the Dane can only struggle against the speed and precision of German and Dutch forward play.
Per Mertesacker (Ger) – Surprising inclusion in a slick Teuton outfit considering his lumbering form and recent injury at club level.
Rolando (Por) – The poor man’s Ronaldo.
Midfielders
Nigel De Jong (Hol) – Nicknamed ‘The Lawnmower’ for his combative style of play, there’s more chance of De Jong being able to repair a Briggs & Stratton engine during a match than avoiding the book or finding his way onto the score sheet.
Alexandros Tziolis (Gre) – From Tziolis’ agent wikipedia: “He plays a ‘silent’ role in the game, and he tends to occupy the role of a deep-lying playmaker more than a defensive stopper. His crisp passing and physical strength are also positive aspects of his game.” The content of this summary is as doubtful as its syntax.
Keith Andrews (Ire) – Tournament highlights: booked against Croatia scything down Modric, booked against Spain upending Andres Iniesta, misses Italy game.
Stewart Downing (Eng) – No goals, no assists and spent most of the league season looking like a timid schoolboy on the ball, must be quaking at the prospect of playing in the bread basket of Soviet terror.
Strikers
Andriy Voronin (Ukr) – On average, the Steppe’s answer to Tarzan scores a goal every 10 games for his country. Even if an unlikely Ukraine get to the final, he’s left with just over half a chance of netting one.
Andy Carroll (Eng) – striker – played really well for the last three games of the domestic campaign, but for the rest of the season has shown less talent than a Tuesday afternoon in Gateshead Weatherspoon’s.
Gareth Barry (Eng) – midfielder – Against a similar standard of opposition, but without the likes of David Silva and Yaya Touré a short pass away, Barry is in for another tournament ride bumpier than Fred West’s patio. Will be replaced by Jordan Henderson if injured.
Honourary host nation representatives
Yulia Tymoshenko (Ukr) – Libera – The ‘Gas Princess’ may score as many goals as Bobby Sands this summer, but in international terms the PR value she brings to any outfit is welcome to Olisadebe managers who tend to lurch from one media disaster to another. At 51 still has the looks to alleviate the inevitable curse of squad boredom.
Pope Jean Paul II (Pol) – Goalkeeper – A regular between the sticks for his school and university sides, the former pontiff is the reason why there are so many top-level, Polish ‘keepers around. Spiritual contribution cannot be overlooked.
