Kenna commits to be net Bramble zero by 2050

THE world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league has pledged to eliminate Brambling by 2050.

The Kenna League plans to gradually reduce the number of times the Titus Bramble forfeit process is triggered at auctions and transfer windows over the next three decades, but many commentators believe the Kenna HQ leadership has bigger concerns.

‘Brambling is the number one threat to our society,’ said the Kenna chairman arriving at COP26 by private jet with a Red Arrows flypast.

While many Kenna League managers haven’t Brambled in years, one point politicians and activists in Glasgow can agree on is there are outliers who threaten the net Bramble zero 2050 target.

‘The Pirate shows up to every auction saying he’ll play with a straight bat before losing Alvaro Morata on a Bramble and Alexis Sanchez to a Bramble buyout clause. It’s just ‘blah blah blah’,’ said a Swedish protestor outside the conference.

There is considerable apprehension a major power with an opaque, paranoia-inducing regime has the potential to undermine the net zero commitment, but the Dark Lord claims his days of tactical Brambling are truly behind him.

Proposals to reduce Brambling in the Kenna by managers going substance abuse neutral by 2030 were laughed out of COP26 so hard several world leaders woke up.

Kenna League week 10

Kenna week 10 - 6 November 2021
Kenna week 10 – 6 November 2021
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Necrophiliac David Fuller admits assaulting ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes

A hospital worker who assaulted dozens of female corpses over a number of years also interfered with ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes.

David Fuller, 67, assaulted several doomed title challenges in the world’s leading fantasy football league over several seasons, Maidstone Crown Court heard.

Police who raided Fuller’s home found indecent images and videos of the hospital electrician abusing the PSV Mornington’s title hopes in May 2014, six months after the manager was sacked, and the Pirates’ title hopes in 2015 and 2020, in both those seasons the team finished last.

“Evidence shows he had particular interest in the assault of dead fantasy football title challenges,” prosecutor Duncan Atkinson QC said. 

“There were both photographs and videos which showed the defendant sexually abusing female corpses in the mortuaries of the two hospitals at which he worked, first the Kent and Sussex Hospital, where he worked full time from 1989, and then the Tunbridge Wells Hospital, to which he moved in 2010.

“The images and videos can be dated to a period that included his employment at both hospitals, and they show the defendant performing acts of sexual penetration on females of significantly varying ages. And some Kenna teams’ title hopes.”

David Fuller is set to be a priority Bramble player at the Kenna February transfer window.

The trail continues.

Kenna League week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 2 November 2021
Kenna week 9 – 2 November 2021

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 26 October 2021
Kenna week 8 – 26 October 2021
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Inside the chairman’s Kenna HQ

The old habits of secrecy haven’t left Kim Kuk-song.

It has taken weeks of discussions to get an interview with him, and he’s still worried about who might be listening. He wears dark glasses for the camera, and only two of our team know what we think is his real name.

Mr Kim spent 30 years working his way to the top ranks of Kenna League manager experiences department. The agency is the “eyes, ears, and brains of the Kenna chairman”, he says.

He claims he kept their secrets, sent former footballers to intimidate Kenna managers, and even built an illegal drugs-lab to stock the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

Now, the former senior colonel has decided to tell his story to the BBC. It’s the first time such a senior executive from Kenna HQ has given an interview to a major broadcaster.

Mr Kim was the “Kennaist of the Kenna”, he says in an exclusive interview. A loyal manager experiences servant.

But rank and loyalty do not guarantee your safety in Kenna HQ.

Cheerfully stolen from the BBC.

Kenna League week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 7 - 5 October 2021
Kenna week 7 – 5 October 2021
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Cream top in spite of makeweight Kane

Clotted Cream First have topped the Kenna League for the first six weeks of the season despite carrying an out-of-sorts Harry Kane.

The England captain is the lowest points scorer in the Cream starting eleven with seven points, having returned just three starts and a substitute appearance.

The Cream boss will be happy to have paid just £7m for the striker after bidding to take part in a high stakes game of ‘The Harry Kane Challenge’, where two managers go head to head naming the starting 22 players of a certain match.

While Kane flounders, Cream have found form all over the team.

Edouard Mendy (£0.5m) is top scoring with 32 points, following by Bruno Fernandes (£22m) with 30, Raphinha (£28m) with 28, Youri Tielemens (£9m) with 27, and Tyrone Mings (£0.5m) with 25.

‘Even Ben Mee bring me more points than ‘Arry,’ said the Devonian manager of Clotted Cream First.

Kenna League week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 6 - 28 September 2021
Kenna week 6 – 28 September 2021

Kenna League week 5

Kenna week 5 - 21 September 2021
Kenna week 5 – 21 September 2021
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Vice chairman returns from exile

The Kenna League vice chairman has returned to the UK from nine months of political exile.

The second-in-command of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league was banished to Africa for fomenting dissent at Kenna HQ to undermine the chairman.

Upon seeing the vice chairman back on English soil at the weekend, followers of his social media feeds were surprised to see him not in a pool, on a mountain or beach, or within high-calibre rifle range of one of the Big Five.

‘His ratty manbun was a bit of shock too, but probably not as much as a shock as the vice chairman got when he saw the autofill had put Benjamin Mendy in his Young Boys team,’ quipped a source at Kenna HQ.

While the vice chairman’s return to England underwhelmed, Cristiano Ronaldo announced himself with typical aplomb.

The three owners of Anthony Martial, Edison Cavani, and Marcus Rashford were left to rue those signings, as the Portuguese made a mockery of auction planning.

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 4 - 14 September 2021
Kenna week 4 – 14 September 2021

Kenna League week 3

Kenna week 3 - 7 September 2021
Kenna week 3 – 7 September 2021
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The Goal-Shy Badger

As the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league, it was with considerable interest the powers that be at the Kenna HQ discovered a podcast about the perfect pub.

The Moon Under Water is hosted by two pub enthusiasts who invite a guest each episode to describe what drinks and atmosphere their fantasy boozer would boast.

Founded in 2005 in The Old Bank of England, and since then popping up in pubs all over central London, for the Kenna pondering the perfect pub proved too much to resist.

Here are the features of the Kenna HQ local in the podcast’s template. It’s just over the road from Jeff House and ideal for swift lunchtime tipple or drinks after work.

Layout and decor
The interior of the wood-panelled pub is split into two parts. The main bar, known as the Titus Bramble Lounge, is the pub’s beating heart. There’s plenty of light from large windows at front and side, but no one can see in through the smoked glass. There are a couple of stools at the bar that be used at quieter times. There’s enough room to host at least 20 for the Kenna auction if it’s too cold to hold it in the beer garden.

Out back is the public bar. The chalk stripes from the Kenna HQ speculations department can regularly be found in here bantering around the pool table on a weekday afternoon.

As the evening wears on, every hour the lights are imperceptibly dimmed a little so by midnight there’s a conspiratorial atmosphere.

Two drinks on draft
There needs to be an option between four and five per cent for session and one between five and six per cent for heavier drinking. Pilsner Urquell exactly as it’s sold in Lokal in Prague is the session beer, served in a handled glass and slipping down like milk

Cheltenham brewery Deya has the stronger option covered with their blockbuster pale ale Steady Rolling Man.

Two bottles
Henri De Blainville is a small wine cooperative in the Charentes-Maritime region. Their merlot vin de pays is delicious and can be consumed in large quantities with no impact on the experience. All at a very reasonable price point of around four euros a bottle.

Jimmy White once rented a penthouse hotel suite and had a case of Dom Perignon delivered every day for 17 days. The Kenna chairman once tried Dom while interloping at the National Chef of the Year semi finals. It’s incredible.

Two spirits
Rum is crucial. Something golden from the Caribe. Mount Gay.

Fernet Branca isn’t popular in the UK and it’s a crying shame. It is a fantastic drink which can be served in any situation and immediately makes one feel better.

Wildcard pick
Bloody Mary. None of this jamming it full of vegetables and seasoning. Just a dash of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce added to Polish Soplica vodka and tomato juice. Superb after breakfast time or a heavy night.

Album playing
Kool & The Gang’s Greatest Hits. Floor-filling songs galore. Patrons aren’t afraid to break into dance late in the evening.

What’s barred?
For the Kenna there’s only one cardinal sin, Tactical Brambling. For the uninitiated, this is the pernicious act of triggering the Titus Bramble player forfeit process on purpose late in the auction to free up funds and give yourself an advantage.

The Goal-Shy Badger. The sign features a badger kneeling in front of goal, his black and white face in his hands in despair as the ball slices over the bar. Jorge Campos is leaning against the post with his arms folded.

Kenna League week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 2 - 24 August 2021
Kenna week 2 – 24 August 2021
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Like ordering a G&T in Kabul Airport

Once upon a time in a land before going to the supermarket was a necessity rather than the only way to jazz up a Saturday night, turning up to the Kenna auction in person was the only surefire way to challenge for the title.

Managers would walk over broken pint glass (deep into the working week the streets of London were paved with it ) to get the pub and give themselves the chance of assembling a strong team.

Submit silent bids and leave your side to the autofill? You’d be waiting longer for Kenna glory than you would your G&T order in Kabul Airport departure lounge.

Those reckless days of sitting next to other people in public places and sharing bags of crisps in lieu of dinner may almost be back, but after one week of the Kenna season the competitive advantage of showing up may be a thing of the past

Just six managers tipped up in Marylebone for the auction earlier this month.

They couldn’t believe their luck when unchallenged they picked up the kind of players they would have to wait six hours and a Pirate Bramble to sign.

But the Sword of Damocles hung over them in the shape of the autofill.

Granted a small data set, but when the table is translated into a manager’s mode of auction below, some of those who made the trip to the boozer will struggle.

  1. Pub
  2. Autofill
  3. Silent bids
  4. Pub
  5. Pub
  6. Silent bids
  7. Pub
  8. Silent bids
  9. Silent bids
  10. Silent bids
  11. Autofill
  12. Silent bids
  13. Silent bids
  14. Pub
  15. Pub
  16. Silent bids
  17. Autofill
  18. Silent bids
  19. Autofill
  20. Silent bids

Kenna League week 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 1 - 17 August 2021
Kenna week 1 – 17 August 2021
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Bala Rinas 2021/22

The Bala Rinas manager

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Trophy cabinet
2020/21 Champions

2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd
2016/17 – 9th
2017/18 – 19th
2018/19 – 4th
2019/20 – 5th
2020/21 – 1st (champions)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Auction XI

Auction attendance: in the pub / absent, silent bidder / absent, complete autofill

GKDean HendersonMUN£                   0.50
DEFMarcos AlonsoCHE£                   0.50
DEFJonny EvansLEI£                   0.50
DEFCédric SoaresARS£                   0.50
DEFEzri KonsaAVA£                   0.50
MIDBernardo SilvaMCI£                   0.50
MIDLeandro TrossardBHA£                   0.50
MIDDele AlliTOT£                   0.50
MIDThiagoLIV£                   0.50
STRMichail AntonioWHU£                13.00
STRJimmy SavlieBRA£                12.00
  £                29.50
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Somertown Reds 2021/22

Ted Hankey
The Walthamstow Reds manager

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2018/19, Krakow Cup 2018

2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th
2015/16 – 2nd
2016/17 – 11th
2017/18 – 6th
2018/19 – 1st
2019/20 – 18th
2020/21 – 13th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Auction XI

Auction attendance: in the pub / absent, silent bidder / absent, complete autofill

GKHugo LlorisTOT£                   0.50
DEFAndrew RobertsonLIV£                24.00
DEFBen GodfreyEVE£                   0.50
DEFCésar AzpilicuetaCHE£                   0.50
DEFJoão CanceloMCI£                   0.50
MIDHarvey BarnesLEI£                14.00
MIDDwight McNeilBUR£                10.00
MIDNicolas PépéARS£                   5.00
MIDRúben NevesWOL£                   0.50
STRDanny IngsAVA£                30.00
STRChristian BentekeCRY£                   0.50
  £                86.00
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Lokomotiv Leeds 2021/22

Gael Clichy
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th
2017/18 – 4th
2018/19 – 17th
2019/20 – 7th
2020/21 – 16th

Sympathies: Leeds

Auction XI

Auction attendance: in the pub / absent, silent bidder / absent, complete autofill

GKIllan MeslierLEE£                   0.50
DEFPatrick van AanholtCRY£                   0.50
DEFJoel MatipLIV£                   0.50
DEFRob HoldingARS£                   0.50
DEFJoël VeltmanBHA£                   0.50
MIDKai HavertzCHE£                23.00
MIDRodriMCI£                   0.50
MIDSteven BergwijnTOT£                   0.50
MIDAllan Saint-MaximinNEW£                   0.50
STRKelechi IheanachoLEI£                21.00
STRAnthony MartialMUN£                   0.50
  £                48.50
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