Psychic owl to pick hoot Euro 2012 results

Click here to watch Barney the Psychic Owl make a prediction
Hoot will win: Watch Barney the Psychic Owl make a prediction

A CLAIRVOYANT owl that will pick the results of Euro 2012 football matches has been unveiled today in London.

Barney the Psychic Owl will predict the winners of games every tournament match day in Poland and Ukraine at 4pm.

Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup organisers, who own the mystic bird, insist this is in no way a publicity stunt.

“Like Paul the Octopus in 2010, Barney the Psychic Owl is set to become one the prevailing features of the tournament. We’re very proud to be associated with him and any additional television revenue he brings,” said an Olisadebe spokesman at the launch.

It would appear Barney’s predictions are made through a series of screeches and eye signals.

Asked to interpret these signs at the launch event, organisers were evasive.

“Barney can not only call the results of football matches, but also pick winners at the track. The dark-haired fellow in Wood Green Weatherspoon’s who sold it to us was very explicit about that and also very convincing,” continued the spokesman, showing the nonplussed novelty runners in the 4.15 at Uttoxeter.

Watch Barney the Psychic Owl make his latest prediction here

Share Button

Everybody Gdansk Now

Manager: Ben

Nationality: England

Domestic club side: Newington Reds

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: did not enter
  • John Jensen 2008 Euros: 2nd (out of eight)
  • Claudio Caniggia 2006 World Cup: 3rd (out of eight)

4-4-2

Casillas, I Spain £18m
Johnson, G England £7m
Hubnik, R Czech Republic £8m
Mellberg, O Sweden £12m
Hummels, M Germany £18m
Debuchy, M France £0.5m
Srna, D Croatia £7m
Ninis, S Greece £2m
Meireles, R Portugal £4.5m
Bendter, N Denmark £10m
Lewandowski, R Poland £13m
£100m
Share Button

Testiculadewland

Manager: James

Nationality: England

Domestic club side: FC Testiculadew

Tournament history: International debut

4-4-2

(‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling. Strike denotes player not travelling to tournament)

Szczesny, W Poland £0.5m
Piqué, G Spain £25m
Coentrão, F Portugal £2.5m
Bonucci, L Italy £6.5m
Mathijsen, J Holland £0.5m
Tziolis, A (TB) Greece £0.5m
Oxlade-Chamberlain, A England £0.5m
Özil, M Germany £11m
Konoplyanka, Y Ukraine £0.5m
Ibrahimovic, Z Sweden £20m
Benzema, K France £17m
  Total £84.5m
Share Button

Tziolis ruling ‘not for footballing reasons’

FCT manager at the auction
Testiculadewland manager at the auction

TESTICULADEWLAND have lost their appeal to replace Alexandros Tziolis with another player ahead of the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros, which start this Friday.

Tziolis has been confirmed as definitely going to not be going to the tournament in Poland and Ukraine after a public vote found 66 per cent in favour that ‘T-land’ should keep the player.

The Greek midfielder was awarded to the team as a forfeit under the Titus Bramble Ruling when their manager was found to be deliberately making illegal bids at last week’s controversial auction.

The T-land boss believes the appeal’s failure was not due to ‘footballing reasons’, and slammed rival managers as the team gathered at Victoria coach station ahead of travelling to Eastern Europe.

“I’m naturally dissapointed, but will stand by the decision, although I’m concerned that it hasn’t been made for footballing reasons.

“Testiculadewland wish to emphasise again their apology for any misunderstanding. Tactical brambling is culturally-acceptable in the land of testicles.

“Criticism from Euro Euro Bunga Tour is unfair: this is the same fella that brambled on Neil Lennon. I’m really sorry for what happened and for the disappointment I’ve caused the Kenna, and particularly to the Chairman, whom I respect and whom I love.”

 Kenna HQ claim the main reason the appeal had lost was due to managers wanting to stamp out chances of ‘tactical Brambling’ affecting future auctions.

“We’re making excellent progress establishing a Kenna Ethics Committe. FIFA have a similar mechanism, and they’re the model of integrity,” said the Chairman, from Jack Warner’s Caribbean yacht.

Share Button

Just FEMEN

Manager: Clare

Nationality: Scotland

Domestic club side: in between jobs (recently sacked from Polonia Forsyth)

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 9th (out of 15)

4-4-2

Stekelenburg, M Holland £13m
Evra, P France £9m
Sivok, T Czech Republic £3.5m
Agger, D Denmark £3m
O’Shea, J Rep of Ireland £4m
Schweinsteiger, B Germany £17m
Quaresma, R Portugal £4m
Modric, L Croatia £10m
Fàbregas, C Spain £10m
Balotelli, M Italy £19m
Elmander, J Sweden £7m
Total £99.5m
Share Button

Bwing on the Euwos

Manager: Denney

Nationality: Wales

Domestic club side: Young Boys of Kilburn

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 5th (out of 15)
  • John Jensen 2008 Euros: 4th (out of eight)

4-4-2

Buffon, G Italy £19m
Ramos, S Spain £20m
Cole, A England £14m
Kadlec, M Czech Republic £10m
Anyukov, A Russia £10m
Mandžukic, M Croatia £14m
Blaszczykowski, J Poland £3m
Elm, R Sweden £0.5m
Götze, M Germany £0.5m
Ben Arfa, H France £0.5m
Kuyt, D Holland £8m
Total £99.5m
Share Button

Utoya Island XI

Manager: Sholto

Nationality: Wales

Domestic club side: Judean Peoples’ Front

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 8th (out of 15)
  • John Jensen 2008 Euros: Last (out of eight)

4-4-2

Given, S Rep of Ireland £3.5m
Mertesacker, P Germany £0.5m
Ranocchia, A Italy £0.5m
Antonsson, M Sweden £0.5m
Lovren, D Croatia £0.5m
Young, A England £26m
Nasri, S France £16m
Alonso, X Spain £3m
Dzagoev, A Russia £14m
Ronaldo, C Portugal £28m
Løvenkrands, P Denmark £0.5m
Total £93m
Share Button

Chernobyl Forlov

Manager: Aiden

Nationality: England

Domestic club side: Hairy Fadjeetas

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 2nd (out of 15)

4-4-2

Pletikosa, S Croatia £0.5m
Chiellini, G Italy £12m
Rami, A France £7m
Torossidis, V Greece £0.5m
Safari, B Sweden £0.5m
Walcott, T England £5m
Mata, J Spain £0.5m
Obraniak, L Poland £0.5m
Hunt, S Rep of Ireland £0.5m
Gomez, M Germany £32m
Huntelaar, KJ Holland £22m
Total £81m
Share Button

The Horn of Africa

Manager: Abdi

Nationality: Somalia

Domestic club side: Spartak Mogadishu

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 13th (out of 15)

4-4-2

(‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling)

Sifakis, M Greece £0.5m
Pepe Portugal £5m
Piszczek, L Poland £16m
Shishkin, R Russia £4m
Olsson, M Sweden £7.5m
de Jong, N (TB) Holland £0.5m
Khedira, S Germany £13m
Busquets, S Spain £18m
Eriksen, C Denmark £12m
Carroll, A England £12m
Di Natale, A Italy £7.5m
Total £96m
Share Button

Every Pole’s a Goal

Manager: Lewis

Nationality: Wales

Domestic club side: Bala Rinas

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: Did not enter
  • John Jensen 2008 Euros: 6th (out of eight)

4-4-2

Lloris, H France £12m
van der Wiel, G Holland £15m
Šimunic, J Croatia £0.5m
Kucher, O Ukraine £0.5m
Wawrzyniak, J Poland £0.5m
Hernández, X Spain £20m
Pirlo, A Italy £8.5m
Gerrard, S England £20m
Veloso, M Portugal £0.5m
Klose, M Germany £15m
Arshavin, A Russia £0.5m
Total £93m
Share Button