Scepticism best group stage approach

Pant Bank Disciplinary: Nicholas Bendtner referred by UEFA

EVEN BEFORE last night’s goal from Anotnio Cassano, the Eurosceptics were enjoying the Euro 2012 group stages.

Lukas Podolski, Yohan Cabeye and Rafael van der Vaart have all found the net to send the team top of the Olisadebe.

Three Mario Gomez goals and one from Theo Walcott have Chernobyl Forlov a close second.

But attack isn’t everything. Despite Alan Dzagoev’s treble, Ronaldo’s double and one from Samir Nasri, Utoya Island XI are bottom of the table.

The team’s back five have a combined total of -1. With Dzagoev out of the competition,the manager’s hunt for his first silverware looks set to continue.

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 77 3
2 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 73 4
3 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 67 1
4  Bwing on the Euwos Denney 65 4
5 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 63 2
6  Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 62 3
7  Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 62 1
8  Testiculadewland James Norris 62 1
9  The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 59 3
10 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 59 1
11 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 57 2
12 Make Party Six 56 2
13  Just Femen Claire Forysth 56 2
14 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 48 6
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Swedish dismay at Olisadebe visit

SWEDISH doormen were made to earn their crust last night as the Chairman’s party descended on their capital city.

Despite their impeccable manners, the prospect of two Englishmen wearing faux football shirts and pub crawl faces was too much for Stockholm: the delegation was ejected from three establishments and refused entry to many more.

In one particularly farcical incident, the pair were asked to leave a premises after a random Finn drained his glass, smashed it on the floor and went out for a cigarette.

“Sweden has a very liberal reputation, but in this case it was ill deserved. We faced discrimination at its basest level and were forced to watch each of the five goals in different bars,” said the Chairman this morning, while fighting a bitter war of attrition with a headache.

It was points o’clock in the Olisadebe as seven different players found the net yesterday, including Horn of Africa’s Andy Carroll.

“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Somali manager.

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Knicker-less Bendtner to change pants after Euro 2012 ambush probe

NICHOLAS Bendtner will be glad his mum packed a spare pair of underwear after an ambush marketing stunt at yesterday’s Euro 2012 match in Lviv.

The Everybody Gdansk Now striker may have bagged a brace to send his team top of the Olisadebe, but tournament organisers have said pants to displaying Paddy Power branding during his goal celebration.

In this morning’s press conference the Everybody Gdansk Now manager said: “As far as I’m concerned Nicholas can advertise Irish bookies, Eastern European h00kers and Bolivian marching powder in the middle of his face if he keeps this up.

“It’s still early days, but I’m hoping the fans will be Gdansking in the streets if we manage to bring home the trophy.”

Bendtner’s second-choice smalls are unknown. Official Euro 2012 sponsors Canon are reported to be lining up a bid.

Olisadebe table 14Jun12
Olisadebe table 14 June 2012
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‘Dire’: Critical remarks for Olisadebe

BWING ON the Euwos were announced as early leaders of the Olisadebe after an accent scandal rocked the competition.

Two goals from Mario Mandžukić and one from Kuba Błaszczykowski sent the heavily foreign-charactered outfit into first place.

Organisers had originally announced Make Party on top, but a blunder with diacritical marks on players names meant scores had not updated properly.

Cesc Fàbregas, Thomas Müller, Fabio Contrão, Franck Ribèry and Kim Källström were among others under awarded points.

“Weally weally enwaged by the scowing on the fwist table. Feel discwiminated against. This is diwe,” said the Bwing on the Euwos boss in a press conference as his players Mario Götze and Dįrk Kūŷt prepared to warm the bench in tonight’s titanic clash.

The individual top points scorer so far is Utoya Island XI’s Alan Dzagoev (18).

Olisadebe standings - 4pm 13Jun12
Olisadebe standings – 4pm 13Jun12
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Euro 2012 crackdown on racism banana skin

Bananas
Going bananas: human rights groups claim the crop is as bad as that of opium in Afghanistan or cocoa in South America

AUTHORITIES have taken a drastic step against racism at Euro 2012, by closing down every green grocers within a 30-mile radius of host venues.

Polish and Ukrainian police forces made a coordinated swoop from the Baltic coast to the Black Sea in an attempt to remove the threat of bananas being thrown at black players during the tournament.

As part of the operation, thousands of fruit and veg venders were arrested on suspicion of inciting racial hatred.

With the spectre of racism hanging over the competition, European football’s governing body welcomed the move.

“It’s good to see authorities have eradicated the opportunity for these dealers of hate to profiteer from the tournament, especially when they haven’t given us a penny of corporate sponsorship,” read a UEFA statement.

Despite ensuring revenue for Euro 2012 organisers, the arrests have increased concerns that driving exotic fruit underground will create a black market.

A Polish green grocer who escaped the purge and wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals said: “I’m just doing the best for my family. Locally-grown apples and strawberries keep me above the poverty line but imported fruit like bananas turn a far superior profit.

“If 20 men with shaved heads come into my shop and buy enough bananas for me to send my children to university, what am I supposed to do?”

Ukrainian women’s rights group FEMEN, fierce critics of the anticipated boost to prostitution Euro 2012 will bring to the country, joined the debate by getting their melons out.

Make Party celebrate Olisadebe lead

Standings after matchday 1
Standings after matchday 1

TWO GOALS from Andriy Shevchenko saw Make Party take the initiative in the opening round of fixtures.

“People they talk we no have chance but I good motivate for team. I also do plumb,” said the Make Party manager.

Everybody Gdansk Now are a close second, not down to any particular individual performance but because they were the only team in which all 11 players picked up appearance points.

Testiculadewland, whose preparations for the tournament were mired in controversy, struggled to make an impact as goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny sent off in the opening match.

Points are taken from matches up to and including Greece v Czech Republic on 12 June 2012.

The top individual points scorer so far is Vaclav Pilar with 14 (unsigned).

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Euro 2012 country guides – Group D

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

England

Hart, J GK Hoodyanika Bolokov £14m
Jones, P DF Just Put Warsaw £5m
Johnson, G DF Everybody Gdansk Now £7m
Cole, A DF Bwing on the Euwos £14m
Terry, J DF The Eurosceptics £11m
Young, A MF Utoya Island XI £26m
Downing, S (TB) MF Make Party £0.5m
Gerard, S MF Every Pole’s a Goal £20m
Walcott, T MF Chernobyl Forlov £5m
The Ox MF Testsiculadewland £0.5m
Carroll, A ST The Horn of Africa £12m

France

Lloris, H GK Every Pole’s a Goal £12m
Reveillere, A DF Make Party £0.5m
Rami, A DF Chernobyl Forlov £7m
Mexes, P DF Just Put Warsaw £8.5m
Evra, P DF Just FEMEN £9m
Ribery, F MF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £21m
Debuchy, M MF Everybody Gdansk Now £0.5m
Nasri, S MF Utoya Island XI £16m
Malouda, F MF Don’t Know Yet £5m
Cabeye, Y MF The Eurosceptics £0.5m
Remy, L ST Hoodyanika Bolokov £0.5m
Ben Arfa, H ST Bwing on the Euwos £0.5m
Benzema, K ST Testsiculadewland £17m

Sweden

Safari, B DF Chernobyl Forlov £0.5m
Mellberg, O DF Everybody Gdansk Now £12m
Olsson, M DF The Horn of Africa £7.5m
Antonsson, M DF Utoya Island XI £0.5m
Larsson, S MF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £8.5m
Elm , R MF Bwing on the Euwos £0.5m
I, Zlatan ST Testsiculadewland £20m
Elmander, J ST Just FEMEN £7m

Ukraine

Pyatov, A GK Don’t Know Yet £1m
Kucher, O DF Every Pole’s a Goal £0.5m
Husyev, O MF Hoodyanika Bolokov £0.5m
Konoplyanka, Y MF Testsiculadewland £0.5m
Shevchenko, A ST Make Party £5m

Group A

Group B

Group C

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Euro 2012 country guides – Group C

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

Spain

Casillas, I GK Everybody Gdansk Now £18m
Arbeloa, A DF Just Put Warsaw £11m
Pique, G DF Testiculadewland £25m
Ramos, S DF Bwing on the Euwos £20m
Alba, J DF The Eurosceptics £20
Silva, D MF Hoodyanika Bolokov £5.5m
Hernandez, X MF Every Pole’s a Goal £20m
Mata, J MF Chernobyl Forlov £.05m
Iniesta, A MF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £29m
Busquets, S MF The Horn of Africa £18m
Alonso, X MF Utoya Island XI £3m
Fabregas, C MF Just FEMEN £10m
Torres, F ST Don’t Know Yet £21m

Italy

Buffon, G GK Bwing on the Euwos £19m
De Sanctis, M GK Just Put Warsaw £0.5m
Barzagli, A DF Hoodyanika Bolokov £0.5m
Chiellini, G DF Chernobyl Forlov £12m
Bonucci, L DF Testiculadewland £6.5m
Ranocchia, A DF Utoya Island XI £0.5m
Maggio, C MF Make Party £15m
Pirlo, A MF Every Pole’s a Goal £8.5m
De Rossi, D MF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £8m
Cassano, A ST The Eurosceptics £7m
Di Natale ST The Horn of Africa £7.5m
Balotelli, M ST Just FEMEN £19m

Croatia

Pletikosa, S GK Chernobyl Forlov £0.5m
Corluka, V DF Make Party £1.5m
Simunic, J DF Every Pole’s a Goal £0.5m
Pranjic, D MF Don’t Know Yet £13m
Kranjcar, N MF Hoodyanika Bolokov £2m
Srna, D MF Everybody Gdansk Now £7m
Mandzukic, N MF Bwing on the Euwos £14m
Modric, L MF Just FEMEN £10m
Jelavic, N ST Just Put Warsaw £21m
Eduardo ST Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £0.5m

Republic of Ireland

Given, S GK Utoya Island XI £3.5m
Dunne, R DF Hoodyanika Bolokov £0.5m
O’Shea, J DF Just FEMEN £4m
Hunt, S MF Chernobyl Forlov £0.5m
Duff, D MF Just Put Warsaw £4m
McGeady, A MF The Eurosceptics £4.5m
Keane, R ST Make Party £0.5m

Group A

Group B

Group D

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Euro 2012 country guides – Group B

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

Netherlands

Stekelenburg, M GK Just FEMEN £13m
Heitinga, J DF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £8.5m
Mathijsen, J DF Testiculadewland £0.5m
van der Wiel, G DF Every Pole’s a Goal £15m
de Jong, N MF The Horn of Africa £0.5m
van der Vaart, R MF The Eurosceptics £7m
Sneijder, W MF Make Party £30m
Robben, A MF Don’t Know Yet £33m
van Bommel, M MF Just Put Warsaw £4.5m
van Persie, R ST Hoodyanika Bolokov £38m
Huntelaar, KJ ST Cherbnobyl Forlov £22m
Kuyt, D ST Bwing on the Euwos £8m

Germany

Neuer, M GK Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £15m
Mertesacker, P DF Utoya Island XI £0.5m
Boateng, J DF Make Party £0.5m
Lahm, P DF Hoodyanika Bolokov £11m
Badstuber, H DF Don’t Know Yet £9m
Hummels, M DF Everybody Gdansk Now £18m
Schweinsteiger, B MF Just FEMEN £17m
Khedira, S MF The Horn of Africa £13m
Gotze, M MF Bwing on the Euwos £0.5m
Ozil, M MF Testiculadewland £11m
Klose, M ST Every Pole’s a Goal £15m
Gomez, M ST Chernobyl Forlov £32m
Muller, T ST Just Put Warsaw £8m
Podolski, L ST The Eurosceptics £7m

Denmark

Jacobson, L DF Don’t Know Yet £0.5m
Agger, D DF Just FEMEN £3m
Eriksen, C MF The Horn of Africa £12m
Lovenkrands, P ST Utoya Island XI £0.5m
Bendtner, N ST Everybody Gdansk Now £10m

Portugal

Pepe DF The Horn of Africa £5m
Rolando DF Don’t Know Yet £0.5m
Alves, B DF The Eurosceptics £5m
Contrao, F DF Testiculadewland £2.5m
Miereles, R MF Everybody Gdansk Now £4.5m
Moutinho, J MF Just Put Warsaw £11m
Veloso, M MF Every Pole’s a Goal £0.5m
Quaresma, R MF Just FEMEN £4m
Nani MF Make Party £15m
Ronaldo, C ST Utoya Island XI £28m
Postiga, H ST Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £7.5m

Group A

Group C

Group D

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Euro 2012 country guides – Group A

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

Poland

Szczesney, W GK Testiculadewland £0.5m
Wasilewski, M DF Make Party £0.5m
Wawrzyniak, J DF Every Pole’s a Goal £0.5m
Wojtkowiak, G DF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £0.5m
Piszczek, L DF The Horn of Africa £16m
Obraniak, L MF Chernobyl Forlov £0.5m
Blaszczykowski, J MF Bwing on the Euwos £3m
Lewandowski, R ST Everybody Gdansk Now £13m

Russia

Akinfeev, I GK Make Party £8.5m
Ignashevich, S DF Hoodyanika Bolokov £7.5m
Berezutski, A DF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £0.5m
Shiskin, R DF The Horn of Africa £4m
Anyukov, A DF Bwing on the Euwos £10m
Asharvin, A ST Every Pole’s a Goal £0.5m
Dzagoev, A MF Utoya Island XI £14m

Greece

Sifakis, M GK The Horn of Africa £0.5m
Torrissidis, V DF Chernobyl Forlov £0.5m
Papadopoulos, K DF The Eurosceptics £9m
Katsouranis, K MF Just Put Warsaw £3m
Ninis, S MF Everybody Gdansk Now £2m
Samaras, G (TB) ST Don’t Know Yet £0.5m

Czech Republic

Cech, P GK The Eurosceptics £12m
Sivok, T DF Just FEMEN £3.5m
Kadlec, M DF Bwing on the Euwos £10m
Hubnik, R DF Everybody Gdansk Now £8m
Gebreselassie, T DF Just Put Warsaw £5.5m
Rosicky, T MF Hoodyanika Bolokov £7.5m

Group B

Group C

Group D

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Make Party

Manager: Stix

Nationality: England

Domestic club side: Vasco De Beauvoir

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: Winner (out of 15)
  • John Jensen 2008 Euros: 5th (out of eight)
  • Claudio Caniggia 2006 World Cup: Last (out of eight)

4-4-2

(‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling)

Akinfeev, I Russia £8.5m
Boateng, J Germany £0.5m
Corluka, V Croatia £1.5m
Wasilewski, M Poland £0.5m
Réveillère, A France £0.5m
Nani Portugal £15m
Downing, S (TB) England £0.5m
Maggio, C Italy £15m
Sneijder, W Holland £30m
Keane, R Rep of Ireland £5m
Shevchenko, A Ukraine £5m
Total £82m
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